Self Sacrifice

I'm pretty angry at the moment. It's completely wrong for me to be angry in this case because I am clearly in the wrong, but I don't care. In fact, I feel so strongly about it I am willing to hurt myself to cause the other person pain. Allow me to explain.

At the moment I don't really have a job. I've been suffering from a touch of depression and really haven't been motivated to do anything but sit at home and read. If you read my blog on careers you'll know that I'm also questioning myself with regards to what I want to do with my life, and how I'm going to continue with my career.

Anyway, so yesterday I spoke to my parents and I was going to have a bunch of my friends over to have ice cream and hang out for my birthday, I'm not sure why but they weren't happy with me for something or other and the didn't feel as if it was a good idea.

So then today I get an email from Cate [my father] and she tells me that if I don't genuinely look for a job this week I can't have the party. Now on account of the fact that I hate being told what to do, and I actually don't know what I want to do, I decided to cancel the party.

My mom was pretty angry with me because I am 'cutting my nose of to spite my face'. Which is true, but I don't care. At this stage I'm just angry.

In the end my uncle's flight is arriving at the same time so I wouldn't have been able to have the party anyway, but that's pretty irrelevant. At this stage I'm just questioning myself, what do I want to do with my life? How is the best way to go about doing it? Should I be getting a job doing anything, or should I continue pushing myself to do something meaningful? What are the answers to these questions?

At the end of the day, I guess life is what you make of it, but I don't know what I want in life. Maybe I just need time, although that is something I don't have at the moment...