Remember when you’re a kid, and you think everything is the best? The best crayons, the best racing driver, the best shoes etc… For me it’s always been pretty important to be right, and that usually means being the best.
But being the best is actually quite a stupid concept. For example, saying someone is the best drummer in the world is one of the silliest things someone can ever say, simply because there are so many different styles of music. Thomas Lang is an unbelievable drummer, who specializes in foot techniques, playing polyrhythms and that type of thing, but when it comes to metal, Chris Adler kicks his ass. At the same time Steve Gadd kicks his ass when it comes to playing big band jazz type stuff.
That is not to say that Thomas Lang is by any means a bad drummer when it comes to metal, on the contrary he has a great feel for double kick and fills, but Chris Adler is just so creative with his fill, and his double kick work is just so melodic it’s amazing.
Which brings about the question, can anyone be the best at anything in a more specific field? Let’s continue with the example of drummers, can Chris Adler be the best metal drummer? I don’t think so, simply because there are many drummers who play metal, but have a different take on how rhythms should be played.
Chris Adler is very melodic with his double kick and fills, but he’s not anywhere near being the fastest drummer in the world. Tim Yeung on the other hand is one of the fastest drummers in the world with his feet, but all he does are simple rudiments as blastbeats. Does that mean he’s a bad drummer? Not at all, he’s a great drummer in the field of extreme metal, but I’m willing to bet a lot of money that when it comes to blues, he sucks.
So if it’s highly unlikely that anyone will ever be the best at anything is there a point to even trying? As you may know, I am an all or nothing person, and if I do something I want to be the best. But is this an unattainable goal? It looks that way, so then what is the solution?
For me the answer to that question is self confidence. I need to be confident in my own abilities, as well as my own take on things, and that is something that I’ve really been struggling with over the last few weeks. Its part of the journey I’m going on called life, and this segment is called low self esteem. I see myself in a bad light, and nothing anyone else says will help, I need to work through it myself.
I feel like I’ve got nothing to celebrate, no achievements I can fall back on, and it kind of sucks. I know that I’m not a failure or anything like that, I just wish I had the heart knowledge that I’m a success, and that I can do it.
In the end it comes down to your own feelings, not everyone else’s opinions. There are two people I need to please: Myself and YHVH / God. I know He’s ok with me, so it’s only me I need to work on. Shutting the world’s opinions out is a difficult task, but a necessary one at that.
All I can say is that as with everything, there is a beginning and an end. I know I’ll get through this, but it’ll take effort, and at the end it’ll be worth it because I’ll believe in myself and not care what other people think.
So what’s your answer to the question? Is there a need to be the best? What constitutes success for you? Or are you lucky enough to genuinely not care? Truth is that I do care, and the only way for me to get around it is to become my own critic as well as my own biggest fan, and that’s a tough task that’s going to take time. I’ll keep you updated though…
Friday, October 31, 2008
Thursday, October 30, 2008
New Adventures
Today is new adventures day, so here we go...
Friday
So Danny gave us all a call and asked us to go over to his house for band practice [I am not actually in a band, but some of my friends are in an awesome rock band named Take The State, and I do sound for them, as well as help out with arrangements and production etc]. We went over and jammed a little, but nothing serious and we listened to some music, and thereafter we started a fire and sat outside chatting. Gareth had his trusty pipe at hand, and so we lit up and all was well. Then Danny pulled out his home made bong type thing and we smoked through that, which to be fair was quite a lot nicer. All was well until Danny used a till slip to roll the tobacco and I breathed in a large chunk of smoke which clearly contained some burnt ink from the till slip. Not fun, as I started coughing and felt rather ill…
I do feel rather bad because we asked one of our friends who is in the band, Richard, to help us pack the pipe, and so he did. Problem was that we’d forgotten that he’d quit smoking 5 months earlier. Oops, I hope we haven’t just derailed his hopes of escaping the addiction we affectionately term smoking. Think it’ll be fine though.
Saturday
This past Saturday was pretty tame in comparison to last week, but it was fun nonetheless. The evening started out with me heading out to Joel and Candice’s engagement party, which was pretty cool. I got to have awesome sea food, and hang out with the usual crowd, it was great weather so good times.
Thereafter I went home and waited for Matt to arrive to pick me up, because we were going to a braai at Justin’s house to meet his girlfriend who was down on holiday from Jo’burg. He phoned me and said “I’m going to be there in a few minutes”, and so I was content to wait for him to arrive. Unfortunately for him, his sense of time is quite bad because I had to wait for over 30 minutes before he arrived. Oh well, I forgave him.
The braai was cool; we just smoked the infamous pipe and hung out. All in all a normal night.
Wednesday
I took my car off to the repair shop and I am finally going to get the bumper and everything sorted out. In case you don’t know, my car has had its front bumper missing for a long time. Like a really long time, so I’ve been getting cash together for a while and I now have enough to fix it and then all will be well again. I’m psyched.
Thursday
So this morning I went over to the Fantasy Premiership League site pretty excited to see how many points I’d scored after last night’s games. And I was pleasantly surprised, having scored 75 points!
In my team I have:
Rooney [Man U]
Van Persie [Arsenal]
Cousin [Hull]
Lampard [Chelsea]
Ronaldo [Man U]
Harman [Man City]
Delap [Stoke]
Deridder [Wigan]
Terry [Chelsea]
Turner [Hull]
Traore A [Portsmouth]
Donk [West Brom]
Barnett [West Brom]
Myhill [Hull]
Given [Newcastle]
Obviously not all of those players are in the team at once, but I think I took a good approach when choosing my team. I chose player I thought would be great, and then filled the rest of the squad up with average player I thought would play for 90 minutes every game. These are the players I chose first:
Rooney
Van Persie
Lampard
Ronaldo
Terry
Turner
Myhill
The rest of them I chose because I figured that they’d get me some points, and they have.
Friday
So Danny gave us all a call and asked us to go over to his house for band practice [I am not actually in a band, but some of my friends are in an awesome rock band named Take The State, and I do sound for them, as well as help out with arrangements and production etc]. We went over and jammed a little, but nothing serious and we listened to some music, and thereafter we started a fire and sat outside chatting. Gareth had his trusty pipe at hand, and so we lit up and all was well. Then Danny pulled out his home made bong type thing and we smoked through that, which to be fair was quite a lot nicer. All was well until Danny used a till slip to roll the tobacco and I breathed in a large chunk of smoke which clearly contained some burnt ink from the till slip. Not fun, as I started coughing and felt rather ill…
I do feel rather bad because we asked one of our friends who is in the band, Richard, to help us pack the pipe, and so he did. Problem was that we’d forgotten that he’d quit smoking 5 months earlier. Oops, I hope we haven’t just derailed his hopes of escaping the addiction we affectionately term smoking. Think it’ll be fine though.
Saturday
This past Saturday was pretty tame in comparison to last week, but it was fun nonetheless. The evening started out with me heading out to Joel and Candice’s engagement party, which was pretty cool. I got to have awesome sea food, and hang out with the usual crowd, it was great weather so good times.
Thereafter I went home and waited for Matt to arrive to pick me up, because we were going to a braai at Justin’s house to meet his girlfriend who was down on holiday from Jo’burg. He phoned me and said “I’m going to be there in a few minutes”, and so I was content to wait for him to arrive. Unfortunately for him, his sense of time is quite bad because I had to wait for over 30 minutes before he arrived. Oh well, I forgave him.
The braai was cool; we just smoked the infamous pipe and hung out. All in all a normal night.
Wednesday
I took my car off to the repair shop and I am finally going to get the bumper and everything sorted out. In case you don’t know, my car has had its front bumper missing for a long time. Like a really long time, so I’ve been getting cash together for a while and I now have enough to fix it and then all will be well again. I’m psyched.
Thursday
So this morning I went over to the Fantasy Premiership League site pretty excited to see how many points I’d scored after last night’s games. And I was pleasantly surprised, having scored 75 points!
In my team I have:
Rooney [Man U]
Van Persie [Arsenal]
Cousin [Hull]
Lampard [Chelsea]
Ronaldo [Man U]
Harman [Man City]
Delap [Stoke]
Deridder [Wigan]
Terry [Chelsea]
Turner [Hull]
Traore A [Portsmouth]
Donk [West Brom]
Barnett [West Brom]
Myhill [Hull]
Given [Newcastle]
Obviously not all of those players are in the team at once, but I think I took a good approach when choosing my team. I chose player I thought would be great, and then filled the rest of the squad up with average player I thought would play for 90 minutes every game. These are the players I chose first:
Rooney
Van Persie
Lampard
Ronaldo
Terry
Turner
Myhill
The rest of them I chose because I figured that they’d get me some points, and they have.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Working Conditions Part 2
So at the start of the year I started working in the studio, and I had an agreement with my boss that all the jobs we did, I would get a small percentage of the profits [like 15%] while on work I brought in I would get a larger percentage of profits [say 60%], so all was well.
We immediately started working on a large project, doing a major album with a country band. Now to be fair, country is probably one of my least favorite genres of music, but I powered through the pain because I knew that I would learn from the experience as well as earn some decent cash.
There were however a few problems:
The band doesn’t have a drummer.
While this isn’t really a major problem, it did mean we had to program drums. I now know that I will never do that again. It is awful, really awful. Anyway, I hated it but decided to power through the pain…
The band didn’t have any cash.
The band didn’t have any cash, and hadn’t yet signed a record deal so they agreement was that they would pay the studio when they had finished the record. As a result we decided to work on the record for 3 days a week, so as to be able to do other work and earn cash on the other days. For a while this was how it worked, until we decided we needed to finish up, and then started working on the record every day.
The band is super undecided.
Wow, these guys just can’t make a decision. There are three of them in the band, and they spend so much time fighting it is unreal. As a result they end up doing work for a day, and then coming back the next day, saying “Dump everything. We need to do it all again.” That’ll get your blood boiling…
The project took much longer than expected.
The average album takes between two and three months. This album took us from beginning of January to the beginning of September. Bloody hell! As a result we didn’t do anywhere near as much as we would have wanted, which wasn’t great.
So there were a few problems with the project, but things got much worse recently. In the record business, what happens is a record company buys the album from you, and then you pay the studio. The record company prints a whole bunch of albums and starts selling them in the shops and you get a small cut of the profits. [Usually around 5-8 percent] Then you go on tour and make most of your money off of ticket sales on tour.
Now we usually charge between R100k and R200k per album, depending on the amount of work. My boss chooses to charge per song rather than time because he feels people are less relaxed and you get a better product at the end of the day, which is fair enough, but in this case it was a problem. you see they had taken more than double the time we had initially expected them to, but had still only done the same number of songs, so much less cash than expected, but that wasn’t the worst.
I’m not sure how it happened, and I’m not sure if I want to know, but what’s happened now is that the band have made a deal with my boss, and instead of paying him the expected R150k, he’s getting an equal cut in the profits, which sucks. They’ve sold the album for something stupid like R20k and are instead getting a larger cut of profits [14% or so].
Now this is bad for me because I still haven’t been paid for 8 months of work, and it doesn’t look like I’m going to be paid, because the album still hasn’t been released.
All in all, this was a rant because I’m unhappy at work, and still haven’t been paid, and it doesn’t look like I’m going to. I seriously need a job that’s going to pay me. I hate this!
We immediately started working on a large project, doing a major album with a country band. Now to be fair, country is probably one of my least favorite genres of music, but I powered through the pain because I knew that I would learn from the experience as well as earn some decent cash.
There were however a few problems:
The band doesn’t have a drummer.
While this isn’t really a major problem, it did mean we had to program drums. I now know that I will never do that again. It is awful, really awful. Anyway, I hated it but decided to power through the pain…
The band didn’t have any cash.
The band didn’t have any cash, and hadn’t yet signed a record deal so they agreement was that they would pay the studio when they had finished the record. As a result we decided to work on the record for 3 days a week, so as to be able to do other work and earn cash on the other days. For a while this was how it worked, until we decided we needed to finish up, and then started working on the record every day.
The band is super undecided.
Wow, these guys just can’t make a decision. There are three of them in the band, and they spend so much time fighting it is unreal. As a result they end up doing work for a day, and then coming back the next day, saying “Dump everything. We need to do it all again.” That’ll get your blood boiling…
The project took much longer than expected.
The average album takes between two and three months. This album took us from beginning of January to the beginning of September. Bloody hell! As a result we didn’t do anywhere near as much as we would have wanted, which wasn’t great.
So there were a few problems with the project, but things got much worse recently. In the record business, what happens is a record company buys the album from you, and then you pay the studio. The record company prints a whole bunch of albums and starts selling them in the shops and you get a small cut of the profits. [Usually around 5-8 percent] Then you go on tour and make most of your money off of ticket sales on tour.
Now we usually charge between R100k and R200k per album, depending on the amount of work. My boss chooses to charge per song rather than time because he feels people are less relaxed and you get a better product at the end of the day, which is fair enough, but in this case it was a problem. you see they had taken more than double the time we had initially expected them to, but had still only done the same number of songs, so much less cash than expected, but that wasn’t the worst.
I’m not sure how it happened, and I’m not sure if I want to know, but what’s happened now is that the band have made a deal with my boss, and instead of paying him the expected R150k, he’s getting an equal cut in the profits, which sucks. They’ve sold the album for something stupid like R20k and are instead getting a larger cut of profits [14% or so].
Now this is bad for me because I still haven’t been paid for 8 months of work, and it doesn’t look like I’m going to be paid, because the album still hasn’t been released.
All in all, this was a rant because I’m unhappy at work, and still haven’t been paid, and it doesn’t look like I’m going to. I seriously need a job that’s going to pay me. I hate this!
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Working Conditions Part 1
Before I begin, I want to let you know that this is a rant. There is little if any substantial content in today’s blog, so if you don’t read it I won’t be offended.
If you haven’t seen my profile, I’m a sound engineer. I love sound with everything in me, and it is without a doubt my passion. It’s what I think about when I wake up in the morning and what I think about when I go to sleep. Last year I was studying Information Systems Engineering at CTI, and at the end of the year I decided that no matter what happened I needed to work in sound, and so I dropped out of college and started working in a studio.
The studio I started working in is owned by a guy I know, and it is a rather small, budget type studio. For me it is a start, and while I enjoy working there, I know I won’t be working there for long because want to go onto bigger things.
The truth is that my boss and I don’t see eye to eye when it comes to a lot of different things. He tends to value ‘value-for-money’ over performance. So for example, if there is a mic that costs 1500 which performs at level 4, and a mic that costs 8000 that performs at level 10, he’ll chose the cheaper one because it does an ok job for less money. I on the other hand would rather have the more expensive one because it is much better, even though it does cost a lot more.
Now most of the time this is ok, but it gets really old very quickly, and it is very irritating, because I can’t get things to sound the way I want them to, which is no fun. The other thing is that at no stage do we have anything that is actually ‘great’. Everything is just ok, and being ok sucks a lot. We spend so much time trying to get things to work, and sound better than they do, it pisses the shit out of me. For the first few weeks it was ok, but after that it just becomes so tiring you don’t want to do it anymore.
The situation is aggravated by two additional factors:
I am a purist, as well as a dreamer and idealist. So while I know that a Neumann U87 costs R20 000, it doesn’t stop me from wanting 8, as well as about 100 other great mics which would costs about the same or more each, without even talking about compressors and preamps [I will talk about these things another time]
The second thing is that my boss is actually quite stubborn, and wouldn’t admit we need the above things unless his life depended on it. He even goes as far as to say that some of the crap, and most importantly cheap, gear we have is better than the expensive stuff. Which is a load of shit, but what can you do?
Now don’t get me wrong, my boss is an amazing guy, extremely caring and generous, and very talented as a sound engineer, but he just won’t get new stuff. Which is a major problem for me because I’m a self professed ‘gear addict’.
So right now I’m pretty frustrated, not being able to do what I want to, it’s just not much fun…
But there is one other thing that’s making the working situation even worse, enter part 2 of the story…
If you haven’t seen my profile, I’m a sound engineer. I love sound with everything in me, and it is without a doubt my passion. It’s what I think about when I wake up in the morning and what I think about when I go to sleep. Last year I was studying Information Systems Engineering at CTI, and at the end of the year I decided that no matter what happened I needed to work in sound, and so I dropped out of college and started working in a studio.
The studio I started working in is owned by a guy I know, and it is a rather small, budget type studio. For me it is a start, and while I enjoy working there, I know I won’t be working there for long because want to go onto bigger things.
The truth is that my boss and I don’t see eye to eye when it comes to a lot of different things. He tends to value ‘value-for-money’ over performance. So for example, if there is a mic that costs 1500 which performs at level 4, and a mic that costs 8000 that performs at level 10, he’ll chose the cheaper one because it does an ok job for less money. I on the other hand would rather have the more expensive one because it is much better, even though it does cost a lot more.
Now most of the time this is ok, but it gets really old very quickly, and it is very irritating, because I can’t get things to sound the way I want them to, which is no fun. The other thing is that at no stage do we have anything that is actually ‘great’. Everything is just ok, and being ok sucks a lot. We spend so much time trying to get things to work, and sound better than they do, it pisses the shit out of me. For the first few weeks it was ok, but after that it just becomes so tiring you don’t want to do it anymore.
The situation is aggravated by two additional factors:
I am a purist, as well as a dreamer and idealist. So while I know that a Neumann U87 costs R20 000, it doesn’t stop me from wanting 8, as well as about 100 other great mics which would costs about the same or more each, without even talking about compressors and preamps [I will talk about these things another time]
The second thing is that my boss is actually quite stubborn, and wouldn’t admit we need the above things unless his life depended on it. He even goes as far as to say that some of the crap, and most importantly cheap, gear we have is better than the expensive stuff. Which is a load of shit, but what can you do?
Now don’t get me wrong, my boss is an amazing guy, extremely caring and generous, and very talented as a sound engineer, but he just won’t get new stuff. Which is a major problem for me because I’m a self professed ‘gear addict’.
So right now I’m pretty frustrated, not being able to do what I want to, it’s just not much fun…
But there is one other thing that’s making the working situation even worse, enter part 2 of the story…
Monday, October 27, 2008
Football [the one people care about, not American]
About a year ago, I started getting into football, and started watching the English Premiership League, as well as the UEFA Champions League. Ever since the final earlier this year, I’ve been really enjoying watching and reading online, and this past week I started playing Fantasy Football online.
I have had quite a successful weekend, earning 40 points in the game, where the average was only 8 points, and the best score was a whopping 115 points. But ever since playing I’ve been feeling it’s time I chose a team to support.
When I started watching there were very few teams I knew:
Manchester United
Chelsea
Arsenal
Liverpool
Real Madrid
Barcelona
And when I started watching I was torn between 3 teams to support, namely Manchester United, Chelsea and Real Madrid. The reason I chose these teams was quite simple: they are the richest teams in football.
This weekend I decided to make my final choice as to who I will be supporting, and here it is: Chelsea. Now let me qualify that decision…
Being a natural born rebel, I decided not to choose Manchester United because of the fact that so many people support them. It’d be pretty boring to support the team that everyone else does. Which left Chelsea and Real Madrid, and Real Madrid don’t play in England, which left me with one option: Chelsea.
Now Chelsea really is a brilliant team, not least because they have such a wealthy owner. Their midfield is so full of talented players; it’s sickening, while their defense is a solid wall. There are however two problems in their squad:
Right back. This position is one they have been trying to fill for a few seasons now, but seem to have a found a suitable fit in Jose Bosingwa. Only time will tell if this is the right move, but things seem to be working out for the new player…
Strikers. As far as I can tell, Chelsea has been thin on strikers for quite a while now. Didier Drogba is a great asset to the team, but in cases like now when he is injured things are rather difficult, and truth be told none of their other strikers stand out as being awesome.
Despite these flaws, Chelsea have a great game. They play very direct football, with their midfield jammed with aggressive and talented players, giving them the option of moving the ball wide and bringing it back in or going straight down the center.
Anyway, needless to say, I’ve been thinking about football a bit of late, and Chelsea are my team. I reckon they’ll win at least one cup this year, possibly two…
I have had quite a successful weekend, earning 40 points in the game, where the average was only 8 points, and the best score was a whopping 115 points. But ever since playing I’ve been feeling it’s time I chose a team to support.
When I started watching there were very few teams I knew:
Manchester United
Chelsea
Arsenal
Liverpool
Real Madrid
Barcelona
And when I started watching I was torn between 3 teams to support, namely Manchester United, Chelsea and Real Madrid. The reason I chose these teams was quite simple: they are the richest teams in football.
This weekend I decided to make my final choice as to who I will be supporting, and here it is: Chelsea. Now let me qualify that decision…
Being a natural born rebel, I decided not to choose Manchester United because of the fact that so many people support them. It’d be pretty boring to support the team that everyone else does. Which left Chelsea and Real Madrid, and Real Madrid don’t play in England, which left me with one option: Chelsea.
Now Chelsea really is a brilliant team, not least because they have such a wealthy owner. Their midfield is so full of talented players; it’s sickening, while their defense is a solid wall. There are however two problems in their squad:
Right back. This position is one they have been trying to fill for a few seasons now, but seem to have a found a suitable fit in Jose Bosingwa. Only time will tell if this is the right move, but things seem to be working out for the new player…
Strikers. As far as I can tell, Chelsea has been thin on strikers for quite a while now. Didier Drogba is a great asset to the team, but in cases like now when he is injured things are rather difficult, and truth be told none of their other strikers stand out as being awesome.
Despite these flaws, Chelsea have a great game. They play very direct football, with their midfield jammed with aggressive and talented players, giving them the option of moving the ball wide and bringing it back in or going straight down the center.
Anyway, needless to say, I’ve been thinking about football a bit of late, and Chelsea are my team. I reckon they’ll win at least one cup this year, possibly two…
Sunday, October 26, 2008
A Mother Knows Best Part 2
Today’s title is a little misleading, but is a sequel to yesterday’s blog which was about relationships…
Anyway, so last night I was out with some friends and I saw a girl whom I had a rather large crush on a while back. Before I continue, let me elaborate on this crush…
If you read yesterday’s blog you’ll know that I don’t have and never have had a girlfriend and that I only want to date if there is a clearly defined intention for dating. Now, about 3 years ago, I was doing my own thing and was very content to be myself, single and just enjoy life. All of these things were coming to pass and life was awesome until I met a girl named Alice [Again that’s not her name, but I’m not putting her real name in for obvious reasons]. To be fair I’d known Alice for quite a while, having met when we were about 14 or so. We got on ok, but not really good friends or anything.
But that fateful night I saw her, it was like someone had turned on the light or something, and I remember thinking ‘Wow, this girl is amazing’. As a result of this, I decided to try and spend more time with her to get to know her better, and we became good friends. There was however one problem. She was into another guy, and to complicate matters further, he was into another girl. So while I was desperate for here attention, she was desperate for a friend of mine’s attention and he was about to be dating another girl.
I kept on with this cat and mouse relationship for a while until I realized that this was a futile exercise and I was only hurting myself. I decided to break the friendship so that I could spend some time away from her. She hadn’t done anything wrong but I needed to change my thinking pattern and come to terms with the fact that this dream I had of dating her wasn’t going to happen.
Anyway as I’m sure you can tell I was really into Alice, in fact I would say I was probably in love with her, which was crazy because I kept on telling myself that I didn’t want a girlfriend and that things weren’t going to work out. I spent about 3 months away from Alice, and eventually we went back to being friends. Life happened and we drifted apart…
A few months later I decided to have a chat with Alice about everything. At this stage the guy she had been into had his girlfriend and in fact is still dating her… I took Alice out for coffee and said “You’re not an idiot. You know I had a major crush on you, and I still think you’re an awesome girl. I’m putting the ball in your court, and if you want to be friends and hang out, it’s up to you. I’m not going force the issue; I want it to come from you…”
My thinking was that I didn’t want to force myself on her, and I wanted a friendship to come from both sides, so she should make the first move. Unfortunately for me that plan didn’t really work, because she never made a move. We continued to see each other in passing but not on a regular basis. That was about 2 years ago…
About 6 months after that we started seeing each other again on a more regular basis, and things were good, no problems. That continued for a while and life continued to happen. We stopped seeing each other regularly and said hello and whatever in passing…
Then about 9 months ago we saw each other at a party and ended up spending some time talking and had a good time. I thought nothing of it, until a few weeks later when we ended up chilling together at a party again, chatting and getting on really well. I figured maybe we were just enjoying each other’s company, and pushed it out of my mind.
This type of thing continued to happen and at every party we saw each other we ended up chatting and things were good, this brings us to last night…
So I’m at this do, and I was sort of avoiding her because I wasn’t sure what to do. I said hello and she seemed amped for a chat but I sort of ducked so I could think a little, but as it always seems, we ended up chatting and having a great time. Eventually I left and said goodbye, and there was an awkward moment where it was like ‘do we hug, kiss what?’
Then I left, but it’s still playing on my mind. I don’t if it’s one of those things that you have with your first real crush, or if there’s something there. I keep on coming back to Alice, no matter what happens. I feel like Ted from How I Met Your Mother, where Alice is Robin.
Anyway, what do you guys think? I’m not sure, especially bearing in mind what I said about my mom and Amy yesterday.
At this point I’d like to point out that Alice hasn’t had a boyfriend since the first time I ‘saw’ her three years ago…
Anyway, so last night I was out with some friends and I saw a girl whom I had a rather large crush on a while back. Before I continue, let me elaborate on this crush…
If you read yesterday’s blog you’ll know that I don’t have and never have had a girlfriend and that I only want to date if there is a clearly defined intention for dating. Now, about 3 years ago, I was doing my own thing and was very content to be myself, single and just enjoy life. All of these things were coming to pass and life was awesome until I met a girl named Alice [Again that’s not her name, but I’m not putting her real name in for obvious reasons]. To be fair I’d known Alice for quite a while, having met when we were about 14 or so. We got on ok, but not really good friends or anything.
But that fateful night I saw her, it was like someone had turned on the light or something, and I remember thinking ‘Wow, this girl is amazing’. As a result of this, I decided to try and spend more time with her to get to know her better, and we became good friends. There was however one problem. She was into another guy, and to complicate matters further, he was into another girl. So while I was desperate for here attention, she was desperate for a friend of mine’s attention and he was about to be dating another girl.
I kept on with this cat and mouse relationship for a while until I realized that this was a futile exercise and I was only hurting myself. I decided to break the friendship so that I could spend some time away from her. She hadn’t done anything wrong but I needed to change my thinking pattern and come to terms with the fact that this dream I had of dating her wasn’t going to happen.
Anyway as I’m sure you can tell I was really into Alice, in fact I would say I was probably in love with her, which was crazy because I kept on telling myself that I didn’t want a girlfriend and that things weren’t going to work out. I spent about 3 months away from Alice, and eventually we went back to being friends. Life happened and we drifted apart…
A few months later I decided to have a chat with Alice about everything. At this stage the guy she had been into had his girlfriend and in fact is still dating her… I took Alice out for coffee and said “You’re not an idiot. You know I had a major crush on you, and I still think you’re an awesome girl. I’m putting the ball in your court, and if you want to be friends and hang out, it’s up to you. I’m not going force the issue; I want it to come from you…”
My thinking was that I didn’t want to force myself on her, and I wanted a friendship to come from both sides, so she should make the first move. Unfortunately for me that plan didn’t really work, because she never made a move. We continued to see each other in passing but not on a regular basis. That was about 2 years ago…
About 6 months after that we started seeing each other again on a more regular basis, and things were good, no problems. That continued for a while and life continued to happen. We stopped seeing each other regularly and said hello and whatever in passing…
Then about 9 months ago we saw each other at a party and ended up spending some time talking and had a good time. I thought nothing of it, until a few weeks later when we ended up chilling together at a party again, chatting and getting on really well. I figured maybe we were just enjoying each other’s company, and pushed it out of my mind.
This type of thing continued to happen and at every party we saw each other we ended up chatting and things were good, this brings us to last night…
So I’m at this do, and I was sort of avoiding her because I wasn’t sure what to do. I said hello and she seemed amped for a chat but I sort of ducked so I could think a little, but as it always seems, we ended up chatting and having a great time. Eventually I left and said goodbye, and there was an awkward moment where it was like ‘do we hug, kiss what?’
Then I left, but it’s still playing on my mind. I don’t if it’s one of those things that you have with your first real crush, or if there’s something there. I keep on coming back to Alice, no matter what happens. I feel like Ted from How I Met Your Mother, where Alice is Robin.
Anyway, what do you guys think? I’m not sure, especially bearing in mind what I said about my mom and Amy yesterday.
At this point I’d like to point out that Alice hasn’t had a boyfriend since the first time I ‘saw’ her three years ago…
Saturday, October 25, 2008
A Mother Knows Best
For those of you who don’t know this, I don’t have a girlfriend, and even more shocking is that I’ve never had one. To be fair I’ve never wanted one. Before I continue, let me explain one of my vices in life.
I have a similar outlook on life to that of Gregory House MD, that being I want thing in the order that I want them, the way I want them and how I want them. I’m an all or nothing person, and I like things to be perfect all the time. Now this is of course impossible most of the time, but that doesn’t make me less indignant about wanting things on my terms.
House once said “If you want people to drive slower take the airbag out and install a machete pointing at their throat. People will never drive faster than 3 mph.” That is exactly what I would say, and indeed what I would strive for.
Because of the fact that I don’t believe in doing things half heartedly I can’t see the point of dating for the sake of having a girlfriend. If you’re going to do anything there needs to be a purpose, and a general plan, and I see the point of dating as finding a potential marriage partner. I’m still pretty young, so why the hell would I want to get married? This is why I’ve never had a girlfriend…
Now as all good mothers do, my mom has been meddling in my love life of late or lack thereof. I have a friend named Amy [her name isn’t Amy, but I’m not going to say her name on account of the fact that she may read this blog] whom is a great friend, and is very generous and friendly. I met her about 2 years ago at a camp, and we got on pretty well, and a while later I saw her at the shop where she worked, and my mom was with me [you can see where this is going]. At this stage my mom said hello, and when we left she said she was impressed with her and thought that I should date her. Being a sensible person, I told her to butt out of my life…
Ever since then I see Amy fairly regularly and we get on pretty well, and often she’ll send her regards to my mom, even giving her small gifts on occasion. Now, I see these things as Amy just being who she is, as a generous person, but my mom is convinced that she’s “in to me”. She said something the other day which surprised me, she said “Amy was there all those months ago, and she’s still here now. You should ask her out.”
At the time I repeated my previous statements “butt out”, however it did start to play on my mind. To be fair I had been thinking about Amy quite a bit, and so with this came an extra reminder…
Then last night a friend of mine, Danny, said “mothers pick up on things we don’t usually see”, and that got me thinking. Maybe I should ask Amy out, or at least grow a closer friendship…
Anyway, mothers do often know best, and I’m not sure if this is one of those occasions. At the same time, I am also quite weary because I’ve never been in a relationship, so this is uncharted territory for me, and I’m not quite sure what I should be doing or what is expected of me.
Anyway, if you have any thoughts which may help me out, give a shout.
I have a similar outlook on life to that of Gregory House MD, that being I want thing in the order that I want them, the way I want them and how I want them. I’m an all or nothing person, and I like things to be perfect all the time. Now this is of course impossible most of the time, but that doesn’t make me less indignant about wanting things on my terms.
House once said “If you want people to drive slower take the airbag out and install a machete pointing at their throat. People will never drive faster than 3 mph.” That is exactly what I would say, and indeed what I would strive for.
Because of the fact that I don’t believe in doing things half heartedly I can’t see the point of dating for the sake of having a girlfriend. If you’re going to do anything there needs to be a purpose, and a general plan, and I see the point of dating as finding a potential marriage partner. I’m still pretty young, so why the hell would I want to get married? This is why I’ve never had a girlfriend…
Now as all good mothers do, my mom has been meddling in my love life of late or lack thereof. I have a friend named Amy [her name isn’t Amy, but I’m not going to say her name on account of the fact that she may read this blog] whom is a great friend, and is very generous and friendly. I met her about 2 years ago at a camp, and we got on pretty well, and a while later I saw her at the shop where she worked, and my mom was with me [you can see where this is going]. At this stage my mom said hello, and when we left she said she was impressed with her and thought that I should date her. Being a sensible person, I told her to butt out of my life…
Ever since then I see Amy fairly regularly and we get on pretty well, and often she’ll send her regards to my mom, even giving her small gifts on occasion. Now, I see these things as Amy just being who she is, as a generous person, but my mom is convinced that she’s “in to me”. She said something the other day which surprised me, she said “Amy was there all those months ago, and she’s still here now. You should ask her out.”
At the time I repeated my previous statements “butt out”, however it did start to play on my mind. To be fair I had been thinking about Amy quite a bit, and so with this came an extra reminder…
Then last night a friend of mine, Danny, said “mothers pick up on things we don’t usually see”, and that got me thinking. Maybe I should ask Amy out, or at least grow a closer friendship…
Anyway, mothers do often know best, and I’m not sure if this is one of those occasions. At the same time, I am also quite weary because I’ve never been in a relationship, so this is uncharted territory for me, and I’m not quite sure what I should be doing or what is expected of me.
Anyway, if you have any thoughts which may help me out, give a shout.
Thursday, October 23, 2008
New Adventures
If you’ve been following my blog, you’ll know that today is my first Thursday of blogging, so why not use Thursdays for keeping everyone updated about my previous week’s adventures? So here we go…
Friday
Gareth invited us all around to his house for a healthy game of poker, which we all love, and a few beers. Problem was that Gareth only had rubbish beer, so he and Donovan sat there drinking and trying to convince themselves that they were enjoying it. It only worked for Gareth, because he had about 3 in quick successions, while Donovan wasn’t as successful, giving up after about 15 minutes.
We played a round, and then decided to go out to shoot some pool. Now, I’m not very good at pool, but I always enjoy it, even if I do usually lose. [I’d like to use the chance to point out that the only game I actually enjoy is poker, the rest of them I don’t really bother with.] I got us all a round of Hunter’s, because we actually drink it rather than horrible beer, and started playing. There was however one large problem. Donovan and I couldn’t figure out why our drinks were disappearing so fast? Turns out Gareth had been so drunk he’d been drinking our drinks and not noticing the difference. As a result Gareth had about 2 ciders, while Donovan and I had about half each.
Feeling quite cheated, I decided to get myself my favorite drink of all time: Jack and lime. After being browbeaten for a while because my drink is so ‘awful’ we played the tie breaker game of pool. 4 – 4 to each team. Donovan and I were stripes, while Gareth [quite drunk at this stage] and Justin were solids. Eventually it came down to the black ball. I took quite a difficult shot, and managed to sink it in the corner pocket, only to realize that I’d sunk the white ball too. Crap. Guess it’s just not my night…
Time to leave, but I need to quickly run off to the can. As I got back we left, and not 5 minutes later did I realize that I’d forgotten to return the chalk and white ball, losing my R20 deposit. Oh well… Heading back to Gareth’s house, we had a cup of coffee, which was great, and Donovan convinced me to play a game of chess with him [he’s addicted to games], which I was winning until I managed to do something weird and ended up messing up the game. I choose to believe that I won though.
Saturday
The day started well for me, waking up at about 11 or so. I hung out until just before 3, knowing that I was going to be doing a lot of driving in the evening. Let’s just document my travels quickly:
My house to Matt’s
Matt’s to Constantia to pick up Tessa
Tessa’s house to Matt’s house
Matt’s house to Mike’s house
Mike’s house to Justin’s house
Justin’s house to Gareth’s house
Gareth’s house to Pick n Pay
Pick n Pay to Table View AOG
Table View AOG to Lisa’s farm near Malmesbury
Lisa’s farm near Malmesbury to Mike’s house
Mike’s house to McDonalds
McDonalds to Val’s House in Kraaifontein
Val’s house in Kraaifontein to Gareth’s house
Gareth’s house to Matt’s house
Matt’s house to Tessa’s house in Constantia
Tessa’s house in Constantia to Matt’s house
Matt’s house to my house
Total distance covered: 283 km
Bloody hell! When I got home I was so tired, I just wanted to lie down. Anyway, we’re a little ahead of the story now…
So we went through to Lisa’s farewell, on account of the fact that she’s heading off to London for a year or so and we wanted to say goodbye. Had a good time, it was pretty mellow until Justin got a bad headache, which was quickly mended by 3 Panados. No problem. At about 10 we headed out to make our way to Val’s house.
Personally I had a great time at Val’s. It was Val’s brother, Stevie’s 21st party, and he was pretty drunk. And so were most of his friends, which I love. Drunk people are just so much fun, you can get them to do dumb things and they don’t remember it the next day. Anyway, the crew were pretty tired, so I went and hung out with Val and her older brother Denis, and then I chatted to Stefan before he was thrown out / went home.
Anyway, I wanted ice cream cake, so we waited until about 1:30 before Stevie summed the strength to cut it before we could go home. And so the great trek began again. I think everyone was quite tired on the way home, but I had a great time at Val’s.
Sunday
Nothing special.
Monday
Went off to the dentist in quite a while, which is never much fun. To be honest, it wasn’t anywhere near as bad as I thought it would be. Although the oral hygienist was the worst part, because the entire time she sat there talking a load of crap, and kept on asking me questions. But how the hell am I going to answer her! I’ve got her hand in my mouth!
Tuesday – Thursday
Things at the studio have been quite quiet, and there’s a horrible story behind that too, but I’ll tell it tomorrow. Suffice to say, I did some general stuff, and sat around at home sick. I’m mostly better now, but being sick is never fun…
That’s it. If you have any questions about the adventures, comment away.
Friday
Gareth invited us all around to his house for a healthy game of poker, which we all love, and a few beers. Problem was that Gareth only had rubbish beer, so he and Donovan sat there drinking and trying to convince themselves that they were enjoying it. It only worked for Gareth, because he had about 3 in quick successions, while Donovan wasn’t as successful, giving up after about 15 minutes.
We played a round, and then decided to go out to shoot some pool. Now, I’m not very good at pool, but I always enjoy it, even if I do usually lose. [I’d like to use the chance to point out that the only game I actually enjoy is poker, the rest of them I don’t really bother with.] I got us all a round of Hunter’s, because we actually drink it rather than horrible beer, and started playing. There was however one large problem. Donovan and I couldn’t figure out why our drinks were disappearing so fast? Turns out Gareth had been so drunk he’d been drinking our drinks and not noticing the difference. As a result Gareth had about 2 ciders, while Donovan and I had about half each.
Feeling quite cheated, I decided to get myself my favorite drink of all time: Jack and lime. After being browbeaten for a while because my drink is so ‘awful’ we played the tie breaker game of pool. 4 – 4 to each team. Donovan and I were stripes, while Gareth [quite drunk at this stage] and Justin were solids. Eventually it came down to the black ball. I took quite a difficult shot, and managed to sink it in the corner pocket, only to realize that I’d sunk the white ball too. Crap. Guess it’s just not my night…
Time to leave, but I need to quickly run off to the can. As I got back we left, and not 5 minutes later did I realize that I’d forgotten to return the chalk and white ball, losing my R20 deposit. Oh well… Heading back to Gareth’s house, we had a cup of coffee, which was great, and Donovan convinced me to play a game of chess with him [he’s addicted to games], which I was winning until I managed to do something weird and ended up messing up the game. I choose to believe that I won though.
Saturday
The day started well for me, waking up at about 11 or so. I hung out until just before 3, knowing that I was going to be doing a lot of driving in the evening. Let’s just document my travels quickly:
My house to Matt’s
Matt’s to Constantia to pick up Tessa
Tessa’s house to Matt’s house
Matt’s house to Mike’s house
Mike’s house to Justin’s house
Justin’s house to Gareth’s house
Gareth’s house to Pick n Pay
Pick n Pay to Table View AOG
Table View AOG to Lisa’s farm near Malmesbury
Lisa’s farm near Malmesbury to Mike’s house
Mike’s house to McDonalds
McDonalds to Val’s House in Kraaifontein
Val’s house in Kraaifontein to Gareth’s house
Gareth’s house to Matt’s house
Matt’s house to Tessa’s house in Constantia
Tessa’s house in Constantia to Matt’s house
Matt’s house to my house
Total distance covered: 283 km
Bloody hell! When I got home I was so tired, I just wanted to lie down. Anyway, we’re a little ahead of the story now…
So we went through to Lisa’s farewell, on account of the fact that she’s heading off to London for a year or so and we wanted to say goodbye. Had a good time, it was pretty mellow until Justin got a bad headache, which was quickly mended by 3 Panados. No problem. At about 10 we headed out to make our way to Val’s house.
Personally I had a great time at Val’s. It was Val’s brother, Stevie’s 21st party, and he was pretty drunk. And so were most of his friends, which I love. Drunk people are just so much fun, you can get them to do dumb things and they don’t remember it the next day. Anyway, the crew were pretty tired, so I went and hung out with Val and her older brother Denis, and then I chatted to Stefan before he was thrown out / went home.
Anyway, I wanted ice cream cake, so we waited until about 1:30 before Stevie summed the strength to cut it before we could go home. And so the great trek began again. I think everyone was quite tired on the way home, but I had a great time at Val’s.
Sunday
Nothing special.
Monday
Went off to the dentist in quite a while, which is never much fun. To be honest, it wasn’t anywhere near as bad as I thought it would be. Although the oral hygienist was the worst part, because the entire time she sat there talking a load of crap, and kept on asking me questions. But how the hell am I going to answer her! I’ve got her hand in my mouth!
Tuesday – Thursday
Things at the studio have been quite quiet, and there’s a horrible story behind that too, but I’ll tell it tomorrow. Suffice to say, I did some general stuff, and sat around at home sick. I’m mostly better now, but being sick is never fun…
That’s it. If you have any questions about the adventures, comment away.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
My 21st Party
So the last few days have had some pretty thought provoking material, and I’ve decided to take a break and just talk about something I’m excited about, my 21st party. I’ve already found the perfect date: 15 December. It’s a Monday, but the following day is a public holiday so it’ll be sweet. Everyone can come and hang out until any time.
We’ll also be having awesome live entertainment. My good friends Gareth and Danny are in a great rock band named Take The State, and they’ll be playing. I’ve also a few other people who I know that I’m going to ask if they’d like to play. While all of this is awesome, I’ll need a sound rig.
So I did some asking around and I have a friend who is a lighting engineer at C&S, and he’s going to do his best to get me a discount on a sweet rig. Here’s what I’m aiming to getting:
24 Channel Console
2 x Nexo PS15 [FOH tops]
2 x Nexo LS1200 [FOH bottoms]
4 x Nexo PS10 [Monitors]
2 x Crown VM3200 [FOH Amps]
2 x Crown VM1600 [Monitor Amps]
2 x Speaker Stands
6 x 2mx3m Stage Pieces
2 x AKG D112 [Kick and Bass]
4 x Shure SM58 [Corded Vox mics]
5 x Shure SM57 [Guitars, Snare]
2 x Shure SM81 [Overheads]
3 x Shure SM56 [Tom mics]
2 x BSS AR133 [DI]
5 x dbx 266XL [dual channel gate and compressor]
1 x Effects Unit [delay / reverb]
1 x FOH processor [Graphic EQ and compressor]
It’s going to be legend – dairy. If I can get the rig, then we’ll be able to party like there’s no Area 51… If I can’t then I’ll just get a massive sound system and we’ll just turn the music up, but hold thumbs…
Anyway, I do however have some other logistical problems. I’m going to ask everyone to bring their own meat for the braai, and I’ll buy some salad stuff, rolls, chips, and a few beers. Then I’ll tell everyone to bring something to drink, and if they want something other than beer they have to bring it. Now, I have two questions:
Do you think the above is reasonable?
What beer should I get? I don’t like beer, only cider. But a lot of guys do like it so what’s cheap that people like?
Comment away. Also if you are in a band and would like to play, then if I get the rig you’re welcome to rock out...
We’ll also be having awesome live entertainment. My good friends Gareth and Danny are in a great rock band named Take The State, and they’ll be playing. I’ve also a few other people who I know that I’m going to ask if they’d like to play. While all of this is awesome, I’ll need a sound rig.
So I did some asking around and I have a friend who is a lighting engineer at C&S, and he’s going to do his best to get me a discount on a sweet rig. Here’s what I’m aiming to getting:
24 Channel Console
2 x Nexo PS15 [FOH tops]
2 x Nexo LS1200 [FOH bottoms]
4 x Nexo PS10 [Monitors]
2 x Crown VM3200 [FOH Amps]
2 x Crown VM1600 [Monitor Amps]
2 x Speaker Stands
6 x 2mx3m Stage Pieces
2 x AKG D112 [Kick and Bass]
4 x Shure SM58 [Corded Vox mics]
5 x Shure SM57 [Guitars, Snare]
2 x Shure SM81 [Overheads]
3 x Shure SM56 [Tom mics]
2 x BSS AR133 [DI]
5 x dbx 266XL [dual channel gate and compressor]
1 x Effects Unit [delay / reverb]
1 x FOH processor [Graphic EQ and compressor]
It’s going to be legend – dairy. If I can get the rig, then we’ll be able to party like there’s no Area 51… If I can’t then I’ll just get a massive sound system and we’ll just turn the music up, but hold thumbs…
Anyway, I do however have some other logistical problems. I’m going to ask everyone to bring their own meat for the braai, and I’ll buy some salad stuff, rolls, chips, and a few beers. Then I’ll tell everyone to bring something to drink, and if they want something other than beer they have to bring it. Now, I have two questions:
Do you think the above is reasonable?
What beer should I get? I don’t like beer, only cider. But a lot of guys do like it so what’s cheap that people like?
Comment away. Also if you are in a band and would like to play, then if I get the rig you’re welcome to rock out...
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
The Big Picture
In case you don’t know I’m a planner. I like to plan. I like to think on a larger than life scale, and if I see anything smaller than ‘5 years from now’ it doesn’t really make cense. While this is a great attribute to have as a MD or something, it’s also extremely difficult because I struggle to think about here and now. I can’t see the point of looking at right now, because I’m thinking about next year November.
As a result of my large outlook on life, I dream. A lot. Like all the time. I have so many ideas for the future, and I devote a lot of my time to thinking about the future, a future which in many cases is entirely feasible. There is however one problem. I actually have to start working now in order for that future to become a reality. I’m sure you can see where I’m going with this…
If you want to be an amazing guitar player, you actually have to practice guitar, and not once a week, but two or three hours a day. It’s the only way you’ll achieve your dream. Now the truth is that anyone can be an awesome guitar player if they put in the time, but only people who put the time in ever get to that level. Not as much fun anymore, now is it?
For a long time I thought I was just lazy, or perhaps the ultimate procrastinator of all time but recently I found out why I dream so much. A few weeks ago my brother did an Mias Briggs personality test, and we found out a lot about him. Then I dug out my Mias Briggs results, and read up about my personality type.
Turns out that I’m either an INTJ or an ENTJ, depending on the situation [at times I am introverted and when with others I will become extroverted]. What I discovered is that people with my personality type usually prefer theoretical concepts, often enjoying abstract art and theorems.
Suddenly I realized that I’m not lazy. I’m doing what I enjoy, which is awesome. Now, while this doesn’t mean that sitting around think about nice things is acceptable behavior, but I now know that this is part of my personality I need to address. So I’ve come up with a cunning plan to help myself continue to move forward: Each day I will set myself a minimum of two tasks which I will be required to complete by the end of the day.
It may sound silly, and it may not sound like enough, but it’s a start. A small start, but a start nonetheless.
Today’s tasks are:
Finish my CV off and have it ready for the SABC and Murray [Check]
Get a quote for the sound system for my 21st party [Almost Check]
I predict a great party coming up, but more details on the way…
As a result of my large outlook on life, I dream. A lot. Like all the time. I have so many ideas for the future, and I devote a lot of my time to thinking about the future, a future which in many cases is entirely feasible. There is however one problem. I actually have to start working now in order for that future to become a reality. I’m sure you can see where I’m going with this…
If you want to be an amazing guitar player, you actually have to practice guitar, and not once a week, but two or three hours a day. It’s the only way you’ll achieve your dream. Now the truth is that anyone can be an awesome guitar player if they put in the time, but only people who put the time in ever get to that level. Not as much fun anymore, now is it?
For a long time I thought I was just lazy, or perhaps the ultimate procrastinator of all time but recently I found out why I dream so much. A few weeks ago my brother did an Mias Briggs personality test, and we found out a lot about him. Then I dug out my Mias Briggs results, and read up about my personality type.
Turns out that I’m either an INTJ or an ENTJ, depending on the situation [at times I am introverted and when with others I will become extroverted]. What I discovered is that people with my personality type usually prefer theoretical concepts, often enjoying abstract art and theorems.
Suddenly I realized that I’m not lazy. I’m doing what I enjoy, which is awesome. Now, while this doesn’t mean that sitting around think about nice things is acceptable behavior, but I now know that this is part of my personality I need to address. So I’ve come up with a cunning plan to help myself continue to move forward: Each day I will set myself a minimum of two tasks which I will be required to complete by the end of the day.
It may sound silly, and it may not sound like enough, but it’s a start. A small start, but a start nonetheless.
Today’s tasks are:
Finish my CV off and have it ready for the SABC and Murray [Check]
Get a quote for the sound system for my 21st party [Almost Check]
I predict a great party coming up, but more details on the way…
Monday, October 20, 2008
Arrogance Relative To Self Esteem
Recently I was hanging out with some friends and we were all having a lot of fun. But to be honest, I wasn’t having as much fun as I was pretending to have. You see, I started looking around the room, and I saw these awesome guys who were all super talented. They’ve all got something that they’re great at, and I felt like I wasn’t good at anything. I felt like I was inferior and I needed to come up with something that I could say “yea, I’m great at this”.
I started to feel quite bummed, and someone cracked a joke about how clever I was for saying something [what I said escapes me, but I think it was a little silly], and I replied by saying “well, I’m a genius”. Finally I had it. I had something that I knew I was good at, but as much as I said it I didn’t feel any more confident in myself or my abilities, and I still felt just as crap as before.
[The truth is that I really am a genius, and I did some IQ testing at the psychologist’s office and I fell into the top 3% of people in the world.]
Anyway, so Donovan asked me if I had a membership to MENSA and I don’t, and he said I should get one. So I started thinking, maybe if I have a membership I’ll be able to flash it around and then people will know I’m really good at this. I decided to get into the MENSA society.
The following day I was feeling it was time to let people know that I’m going to be a MENSA member, and so I did. I disguised it as a way to get dates, but it was quite a feeble disguise. For me it was actually a “You all have something, and here’s my thing”, but it wasn’t interpreted that way. I think my friends took it as a passing phase, but my good friend Gareth pointed out a very large flaw in my plan, he said: “No one wants to be shown that they’re dumber than you are”
That really got me thinking. I realized that what I had been doing was way off course, and that I wasn’t going to feel any better about myself by putting others down. What I was trying to show is that I don’t care what other people think, and that I don’t need people’s approval. But the truth is that I DO care what other people think. And I do want their approval.
You see, I had become very arrogant in an attempt to disguise the fact that I care about everyone else’s opinion. And in the process I had hurt my friends, which was never what I wanted.
“So what are you saying?” you may ask. Well, I’m saying I care. I’m human, and I’m sorry. I’m sorry for putting others down, and for lying to myself. The answer to my confidence levels isn’t found in my ability or others lack thereof. It’s found in the knowledge I have in myself. And in YHVH / God.
So that’s my project for the week. Stop being arrogant and start being who I want to be. I think the statement “The last shall be the first” has a lot more meaning that I ever imagined…
I started to feel quite bummed, and someone cracked a joke about how clever I was for saying something [what I said escapes me, but I think it was a little silly], and I replied by saying “well, I’m a genius”. Finally I had it. I had something that I knew I was good at, but as much as I said it I didn’t feel any more confident in myself or my abilities, and I still felt just as crap as before.
[The truth is that I really am a genius, and I did some IQ testing at the psychologist’s office and I fell into the top 3% of people in the world.]
Anyway, so Donovan asked me if I had a membership to MENSA and I don’t, and he said I should get one. So I started thinking, maybe if I have a membership I’ll be able to flash it around and then people will know I’m really good at this. I decided to get into the MENSA society.
The following day I was feeling it was time to let people know that I’m going to be a MENSA member, and so I did. I disguised it as a way to get dates, but it was quite a feeble disguise. For me it was actually a “You all have something, and here’s my thing”, but it wasn’t interpreted that way. I think my friends took it as a passing phase, but my good friend Gareth pointed out a very large flaw in my plan, he said: “No one wants to be shown that they’re dumber than you are”
That really got me thinking. I realized that what I had been doing was way off course, and that I wasn’t going to feel any better about myself by putting others down. What I was trying to show is that I don’t care what other people think, and that I don’t need people’s approval. But the truth is that I DO care what other people think. And I do want their approval.
You see, I had become very arrogant in an attempt to disguise the fact that I care about everyone else’s opinion. And in the process I had hurt my friends, which was never what I wanted.
“So what are you saying?” you may ask. Well, I’m saying I care. I’m human, and I’m sorry. I’m sorry for putting others down, and for lying to myself. The answer to my confidence levels isn’t found in my ability or others lack thereof. It’s found in the knowledge I have in myself. And in YHVH / God.
So that’s my project for the week. Stop being arrogant and start being who I want to be. I think the statement “The last shall be the first” has a lot more meaning that I ever imagined…
Sunday, October 19, 2008
Values
Yesterday evening I was having a chat with my friend the MS [Matt Slade] on MXit and we got onto the topic of values, which got me thinking. What are the things that I would and would not give up for a girlfriend.
In case you don't know I don't have a girlfriend, and have in fact never had one. Truth be told I've gotten close but things just didn't work out, which I'm not unhappy about. Sure at the time it was heartbreaking but in hindsight I'm quite relieved. Anyway, back to the topic at hand.
So part of the reason I've never had a relationship is because I haven't been able to determine quite a few key variables. One of my biggest 'things' in life is making sure you have reasonable expectations so that you don't end up getting disappointed. You need to assess what you want out of life, and one of those variables is what is a reasonable expectation from the relationship, with relation to how the relationship will operate.
Part of any successful relationship, or friendship, is sacrifice. For example, I have a friend named Gareth and he doesn't like Pink Floyd [crazy I know...] but I love them, so I don't listen to Pink Floyd in the car when we're driving somewhere. That's a sacrifice I chose to make for my friend. And while in this case it doesn't cost me much, in a relationship there are many more things that you need to sacrifice, from both sides of the fence, and they usually cost a lot more...
So if I were to enter a relationship with reasonable expectations, what would I be willing to sacrifice, and what would I refuse to sacrifice? I came up with a small list of things I'd refuse to sacrifice, and pretty much everything else is up in the air. So here they are:
Things I wouldn't sacrifice for any girlfriend:
> My relationship with God / YHVH
> Music
> Most of my family
> My friends
> Not having children [I really don't like kids]
That's it. The things above are what make me who I am, and if I were to have to give these things up I wouldn't be myself. It's not worth it. Sure, I'm happy to make concessions, for example if my girlfriend doesn't like operatic music, I wouldn't listen to it when she's around, but that doesn't mean I'm going to give my Mozart CDs away.
Sure there are other things I like doing, that I'd sacrifice. Like the economy. I love looking at the latest financial data, and discussion my predictions in relation to the global economy but if she hates it I'd stop talking to her about it, or almost anything else for that matter, and I'd have things I don't like about her that she'd have to sacrifice but the things above are 'deal breakers' for me.
At the end of the day, every relationship is a negotiation, and you have to have reasonable expectations and go in knowing what you can't give away. If I were to give up the above things, I'd be lying to myself, and that's not worth it...
So are you sacrificing enough for your loved ones? Or are you making unreasonable demands? Remember, if one of the parties is being treated unfairly, he or she will end up with feelings of resentment, and that's where the friendship turns into an acquaintanceship.
Richard
In case you don't know I don't have a girlfriend, and have in fact never had one. Truth be told I've gotten close but things just didn't work out, which I'm not unhappy about. Sure at the time it was heartbreaking but in hindsight I'm quite relieved. Anyway, back to the topic at hand.
So part of the reason I've never had a relationship is because I haven't been able to determine quite a few key variables. One of my biggest 'things' in life is making sure you have reasonable expectations so that you don't end up getting disappointed. You need to assess what you want out of life, and one of those variables is what is a reasonable expectation from the relationship, with relation to how the relationship will operate.
Part of any successful relationship, or friendship, is sacrifice. For example, I have a friend named Gareth and he doesn't like Pink Floyd [crazy I know...] but I love them, so I don't listen to Pink Floyd in the car when we're driving somewhere. That's a sacrifice I chose to make for my friend. And while in this case it doesn't cost me much, in a relationship there are many more things that you need to sacrifice, from both sides of the fence, and they usually cost a lot more...
So if I were to enter a relationship with reasonable expectations, what would I be willing to sacrifice, and what would I refuse to sacrifice? I came up with a small list of things I'd refuse to sacrifice, and pretty much everything else is up in the air. So here they are:
Things I wouldn't sacrifice for any girlfriend:
> My relationship with God / YHVH
> Music
> Most of my family
> My friends
> Not having children [I really don't like kids]
That's it. The things above are what make me who I am, and if I were to have to give these things up I wouldn't be myself. It's not worth it. Sure, I'm happy to make concessions, for example if my girlfriend doesn't like operatic music, I wouldn't listen to it when she's around, but that doesn't mean I'm going to give my Mozart CDs away.
Sure there are other things I like doing, that I'd sacrifice. Like the economy. I love looking at the latest financial data, and discussion my predictions in relation to the global economy but if she hates it I'd stop talking to her about it, or almost anything else for that matter, and I'd have things I don't like about her that she'd have to sacrifice but the things above are 'deal breakers' for me.
At the end of the day, every relationship is a negotiation, and you have to have reasonable expectations and go in knowing what you can't give away. If I were to give up the above things, I'd be lying to myself, and that's not worth it...
So are you sacrificing enough for your loved ones? Or are you making unreasonable demands? Remember, if one of the parties is being treated unfairly, he or she will end up with feelings of resentment, and that's where the friendship turns into an acquaintanceship.
Richard
My First Blog
Hey guys
The more perceptive of you would have picked up from the title that this is my first blog. I'm not sure where it'll go, but it'll be a journey and I'd love it if you'd come along for the ride. Here are somethings you may expect to find in this blog:
> Details about myself
> Details of my activities
> Questions I have come up with and am thinking about
> Questions I'd like you to contribute answers to
> Anything else random about myself I feel inclined to post
I'll try and update this as often as possible, so check back at least once a week for new installments.
Richard
The more perceptive of you would have picked up from the title that this is my first blog. I'm not sure where it'll go, but it'll be a journey and I'd love it if you'd come along for the ride. Here are somethings you may expect to find in this blog:
> Details about myself
> Details of my activities
> Questions I have come up with and am thinking about
> Questions I'd like you to contribute answers to
> Anything else random about myself I feel inclined to post
I'll try and update this as often as possible, so check back at least once a week for new installments.
Richard
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