Monday, October 20, 2008

Arrogance Relative To Self Esteem

Recently I was hanging out with some friends and we were all having a lot of fun. But to be honest, I wasn’t having as much fun as I was pretending to have. You see, I started looking around the room, and I saw these awesome guys who were all super talented. They’ve all got something that they’re great at, and I felt like I wasn’t good at anything. I felt like I was inferior and I needed to come up with something that I could say “yea, I’m great at this”.

I started to feel quite bummed, and someone cracked a joke about how clever I was for saying something [what I said escapes me, but I think it was a little silly], and I replied by saying “well, I’m a genius”. Finally I had it. I had something that I knew I was good at, but as much as I said it I didn’t feel any more confident in myself or my abilities, and I still felt just as crap as before.

[The truth is that I really am a genius, and I did some IQ testing at the psychologist’s office and I fell into the top 3% of people in the world.]

Anyway, so Donovan asked me if I had a membership to MENSA and I don’t, and he said I should get one. So I started thinking, maybe if I have a membership I’ll be able to flash it around and then people will know I’m really good at this. I decided to get into the MENSA society.

The following day I was feeling it was time to let people know that I’m going to be a MENSA member, and so I did. I disguised it as a way to get dates, but it was quite a feeble disguise. For me it was actually a “You all have something, and here’s my thing”, but it wasn’t interpreted that way. I think my friends took it as a passing phase, but my good friend Gareth pointed out a very large flaw in my plan, he said: “No one wants to be shown that they’re dumber than you are”

That really got me thinking. I realized that what I had been doing was way off course, and that I wasn’t going to feel any better about myself by putting others down. What I was trying to show is that I don’t care what other people think, and that I don’t need people’s approval. But the truth is that I DO care what other people think. And I do want their approval.

You see, I had become very arrogant in an attempt to disguise the fact that I care about everyone else’s opinion. And in the process I had hurt my friends, which was never what I wanted.

“So what are you saying?” you may ask. Well, I’m saying I care. I’m human, and I’m sorry. I’m sorry for putting others down, and for lying to myself. The answer to my confidence levels isn’t found in my ability or others lack thereof. It’s found in the knowledge I have in myself. And in YHVH / God.

So that’s my project for the week. Stop being arrogant and start being who I want to be. I think the statement “The last shall be the first” has a lot more meaning that I ever imagined…

2 comments:

  1. Good points raised. You should still go for the MENSA thing though. Just change your motives. It will look good on your CV, so don't give it up because of others feeling dumb. Just don't flash it around. Also, go read my haircut blog.

    Peace out playa

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  2. Fair enough. But I'm not a 'playa'. Or a player for that matter...

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