I know what I want to feel. I know what I want to look like, and it isn't what anyone truly desires, but I don't believe I am worth of being desired. The happiness my beauty affords scares me in a way I don't understand and am still learning to give to others.
It is like a beautiful statue carved of marble, left out to be displayed for all to see and appreciate. As time goes on more and more people appreciate the work, the effort and the sacrifice which has made this piece of art what it is but this delay carries a weight the piece will never recover from. Cracks and stains are left on what was intended to be perfection incarnated but as the price of time is paid, the reward of work becomes richer and deeper.
The lost perfection creates character which identifies the appreciation fewer and fewer people feel but the true reward of the intention becomes an engulfing and life changing event that will be echoed through the years of all parties involved.
My degradation is something I enjoy but it's reward is unbearable. So I deny the cracks my feelings are expressing in a selfish act of maintenance. But perhaps these cracks lead to something that will heal my feelings and assure my fear. Perhaps this is my degradation in an unfamiliar format.
"And I can talk, I place pride on tick and tock"
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Monday, December 28, 2009
Back from the Future
So for those of you who don't know I have been in Joburg since June doing training to become an Air Traffic Controller. As a result of this I have had no life (literally) for the last six months and have spent all my time trying to get back to Cape Town for a weekend at a time. As a result I have neglected lots of things I wish I had not, including my blogging / writing and reading. So now that I have my life back I shall be starting once again.
So, this is my first blog and I am going to write about something you can all choose to disregard as you usually do, namely Chelsea.
This season they started off rather shakily with a new manager and a new system that didn't seem to be working to well. The 'Anchovy' started out with a classic 4-diamond-2 formation with a holding midfielder, two central midfielders and a playmaking midfielder behind two strikers. The fullbacks were encouraged to move into midfield and the midfielders were asked to attack and create attacks to feed the strikers.
There was one major problem with this: Chelsea's midfield has always been a solid, foundational one rather than a talismanic, creative and attacking one which is what the system called for.
This of course is exactly the system played at AC Milan and was never going to work. Then Ancelotti changed to the system to something closer to what I had originally intended, but not quite there. That was, fullbacks coming forward, three central midfielders and three central strikers. The defence would come from the central midfielders and center halves, the attacks would come from the fullbacks and the three central strikers would play a very fluid system with one striker trailing from midfield, moving to the flanks or dropping in late as required.
The system was working well until the Arsenal game a few weeks ago. After that everything went south, and I know exactly why. You see, Chelsea have three problems. First is the most evident at the moment, their midfield.
Just before the Arsenal game Chelsea picked up a few injuries in midfield and because they only have five players to fill three positions they are now playing with at least one, often two semi injured players in midfield. Because of this they are slow and loose, giving away possession easily and not winning it back. This has a knock on effect resulting in the fullbacks not being able to come forward, extra pressure on the central defenders which leads to fouls, the trailing striker having to drop back into midfield and subsequently the two strikers being isolated.
There is no problem with conceding a goal or two in a game, provided you are scoring three. But with the strikers being isolated they aren't scoring and it is proving costly. If they tighten up midfield the fullbacks with come forward, the trailing striker will be able to assist them and attack, and the strikers will be back in the game and the team will score 3 or more a game once again.
This midfield problem is as a result, however, of the second problem which is their current team. There are four players in the team that should not be there, one who is doubtful and quite a few who need to be brought in.
The first problematic player is Kalou. He is a thoroughly average striker in my opinion. I don't know if it is just his confidence or because he is poor or something but he needs to go. He has good off the ball movement but no ability to finish and is by no means any sort of substitute for Drogba or Anelka. The second troublesome player is Deco. He is being used behind the strikers as a trailing striker but he is the most erratic footballer in history. One day everything he does turns into a chance, he scores wonderful goals and does nothing wrong, and then the next three days are dogged with underwhelming performances where he gives possession away every time he touches the ball, can't get a shot on target and in all honest may as well be playing for the other team. I don't know if this is a confidence issue or not, but as he struggles more he drops further and further back into midfield until he may as well be in central midfield and not trying to attack at all. Personally I think this problem could be remedied by playing him in central midfield, possibly at the base of the diamond where he could spray passes around.
The third player who poses a problem is Belletti. A wonderful right back in his day, he is now over it in my opinion. The Anchovy is keeping him because he is a clever player and is versatile because he can play on the right of central midfield, but in my opinion he should go. End of discussion. Finally, the fourth player who is circumspect is Ferriera. He is a good right back, but with Bosingwa and seemingly Ivanovic ahead of him in the pecking order I don't know where he is going to fit in. He should go too.
Once these four players have been sorted out there are a few who need to come in, with a healthy balance of youth. With Chelsea's system changing to one without wing players a certain amount of change is expected. I think Chelsea are at least one striker 'light' (with Kalou being a fail Drogba and Anelka need cover), they are at least one central midfielder light too (five for three positions, and a defensive player required) and the problem at right back needs to be sorted out. They seem to have three right back players with two being sub par, one being injured and a center half doing a very good job there (Ivanovic), this position needs to be looked at. Either they need to buy a center half so Ivanovic can stay out wide, or they need to buy a right back to play with Bosingwa, sell the two fails and let Ivanovic move back into the center. They also need another attacking midfielder to play with the brilliant Joe Cole, especially because at the moment he is still regaining fitness and form after his long injury, and through all of this the team also need to bring in some youth players, if possible from the academy.
So, here's what I think Chelsea need to do:
Sell - Bellitti, Ferriera, Kalou
Buy - Sergio Aguero, Romleu Lukaku, Lucas Piazon, Jack Rodwell
They need to bring Daniel Sturridge (fast, powerful and strong) and Fabio Borini (clinical striker with wonderful off the ball movement) in as strikers as well as buying Romleu Lukaku (a 17 year old called the new Drogba), and with the three of these players coming in with Drogba, Anelka (both getting on a bit) and Aguero Chelsea will have the best strike force in Europe.
Behind the strikers they should play Joe Cole and Gael Kakuta. Kakuta is ready for the first team in my opinion, passes extremely well and like Joe Cole attacks from deeper back naturally. He is 18 years old and has a lot to learn but with the strike force in front of him, and Anelka or Sturridge able to drop back into this position they will have plenty of cover as well as youth.
In central midfield they need to bring Nemanja Matic and Jacopo Sala through. These are two left and right sided central midfielders respectively, with Sala often playing in the defensive / holding position. They are both technical and solid players able to tackle solidly, pass accurately and provide stability and regulate the tempo of the game which will give the strikers and fullbacks licence to tear around attacking at will.
They should also incorporate Jack Rodwell into this setup in the holding position. Currently at Everton, he could cover for Mikel and Essien during the African Cup of Nations, and would also be able to be dropped into the center half position he is aiming for afterwards. This would mean Chelsea have Lampard, Malouda and Matic on the left. Mikel, Rodwell and Deco in the center. Essien, Ballack and Sala on the right. Later on they can bring McEachran in as a more attacking and creative left footed central midfielder.
As for defense I think they should leave Ivanovic in at right back with Bosingwa and let Jeffrey Bruma come through in the central midfield position. They should have Ashley Cole and Yury Zhirkov at left back and Terry, Alex and Carvalho in at central midfield. The team should bring Michael Mancienne and Sam Hutchison through for the central defense too. They will need to look at attacking fullbacks though for the future. I think they should choose wing players from the academy and bring them in.
So, overall they need to sell three players, buy four and bring quite a few youth through. There is one problem though. The Anchovy doesn't want to buy, so he is trying to bring through the youth quickly. But with all the pressure on him with the side not performing at the moment I don't know how much longer he will be around. Guus may be closer than we all think...
So, this is my first blog and I am going to write about something you can all choose to disregard as you usually do, namely Chelsea.
This season they started off rather shakily with a new manager and a new system that didn't seem to be working to well. The 'Anchovy' started out with a classic 4-diamond-2 formation with a holding midfielder, two central midfielders and a playmaking midfielder behind two strikers. The fullbacks were encouraged to move into midfield and the midfielders were asked to attack and create attacks to feed the strikers.
There was one major problem with this: Chelsea's midfield has always been a solid, foundational one rather than a talismanic, creative and attacking one which is what the system called for.
This of course is exactly the system played at AC Milan and was never going to work. Then Ancelotti changed to the system to something closer to what I had originally intended, but not quite there. That was, fullbacks coming forward, three central midfielders and three central strikers. The defence would come from the central midfielders and center halves, the attacks would come from the fullbacks and the three central strikers would play a very fluid system with one striker trailing from midfield, moving to the flanks or dropping in late as required.
The system was working well until the Arsenal game a few weeks ago. After that everything went south, and I know exactly why. You see, Chelsea have three problems. First is the most evident at the moment, their midfield.
Just before the Arsenal game Chelsea picked up a few injuries in midfield and because they only have five players to fill three positions they are now playing with at least one, often two semi injured players in midfield. Because of this they are slow and loose, giving away possession easily and not winning it back. This has a knock on effect resulting in the fullbacks not being able to come forward, extra pressure on the central defenders which leads to fouls, the trailing striker having to drop back into midfield and subsequently the two strikers being isolated.
There is no problem with conceding a goal or two in a game, provided you are scoring three. But with the strikers being isolated they aren't scoring and it is proving costly. If they tighten up midfield the fullbacks with come forward, the trailing striker will be able to assist them and attack, and the strikers will be back in the game and the team will score 3 or more a game once again.
This midfield problem is as a result, however, of the second problem which is their current team. There are four players in the team that should not be there, one who is doubtful and quite a few who need to be brought in.
The first problematic player is Kalou. He is a thoroughly average striker in my opinion. I don't know if it is just his confidence or because he is poor or something but he needs to go. He has good off the ball movement but no ability to finish and is by no means any sort of substitute for Drogba or Anelka. The second troublesome player is Deco. He is being used behind the strikers as a trailing striker but he is the most erratic footballer in history. One day everything he does turns into a chance, he scores wonderful goals and does nothing wrong, and then the next three days are dogged with underwhelming performances where he gives possession away every time he touches the ball, can't get a shot on target and in all honest may as well be playing for the other team. I don't know if this is a confidence issue or not, but as he struggles more he drops further and further back into midfield until he may as well be in central midfield and not trying to attack at all. Personally I think this problem could be remedied by playing him in central midfield, possibly at the base of the diamond where he could spray passes around.
The third player who poses a problem is Belletti. A wonderful right back in his day, he is now over it in my opinion. The Anchovy is keeping him because he is a clever player and is versatile because he can play on the right of central midfield, but in my opinion he should go. End of discussion. Finally, the fourth player who is circumspect is Ferriera. He is a good right back, but with Bosingwa and seemingly Ivanovic ahead of him in the pecking order I don't know where he is going to fit in. He should go too.
Once these four players have been sorted out there are a few who need to come in, with a healthy balance of youth. With Chelsea's system changing to one without wing players a certain amount of change is expected. I think Chelsea are at least one striker 'light' (with Kalou being a fail Drogba and Anelka need cover), they are at least one central midfielder light too (five for three positions, and a defensive player required) and the problem at right back needs to be sorted out. They seem to have three right back players with two being sub par, one being injured and a center half doing a very good job there (Ivanovic), this position needs to be looked at. Either they need to buy a center half so Ivanovic can stay out wide, or they need to buy a right back to play with Bosingwa, sell the two fails and let Ivanovic move back into the center. They also need another attacking midfielder to play with the brilliant Joe Cole, especially because at the moment he is still regaining fitness and form after his long injury, and through all of this the team also need to bring in some youth players, if possible from the academy.
So, here's what I think Chelsea need to do:
Sell - Bellitti, Ferriera, Kalou
Buy - Sergio Aguero, Romleu Lukaku, Lucas Piazon, Jack Rodwell
They need to bring Daniel Sturridge (fast, powerful and strong) and Fabio Borini (clinical striker with wonderful off the ball movement) in as strikers as well as buying Romleu Lukaku (a 17 year old called the new Drogba), and with the three of these players coming in with Drogba, Anelka (both getting on a bit) and Aguero Chelsea will have the best strike force in Europe.
Behind the strikers they should play Joe Cole and Gael Kakuta. Kakuta is ready for the first team in my opinion, passes extremely well and like Joe Cole attacks from deeper back naturally. He is 18 years old and has a lot to learn but with the strike force in front of him, and Anelka or Sturridge able to drop back into this position they will have plenty of cover as well as youth.
In central midfield they need to bring Nemanja Matic and Jacopo Sala through. These are two left and right sided central midfielders respectively, with Sala often playing in the defensive / holding position. They are both technical and solid players able to tackle solidly, pass accurately and provide stability and regulate the tempo of the game which will give the strikers and fullbacks licence to tear around attacking at will.
They should also incorporate Jack Rodwell into this setup in the holding position. Currently at Everton, he could cover for Mikel and Essien during the African Cup of Nations, and would also be able to be dropped into the center half position he is aiming for afterwards. This would mean Chelsea have Lampard, Malouda and Matic on the left. Mikel, Rodwell and Deco in the center. Essien, Ballack and Sala on the right. Later on they can bring McEachran in as a more attacking and creative left footed central midfielder.
As for defense I think they should leave Ivanovic in at right back with Bosingwa and let Jeffrey Bruma come through in the central midfield position. They should have Ashley Cole and Yury Zhirkov at left back and Terry, Alex and Carvalho in at central midfield. The team should bring Michael Mancienne and Sam Hutchison through for the central defense too. They will need to look at attacking fullbacks though for the future. I think they should choose wing players from the academy and bring them in.
So, overall they need to sell three players, buy four and bring quite a few youth through. There is one problem though. The Anchovy doesn't want to buy, so he is trying to bring through the youth quickly. But with all the pressure on him with the side not performing at the moment I don't know how much longer he will be around. Guus may be closer than we all think...
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Airplane Seats
so for those of you who do follow my blog you'd have noticed that I've been rather quiet of late. There's a simple explination for this, I've been thinking about something that I didn't want to put online. About two months ago I met a wonderful woman named Carianne and I started thinking about relationships and if I was ready for one, or if I would ever be ready for one. After much thought and quite a few mostly sleepless nights I decided to ask her if she would be interested in a romantic relationship, and she was in fact rather pleased by this news because she had been thinking the same thing for a while too apparently.
So on the first of June I got my first girlfriend and it has been, and continues to be the best experience of my life. There was of course a shit load to think about, not least because today I have embarked on yet another new journey in my life which has had a major effect on our relationship.
You see, today I left to go to Joburg for three months so that I can train to become an Air Traffic Controller. I'm currently sitting in an airplane feeling rather scared and sad, but with some sense of hope that things will actually work out in the end.
This hope is of course fuelled partially by the fact that Carianne, Pierre and possibly a few of my other friends are likely to road trip to visit me in a few weeks time, but mostly because I am confident in not only my ability but also the fact that I am doing the right thing.
I am starting a career and am actually doing something with my life, and that's a good feeling. Up until now I've not known what I was going to do, or indeed what I wanted to do, but now I know that this is something that I can do, and hopefully well. It is a strange feeling though because I haven't actually started training or anything like that, but I just have a feeling that I can do this.
Now, I'm sure that I shall be blogging a lot more over the next few months, and possibly longer so please do check back for updates. I will also be on various IMs so when I get a chance I will always be ready for a chat. Right now I just don't want to cry too much so I'm going to try and get some sleep.
So on the first of June I got my first girlfriend and it has been, and continues to be the best experience of my life. There was of course a shit load to think about, not least because today I have embarked on yet another new journey in my life which has had a major effect on our relationship.
You see, today I left to go to Joburg for three months so that I can train to become an Air Traffic Controller. I'm currently sitting in an airplane feeling rather scared and sad, but with some sense of hope that things will actually work out in the end.
This hope is of course fuelled partially by the fact that Carianne, Pierre and possibly a few of my other friends are likely to road trip to visit me in a few weeks time, but mostly because I am confident in not only my ability but also the fact that I am doing the right thing.
I am starting a career and am actually doing something with my life, and that's a good feeling. Up until now I've not known what I was going to do, or indeed what I wanted to do, but now I know that this is something that I can do, and hopefully well. It is a strange feeling though because I haven't actually started training or anything like that, but I just have a feeling that I can do this.
Now, I'm sure that I shall be blogging a lot more over the next few months, and possibly longer so please do check back for updates. I will also be on various IMs so when I get a chance I will always be ready for a chat. Right now I just don't want to cry too much so I'm going to try and get some sleep.
Friday, May 22, 2009
Shallowness
Salam malakim. As I'm sure you've all noticed I haven't blogged in a while, partially because I've been working quite a bit as a Butler, partially because my internet has been permafucked for a while and mostly because I've been thinking about quite a bit in a fair amount of depth.
I've been thinking about quite a few things, but for some reason the topic of love and romance has been rather high on my list of thoughts of late, probably due to the fact that quite a few of my friends have encountered love on some level recently.
Anyway, today isn't about that because I have quite a bit of thinking still to do before I can start formulating any sort of theorem on how all the different levels of love fit together, but today I've been thinking about how things in my life have changed of late.
I saw some pictures of myself on the good book today from about 2 months ago, and I looked like shit. Like, I really looked bad. And now I look pretty good I think. So, what's changed?
Well, I got a hair cut. It's not long anymore, and quite a few people think it's cool. I don't really know but I think it looks better. I've got some facial hair but I don't know how much of a difference that has made, but the really big difference is that I've lost a lot of weight. Like quite a few kgs. But the weird thing is that I haven't done anything different, I've just lost weight.
Because my diet hasn't really changed other than I eat more pizza at the moment, I can only conclude that the reason for my weight loss is the fact that I am no longer on my anti depressants.
If you didn't know this, I was on some fairly strong meds and as a result my body decided that it would be wise to pick up a fair amount of weight. It was rather irritating, particuarly because no matter what I did I couldn't lose much weight. Now that I'm off them I feel and look better.
I was talking to a wonderful man the other day, and he too has had some problems with depression. And this man said that he feels much better because he isn't on his meds anymore either. Not that the depressions is any better or worse, but he feels better because he now knows that when he feels shit it's because he feels shit. And if he feels good it's because he feels good. It's not because the meds are regulating his life, or doing anything weird to his body. It's because that's what he's feeling.
And I can identify with that feeling. Yesterday I woke up and felt awful. But I knew that while my feelings were unfounded they were my feelings. Not a chemical induced emotion, but my emotions. And that's surprisingly comforting irrespective of what you are feeling.
So yes, I've lost weight and I feel better about the fact that I look better. But I guess that's almost inconsequential next to the fact that the emotions I feel now are my own, and not because of all the chemicals I am / was pumping into my body to regulate something that no one could explain or fully understand.
I would like to use this opportunity to thank the aforementioned wonderful man for being such a great guy and I would like to thank my friends for being great people and encouraging me irrespective of what emotion I'm feeling.
I've been thinking about quite a few things, but for some reason the topic of love and romance has been rather high on my list of thoughts of late, probably due to the fact that quite a few of my friends have encountered love on some level recently.
Anyway, today isn't about that because I have quite a bit of thinking still to do before I can start formulating any sort of theorem on how all the different levels of love fit together, but today I've been thinking about how things in my life have changed of late.
I saw some pictures of myself on the good book today from about 2 months ago, and I looked like shit. Like, I really looked bad. And now I look pretty good I think. So, what's changed?
Well, I got a hair cut. It's not long anymore, and quite a few people think it's cool. I don't really know but I think it looks better. I've got some facial hair but I don't know how much of a difference that has made, but the really big difference is that I've lost a lot of weight. Like quite a few kgs. But the weird thing is that I haven't done anything different, I've just lost weight.
Because my diet hasn't really changed other than I eat more pizza at the moment, I can only conclude that the reason for my weight loss is the fact that I am no longer on my anti depressants.
If you didn't know this, I was on some fairly strong meds and as a result my body decided that it would be wise to pick up a fair amount of weight. It was rather irritating, particuarly because no matter what I did I couldn't lose much weight. Now that I'm off them I feel and look better.
I was talking to a wonderful man the other day, and he too has had some problems with depression. And this man said that he feels much better because he isn't on his meds anymore either. Not that the depressions is any better or worse, but he feels better because he now knows that when he feels shit it's because he feels shit. And if he feels good it's because he feels good. It's not because the meds are regulating his life, or doing anything weird to his body. It's because that's what he's feeling.
And I can identify with that feeling. Yesterday I woke up and felt awful. But I knew that while my feelings were unfounded they were my feelings. Not a chemical induced emotion, but my emotions. And that's surprisingly comforting irrespective of what you are feeling.
So yes, I've lost weight and I feel better about the fact that I look better. But I guess that's almost inconsequential next to the fact that the emotions I feel now are my own, and not because of all the chemicals I am / was pumping into my body to regulate something that no one could explain or fully understand.
I would like to use this opportunity to thank the aforementioned wonderful man for being such a great guy and I would like to thank my friends for being great people and encouraging me irrespective of what emotion I'm feeling.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Reasoning
It's not often that I feel this way, but at the moment I would love to say a few things that would not be in line with my principles. In fact I'd love to do a few things that are not in line with my principles too, but I'm more tempted to say than do things today.
Now, the question is then asked, is there something wrong with my principles or with my emotional state? I'm not sure there's a clear cut answer in this case. I have a belief system that dictates how I respond to various situations and for the most part I find that my emotions are in line with this system so when my emotions aren't in line is that a problem?
I don't think so. Just because you feel a specific way doesn't mean you should act on that feeling. So if you feel a specific way and you don't express that feeling are you failing to uphold your integrity? I'm not sure, but possibly.
For me, part of integrity is expressing my feelings and being real about the way I react to various situations. But I suppose expressing yourself correctly and accurately is extremely important, and it's the expression of an emotion that makes a difference.
So, at what stage is your integrity then compromised? I suppose when you start lying. Whether it be to yourself or others, honesty is key. But the truth is that for me I almost feel as if I'd rather compromise my integrity than hurt people. Is that really compromise anyway? If you know the truth and don't share it? I guess it depends on the circumstance and the individual, but I'm inclined to say yes.
That doesn't mean I should run around calling random people cunts, but it does mean that I should be honest with them where possible, and should do it with as much tact as possible. But I'm not entirely sure I should be volunteering this information. If I don't like someone I'd rather just avoid them / ignore them.
I don't really know. At the moment I'm a bit torn so I'll just bite my tongue for now. I'm not at the end of the road yet.
Now, the question is then asked, is there something wrong with my principles or with my emotional state? I'm not sure there's a clear cut answer in this case. I have a belief system that dictates how I respond to various situations and for the most part I find that my emotions are in line with this system so when my emotions aren't in line is that a problem?
I don't think so. Just because you feel a specific way doesn't mean you should act on that feeling. So if you feel a specific way and you don't express that feeling are you failing to uphold your integrity? I'm not sure, but possibly.
For me, part of integrity is expressing my feelings and being real about the way I react to various situations. But I suppose expressing yourself correctly and accurately is extremely important, and it's the expression of an emotion that makes a difference.
So, at what stage is your integrity then compromised? I suppose when you start lying. Whether it be to yourself or others, honesty is key. But the truth is that for me I almost feel as if I'd rather compromise my integrity than hurt people. Is that really compromise anyway? If you know the truth and don't share it? I guess it depends on the circumstance and the individual, but I'm inclined to say yes.
That doesn't mean I should run around calling random people cunts, but it does mean that I should be honest with them where possible, and should do it with as much tact as possible. But I'm not entirely sure I should be volunteering this information. If I don't like someone I'd rather just avoid them / ignore them.
I don't really know. At the moment I'm a bit torn so I'll just bite my tongue for now. I'm not at the end of the road yet.
A Quick Rant
So I've written two blogs today about cocks in the world, and I deleted both of them because they end up being rants that were not constructive in any way. I have decided that all I want to say is this: If you are one of the cunts in the world who has mastered the art of pretending to take responsibility for your actions while manipulating people into casting you as a victim, I hope you die in a fire. If you a person who lies about being a friend and then bails when life becomes real I hope you drown in the icy waters. That is all.
Anyway, no that I've had my say, we move onto a topic that I'm sure drives you all mad: Football. Chelsea are playing Barcelona for the second time in 8 days tonight and this time they are playing at Stamford Bridge. Last week, in Spain, Chelsea walked away with what I think was a reasonable result, namely a 0 - 0 draw. I would have preferred a 1 - 1 draw, but by not conceding things are looking good.
Guss Hiddink's squad choice last week did surprise me though. He played a 4-2-3-1 formation with Essien playing on the right wing and Mikel in the holding role. This clearly worked out, but there was very little happening when the team went forward.
I do, however, have an idea as to how they can win this game and it does involve sitting back quite a bit. You see, Barcelona are the best football team in the world at the moment and when they go forward and attack they truly are amazing. So, there is no point in fighting fire with fire. Chelsea need to do something similar to what they did last week, and stifle the opposition's movement. By cutting off the supply from Xabi the team are limited to passing sideways, which means the ball is only going to be fed to Iniesta, Messi or Alves.
So, if Chelsea can play with A Cole marking Messi, Bosingwa marking Henry, Terry marking Eto'o and Alex sweeping up, then the only worry will come from midfield. Now, if Essien can remove Iniesta from the game and Lampard can limit Xabi then Ballack can play in a holding role as well as release Anelka or Malouda for attacks.
You see, with Alves playing at right back, he tends to come extremely far forward. So if Malouda can time his runs well he can get behind Alves and play him out of position, thereby allowing Anelka and Drogba to move inside and create havock for their inexperienced center halves.
All the attacks are going to have to go down the wings for Chelsea simply because central midfield is just too congested, so it's lucky that Malouda and Anelka are both playing really well at the moment.
The only problem I can see is that when Chelsea go forward and attack they are going to open up quite a bit, so I suspect the full backs are going to have to come forward and protect midfield while Ballack will probably have to stay back and make sure that no long balls make it from the box to the forwards.
I suspect that this game will be either a 2 - 1 game or a 5 - 4 game. Personally I'd rather see a 2 - 1 game because it'd be tighter, but who knows. As long as Chelsea go through I'm happy...
Anyway, no that I've had my say, we move onto a topic that I'm sure drives you all mad: Football. Chelsea are playing Barcelona for the second time in 8 days tonight and this time they are playing at Stamford Bridge. Last week, in Spain, Chelsea walked away with what I think was a reasonable result, namely a 0 - 0 draw. I would have preferred a 1 - 1 draw, but by not conceding things are looking good.
Guss Hiddink's squad choice last week did surprise me though. He played a 4-2-3-1 formation with Essien playing on the right wing and Mikel in the holding role. This clearly worked out, but there was very little happening when the team went forward.
I do, however, have an idea as to how they can win this game and it does involve sitting back quite a bit. You see, Barcelona are the best football team in the world at the moment and when they go forward and attack they truly are amazing. So, there is no point in fighting fire with fire. Chelsea need to do something similar to what they did last week, and stifle the opposition's movement. By cutting off the supply from Xabi the team are limited to passing sideways, which means the ball is only going to be fed to Iniesta, Messi or Alves.
So, if Chelsea can play with A Cole marking Messi, Bosingwa marking Henry, Terry marking Eto'o and Alex sweeping up, then the only worry will come from midfield. Now, if Essien can remove Iniesta from the game and Lampard can limit Xabi then Ballack can play in a holding role as well as release Anelka or Malouda for attacks.
You see, with Alves playing at right back, he tends to come extremely far forward. So if Malouda can time his runs well he can get behind Alves and play him out of position, thereby allowing Anelka and Drogba to move inside and create havock for their inexperienced center halves.
All the attacks are going to have to go down the wings for Chelsea simply because central midfield is just too congested, so it's lucky that Malouda and Anelka are both playing really well at the moment.
The only problem I can see is that when Chelsea go forward and attack they are going to open up quite a bit, so I suspect the full backs are going to have to come forward and protect midfield while Ballack will probably have to stay back and make sure that no long balls make it from the box to the forwards.
I suspect that this game will be either a 2 - 1 game or a 5 - 4 game. Personally I'd rather see a 2 - 1 game because it'd be tighter, but who knows. As long as Chelsea go through I'm happy...
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Christianity vs The Bible Part 4
This is the final part in my blogs on Christianity and the Bible. Enjoy.
So, of the arguments that I've ever heard I don't believe any of them are relevant. So if there is no valid argument, in my opinion, against swearing is there an argument for swearing? For me, yes. In fact it's quite simple: integrity.
I believe that because Christians believe that they should be "showing the world who Christ is through their lives" they try to project an image of themselves as being perfect people who never falter in any way. But because I don't believe that's the message I should be communicating I don't try to show that to people. I believe that my life is worth more to people when it is shown for what it really is than what I wish it was or what I think it could or should be.
For that reason, when I get frustrated I don't try and show people what I think they should see, I show them what's really going on in my mind. And often that is "Fuck!" I believe that by showing people what's really going on I am not only living a life of integrity, but I am showing more respect toward them. And in my mind that translates to open dialogue, which is the beginning of communication, and that is one of the greatest ways of demonstrating love. Again, this is all my opinion.
The other thing is that any word has an assigned meaning, so if you assign the word "shit" a negative connotation, you will view it accordingly. But if you assign it a neutral connotation, people won't care. Words like cunt and fuck are really just strong words, in the same way that anguish and agony are strong words. So what makes the former unacceptable? I honestly don't know. But I guess that's why we need to spend time talking to people and finding out what people find offensive and what they don't. If someone finds the word "cunt" offensive I won't use it in front of them, but again, this is only evident after a relationship has been established and communication has been started.
Why not just not swear at all? Because I have to have a benchmark, and that benchmark is determined by what I find comfortable. And the truth is that I honestly don't mind talking about anything [literally anything] with anyone. I don't mind swearing, or drinking, or smoking so that's my benchmark. Perhaps I'm too liberal, and perhaps that will change but for now I'm happy with that. If you aren't contact me and we'll chat.
At the end of the day if you are applying Christ's principles to your life with integrity, and to the best of your ability no one can really complain.
Sunday, May 3, 2009
Christianity vs The Bible Part 3
Part 3 has arrived, so make sure you know what happened yesterday and then read away.
Another argument against swearing, smoking, drinking or just behaviour that people may classify as "ungodly" is that as Christians we should be showing the world Christ through our lives. Usually the verse which accompanies this argument is Romans 12:2 which states "Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world but be transformed by the renewing of your mind..."
I believe that this argument is half right, but only because it's based on half a verse. The rest of the verse says "...Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - his good, pleasing and perfect will."
This argument raises the question, should we be reflecting Christ at all? My answer to that question is: Yes, but not the way most people believe we should. Many Christians believe that we should become like Christ, and that means that we should become little Christs. Doing what he would do in every circumstance and the like. While I believe that is admirable, how much do we really know about Christ? And where do we draw the line? Do we now say that we need to listen to the same music Christ would? Does this mean that because Christ woke up early in the morning we should too?
For me the answer is an emphatic no. We should, however, be changing our belief system to match Christ's belief system. Based on this belief system we can then make decisions which we believe would match God's good, pleasing and perfect will. That doesn't mean that I should have to pray long and hard as to whether I should choose chicken or beef, but it does mean that I should read the Bible, and based on my adopted principles I should interpret Scripture with integrity, to the best of my ability.
Questions like "would Christ say fuck?" are about as relevant as saying "would Christ listen to speed metal?" because I don't believe we should be trying to recreate the man today, but rather trying to stand for the ideals he stood for.
There are a fair number of Christians who have a big problem with drinking too, but the Bible doesn't actually define drinking as a sin. It does however define it as unwise. And that is something I can wholeheartedly agree on. But why is it unwise? Well, the first thing that jumps to mind is the health factor. The truth is that alcohol is a poison and in large quantities your body doesn't agree.
So if the problem simply comes down to making a wise decision, why is drinking frowned upon, but drinking coffee isn't? The truth is that coffee is about as addictive and about as bad for you in large quantities. Does it really just come down to which one is more socially acceptable? Because if that is the case, then that's an awful argument. If you're prepared to eat McDonald's every day, why aren't you prepared to drink a beer or smoke a cigar.
I'm not saying that excessive drinking should be encouraged, but I am saying that it should come down to a person's choice rather than some random rule that you've decided is Biblical. Excessive drinking or smoking, just like eating McDonald's for every meal, should be seen as an unwise decision made by a person, and that's as far as it should go.
In rare cases I've encountered people who have a problem with Christians going to clubs. Now, the truth is that in one of these cases the man who told me I shouldn't be going to clubs also defined Satanism as having long hair, wearing black, drinking cat's blood and listening to heavy metal. For the most part, the people who draw these conclusions are so conservative they don't believe in different interpretations of the Bible. And in most cases I will hear their argument, and then disregard it without replying simply because they aren't actually open to hearing another view.
But for the record, both of the men who have told me that going to clubs is wrong have used Ephesians 5:1-5 as the basis for their argument. Now, if you remember the context of Ephesians, and you read the text you will quickly find that Paul was speaking to a group of people and encouraging them to ensure that the values and principles from the past were completely abandoned and changed to what Christ's are / were. He's not telling people to avoid sinful environments, but he is telling them to not mix up their past with their future.
Part 4 will be the last part, and will be up tomorrow. Remember, if you disagree or agree feel free to post your views and discuss away...
Saturday, May 2, 2009
Christianity vs The Bible Part 2
So, here's part 2. We're picking up where we left off so have a good 'un.
This also means that there is far more emphasis on individual relationships because decisions concerning faith should be made on a personal and individual level. Now, while this may be fantastic on the surface it does bring about some serious problems when it comes down to living this way, simply because every person will have a different interpretation of how to live out various principles, which in turn mandates all Christians to approach each other openly and honestly with the goal of not only sharing one's perspective, but also to hear and consider another's perspective.
Having said that, Christ's belief system isn't a license to go mad and do whatever the fuck we want. On the contrary, it requires a much higher standard be upheld when it comes to studying and understanding Scripture on account of the fact that there is no set way of living.
Ok, so we've established that, in my opinion, Christianity isn't a lifestyle which can be set or dictated by anything. Rather it is the belief and acceptance that Jesus was the Christ, and that the principles that governed His life are the principles that are required to be present in our lives in order for us to be called righteous.
So how does swearing, drinking, smoking or clubbing fit in to this outlook on my faith? And if it does fit in, why are people so upset about it? Well, if I'm completely honest I don't think that most people who complain about swearing or anything else on my list actually know why they believe it's wrong. In fact, I think they just complain because it doesn't match their outlook on what Christianity should be. But these people continue to complain, and pull out scriptures such as Ephesians 4:29 or Colossians 3:8.
Then they move onto Romans 12:2 and Matthew 12:36 and conclude with something like "I'll pray that the Holy Spirit convicts you." So why are all of these things wrong? And why, if they aren't right, am I right? Well, we'll start off my addressing the issues raised by the people who do object.
We'll start off with people who object to swearing. In my experience, most people find this to be quite offensive because it is easily noticeable so it is the first thing that people complain about. In most instances the two passages of scripture which are pulled out are Ephesians 4:29 or Colossians 3:8.
Now, Ephesians 4:29 says "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those that listen"
And Colossians 3:8 says "But now you must rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander and filthy language."
While at first glance these scriptures both seem to be supporting the no swearing view, we haven't set any sort of historical or theological background. So, before we interpret the above, let's find out what each book is actually about.
Ephesians was written by Paul, and was directed at pretty much all the churches on the west coast of Asia Minor. The Ephesians lived in Ephesus [big surprise] and their church was the largest in the area, hence the name. Now, the area was quite a popular spot for ships to stop off and resupply between Rome and the East, and as a result it had a fairly large variety of people. With this different variety of people came a wide variety of different religious beliefs. This naturally had a very large impact on how people who had lived in the area and had converted to Christianity applied the Bible.
Ephesians is a very general letter which is really just designed to get people to think about their newly gained faith, and how to apply it to their lives. Paul urges the reader to ensure that they have left their old lives behind and have removed all the impurities from their lives. Now I'm not sure how people draw the conclusion that the word "wholesome" means "don't swear" because it's clear that Paul is speaking about building people up, rather than breaking them down. In my mind, it makes more sense that Paul would be referring to breaking people down by calling them idiots than rather than telling people not to use potentially rude language. For me this verse really is irrelevant in the argument, but we'll use some other aspects from the book later.
The next book we encounter is Colossians. Now, the Colossians had lost the plot a bit because they had started teaching a false gospel. In this book Paul is basically trying to correct the Colossians by encouraging them to return to the simple truth of the gospel rather than complicating it.
Now, this verse seems to support the "No swearing" idea quite strongly if it weren't for the fact that this is completely out of context. In this passage Paul is speaking about how the Christians in Corinth spoke about each other. He wasn't saying that you may not have anger, he was saying that you shouldn't speak of each other with anger for one another. He wasn't saying that you may not use filthy language, he was saying that you shouldn't speak in a manner that will bring each other down. Basically he is reiterating what he had already said in Ephesians. In other translations, instead of saying filthy, you would read "offensive". In the context it makes a little more sense.
For me it is quite clear that when read with the full picture, these verses make much more sense, and are speaking of building one another up, rather than banning people from saying specific words.
Another thing that people try to throw in there is Matthew 12:36, or an equivalent, which states "But I tell you that men will have to give account on the day of judgement for every careless word they have spoken." At this stage people will try and argue that every word you speak will be brought up and used against you when we enter Heaven / eternal life and we should therefore consider our words carefully. In this case Christ is being quoted so out of context it raises the question, did this person actually read the text in its entirety? Because based on that reaction it's unlikely.
That's the end for today. Part 3 will be up tomorrow.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Christianity vs The Bible Part 1
For some reason I've recently encountered quite a few people who would classify themselves as Christians and have some rather firm objections to swearing, drinking and smoking. In some extreme circumstances they even object to Christians going to clubs, or being in places that they associate with 'sin' or something equally ridiculous like that.
Now, as I'm sure you all know I consider myself to be a Christian. I also happen to love a good debate. So, I thought it would be cool to explain my view on the above things in my blog, over the next few days.
Before I start, I would like to make it clear that I am open to being wrong about any of the following, and this is just my opinion on the matter. The other thing to bear in mind is the fact that much of what I will elude to is part of my theology as a whole, so I can't explain everything. If I were to try and explain my theology as a whole, I would be writing a volume of books rather than a few pages.
Right, so people often hear me, or my friends who are also Christians swearing and can't understand why we swear, or how we can match our lifestyles with the fact that we are Christians.
These people will usually argue one or more of the following things: swearing, drinking, smoking or clubbing isn't what Christ would have done, and we need to show the world who Christ is; swearing, drinking, smoking or clubbing is a sin and we shouldn't be sinning for obvious reasons; Christians should be removed from the world, therefore we should remove ourselves by not partaking in 'worldly' activities such as smoking, clubbing etc.
Now, before I start let me say that many people have an idea of what Christianity is in their heads, meaning they have defined Christianity by a lifestyle and if your lifestyle isn't almost exactly the same you are wayward and are no longer glorifying God. This, in my opinion, is false.
John 20: 30 - 31 says "Jesus did many other miraculous signs in the presence of his disciples, which are not recorded in this book. But these are written so that you may believe that Jesus is Christ, the Son of God, and that by believing you may have life in his name."
Romans 6:15 to 8:17 speaks of how we die when the law comes into our lives, but as we believe in Christ we surpass the law of old and cling to a new set of beliefs, or principles, which can be found in Christ's life. Christianity is in my opinion a belief system which consists of principles that govern our lives. By living a life of integrity our behaviour will adhere to these principles.
Now, in saying this I believe that I am abolishing almost all set laws for living life, with these laws being substituted for a life governed by principles, and in doing so Christianity becomes something which is accessible to any culture, rather than creating a set of laws and requiring conversion to a culture the way that the old law, or Judaism, did.
That's the end of Part 1, check back tomorrow for Part 2.
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Interlocking Sleeves
At the moment I'm working on a longer blog entry which will explain my view on how Christianity and swearing, smoking and drinking fit together. I'm sure you'll all find this rather interesting, but for now you'll have to be satisfied with today's blog.
So, what is today's blog about? Well, today's blog is more about subtle messages than anything else really. I'm sure you all know that I am, and have for a few years now been seeing a psychologist every week or two. What you may not know is that when I was younger I was one of the most emotionally tender children you would have ever met, and to some extent that part of me is still alive and well.
You see, when I feel emotion I don't really feel it, I experience it. It engulfs me on a level I can't really explain. I literally experience pain when I feel emotion. And I think that as I child found this experience overwhelming and learned to shut it out at a fairly early stage.
Because of this, I think that I've become someone who thinks more than is healthy and avoids emotion. When I do experience emotion it cuts me, leaving scars which serve as a reminder as to why I don't venture into this territory. Instead, I try to understand emotion by rationalising it on a level it's not designed to operate on.
Because of this emotional hypersensitivity I don't engage emotionally with my mom or Cate. It's just too painful. I'm not sure if either of them have ever understood me but I know that I don't understand their actions, or the way they have dealt with the situation that they have been presented with. Their decisions have been their own, but not without consequences. And one of those consequences is my inability to ever connect with them ever again. I love my mom, and Cate is a good person, but I will never be able to do any more than converse with them ever again.
Because of this barrier, I have lost my family. But, in the words of Chris Martin, everything's not lost. I have gained a group of people with whom I feel completely comfortable. I don't feel as if I should be doing something special, I just need to be myself. These people are my friends, and they are the best group of people I've ever encountered. I would do anything for my friends, and I believe they feel the same way about me.
Now I'm sure that this all sounds overly dramatic, but it's the way I feel. If you disagree, it's my blog so fuck off. All I can say is that when my friends cry, so do I. And tonight I feel like crying, so I wanted to tell them what they mean to me.
So, what is today's blog about? Well, today's blog is more about subtle messages than anything else really. I'm sure you all know that I am, and have for a few years now been seeing a psychologist every week or two. What you may not know is that when I was younger I was one of the most emotionally tender children you would have ever met, and to some extent that part of me is still alive and well.
You see, when I feel emotion I don't really feel it, I experience it. It engulfs me on a level I can't really explain. I literally experience pain when I feel emotion. And I think that as I child found this experience overwhelming and learned to shut it out at a fairly early stage.
Because of this, I think that I've become someone who thinks more than is healthy and avoids emotion. When I do experience emotion it cuts me, leaving scars which serve as a reminder as to why I don't venture into this territory. Instead, I try to understand emotion by rationalising it on a level it's not designed to operate on.
Because of this emotional hypersensitivity I don't engage emotionally with my mom or Cate. It's just too painful. I'm not sure if either of them have ever understood me but I know that I don't understand their actions, or the way they have dealt with the situation that they have been presented with. Their decisions have been their own, but not without consequences. And one of those consequences is my inability to ever connect with them ever again. I love my mom, and Cate is a good person, but I will never be able to do any more than converse with them ever again.
Because of this barrier, I have lost my family. But, in the words of Chris Martin, everything's not lost. I have gained a group of people with whom I feel completely comfortable. I don't feel as if I should be doing something special, I just need to be myself. These people are my friends, and they are the best group of people I've ever encountered. I would do anything for my friends, and I believe they feel the same way about me.
Now I'm sure that this all sounds overly dramatic, but it's the way I feel. If you disagree, it's my blog so fuck off. All I can say is that when my friends cry, so do I. And tonight I feel like crying, so I wanted to tell them what they mean to me.
Saturday, April 25, 2009
The Blue Note
Now, this week I didn't have a New Adventures blog simply because I hadn't blogged in about 3 weeks, and it would have been far too long for a single sitting, and I can't remember everything that happened. So, from next week there will be New Adventures on a Thursday, as usual. But this week I'm just going to tell a funny story or two, and give you a general idea of what's happening.
On Thursday I went with Pierre, Justin and Gareth to Gareth's university for a few reasons. First was to meet Gareth's potential lady friend, second was to have a good time and third was because I had no reason not to.
Anyway, while we were there we met up with a friend of the Jizzer's, and subsequently a friend of ours, Melissa. We decided to grab some lunch together because we [actually Gareth] had a free period and coffee time had arrived again. I gave Jan a call and let him know where we were, and he pulled through for a chat.
We were talking and having a laugh when I got up to throw a tin away. Now for those of you who don't know, at the university they have bins for different materials, each one with a different colour lid. So, the green one is for 'Other', the blue one is for 'Paper', the yellow one is for 'Plastic' and the red one is for 'Tin'.
So, I throw the tin away, and then want to throw the straw away, but at the time I didn't know which bin was the correct one [I hadn't read the lids yet]. I asked before walking across to find the appropriate bin. When I returned I said "I put it in the yellow one... That's what she said."
We all had a good lol, and then Jan says "Necrophelia - I put it in the blue one." Everyone stared blankly before packing out in laughter. I teared up a little I was laughing so much.
Later I regaled Matt with the story, to which he replied "I would have died of laughter. And then Jan would have fucked me." That was a classic rofl moment.
Anyway, the rest of the day was reasonably good too, so great. Today is Kelly's 21st party, and the truth is that I'm rather nervous because I still haven't managed to swap my Butler's shift out. Well that's not entirely true because I originally thought the party was on Friday, so I did swap my shift out. But it turned out it was on Saturday, and I now am supposed to work. I really don't want too though, because it means I'll only finish at like 22h30, if not later.
I phoned the manager, Marcell yesterday, and asked him if he could try and organise something for me. He's going to try, but I suspect that I'll end up working. If I do, I'm going to inform them that I will be leaving early. So, no qualms. Well, hopefully anyway.
This has been a completely meaningless blog, but I hope you laughed at the story. Jan truly is a wonderful man.
On Thursday I went with Pierre, Justin and Gareth to Gareth's university for a few reasons. First was to meet Gareth's potential lady friend, second was to have a good time and third was because I had no reason not to.
Anyway, while we were there we met up with a friend of the Jizzer's, and subsequently a friend of ours, Melissa. We decided to grab some lunch together because we [actually Gareth] had a free period and coffee time had arrived again. I gave Jan a call and let him know where we were, and he pulled through for a chat.
We were talking and having a laugh when I got up to throw a tin away. Now for those of you who don't know, at the university they have bins for different materials, each one with a different colour lid. So, the green one is for 'Other', the blue one is for 'Paper', the yellow one is for 'Plastic' and the red one is for 'Tin'.
So, I throw the tin away, and then want to throw the straw away, but at the time I didn't know which bin was the correct one [I hadn't read the lids yet]. I asked before walking across to find the appropriate bin. When I returned I said "I put it in the yellow one... That's what she said."
We all had a good lol, and then Jan says "Necrophelia - I put it in the blue one." Everyone stared blankly before packing out in laughter. I teared up a little I was laughing so much.
Later I regaled Matt with the story, to which he replied "I would have died of laughter. And then Jan would have fucked me." That was a classic rofl moment.
Anyway, the rest of the day was reasonably good too, so great. Today is Kelly's 21st party, and the truth is that I'm rather nervous because I still haven't managed to swap my Butler's shift out. Well that's not entirely true because I originally thought the party was on Friday, so I did swap my shift out. But it turned out it was on Saturday, and I now am supposed to work. I really don't want too though, because it means I'll only finish at like 22h30, if not later.
I phoned the manager, Marcell yesterday, and asked him if he could try and organise something for me. He's going to try, but I suspect that I'll end up working. If I do, I'm going to inform them that I will be leaving early. So, no qualms. Well, hopefully anyway.
This has been a completely meaningless blog, but I hope you laughed at the story. Jan truly is a wonderful man.
Monday, April 20, 2009
Hearing My Brain
I'm not sound of mind. On some sort of fundamental level, deep under the conscious thought patterns I've structured, something is brewing. It never stops. It never goes away. It just bubbles away: formulating, conjuring, processing and taunting.
I often catch myself sitting alone, in deep thought, rocking myself as if somehow swaying to and fro will stabilise the cauldron that is my subconscious. I've read research that indicates that this motion is employed when the mind is trying to find security. I suspect this may be true.
There are days when the cauldron bubbles over a bit, and I am overrun with feelings of exasperation and anguish. There are days when the cauldron overflows and my thoughts become violently scattered, emotion is numbed and the world looks darker.
But the days to be feared are the days when the cauldron is rocked off its legs. On those days the mind becomes a black hole of death and violence. The world falls out of view and reason is submerged in agony.
We have a society that loves to cover these things up. People don't talk about their problems, they smile and shake hands. They meet the social requirements so they can lie to people because they know what they would do to someone who admitted they felt the way they do. But who's truly sicker? The man who stands up and says "I'm depressed" or the man who goes home and masturbates to child porn?
There's a Dream Theater song entitled Repentance, and at the end of the song John Petrucci makes a wonderful observation. A man says "You're only as sick as your secrets, but the truth shall set you free", to which John responds "The truth is the truth, all you can do is live with it"
I don't know if it's because my mind processes things on a different level, but I do believe my demons are different to the average person's. I don't believe it's normal to rock yourself to security when you are alone in thought. I don't believe it's normal to feel truly exasperated by morals, or social norms, or humanity itself.
But as long as I notice myself rocking, I believe I'm a lot more sound of mind than most of the people I meet. I don't believe I'll ever stop rocking when I'm alone. Over the last seven years it's become a security in itself, a sign of sanity. It's not going away, it's part of my truth. All I can do is live with it.
Now, I didn't write this blog to let you all know how far down the rabbit hole I may be, I wrote it to provoke a question: What is your truth that you have to live with?
I often catch myself sitting alone, in deep thought, rocking myself as if somehow swaying to and fro will stabilise the cauldron that is my subconscious. I've read research that indicates that this motion is employed when the mind is trying to find security. I suspect this may be true.
There are days when the cauldron bubbles over a bit, and I am overrun with feelings of exasperation and anguish. There are days when the cauldron overflows and my thoughts become violently scattered, emotion is numbed and the world looks darker.
But the days to be feared are the days when the cauldron is rocked off its legs. On those days the mind becomes a black hole of death and violence. The world falls out of view and reason is submerged in agony.
We have a society that loves to cover these things up. People don't talk about their problems, they smile and shake hands. They meet the social requirements so they can lie to people because they know what they would do to someone who admitted they felt the way they do. But who's truly sicker? The man who stands up and says "I'm depressed" or the man who goes home and masturbates to child porn?
There's a Dream Theater song entitled Repentance, and at the end of the song John Petrucci makes a wonderful observation. A man says "You're only as sick as your secrets, but the truth shall set you free", to which John responds "The truth is the truth, all you can do is live with it"
I don't know if it's because my mind processes things on a different level, but I do believe my demons are different to the average person's. I don't believe it's normal to rock yourself to security when you are alone in thought. I don't believe it's normal to feel truly exasperated by morals, or social norms, or humanity itself.
But as long as I notice myself rocking, I believe I'm a lot more sound of mind than most of the people I meet. I don't believe I'll ever stop rocking when I'm alone. Over the last seven years it's become a security in itself, a sign of sanity. It's not going away, it's part of my truth. All I can do is live with it.
Now, I didn't write this blog to let you all know how far down the rabbit hole I may be, I wrote it to provoke a question: What is your truth that you have to live with?
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Core Beliefs
Today's blog is about a saga that's been going on in my life since the Easter weekend. I put some lyrics up in my status on Facebook and got a reply from someone who clearly didn't agree with what the lyrics had said. The way he came across was rather rude so I decided to attempt to engage with this man in a more private conversation, namely email.
I started off by explaining how I interpreted the lyrics, and then finding out what he believed the problem was. His reply to this was rather confusing, and it was at this stage that I started thinking that his definition of core Christian beliefs may be different to mine.
His reply confirmed the fore mentioned suspicion when he stated that he believes all sinful nature is gone based on Christ's sacrifice. This is not what I believe, and it's not what I believe the Bible teaches.
At this stage this man also stated the following: "i myself am immune to sickness, poverty, failure , etc simply bcoz i know what the bible says. e.g 'greater is he who is in you, than he who is in the world' "
Now, at this I became rather enraged because I don't believe that anything in the Bible teaches anything like this. In my head I said "Mother fucker, this is the prosperity gospel." I did a fair amount of research and thinking before replying and asking him to read Romans 5 - 8:17, and quoted Romans 7:21 - 25 which states:
"So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God - through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God's law, but in the sinful nature a slave to the law of sin."
His response claimed that the passage spoke about awareness, and that if you are aware of sinful nature being gone, it is. I don't remember anything in the passage even slightly hinting at any sort of awareness leading to a desired outcome. At this stage I felt that he was not even reading or considering what I had to say and tried to call a truce.
It didn't work. He responded with something he tried to sell as an argument, but was actually just a list of almost true statements. Things like "we are made in Christ's image." and obscure verses from Psalms.
I read everything he stated in depth and after calming down I responded by addressing everything he had said in a Biblical context before saying that as long as he believed that he was doing what was right, I didn't mind. I did however, urge him to reassess his beliefs from a theological, historical and literary critic's perspective, to which he replied with some more almost-truths before telling me that no context was needed.
Then he accused me of being a Christian who was too 'young' to understand righteousness, and quoted Hebrews 5:11 - 14. I don't believe he knows what that passage is actually speaking about, but anyway.
I sent a firm message back saying that I believed that what he had said made sense if you read all the random versus he'd pulled out as blank statements, and not part of a larger work; so if you read them out of context. I also said that his raping of the Bible enraged me and I'd prefer if we stopped debating because I don't believe he's hearing me out and we're doing more harm than good.
This man's final response said that he felt sorry for me because I didn't know God and that "your knowledge will take you nowhere, ur "context" will bring you nothing.. if you read what i told you to, then you will know that what i am saying is truth."
Now, the fact that we disagree didn't anger me. The fact that he wouldn't consider what I had to say irritated me, but the fact that he continues to destroy the Bible makes me immensely angry.
I just don't understand how he can choose to disregard context. If I were to read a James Bond book without any context I would have the most distorted view of the cold war, humans and technology, but when I understand that it is a fictional book I suddenly realise it's not supposed to be an accurate reflection of humanity or a period of time.
The same principle applies to the Bible. Without a clear picture of who the writer was, when it was written, and what the overall picture is we can't begin to understand what a single verse may be trying to say.
So, the reason I've put this up is to find out what you think. Was I being unreasonable? Am I being overly strung up? Or am I completely right? What are your views?
I started off by explaining how I interpreted the lyrics, and then finding out what he believed the problem was. His reply to this was rather confusing, and it was at this stage that I started thinking that his definition of core Christian beliefs may be different to mine.
His reply confirmed the fore mentioned suspicion when he stated that he believes all sinful nature is gone based on Christ's sacrifice. This is not what I believe, and it's not what I believe the Bible teaches.
At this stage this man also stated the following: "i myself am immune to sickness, poverty, failure , etc simply bcoz i know what the bible says. e.g 'greater is he who is in you, than he who is in the world' "
Now, at this I became rather enraged because I don't believe that anything in the Bible teaches anything like this. In my head I said "Mother fucker, this is the prosperity gospel." I did a fair amount of research and thinking before replying and asking him to read Romans 5 - 8:17, and quoted Romans 7:21 - 25 which states:
"So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God - through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God's law, but in the sinful nature a slave to the law of sin."
His response claimed that the passage spoke about awareness, and that if you are aware of sinful nature being gone, it is. I don't remember anything in the passage even slightly hinting at any sort of awareness leading to a desired outcome. At this stage I felt that he was not even reading or considering what I had to say and tried to call a truce.
It didn't work. He responded with something he tried to sell as an argument, but was actually just a list of almost true statements. Things like "we are made in Christ's image." and obscure verses from Psalms.
I read everything he stated in depth and after calming down I responded by addressing everything he had said in a Biblical context before saying that as long as he believed that he was doing what was right, I didn't mind. I did however, urge him to reassess his beliefs from a theological, historical and literary critic's perspective, to which he replied with some more almost-truths before telling me that no context was needed.
Then he accused me of being a Christian who was too 'young' to understand righteousness, and quoted Hebrews 5:11 - 14. I don't believe he knows what that passage is actually speaking about, but anyway.
I sent a firm message back saying that I believed that what he had said made sense if you read all the random versus he'd pulled out as blank statements, and not part of a larger work; so if you read them out of context. I also said that his raping of the Bible enraged me and I'd prefer if we stopped debating because I don't believe he's hearing me out and we're doing more harm than good.
This man's final response said that he felt sorry for me because I didn't know God and that "your knowledge will take you nowhere, ur "context" will bring you nothing.. if you read what i told you to, then you will know that what i am saying is truth."
Now, the fact that we disagree didn't anger me. The fact that he wouldn't consider what I had to say irritated me, but the fact that he continues to destroy the Bible makes me immensely angry.
I just don't understand how he can choose to disregard context. If I were to read a James Bond book without any context I would have the most distorted view of the cold war, humans and technology, but when I understand that it is a fictional book I suddenly realise it's not supposed to be an accurate reflection of humanity or a period of time.
The same principle applies to the Bible. Without a clear picture of who the writer was, when it was written, and what the overall picture is we can't begin to understand what a single verse may be trying to say.
So, the reason I've put this up is to find out what you think. Was I being unreasonable? Am I being overly strung up? Or am I completely right? What are your views?
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Shorthand Messages
Well, hello all once again. It's been about 2 weeks since I last blogged, and the truth is that I've missed it. I haven't blogged for a few reasons, mostly because I've haven't had much to say, but I really want to carry on writing, so I'll continue to blog 5 - 7 times a week, and you can let me know if it's become a load of shit.
A fair amount has happened since I last blogged: I've met some wonderful people, and made a few good friends, I ran into the ocean mostly naked in front of a large number of strangers to save a friend [which later turned out to be less heroic than I'd hoped because he didn't need as much saving as I'd been led to believe], I've become a pizza delivery boy until I go to Joburg in June, I've gotten some great new music and I've encountered some people that have angered me immensely.
Now, I shall blog on a few of the above incidents, but today's blog revolves around a man who astounded me more than angered me, but by doing so has given me some food for thought.
Before we think about what he said, let's consider something that is related. Do you ever think about what you wear? Do you ever get up in the morning, and wear specific clothes so as to 'say' something? When you buy your clothes do you consider the message it will send to people you encounter?
I know I do. You may not consider it on a conscious level, but the truth is that these things are processed by our brains, and we send the same message or reiterate that message, by our body language every minute of every day.
Example, I am a fan of metal and hardcore and I like to think that I send that message by the clothes I wear. If you've never met me, I wear mostly black. So, I like wearing black t shirts and shirts, black jerseys, black shoes and occasionally black blazers [I like blazers, but for the most part the climate doesn't agree]. I usually wear dark blue jeans, just to make the different textures noticeable [yes I've thought of the different textures]. I also have long hair.
Now, I may have thought this through more than most people but the same is true for everyone, just to varying degrees. So, the question is, should this principle be carried through to other aspects of our lives?
Recently a few of my friends attended a charismatic church, and the preacher used the story of Moses and the burning bush to justify his idea that all churches should have big sound, bright lights and the like because we need to "sell the gospel" effectively. Now, this made me rather upset because besides the fact that you can't in any way extrapolate that from Exodus 3, I've never read anything in the Bible that tells we need to "sell the gospel".
But the truth is that, while he may have been taking that to the next level, we do send a message to people and if we're hoping that people are going to accept Jesus we should be intentional about the message we send. That doesn't mean we need big lights and pyrotechnics, but maybe just keeping the seats clean would help.
So, was what he had to say worthy of the reaction it provoked from me? Well, what he had to say contained an element of truth, but by trying to make Exodus 3 fit into it, well that's what truly upset me.
You see, I believe that most of what people say contains some amount of truth, irrespective of how small. There is usually some truth to be found. It's why I almost never disregard what anyone has to say. There are of course times when what people have to say is just a big load of shit, but even then if we can dig through our own perceptions and judgement, there's something we can learn.
I know this is a weak blog, but it's just a short one this time. There will be some better ones in the coming days, I hope.
A fair amount has happened since I last blogged: I've met some wonderful people, and made a few good friends, I ran into the ocean mostly naked in front of a large number of strangers to save a friend [which later turned out to be less heroic than I'd hoped because he didn't need as much saving as I'd been led to believe], I've become a pizza delivery boy until I go to Joburg in June, I've gotten some great new music and I've encountered some people that have angered me immensely.
Now, I shall blog on a few of the above incidents, but today's blog revolves around a man who astounded me more than angered me, but by doing so has given me some food for thought.
Before we think about what he said, let's consider something that is related. Do you ever think about what you wear? Do you ever get up in the morning, and wear specific clothes so as to 'say' something? When you buy your clothes do you consider the message it will send to people you encounter?
I know I do. You may not consider it on a conscious level, but the truth is that these things are processed by our brains, and we send the same message or reiterate that message, by our body language every minute of every day.
Example, I am a fan of metal and hardcore and I like to think that I send that message by the clothes I wear. If you've never met me, I wear mostly black. So, I like wearing black t shirts and shirts, black jerseys, black shoes and occasionally black blazers [I like blazers, but for the most part the climate doesn't agree]. I usually wear dark blue jeans, just to make the different textures noticeable [yes I've thought of the different textures]. I also have long hair.
Now, I may have thought this through more than most people but the same is true for everyone, just to varying degrees. So, the question is, should this principle be carried through to other aspects of our lives?
Recently a few of my friends attended a charismatic church, and the preacher used the story of Moses and the burning bush to justify his idea that all churches should have big sound, bright lights and the like because we need to "sell the gospel" effectively. Now, this made me rather upset because besides the fact that you can't in any way extrapolate that from Exodus 3, I've never read anything in the Bible that tells we need to "sell the gospel".
But the truth is that, while he may have been taking that to the next level, we do send a message to people and if we're hoping that people are going to accept Jesus we should be intentional about the message we send. That doesn't mean we need big lights and pyrotechnics, but maybe just keeping the seats clean would help.
So, was what he had to say worthy of the reaction it provoked from me? Well, what he had to say contained an element of truth, but by trying to make Exodus 3 fit into it, well that's what truly upset me.
You see, I believe that most of what people say contains some amount of truth, irrespective of how small. There is usually some truth to be found. It's why I almost never disregard what anyone has to say. There are of course times when what people have to say is just a big load of shit, but even then if we can dig through our own perceptions and judgement, there's something we can learn.
I know this is a weak blog, but it's just a short one this time. There will be some better ones in the coming days, I hope.
Monday, March 30, 2009
Work
Right, so I haven't blogged for a while and the truth is that I've had very little to say that I can fit into one to two pages. This is all about to change because I now have a problem / dilemma.
Here's the deal, I have a job and it's starting in June. Until then I have pretty much nothing to do, and as a result pretty much no money. Now, Donovan got a job delivering pizzas recently, and through this so did Gareth. Now, I have the opportunity to do the same, but I don't know if I want to do it.
The reasons I am not sure are very simple and pretty stupid actually. First, I have a fantastic friend, Justin's birthday on Saturday and if I start working then I will need to work on Saturday night. Now the party will be in Betty's Bay which is quite a way away so to work until 23h00 and then drive through isn't really an option. So, I'm thinking either I tell them that I can't work and that's that or I just start working from next week.
The second thing is that I feel pretty shit working for them for literally 8 weeks and the quitting. It doesn't seem right to me, but perhaps I should just go for it.
Anyway, I'm going to be earning great cash working as an ATC from June, so bargain either way. At this stage I just have to decide if I want some cash now, which I do, but how badly? I think I should just do it and get over myself. It's not that big a problem, but who knows? Life...
Here's the deal, I have a job and it's starting in June. Until then I have pretty much nothing to do, and as a result pretty much no money. Now, Donovan got a job delivering pizzas recently, and through this so did Gareth. Now, I have the opportunity to do the same, but I don't know if I want to do it.
The reasons I am not sure are very simple and pretty stupid actually. First, I have a fantastic friend, Justin's birthday on Saturday and if I start working then I will need to work on Saturday night. Now the party will be in Betty's Bay which is quite a way away so to work until 23h00 and then drive through isn't really an option. So, I'm thinking either I tell them that I can't work and that's that or I just start working from next week.
The second thing is that I feel pretty shit working for them for literally 8 weeks and the quitting. It doesn't seem right to me, but perhaps I should just go for it.
Anyway, I'm going to be earning great cash working as an ATC from June, so bargain either way. At this stage I just have to decide if I want some cash now, which I do, but how badly? I think I should just do it and get over myself. It's not that big a problem, but who knows? Life...
Thursday, March 26, 2009
New Adventures 19th - 26th
Friday
Friday afternoon Pierre came over and we had some coffee before going through to buy some drinks for a party we were going to have that evening. After picking it all up we played some FIFA while having a hub. It was a good game, mostly because I won but also because it was a fantastic hub, so good one Pierre.
We arrived at Daddy Long Legs in Long Street as the gig was starting, and I got to see an old friend for the first time in a while. Hugh is a truly wonderful man who loves Star Wars more than anyone else I know, which I think is fantastic.
Unfortunately Hugh had to leave a few minutes later on account of the fact that he too was performing a gig that evening. So, I went outside where I found Pierre and Gareth chatting to some random engaged women. I can't remember her name but I do remember that she was engaged, and had only gotten engaged on Tuesday. Her 'to be husband's' name is Kenny and he is an Engineer in America. Very random conversations, but good fun nonetheless.
We also met a Polish man who's family had come over to South Africa during World War 2. His father played the trombone, and he was a system analyst. He was really nice, but I have no idea how to spell his name.
Shortly after making friends with random people, and seeing Shelly again, the Jizzer arrived from a trip to the beach. He was not as happy as he had wished he would have been so we decided to leave and get some dinner.
After stopping off at Steers, we headed back to Pierre's flat. He and I had decided to have a good time that evening and I had arranged to sleep over, which wasn't part of the fore mentioned good time.
After a few really tight games of FIFA, Matt and Tessa arrived and we had some interesting conversations. At about 22h30 or so Gareth and Justin decided to leave and we had another hub. I think it was around this time that we realised that Tessa was fairly drunk and Pierre and I were mostly ok. It was pretty funny actually...
After Matt coerced Tessa into leaving we spent about an hour trying to get Pierre's Toneport to work before watching a movie and later I watched some football.
I slept on the couch until about 09h00 when Mavis, Pierre's domestic worker, arrived. I realised that I was going to be in this poor woman's way so I went to Pierre's room and climbed into the bed. I saw that he wasn't wearing a shirt, and I could see his feet and shins. I didn't know if he was wearing pants, but I was too tired to care. I just got in and went to sleep.
Saturday
After some good coffee Pierre and I went through to my house and had some lunch with the family. My gran, being the mental she is, provided Pierre with some comic relief, and the rest of us with a reason for our pre-existing insanity.
From there we did the rounds picking everyone up before heading out to visit Candice Lotter, all the way in Paarl.
I don't know why but the drive there always seems much longer that the drive back, but it was fairly bearable so no qualms. We got there first, and after meeting all the relevant parties [namely Candice's parents] we went outside and sat on some blankets.
Shortly after we arrived some more people came and introduced themselves, and amongst this group of people was a true gem. A wonderful man named Riaan. He and his girlfriend couldn't be more opposite, based on what I've seen, but they are both fairly friendly people who strike me as being honest.
Riaan gave us some new music, so I immediately loved him. He played paintball so Matthew immediately loved him and he studied Theology so Justin immediately loved him. All in all, a wonderful man.
After some fantastic chats with Riaan, he and a large group of people left quite early and we continued to chat to Val, Mandy and Candice. Matthew regaled us with some amusing stories before we eventually left sometime after midnight I think.
A good evening, or I thought so anyway. I think everyone enjoyed.
Monday
Monday evening Pierre, Justin and I went through for Mercury Monday, and while it wasn't our best evening there ever we did get to see Failing Forward and the 'good spell' of music was longer than normal.
If we're honest Failing Forward were quite a fail. Not only were their riffs sloppy, but pretty much the entire band was out of time and the vocals were not very good. They had fantastic gear though, so good times there.
After some good headbanging we decided to call it a night and ended up leaving at about 01h00 which was an early evening for us.
Tuesday
Tuesday was a good day. Well, actually Tuesday evening was a good evening. I saw a fantastic film entitled "Watchmen". Probably one of the best films I've ever seen. So great, I'll talk about it later.
Wednesday
I had family from Joburg around so I couldn't go to Bible Study, but I did go through to the Oxford Arms where I met up with Val and Candice which was good. After debating prices of prostitutes we had a few drinks with Donovan, Riaan, Alex and Charlie before leaving at about midnight again. Good times.
Friday afternoon Pierre came over and we had some coffee before going through to buy some drinks for a party we were going to have that evening. After picking it all up we played some FIFA while having a hub. It was a good game, mostly because I won but also because it was a fantastic hub, so good one Pierre.
We arrived at Daddy Long Legs in Long Street as the gig was starting, and I got to see an old friend for the first time in a while. Hugh is a truly wonderful man who loves Star Wars more than anyone else I know, which I think is fantastic.
Unfortunately Hugh had to leave a few minutes later on account of the fact that he too was performing a gig that evening. So, I went outside where I found Pierre and Gareth chatting to some random engaged women. I can't remember her name but I do remember that she was engaged, and had only gotten engaged on Tuesday. Her 'to be husband's' name is Kenny and he is an Engineer in America. Very random conversations, but good fun nonetheless.
We also met a Polish man who's family had come over to South Africa during World War 2. His father played the trombone, and he was a system analyst. He was really nice, but I have no idea how to spell his name.
Shortly after making friends with random people, and seeing Shelly again, the Jizzer arrived from a trip to the beach. He was not as happy as he had wished he would have been so we decided to leave and get some dinner.
After stopping off at Steers, we headed back to Pierre's flat. He and I had decided to have a good time that evening and I had arranged to sleep over, which wasn't part of the fore mentioned good time.
After a few really tight games of FIFA, Matt and Tessa arrived and we had some interesting conversations. At about 22h30 or so Gareth and Justin decided to leave and we had another hub. I think it was around this time that we realised that Tessa was fairly drunk and Pierre and I were mostly ok. It was pretty funny actually...
After Matt coerced Tessa into leaving we spent about an hour trying to get Pierre's Toneport to work before watching a movie and later I watched some football.
I slept on the couch until about 09h00 when Mavis, Pierre's domestic worker, arrived. I realised that I was going to be in this poor woman's way so I went to Pierre's room and climbed into the bed. I saw that he wasn't wearing a shirt, and I could see his feet and shins. I didn't know if he was wearing pants, but I was too tired to care. I just got in and went to sleep.
Saturday
After some good coffee Pierre and I went through to my house and had some lunch with the family. My gran, being the mental she is, provided Pierre with some comic relief, and the rest of us with a reason for our pre-existing insanity.
From there we did the rounds picking everyone up before heading out to visit Candice Lotter, all the way in Paarl.
I don't know why but the drive there always seems much longer that the drive back, but it was fairly bearable so no qualms. We got there first, and after meeting all the relevant parties [namely Candice's parents] we went outside and sat on some blankets.
Shortly after we arrived some more people came and introduced themselves, and amongst this group of people was a true gem. A wonderful man named Riaan. He and his girlfriend couldn't be more opposite, based on what I've seen, but they are both fairly friendly people who strike me as being honest.
Riaan gave us some new music, so I immediately loved him. He played paintball so Matthew immediately loved him and he studied Theology so Justin immediately loved him. All in all, a wonderful man.
After some fantastic chats with Riaan, he and a large group of people left quite early and we continued to chat to Val, Mandy and Candice. Matthew regaled us with some amusing stories before we eventually left sometime after midnight I think.
A good evening, or I thought so anyway. I think everyone enjoyed.
Monday
Monday evening Pierre, Justin and I went through for Mercury Monday, and while it wasn't our best evening there ever we did get to see Failing Forward and the 'good spell' of music was longer than normal.
If we're honest Failing Forward were quite a fail. Not only were their riffs sloppy, but pretty much the entire band was out of time and the vocals were not very good. They had fantastic gear though, so good times there.
After some good headbanging we decided to call it a night and ended up leaving at about 01h00 which was an early evening for us.
Tuesday
Tuesday was a good day. Well, actually Tuesday evening was a good evening. I saw a fantastic film entitled "Watchmen". Probably one of the best films I've ever seen. So great, I'll talk about it later.
Wednesday
I had family from Joburg around so I couldn't go to Bible Study, but I did go through to the Oxford Arms where I met up with Val and Candice which was good. After debating prices of prostitutes we had a few drinks with Donovan, Riaan, Alex and Charlie before leaving at about midnight again. Good times.
Monday, March 23, 2009
Bleak
I've had a weird day. Today I feel overwhelmed. Nothing's different, nothing's changed but today I feel like everything in my house is just too much. Like the walls are closing in, and I don't know why.
So what's so overwhelming? Well, it's actually only two things. First, Cate. Second, my gran. I don't know why but today they are both just irritating me with pretty much everything they do. Rubbing me up the wrong way, and it's not fun.
Now, I realise that this irritation is a symptom, but I don't know what it's a symptom of and I think that's adding fuel to the fire.
I believe that when you feel an emotion, it doesn't need to be fixed or taken away, it's part of life and while it's there it should be experienced. That doesn't mean that the emotion isn't there for a reason, or that the deeper meaning behind the emotion shouldn't be addressed.
If you're angry with the world, there's usually a reason. And while denying the fact that you're angry is the wrong approach, disregarding why you may be angry isn't the right approach.
So today I'm irritated, and I don't know why. I'm not tired, but maybe I'm just worn out. Maybe the emotional boxing ring that is my house is winning, and defeat is imminent.
I don't know what defeat would mean, but I do know that emotionally I'm worn thin.
Perhaps there is no deeper meaning than I am struggling to live with a woman who should be my father and a woman who spends her time telling everyone what they are doing wrong.
But I suspect there is. I don't know what it would be but I think that it's there. So I'll keep on looking for now, hopefully something will turn up.
So what's so overwhelming? Well, it's actually only two things. First, Cate. Second, my gran. I don't know why but today they are both just irritating me with pretty much everything they do. Rubbing me up the wrong way, and it's not fun.
Now, I realise that this irritation is a symptom, but I don't know what it's a symptom of and I think that's adding fuel to the fire.
I believe that when you feel an emotion, it doesn't need to be fixed or taken away, it's part of life and while it's there it should be experienced. That doesn't mean that the emotion isn't there for a reason, or that the deeper meaning behind the emotion shouldn't be addressed.
If you're angry with the world, there's usually a reason. And while denying the fact that you're angry is the wrong approach, disregarding why you may be angry isn't the right approach.
So today I'm irritated, and I don't know why. I'm not tired, but maybe I'm just worn out. Maybe the emotional boxing ring that is my house is winning, and defeat is imminent.
I don't know what defeat would mean, but I do know that emotionally I'm worn thin.
Perhaps there is no deeper meaning than I am struggling to live with a woman who should be my father and a woman who spends her time telling everyone what they are doing wrong.
But I suspect there is. I don't know what it would be but I think that it's there. So I'll keep on looking for now, hopefully something will turn up.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
New Adventures 12th - 19th
Friday
Friday evening I went through to a new friend of mine's 21st which was being held at a cricket club down the road from my house. I got there and found out that the alcohol was free, so bloody bargain.
We sat outside greeting people for a while before getting a few drinks and listening to some good old power metal. Nothing super special happened in the evening, other than drinking a fair amount, eating some fantastic spring rolls and headbanging to Lamb of God.
Charlie is a wonderful man, and so is his family [inside joke, sorry] so to celebrate his birthday with him was great fun. We heard some good stories and Donovan and Alex actually stopped mocking him for an evening which was a welcome change for us all actually.
So, Charlie you are a fantastic friend and a truly generous man. Have a good 'un.
Saturday
Saturday was a fairly normal day, until lunch time. Liverpool played Manchester United at Old Trafford, and I got much more than I expected. I think everyone did actually. I was expecting quite a tight game, but it wasn't really, with Liverpool raping United 4-1. After that, Chelsea's standing in the Premier League looked really good, so I was immediately happy about the result.
From there Justin, Candice, Gareth and I went through to another get together at a bar in Edward's street for another friend's 21st. To be honest I actually don't really know the guy at all, but I've met him at a few parties and spoken to him a few times on Facebook so he wasn't a complete stranger.
The evening was rather strange but in the end it was ok. After a weird start it ended up being fairly chilled which was cool I guess.
Sunday
On Sunday I watched BSG and then went through to Justin's house to watch Chelsea play Manchester City. The game wasn't particularly good because while Chelsea dominated the entire 90 minutes, they didn't score a lot of goals. In fact, it looked as if Manchester City just weren't trying or something although I suspect they were.
After the game we headed through to church where the pastor spoke on Col 1:9 - 20. It wasn't anything theologically challenging, but it was the gospel and I enjoyed that immensely.
After church, Johann joined Justin, Pierre, Gareth, Matt and I at Val's house for some coffee and biscuits. The biscuits didn't turn out as Val had hoped but they were great anyway, and we had some interesting chats. Always fun.
Monday
Monday was quite a lazy day, but we had decided to go through to Mercury in the evening. I don't know how it happened but Pierre, Justin and I ended up going without anyone else, which turned out to be a bit of a bad decision.
We got there and noticed that a car parked behind mine had its window smashed. First sign of trouble. After talking to a disinterested car guard I resolved to move my car immediately and continued with the evening.
The three of us walked in, hoping for a good metal song to get us going. The truth is that every week we go to Mercury we sort of dance, sort of mock people while we wait for a hard rock / metal song. When the heavier song comes along we headbang violently and usually draw a fair amount of attention before returning to sort of standing around. It's good fun, but for some reason they just weren't playing any good rock or much good music for that matter.
We were a bit despondent but decided to make a night of it so we stuck it out. We were semi dancing when two girls ended up dancing next to us and sort of made a move to join us which we semi-reluctantly accepted. One of the girls started talking to Pierre, asking him his name. Now, I'm sure you all know that clubs are pretty loud, and in order to hear each other talking you have to lean toward each other and pretty much shout over the music.
Pierre being a seasoned clubber, leaned in to tell the girl his name and as he did this the girl in question did the same. Their heads met with a firm bang sound, followed by Pierre apologising profusely and this girl looking as if she may cry. Pierre looked at me and I just shouted "FFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUU"
We had a good lol, not expecting to see the girls again. One of them left, and the other went to say goodbye and the evening continued. Shortly thereafter they headbutted girl returned and continued to dance with us.
Then she asked Pierre if we come here often because we don't fit in. At least she's forward.
A little later some heavier songs were played and we went mental, and ended up headbanging with this other random guy who was pretty cool, and he had who seemed to be his sister and two girls with him. After some good System of a Down and The Narrow we did some normal 'semi dancing semi mocking' moves and continued to sing along to some of the more ridiculous songs they play.
The headbutted girl, named Anika, hovered around us the entire night before eventually saying goodbye. She did eventually leave, but not before requesting Pierre's phone number. Pierre panicked and gave her a fake number. Such a lol.
At about 02h00 we left and decided we would never go back without a girl. It was just weird being three guys...
Tuesday
Battlestar Gallactica. That's it.
Wednesday
Wednesdays are our day for going to a pub in Durbanville named the Oxford Arms, but this week we had arranged to go to Johann's Bible study beforehand, and it was pretty cool. We broke up into groups of 12 - 15 people and then read different passages of scripture before studying them and discussing how we interpret them and could apply the newly gained knowledge to our lives.
Pierre and I ended up in a group of people who are currently working through Romans, and we read Romans 3: 21-26. The passage was fairly straight forward, with a bit of a twist in the end. I have my ideas on what it means, but I think it will require some study to entirely understand how versus 25 and 25 fit into the Old Testament, Salvation and Jesus' life.
Our group was very quiet and they didn't seem to grasp a lot of what was said, but perhaps they weren't saying anything because there were new people in the group. I don't know. Pierre and I did however enjoy the time and will be returning, probably every week. The people are really nice, and they are actually interested in the intricacies of scripture which truly is a rare trait.
Friday evening I went through to a new friend of mine's 21st which was being held at a cricket club down the road from my house. I got there and found out that the alcohol was free, so bloody bargain.
We sat outside greeting people for a while before getting a few drinks and listening to some good old power metal. Nothing super special happened in the evening, other than drinking a fair amount, eating some fantastic spring rolls and headbanging to Lamb of God.
Charlie is a wonderful man, and so is his family [inside joke, sorry] so to celebrate his birthday with him was great fun. We heard some good stories and Donovan and Alex actually stopped mocking him for an evening which was a welcome change for us all actually.
So, Charlie you are a fantastic friend and a truly generous man. Have a good 'un.
Saturday
Saturday was a fairly normal day, until lunch time. Liverpool played Manchester United at Old Trafford, and I got much more than I expected. I think everyone did actually. I was expecting quite a tight game, but it wasn't really, with Liverpool raping United 4-1. After that, Chelsea's standing in the Premier League looked really good, so I was immediately happy about the result.
From there Justin, Candice, Gareth and I went through to another get together at a bar in Edward's street for another friend's 21st. To be honest I actually don't really know the guy at all, but I've met him at a few parties and spoken to him a few times on Facebook so he wasn't a complete stranger.
The evening was rather strange but in the end it was ok. After a weird start it ended up being fairly chilled which was cool I guess.
Sunday
On Sunday I watched BSG and then went through to Justin's house to watch Chelsea play Manchester City. The game wasn't particularly good because while Chelsea dominated the entire 90 minutes, they didn't score a lot of goals. In fact, it looked as if Manchester City just weren't trying or something although I suspect they were.
After the game we headed through to church where the pastor spoke on Col 1:9 - 20. It wasn't anything theologically challenging, but it was the gospel and I enjoyed that immensely.
After church, Johann joined Justin, Pierre, Gareth, Matt and I at Val's house for some coffee and biscuits. The biscuits didn't turn out as Val had hoped but they were great anyway, and we had some interesting chats. Always fun.
Monday
Monday was quite a lazy day, but we had decided to go through to Mercury in the evening. I don't know how it happened but Pierre, Justin and I ended up going without anyone else, which turned out to be a bit of a bad decision.
We got there and noticed that a car parked behind mine had its window smashed. First sign of trouble. After talking to a disinterested car guard I resolved to move my car immediately and continued with the evening.
The three of us walked in, hoping for a good metal song to get us going. The truth is that every week we go to Mercury we sort of dance, sort of mock people while we wait for a hard rock / metal song. When the heavier song comes along we headbang violently and usually draw a fair amount of attention before returning to sort of standing around. It's good fun, but for some reason they just weren't playing any good rock or much good music for that matter.
We were a bit despondent but decided to make a night of it so we stuck it out. We were semi dancing when two girls ended up dancing next to us and sort of made a move to join us which we semi-reluctantly accepted. One of the girls started talking to Pierre, asking him his name. Now, I'm sure you all know that clubs are pretty loud, and in order to hear each other talking you have to lean toward each other and pretty much shout over the music.
Pierre being a seasoned clubber, leaned in to tell the girl his name and as he did this the girl in question did the same. Their heads met with a firm bang sound, followed by Pierre apologising profusely and this girl looking as if she may cry. Pierre looked at me and I just shouted "FFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUU"
We had a good lol, not expecting to see the girls again. One of them left, and the other went to say goodbye and the evening continued. Shortly thereafter they headbutted girl returned and continued to dance with us.
Then she asked Pierre if we come here often because we don't fit in. At least she's forward.
A little later some heavier songs were played and we went mental, and ended up headbanging with this other random guy who was pretty cool, and he had who seemed to be his sister and two girls with him. After some good System of a Down and The Narrow we did some normal 'semi dancing semi mocking' moves and continued to sing along to some of the more ridiculous songs they play.
The headbutted girl, named Anika, hovered around us the entire night before eventually saying goodbye. She did eventually leave, but not before requesting Pierre's phone number. Pierre panicked and gave her a fake number. Such a lol.
At about 02h00 we left and decided we would never go back without a girl. It was just weird being three guys...
Tuesday
Battlestar Gallactica. That's it.
Wednesday
Wednesdays are our day for going to a pub in Durbanville named the Oxford Arms, but this week we had arranged to go to Johann's Bible study beforehand, and it was pretty cool. We broke up into groups of 12 - 15 people and then read different passages of scripture before studying them and discussing how we interpret them and could apply the newly gained knowledge to our lives.
Pierre and I ended up in a group of people who are currently working through Romans, and we read Romans 3: 21-26. The passage was fairly straight forward, with a bit of a twist in the end. I have my ideas on what it means, but I think it will require some study to entirely understand how versus 25 and 25 fit into the Old Testament, Salvation and Jesus' life.
Our group was very quiet and they didn't seem to grasp a lot of what was said, but perhaps they weren't saying anything because there were new people in the group. I don't know. Pierre and I did however enjoy the time and will be returning, probably every week. The people are really nice, and they are actually interested in the intricacies of scripture which truly is a rare trait.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Aggressively Outgoing
So I was talking to my mom on Tuesday afternoon and I was telling her about a situation one of my friends is currently in, and my mom said that I need to be more supportive. I said to her "What makes you think I'm not being supportive?" and she replied by saying "I know you and I know that you are very strong with people and tend to push them overly hard. You need to stop talking and just listen."
Then, on Wednesday afternoon she told me I must be careful because I can come across overly aggressively and people can get the wrong message simply. Now, to some extent this it true. I love breaking people's perception, and irrespective of whether I think they are right or wrong I like making people think about why they believe something, or why they think something.
I don't care what their conclusion is, and I don't care if I agree with their conclusion I just want them to think about why they believe something. And in most cases I will push people pretty hard, and fairly far before I am happy that they believe something for a reason.
Now, I know that by doing this I probably alienate quite a few people but I guess for me the truth is that if you aren't willing to hear what I have to say then we're going to have a problem anyway. I probably do come across as overly strong at times, but for the most part it isn't intentional. I want to be firm, but I don't want to shatter people's lives.
I don't like being wrong, and perhaps that's why I push people so hard. I believe that truth and being right is what really makes a difference in the world. I don't really care if you're wrong, I just want to be right. In fact, I don't mind being wrong if it means that I know what is right. And I push myself even harder than I push the people around me. Why I say, do or believe anything is more important to me than living at all.
So do you think that by pushing people around me I push them away? Should I be pushing the people around me at all, or should I just let them be? In my opinion if you can't take hearing what I have to say then we're probably not going to be good friends at all because I spill the beans on any topic at any time. No qualms.
To be fair, I probably should shut up a bit more though...
Then, on Wednesday afternoon she told me I must be careful because I can come across overly aggressively and people can get the wrong message simply. Now, to some extent this it true. I love breaking people's perception, and irrespective of whether I think they are right or wrong I like making people think about why they believe something, or why they think something.
I don't care what their conclusion is, and I don't care if I agree with their conclusion I just want them to think about why they believe something. And in most cases I will push people pretty hard, and fairly far before I am happy that they believe something for a reason.
Now, I know that by doing this I probably alienate quite a few people but I guess for me the truth is that if you aren't willing to hear what I have to say then we're going to have a problem anyway. I probably do come across as overly strong at times, but for the most part it isn't intentional. I want to be firm, but I don't want to shatter people's lives.
I don't like being wrong, and perhaps that's why I push people so hard. I believe that truth and being right is what really makes a difference in the world. I don't really care if you're wrong, I just want to be right. In fact, I don't mind being wrong if it means that I know what is right. And I push myself even harder than I push the people around me. Why I say, do or believe anything is more important to me than living at all.
So do you think that by pushing people around me I push them away? Should I be pushing the people around me at all, or should I just let them be? In my opinion if you can't take hearing what I have to say then we're probably not going to be good friends at all because I spill the beans on any topic at any time. No qualms.
To be fair, I probably should shut up a bit more though...
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Once Burnt, Twice Shy
I actually hate that saying but it was the first thing that jumped to mind when I wanted to name this blog so whatever. Anyway, I'm scared of getting into a romantic relationship because I've seen quite a few of my friends burnt badly by being in relationships.
I'm fairly sure that if we looked at the numbers we would find that the majority of relationships fail, but that isn't what is causing my apprehension. I have not one, not two but three friends who were in what they would classify as fulfilling, long term relationships only for the relationship to end rather unexpectedly for reasons initially unknown and probably still not understood.
In all of these cases my friends were male and were totally committed to the relationship. In two of the cases these friends were seriously considering marriage and I would consider these friends of mine to be good men who didn't deserve the heartache they had to endure.
Now I understand the idea that it was much better to have found out that your significant other isn't as committed as you are before marriage than after, but in all of these cases the relationship in question lasted for over 2 years, and in one of the cases it lasted for almost 4 years.
Now surely after a year of dating someone you know them well enough to be able to say if you would be able to live with them at all, if not for the rest of your life. And if the answer is "No, I can't live with this person" then isn't it your responsibility to be honest and either work on your relationship or part ways amicably?
But in all three cases my friends trusted their partner completely and felt that they were being totally honest with each other. Which means that either the other person just hadn't thought about it or the other person had decided that being in a relationship was convenient enough that they didn't want to upset their own lives.
I understand that I'm seeing this all from the outside and it is tainted by my experiences. Perhaps I'm being overly critical, but it seems as if someone was being dishonest...
So what is the answer? I don't know. Let's not lie to ourselves, the divorce rate in the world is fucking high and I don't think that's because there are a lot of people having shotgun weddings. In fact, I don't know if there is any sort of pattern that can be found which contributes to divorces but I can say that based on the relationships I've observed and the statistics I've seen I don't know if I believe in marriage. More to the point, I don't know if I believe in romantic relationships.
Based on what I've seen people put in an immense amount of effort and it seldom pays off with more than unbearable heartache. My mother thought she knew my father until one day he said "I want to be a woman". Now he wears women's clothing and is getting his cock cut off.
Truth is that I've never experienced a romantic relationship, and I don't know if I want to. I'm just not sold on the idea. Perhaps that's why the only relationship I'm likely to enter [at this point in time] is one where both parties are as independant as possible with an almost clinical approach as to who does what, when and why. I honestly don't know...
I'm fairly sure that if we looked at the numbers we would find that the majority of relationships fail, but that isn't what is causing my apprehension. I have not one, not two but three friends who were in what they would classify as fulfilling, long term relationships only for the relationship to end rather unexpectedly for reasons initially unknown and probably still not understood.
In all of these cases my friends were male and were totally committed to the relationship. In two of the cases these friends were seriously considering marriage and I would consider these friends of mine to be good men who didn't deserve the heartache they had to endure.
Now I understand the idea that it was much better to have found out that your significant other isn't as committed as you are before marriage than after, but in all of these cases the relationship in question lasted for over 2 years, and in one of the cases it lasted for almost 4 years.
Now surely after a year of dating someone you know them well enough to be able to say if you would be able to live with them at all, if not for the rest of your life. And if the answer is "No, I can't live with this person" then isn't it your responsibility to be honest and either work on your relationship or part ways amicably?
But in all three cases my friends trusted their partner completely and felt that they were being totally honest with each other. Which means that either the other person just hadn't thought about it or the other person had decided that being in a relationship was convenient enough that they didn't want to upset their own lives.
I understand that I'm seeing this all from the outside and it is tainted by my experiences. Perhaps I'm being overly critical, but it seems as if someone was being dishonest...
So what is the answer? I don't know. Let's not lie to ourselves, the divorce rate in the world is fucking high and I don't think that's because there are a lot of people having shotgun weddings. In fact, I don't know if there is any sort of pattern that can be found which contributes to divorces but I can say that based on the relationships I've observed and the statistics I've seen I don't know if I believe in marriage. More to the point, I don't know if I believe in romantic relationships.
Based on what I've seen people put in an immense amount of effort and it seldom pays off with more than unbearable heartache. My mother thought she knew my father until one day he said "I want to be a woman". Now he wears women's clothing and is getting his cock cut off.
Truth is that I've never experienced a romantic relationship, and I don't know if I want to. I'm just not sold on the idea. Perhaps that's why the only relationship I'm likely to enter [at this point in time] is one where both parties are as independant as possible with an almost clinical approach as to who does what, when and why. I honestly don't know...
Holding Midfield
On Tuesday last week Chelsea played Juventus in Turin and on Sunday they played Manchester City and in both games they did something that I wasn't expecting, from a tactical perspective.
In both games I expected Essien to play in the holding midfielder's position taking over from Mikel but in both cases he played on the right of central midfield. For the first game the team played a slightly more defensive formation of 4-1-3-2 with Mikel in the holding midfield position and Anelka playing further back than he usually would.
But the really interesting game was on Sunday against Manchester City when they played their standard 4-1-2-3, with Ballack in the holding midfielder's position. Theoretically it should be fine because as a box to box midfielder all he would do is play a slightly more defensively than normal, but for Hiddink to have chosen him for this role instead of Mikel surprised me a bit.
So, I got thinking about what the role of a holding midfielder really is, and after some reading and thinking I have found that the holding midfielder has two jobs. First, he is there to stop any cross or pass which may come from midfield to the strikers and will do this by placing himself in the path of the opposition midfielder and the forwards who may be trying to get behind the defence. By doing this the opposition are unable to push any long balls forward, and greatly reduces their ability to counter attack, thereby slowing their entire game down.
The second role is to initiate attacks. In order to do this the holding midfielder has to be an extremely quick thinker so that he may assess the field placement and decide who to pass to so as best to set the team up for a tactically strong attack. He also has to be able to cover small distances in a very short period and would of course have to be able to accurately and quickly pass the ball from any position on the field.
After thinking about this it is clear to me that Essien isn't a holding midfielder. Sure he can play in that position, but he is strongest in central midfield where he can make strong tackles and provide through balls for the forwards.
And while Mikel is effective in his defensive role, his attack initialisation is not up to scratch. Sure he's young and I suspect he'll get much better in this position over the next few years, but Chelsea need someone to fill this position now and think Hiddink may have made the best decision by choosing Ballack.
He can with out a doubt make extremely strong tackles, but his experience is what will make his transition to this role so smooth. Not only will he be able to anticipate attacks, he can start them just as easily as we saw on Sunday.
So, I suspect Ballack will be filling the holding midfield position for a while, with Mikel sitting in the background learning for the next few months.
I don't think Ballack will be leaving Chelsea at the end of the season even though there is talk of the squad being revamped, I do think that at least 5 and possibly even up to 7 players will be leaving at the end of May with at least as many, and probably close to 10 players coming in with a new manager, said to be Frank Rijkaard.
These are the players I think will be leaving: Deco, Mineiro, Malouda, Del Pierro, and possibly Belletti, Ferreira, Anelka and Hilaro.
These are the positions I think need to be filled: Second and possibly third string goal keeper, left back, right back, central midfield x 2, left wing x 2 and striker.
With a new coach coming in these players would be bought specifically for a role and formation and as Jose Mourinho as shown, doing this can prove to be extremely successful.
In both games I expected Essien to play in the holding midfielder's position taking over from Mikel but in both cases he played on the right of central midfield. For the first game the team played a slightly more defensive formation of 4-1-3-2 with Mikel in the holding midfield position and Anelka playing further back than he usually would.
But the really interesting game was on Sunday against Manchester City when they played their standard 4-1-2-3, with Ballack in the holding midfielder's position. Theoretically it should be fine because as a box to box midfielder all he would do is play a slightly more defensively than normal, but for Hiddink to have chosen him for this role instead of Mikel surprised me a bit.
So, I got thinking about what the role of a holding midfielder really is, and after some reading and thinking I have found that the holding midfielder has two jobs. First, he is there to stop any cross or pass which may come from midfield to the strikers and will do this by placing himself in the path of the opposition midfielder and the forwards who may be trying to get behind the defence. By doing this the opposition are unable to push any long balls forward, and greatly reduces their ability to counter attack, thereby slowing their entire game down.
The second role is to initiate attacks. In order to do this the holding midfielder has to be an extremely quick thinker so that he may assess the field placement and decide who to pass to so as best to set the team up for a tactically strong attack. He also has to be able to cover small distances in a very short period and would of course have to be able to accurately and quickly pass the ball from any position on the field.
After thinking about this it is clear to me that Essien isn't a holding midfielder. Sure he can play in that position, but he is strongest in central midfield where he can make strong tackles and provide through balls for the forwards.
And while Mikel is effective in his defensive role, his attack initialisation is not up to scratch. Sure he's young and I suspect he'll get much better in this position over the next few years, but Chelsea need someone to fill this position now and think Hiddink may have made the best decision by choosing Ballack.
He can with out a doubt make extremely strong tackles, but his experience is what will make his transition to this role so smooth. Not only will he be able to anticipate attacks, he can start them just as easily as we saw on Sunday.
So, I suspect Ballack will be filling the holding midfield position for a while, with Mikel sitting in the background learning for the next few months.
I don't think Ballack will be leaving Chelsea at the end of the season even though there is talk of the squad being revamped, I do think that at least 5 and possibly even up to 7 players will be leaving at the end of May with at least as many, and probably close to 10 players coming in with a new manager, said to be Frank Rijkaard.
These are the players I think will be leaving: Deco, Mineiro, Malouda, Del Pierro, and possibly Belletti, Ferreira, Anelka and Hilaro.
These are the positions I think need to be filled: Second and possibly third string goal keeper, left back, right back, central midfield x 2, left wing x 2 and striker.
With a new coach coming in these players would be bought specifically for a role and formation and as Jose Mourinho as shown, doing this can prove to be extremely successful.
Monday, March 16, 2009
Playing Second Fiddle
Do you ever get the feeling that you're just not good enough? Like you're doing your thing as best you can but in a specific aspect you're just not up to par? I do.
I'll be honest with you, I feel inferior when it comes to any aspect of romantic relationships. I think I'm a great guy who has a lot to offer the people around me but when it comes to relationships of a romantic nature I don't believe what I have to give is worth anything. And it bothers me, more than I wish it did.
One of my greatest friends, Justin, has a way with women. He knows how they work, he knows how to communicate with them and he is so confident it amazes me. When I look at how he carries himself, how he speaks and reacts I know I could never do that.
Now, before people start building a story in their minds let me be clear, there is no girl I am currently trying to hook up with. There is no conflict of interest, I'm just trying to improve myself.
But it seems to me that relationships of a romantic nature are built in a specific way, they are approached in a specific way and if they are not approached in that specific manner they don't go anywhere. And the truth is that I don't fully understand how to build these types of relationships.
And the parts that I do understand feel wrong. I just can't do 'those' things. Example, I was talking to another friend of mine, Matt and I said I could never tell a girl I love her while flirting with her. He said "Take for example, a girl says 'my favorite band is Lamb of God' and then I could respond 'I think I love you'"
While I understand the premise for this response, I just can't do that. It feels wrong. I don't have a reason why, it just feels wrong, almost deceptive.
But I'm scared that if I don't do these things I won't ever be able to approach a relationship in the correct manner, and will therefore never be able to have any sort of romantic relationship.
I should point out at this stage that I have never had a girlfriend, and don't regret that at all. Perhaps I am overly conservative, or maybe I just take life to seriously but on some level I feel that not doing things I don't feel comfortable with will be a good thing in the end. I don't know. Maybe I'm just destined to be alone or something else much less terrible than it sounds.
So, what do you think? Am I just being a coward? Should I just do some of the things I feel uncomfortable with? Or am I making the right decision but applying my 'trade' in the wrong way? Or am I just over thinking this whole thing?
What are your experiences with romantic relationships and approaching them?
I'll be honest with you, I feel inferior when it comes to any aspect of romantic relationships. I think I'm a great guy who has a lot to offer the people around me but when it comes to relationships of a romantic nature I don't believe what I have to give is worth anything. And it bothers me, more than I wish it did.
One of my greatest friends, Justin, has a way with women. He knows how they work, he knows how to communicate with them and he is so confident it amazes me. When I look at how he carries himself, how he speaks and reacts I know I could never do that.
Now, before people start building a story in their minds let me be clear, there is no girl I am currently trying to hook up with. There is no conflict of interest, I'm just trying to improve myself.
But it seems to me that relationships of a romantic nature are built in a specific way, they are approached in a specific way and if they are not approached in that specific manner they don't go anywhere. And the truth is that I don't fully understand how to build these types of relationships.
And the parts that I do understand feel wrong. I just can't do 'those' things. Example, I was talking to another friend of mine, Matt and I said I could never tell a girl I love her while flirting with her. He said "Take for example, a girl says 'my favorite band is Lamb of God' and then I could respond 'I think I love you'"
While I understand the premise for this response, I just can't do that. It feels wrong. I don't have a reason why, it just feels wrong, almost deceptive.
But I'm scared that if I don't do these things I won't ever be able to approach a relationship in the correct manner, and will therefore never be able to have any sort of romantic relationship.
I should point out at this stage that I have never had a girlfriend, and don't regret that at all. Perhaps I am overly conservative, or maybe I just take life to seriously but on some level I feel that not doing things I don't feel comfortable with will be a good thing in the end. I don't know. Maybe I'm just destined to be alone or something else much less terrible than it sounds.
So, what do you think? Am I just being a coward? Should I just do some of the things I feel uncomfortable with? Or am I making the right decision but applying my 'trade' in the wrong way? Or am I just over thinking this whole thing?
What are your experiences with romantic relationships and approaching them?
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Fix You
So, recently I read a note on Facebook written by a girl I know but am not really friends with. She's sort of a friend of a friend who I've met two or three times and while I don't really know her I can clearly identify with what she wrote in her note.
In the note she says that she has been hiding from everyone because she doesn't want to lie to them anymore, she says she feels as if she has a 'sad soul' and this has left her feeling helpless and with nowhere to turn. She feels as if she needs to change because she believes in the Lord but as much as she prays nothing is changing or getting any better. And as she tries to find the answers, she slowly but surely wears herself thinner and thinner.
Now, I chose not to reply to this note because I don't really know this girl or her circumstances well enough to respond in a way that would carry any meaning. I do however understand how she feels.
As I finished reading the note I saw that quite a few people had responded to this note, and what they had to say angered me immensely.
The first person said
"your cup will fill up again..continue to have faith.
WE LOVE YOU"
and as I read that I exclaimed "for fuck's sake..."
Most of the comments that followed were equally meaningless and and only served to intensify my rage. People said things like "It all works out for the best" and "Trust in the Lord" and I remembered people saying the same things to me. None of it ever helps, in fact I would say that nothing will really help.
I remembered speaking to my psychologist a few years ago and saying "Why am I not allowed to feel sad? Why can't I be depressed?" and after a few sessions I came to the conclusion that people see sadness as a problem. If there is a reason you feel sad it doesn't matter. The problem isn't the problem, sadness is the problem for most people. And it makes me very angry.
I believe that sadness is an emotion in the same way happiness or anger are emotions. These emotions need to be felt and experienced and not justified. Sadness doesn't need to be reasoned away, it should be embraced.
The trick to life isn't sorting everything out or fixing things, it's living with the reality we're faced with and making the best decisions we can. That's it, nothing else.
People don't need to be fixed, they need to be loved. This is not a hit and run where we can help someone get better and then walk away looking for the next broken wing case, friendships are created and as people go through shit we go through it with them, that's what it's about. It's not about dispensing life lessons, it's about sitting in the room with that person in their darkest hour.
Now, I'm not saying that everyone who replied to that note was a cunt, far from it. Many of her true friends said they love her and would like to help in any way they could, but the superficial fools who say things like "Your cup will fill up again" can fuck off in my opinion.
In the note she says that she has been hiding from everyone because she doesn't want to lie to them anymore, she says she feels as if she has a 'sad soul' and this has left her feeling helpless and with nowhere to turn. She feels as if she needs to change because she believes in the Lord but as much as she prays nothing is changing or getting any better. And as she tries to find the answers, she slowly but surely wears herself thinner and thinner.
Now, I chose not to reply to this note because I don't really know this girl or her circumstances well enough to respond in a way that would carry any meaning. I do however understand how she feels.
As I finished reading the note I saw that quite a few people had responded to this note, and what they had to say angered me immensely.
The first person said
"your cup will fill up again..continue to have faith.
WE LOVE YOU"
and as I read that I exclaimed "for fuck's sake..."
Most of the comments that followed were equally meaningless and and only served to intensify my rage. People said things like "It all works out for the best" and "Trust in the Lord" and I remembered people saying the same things to me. None of it ever helps, in fact I would say that nothing will really help.
I remembered speaking to my psychologist a few years ago and saying "Why am I not allowed to feel sad? Why can't I be depressed?" and after a few sessions I came to the conclusion that people see sadness as a problem. If there is a reason you feel sad it doesn't matter. The problem isn't the problem, sadness is the problem for most people. And it makes me very angry.
I believe that sadness is an emotion in the same way happiness or anger are emotions. These emotions need to be felt and experienced and not justified. Sadness doesn't need to be reasoned away, it should be embraced.
The trick to life isn't sorting everything out or fixing things, it's living with the reality we're faced with and making the best decisions we can. That's it, nothing else.
People don't need to be fixed, they need to be loved. This is not a hit and run where we can help someone get better and then walk away looking for the next broken wing case, friendships are created and as people go through shit we go through it with them, that's what it's about. It's not about dispensing life lessons, it's about sitting in the room with that person in their darkest hour.
Now, I'm not saying that everyone who replied to that note was a cunt, far from it. Many of her true friends said they love her and would like to help in any way they could, but the superficial fools who say things like "Your cup will fill up again" can fuck off in my opinion.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
New Adventures 5th - 12th
Before I start, I'd like to let everyone know that I have decided to cut back my blogging from every day to about 5 times a week. I don't want my blogs to ramble, I want them to be meaningful and to write that much which is worth reading is fairly difficult. Anyway, here we go...
Friday
Friday got off to a good start, with Pierre coming over to my house to drop off Battlestar Gallactica [BSG] seasons. He and I ended up having a good chat over some lunch and just hanging out for the afternoon.
I'm not sure when, but at some stage we decided to go through to meet up with an old friend of his in Long Street at a place called 'The Waiting Room'. We arrived to find that Shelly, the friend in question, had not yet arrived so we decided to get a drink and take a walk around for a bit.
The place was really cool and the atmosphere made it feel more like a house party than a club. After walking up an extremely narrow flight of stairs that must have ascended at least three stories we encountered a fairly narrow 'lobby' area. The first thing I noticed was that the floors were wooden and there were some deliberate details on the walls. Lighting was pleasant, and the music was forceful but not loud.
There were couches everywhere and 'funky' rugs on the ground to break the spaces. The bar was in one corner, and opposite was a long balcony inviting people to sit and look over Long Street. Another set of stairs was found next to the bar. After getting our drinks we went upstairs to find another area which had been strategically broken into two smaller and more intimate areas.
This area lead to a sheltered outside area where we found some picnic benches where we could sit and chat. Because we were further away from the sound system, the music became more atmospheric and less forceful, which was great.
From this outside area we found yet another narrow staircase that lead to the roof, and on the roof were many couches, picnic benches and tables. It was fantastic.
Needless to say, I thought the 'club' was great, even if the bar was quite awful. Ok, it wasn't awful but our drinks were warm, and with the temperature already being at least 30, probably more, this wasn't ideal.
We sat in the first outside area, hoping that seats on the roof would eventually open up while we waited for Shelly. The seats never arrived, Shelly did. We went inside and started telling random stories, some of which were funny others were just weird.
Shelly seemed like a nice enough girl, but she was a little reserved. Can't blame her though, she only met Gareth and I that evening.
At some stage Gareth let us know he wanted to go dancing. I wasn't too keen, but I figured it'd be best to just go along with it and see what happened. We went looking at all the clubs, but things weren't looking up.
First stop was a place called Fiction. We didn't actually make it inside because the people outside told us it was dead. So we moved on to a place Pierre thought might be good: Joburg. Not the city, it's apparently also a shit club.
After Pierre payed for Gareth and I to get inside, it was the biggest let down ever. The dance floor was about the size of a coffee table, with the worst music ever, and the people were mostly just drunk. After about 5 minutes we all knew this was going south quickly and we needed to leave.
After fighting our way past the bar, we went to Zula Bar, which was also dead. If Zula Bar is dead at midnight, you know there are problems. Not knowing what to do next, we decided to try an old hang out place Pierre knew called Pixies. When we got there it was closed, not sure why but it was.
So, we crossed the road and went to Rafiki's. We got a good table outside and just sat talking about French, and speaking French for that matter. I didn't know what was cutting...
At about 01h00 or so we decided to leave and assured Shelly we'd see her again. Don't know when but I think we'll see her again.
Saturday
Saturday started off quite slowly, I finished watching Heroes season 3, and was not impressed. Far too predictable, and clinical to some extent. The plot did have a few interesting moments, but that was it. I'm sure lots of people disagree, but I don't care.
At about 19h00 or so, Justin gave me a call and told me he had spoken to a 'new' friend of ours, Candice. I had met her once before at a party on Valentine's day, and knew she lived in Paarl. That's far away, in case you don't know. Anyway, Justin was talking to her on Facebook chat and found out that she couldn't use the car, so he suggested that we go through there for a fairly chilled evening. I had nothing to do, and thought it would be cool to have a change of scenery so off we went.
Candice lives on a golf estate, and it's bloody big. After getting lost trying to find the place, we worked out that we should have turned left at a circle and after about 10 minutes of driving we found her house.
After meeting her parents and her sister's boyfriend we went outside for a cup of coffee and had a good chat. We ended up staying until about 2am, having some fairly interesting conversations with her and her sister's boyfriend, Royce. I don't know if that's how to spell his name, so please forgive me if I got it wrong.
A little after leaving, Justin told me that he was hungry, and so was I. We contemplated stopping off at a petrol station to get something to eat but decided that we'd be fine after all. We weren't. About 2 kms after passing the petrol station both of us decided we needed food, and before we got home.
I remembered that the McDonald's at N1 City is now 24 hours, so we decided to stop off there for dinner. When we got there, the que was much longer than you'd expect it would be at 3am, but figured most of the guys were probably drunk and needed food to sober up, so whatever.
We stopped behind a red golf, and the guy in the car had left a fairly large gap between his car and the car in front. Thinking that he was just looking at the menu or something we disregarded it. After at least 2, probably closer to 3 minutes of no movement we started wondering if he was awake of if he'd passed out. As we were wondering what was going on he started pulling forward quite slowly.
He rounded the corner and just before the window where you place your orders, I saw a woman's head pop up from his lap.
We were like, what the fuck just happened. Clearly this woman had 'gone down' on him while in the line to order food. Justin and I just laughed.
After he got his milkshake he got his order and left.
Good story...
Sunday
Sunday I started watching BSG, before going to church on Sunday evening. Pierre, Justin, Matthew and I all though the pastor's sermon was good, but he viewed the text from an extremely conservative perspective, which I didn't entirely agree with. He spoke from John 8:31-59, and referenced it to John 20:30-31. If you're interested read it, and we'll have a chat.
After church we went through to Val's house where we had some good q&a time with her and Mandy.
Apparently next week we're getting coffee and cookies, so bargain.
Monday
BSG. That's all I have to say.
Tuesday
Tuesday evening Chelsea played the away leg against Juventus, and drew. On aggregate they went through to the next round which I was quite happy with.
We also went to see one of Gareth's friend, Len, perform with his band at a really cool pub named The Eye Of Horus. They had a really good live performance, and I wish them good luck for the battle of the bands competition.
Wednesday
Wednesday evening Pierre came over to my house for dinner and after a fairly rushed dinner we got ready and headed out to the Oxford Arms for drinks. While I was picking Matthew up I noticed Jan had sent me an sms asking if I would be able to pick him up. Being a fantastic friend, I drove through to his res just below UCT and from there we went through to Durbanville for a good time.
We've met Johann's friends a few time, and every time we meet them they warm up to us a little. This week they arrived before Johann and greeted us which was great. They seem like really nice people, and we sort of watched some football together which was nice. I think they are taken aback by our vulgar language and possibly our honesty. We just call it as we see it, and I think a lot of people hear that and think we're weird or something.
Anyway, this time they only started withdrawing toward the end of the evening, so we got a good few words in beforehand. Johann is a wonderful man, and we took some pictures for Beard Challenge before leaving at around midnight.
Friday
Friday got off to a good start, with Pierre coming over to my house to drop off Battlestar Gallactica [BSG] seasons. He and I ended up having a good chat over some lunch and just hanging out for the afternoon.
I'm not sure when, but at some stage we decided to go through to meet up with an old friend of his in Long Street at a place called 'The Waiting Room'. We arrived to find that Shelly, the friend in question, had not yet arrived so we decided to get a drink and take a walk around for a bit.
The place was really cool and the atmosphere made it feel more like a house party than a club. After walking up an extremely narrow flight of stairs that must have ascended at least three stories we encountered a fairly narrow 'lobby' area. The first thing I noticed was that the floors were wooden and there were some deliberate details on the walls. Lighting was pleasant, and the music was forceful but not loud.
There were couches everywhere and 'funky' rugs on the ground to break the spaces. The bar was in one corner, and opposite was a long balcony inviting people to sit and look over Long Street. Another set of stairs was found next to the bar. After getting our drinks we went upstairs to find another area which had been strategically broken into two smaller and more intimate areas.
This area lead to a sheltered outside area where we found some picnic benches where we could sit and chat. Because we were further away from the sound system, the music became more atmospheric and less forceful, which was great.
From this outside area we found yet another narrow staircase that lead to the roof, and on the roof were many couches, picnic benches and tables. It was fantastic.
Needless to say, I thought the 'club' was great, even if the bar was quite awful. Ok, it wasn't awful but our drinks were warm, and with the temperature already being at least 30, probably more, this wasn't ideal.
We sat in the first outside area, hoping that seats on the roof would eventually open up while we waited for Shelly. The seats never arrived, Shelly did. We went inside and started telling random stories, some of which were funny others were just weird.
Shelly seemed like a nice enough girl, but she was a little reserved. Can't blame her though, she only met Gareth and I that evening.
At some stage Gareth let us know he wanted to go dancing. I wasn't too keen, but I figured it'd be best to just go along with it and see what happened. We went looking at all the clubs, but things weren't looking up.
First stop was a place called Fiction. We didn't actually make it inside because the people outside told us it was dead. So we moved on to a place Pierre thought might be good: Joburg. Not the city, it's apparently also a shit club.
After Pierre payed for Gareth and I to get inside, it was the biggest let down ever. The dance floor was about the size of a coffee table, with the worst music ever, and the people were mostly just drunk. After about 5 minutes we all knew this was going south quickly and we needed to leave.
After fighting our way past the bar, we went to Zula Bar, which was also dead. If Zula Bar is dead at midnight, you know there are problems. Not knowing what to do next, we decided to try an old hang out place Pierre knew called Pixies. When we got there it was closed, not sure why but it was.
So, we crossed the road and went to Rafiki's. We got a good table outside and just sat talking about French, and speaking French for that matter. I didn't know what was cutting...
At about 01h00 or so we decided to leave and assured Shelly we'd see her again. Don't know when but I think we'll see her again.
Saturday
Saturday started off quite slowly, I finished watching Heroes season 3, and was not impressed. Far too predictable, and clinical to some extent. The plot did have a few interesting moments, but that was it. I'm sure lots of people disagree, but I don't care.
At about 19h00 or so, Justin gave me a call and told me he had spoken to a 'new' friend of ours, Candice. I had met her once before at a party on Valentine's day, and knew she lived in Paarl. That's far away, in case you don't know. Anyway, Justin was talking to her on Facebook chat and found out that she couldn't use the car, so he suggested that we go through there for a fairly chilled evening. I had nothing to do, and thought it would be cool to have a change of scenery so off we went.
Candice lives on a golf estate, and it's bloody big. After getting lost trying to find the place, we worked out that we should have turned left at a circle and after about 10 minutes of driving we found her house.
After meeting her parents and her sister's boyfriend we went outside for a cup of coffee and had a good chat. We ended up staying until about 2am, having some fairly interesting conversations with her and her sister's boyfriend, Royce. I don't know if that's how to spell his name, so please forgive me if I got it wrong.
A little after leaving, Justin told me that he was hungry, and so was I. We contemplated stopping off at a petrol station to get something to eat but decided that we'd be fine after all. We weren't. About 2 kms after passing the petrol station both of us decided we needed food, and before we got home.
I remembered that the McDonald's at N1 City is now 24 hours, so we decided to stop off there for dinner. When we got there, the que was much longer than you'd expect it would be at 3am, but figured most of the guys were probably drunk and needed food to sober up, so whatever.
We stopped behind a red golf, and the guy in the car had left a fairly large gap between his car and the car in front. Thinking that he was just looking at the menu or something we disregarded it. After at least 2, probably closer to 3 minutes of no movement we started wondering if he was awake of if he'd passed out. As we were wondering what was going on he started pulling forward quite slowly.
He rounded the corner and just before the window where you place your orders, I saw a woman's head pop up from his lap.
We were like, what the fuck just happened. Clearly this woman had 'gone down' on him while in the line to order food. Justin and I just laughed.
After he got his milkshake he got his order and left.
Good story...
Sunday
Sunday I started watching BSG, before going to church on Sunday evening. Pierre, Justin, Matthew and I all though the pastor's sermon was good, but he viewed the text from an extremely conservative perspective, which I didn't entirely agree with. He spoke from John 8:31-59, and referenced it to John 20:30-31. If you're interested read it, and we'll have a chat.
After church we went through to Val's house where we had some good q&a time with her and Mandy.
Apparently next week we're getting coffee and cookies, so bargain.
Monday
BSG. That's all I have to say.
Tuesday
Tuesday evening Chelsea played the away leg against Juventus, and drew. On aggregate they went through to the next round which I was quite happy with.
We also went to see one of Gareth's friend, Len, perform with his band at a really cool pub named The Eye Of Horus. They had a really good live performance, and I wish them good luck for the battle of the bands competition.
Wednesday
Wednesday evening Pierre came over to my house for dinner and after a fairly rushed dinner we got ready and headed out to the Oxford Arms for drinks. While I was picking Matthew up I noticed Jan had sent me an sms asking if I would be able to pick him up. Being a fantastic friend, I drove through to his res just below UCT and from there we went through to Durbanville for a good time.
We've met Johann's friends a few time, and every time we meet them they warm up to us a little. This week they arrived before Johann and greeted us which was great. They seem like really nice people, and we sort of watched some football together which was nice. I think they are taken aback by our vulgar language and possibly our honesty. We just call it as we see it, and I think a lot of people hear that and think we're weird or something.
Anyway, this time they only started withdrawing toward the end of the evening, so we got a good few words in beforehand. Johann is a wonderful man, and we took some pictures for Beard Challenge before leaving at around midnight.
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