Before I start this post I would like to apologise for not posting my band review yesterday. I went with some friends of mine to get their tattoos, and it was wonderful. But because I was out all day I didn't have any time to post. Sorry. Anyway, I'll post it tomorrow, for now I have something I want to write about, completely unrelated to any of the above events.
Last night I was chatting to some of my friends about my not having a girlfriend, and indeed never having one, and they are of the opinion that I should put myself as they say 'out there'. While I'm not sure if this is the right thing to be doing, I can say that my current approach is not working at all.
Here's my problem, because I think a lot I tend to eliminate girls from the 'radar' before they've actually even shown by finding things that aren't what I perceive to be compatible with my personality. And the truth is that in many cases not only am I wrong, but I'm jumping the gun and probably destroying something that could have been an awesome relationship. I need to give people a chance.
The only way to give people a chance is by actually putting yourself out there, and that's something I struggle to do because having faith in someone takes a risk, and growing that relationship is a lot of work, which isn't a problem if you're willing to invest in a person but I tend to write girls off before I can decide that they're worth the investment of my time, emotion, effort and all those other good things.
So it seems that the answer to this predicament is to take a few risks, and actually allow myself to potentially be hurt. This is not something I'm keen on doing, but something that I suspect is necessary. I do however have a few problems.
First is finding someone I'm willing to do that with. I have fairly high standards and expectations and I don't know if those expectations will ever be met. I also don't know if they are even reasonable expectations. For example, I am probably looking for a woman who is either my age or slightly older, but is willing to go one with a guy who has almost no idea of what a girlfriend expects or wants, and while I am eager to learn it will take time so she will probably have to be a little patient in that regard. Now where the hell am I going to find a woman who is willing to do that, let alone meet all of my other random requirements of being intellectually engaging, attractive, stylish, interested in philosophy, music, art and currents events etc?
Second is breaking out of the friendship stage. I know that I need to actually take a risk, but when do I do this? Do I wait until I'm fairly certain that it's a wise risk to take? Or is it something I should just do when it feels right? Is it something you do at will, or is something you do to last? I heard about a guy who is a respected Christian, and he had 'been with' more than 17 girls in one year. For me that's just reckless, and wrong. But is that what guys do? Is that what I should be doing?
And if I do leave it until we're friends, is that a problem? I know of guys who say you can't break out of that friendship stage but is that really true? Is that a problem? Or can that be worked around?
The other thing is finding a girl who isn't a 'church girl' but is also saved. The church girl vibe really doesn't work for me, and in fact I'm finding more and more that the church is filled with screwed up people who lie and try to project the image that all is well and they are perfect. I hate it, and would hate to end up dating a girl who is trapped in that type of thinking.
So do you think that I will ever get what I'm looking for? Or am I likely to spend too much time looking and end up being disappointed for the rest of my life? Maybe I should just make a move and wait to see what happens, after all I have almost no idea of what a relationship entails or how it will unfold...
What's your experience with relationships? Are they good? Or do they tend to disappoint? Have you ever found what you're looking for, and did you like it when you found it? Is it what you should have, or is it actually bad for you? What's your opinion?
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As someone who has taken a serious risk recently in the relationship area and has learnt alot (and is still learning alot), I would like to offer some of my opinion.
ReplyDeleteFirstly, there is a difference between the friendship stage and the "friend zone". The friendship stage is the period you spend beforehand getting to know the person and making your mind up about whether you are romantically intrested or not. Its a good thing, and should be counted as very important. In my case, the friend stage was fairly short which has sometimes counted against me.
The "friend zone" on the other hand is not a good thing at all. This is when the girl has decided that she is not interested in you, but wants to be your friend. You on the other hand are interested in her, but stand no chance and are doomed to an everlasting and unsatisfying friendship, constantly wanting more. Rather don't be friends than end up there. Also, it has two main causes. a) She just plain isn't interested or b) you took too long to tell her how you feel and she gave up on you.
Secondly, there is no such thing as a perfect relationship. Things will usually be pretty dream-like and movie-ish in the beginning, but reality will soon strike and something will happen which could put the relationship in jeopardy. This has two sides to it. It sucks while it happens and sometimes, the outcome can suck just as hard. However, if things eventually work out, it could make the relationship even better than before. This is assuming the situation is properly and maturely handled. This may in some ways explain why I am choosing to stick things out with my relationship. I have hope that things will work out and contribute to a stronger relationship.
Lastly, heres what I think about risks. Lets be honest, I took numerous rather serious risks in my current relationship. Some of them have paid off, others have yet to pay off. However, each one was worth its while. The reason being that no matter the outcome of a risk taken, there will always be a lesson to be learnt. You may learn how not to handle a situation. You may learn something about the person. You may learn something about relationships in general. Point is, you will always learn something, which will make you a more efficient risk-taker in the future.
Finally, the one thing I always keep in mind when I take a risk is: If you don't take the risk, you won't reap the reward.
Your experiences are invaluable, and that is one of the things that I fear. If I were to get to being 24, and then decide I want a girlfriend, not having any experience whatsoever would certainly count against me.
ReplyDeleteAs for taking a risk, I agree to an extent. It is silly to take stupid risks, but at the same time if you never take a risk you'll never reap any benefits.
I'm not afraid of taking risks, but I do have a problem with taking silly risks. At the same time, sometimes you need to do something which everyone else things is dumb, because when those risks do pay off, they pay off in a major way and that's awesome.