Fuel

One of the things that I value the most, and that I want the most to find in other people is integrity. Internal consistency and the drive and desire to ensure that this is present and stable across every aspect of a persons' life. This is what drives every inquisition I embark upon. It is what invokes my hatred and what sustains my love. It is what justifies my ruthlessness and what absolves my guilt, and without these unobtainable standards I would not be able to hate myself or love others.

I don't know if anyone else does this, but every time I feel an emotion I freeze. My life is stopped in its tracks as I examine the intricacies of my reasoning: its logic, its motivation, its objective. And if I find that the course of action I am considering is in any way influenced by a strong emotion I almost always put an end to the action all together because I am so afraid of acting out of emotion, and impulse.

The truth is that I view emotion as erratic and for the most part, something to detest. They fly in the face of the characteristic which I desire and respect the most and as a result I condemn the decisions they bring about. But I know that emotion is an integral part of humanity, and there is no way to escape its influence in our lives. In fact, one would not want to escape its influence because that would leave you running forever towards a life you would hate anyway. A life devoid of momentary anything. And yet all this running has lead me into a life where I spend every moment in fear and anxiety, and this has caused me to not be able to view anything with any perspective. It has caused me to detest my feelings of pain and anxiety and it drives me to make decisions that will, without regard for the future benefits, deliver me.

I am stuck in a present which is so caught up in a quest for consistency that in order to ensure it, everything stands still. I live in anxiety, so scared that any decision I make will not be congruent with the rest of my life. So scared that I will hurt. So scared that I will progress emotionally. And the last time that happened I wanted to die so badly that I almost broke a promise I hoped I would never have to confront.

So now I am trying to move forward in a different direction, hoping that if I have a separate life running parallel it will be able to take a different course. One that has no history, one that will be different. But I am scared that it won't be different. I am scared that the DNA that has caused every other aspect of my life to behave in the way it has will be intrinsic in the direction I am now embarking upon, and it too will come to a dead stop as I refuse to move once again.

I have no goals, partially because I have no fuel anyway.