7 Kreuger Street

Had a bit of a rough day today. This afternoon I headed out to my psychologist's rooms in Belville. Andre and I had a good chat, and he suggested that I get my medication looked at again, because I may need a slightly heavier dose on account of the fact that a lot of the time I am really tired these days...

While we were there I started thinking about the depression that I have suffered from over the years. It has ranged from not feeling great, to not having enough energy to get out of bed, and even to a point where on a few occasions I have almost committed suicide.

If you've never been depressed you won't understand it, but it is rather a strange feeling. While nothing is actually wrong, nothing is right either. It doesn't matter how good things are going, it doesn't feel good. It always feels slightly numb, slightly damp. Strange.

I think the worst my depression has ever been was when I had an internal dialog with myself as to how I should kill myself. I was in my room, and then I went to the kitchen and picked up a large knife. Then I started thinking about how I should do it: throat or wrists? But while I was thinking about it, there was another 'person' in my mind saying "Why are you doing this?"

I can't explain it but if you have a thought, that is it. But with this heavy depression it's like there are two independent people both thinking and both arguing about what to do.

For me, everyone has hurdles in their life. Mine is depression. Yours may be migraines, or bad health in general, or a bad habit, but that doesn't mean you can't be successful.

The successful people in life weren't in a position where they didn't have a hurdle, and they weren't just lucky, they were determined. And I think that is the key.

So all I can say is that while I feel like shit now, I am determined. Determined to fulfill my dreams, determined to enjoy my life and determined to give back to my friends, family and the community.