What Are You Doing At The Moment?

So I didn't know what to blog about, so I figured I'd just blog about how I feel right now. To sum it up in one word, disappointed. I'm not sure what exactly is causing me to feel disappointed, but it's how I feel.

Disappointment should theoretically only be brought about when someone's expectations haven't been met, irrespective of how irrational those expectations may be. Now, because I don't know what's caused me to feel disappointed, I need to look at everything that's happened of late, and then asses how they turned out and if I had any expectation as to how I wanted them to turn out. If the two don't match up, that's where the problem probably lies.

The first thing that springs to mind is church. I went to church tonight, and it was a let down of note. You see I've been looking around for a church for a while now, and my top priority is finding a church that actually preaches from the Bible every week. This is proving to be far more difficult that I'd hoped, but I suspect it'll be worth the wait. Anyway, tonight I went to a church that usually does preach from the Bible, but this week [and last week] they didn't really follow the text on any level which made me sad. In fact, not only did the preacher not follow the text, but he spoke a fair amount of shit too. Not great, but not the source of my disappointment, because I don't care enough to make me this disappointed.

I played a few games of dota today, and did fairly well in most of them so I don't think that's the source of my disappointment either.

The other things that have happened were all involving relationships I have, and surprisingly all involve women.

The first is more of a family vibe. My mom and I had a massive debate this afternoon about National Service, which I think is dumb and wrong. She clearly doesn't see it that way. Now, I love a good debate, and will often get fairly worked up, and end up crushing a person because of their views on some or other topic. I don't see it as a personal attack, but rather part of the debate, and this afternoon I crushed my mom pretty badly, and she took offence. I apologised, but I felt a bit bad about it. Possibly a contributing factor, but the reason.

I also had a heavy discussion with Cate [who used to be my father] about our relationship yesterday, and I was very honest about how I saw our relationship before the sex change, and since, and I think that went well. So, probably not the source of the problem either.

The final one has to do with a friendship where I feel as if I have given to this particular person, and while I don't know what I should be expecting in return, I also do expect something, and nothing is forthcoming. It's a strange situation, and I suspect that this is where most of the problem is coming in. I think that my expectations could be a bit high, but possible not unreasonable. At the same time, even if I lowered my expectations they still wouldn't be met at this moment in time.

But because of how the relationship has worked out in the past I don't feel as if I should say anything at all, so I am just going to leave it for now.

I'm still disappointed though, partially in other people's reactions to what I have done and partially in my reaction to what other people have done. And I'm not sure what to do, but I guess it's all part of the journey...