Facing Your Past

So many of you will know that up until recently I have been involved in a church which I am no longer affiliated with. Tonight I am going back to my old small group and I am expecting to have to answer some completely valid questions. Questions like why aren't you involved in the church any more? What changed? Why have you come to this conclusion?

There is nothing wrong with any of these questions but answering them is problematic simply because for me it has been a very long journey, probably about 3 years or so, and to try and explain everything in a way that doesn't alienate people is rather challenging.

You see, I was the perfect boy. I had my blue eyes and blonde hair because I did everthing right first time. I dotted my I's and crossed my T's every time, and I hated it.

But why did I do it? Well, that's a difficult question to answer. I think it had something to do with me buying into a lie that this is how Christianity is lived out. I believed that by devoting all of my time to the church I was elevating myself as a Christian, and was more likely to find the answers to my questions. I believed that what I was doing was the path to find the answers to my questions. But I still don't have the answers.

The truth is that it was also what I thought I had to do in order to be accepted as a friend. I thought that without doing it I couldn't be a Christian and have friends that valued the same things as I did.

And finally I did it because it was comfortable. I got involved when I was 13 years old and did the same thing until I was about 19 or 20. While what I was doing wasn't getting my questions answered, it did give me an escape which was viewed as a good thing, as well as provide me with friends.

But eventually I got tired of not knowing why things were right or wrong, and not being able to explore topics like freewill or any other theological doctrine for that matter. I got tired of hanging out with people who refused to engage in the topics I wanted to explore, and I got tired of doing things I didn't believe were meaningful. I got tired of sacrificing for something I don't believe in.

Most of the time I don't believe in the church, and have felt that way for about 3 or 4 years now. The church doesn't support people in their journey, they provide people with a stereotype to fit into, and if you don't you're seen as a sinner. Now this isn't wrong because it works for some people, but for me it never has worked, and it probably never will.

I'm a clever person, and I love exploring things irrespective of whether they are seen as Christian or Satanic, releveant or irrelevant, meaningful or meaningless, the thought process is what excites me and in the process strengthens my faith.

But where I've come from, that type of thing is looked down on, or so I felt. This may not be the case but it's how I view the situation.

So I no longer buy these lies, that there is one way to live out my faith, or that I have to meet certain requirements in order to change things within a community. That doesn't mean that the church isn't making a difference, it just means that I can't live like that anymore.