Acting Honest

If you follow my blog, you'll probably know that one of the things I value the most is honesty. I don't believe in saying things to hurt someone, but if they ask they're going to get my opinion. I will try and be tactful, but it'll be brutal and raw at times. If you ask me a question I won't lie to you. At the same time, if I ask you a question I expect the same. It's just something I value.

How did I come to believe in honesty so strongly though? Well, about 2 years ago, I was on MXit about 18 hours a day, and a friend of mine was on a lot too. We weren't really brilliant friends at the time, but she and I decided that we would chat to each other and be totally honest. That way we could be a sounding board for each other as well as being able to trust each other because we knew no one had any hidden agenda.

Because of the fact that we decided to just be honest we had one of the best relationships I have ever had with anyone. It was amazing. I could actually trust someone without expecting the worst, and I think she felt the same.

Ever since then I decided that I would be honest with people, and especially my friends. There is however one problem: I am a brilliant actor.

I suffer from depression, but because people don't often ask I don't tell them. And because I don't really want to tell them I act as if nothing is wrong, and I am EXTREMELY good at acting. I have been in situations where I have been suicidal and then went to a friends house and no one has been any the wiser.

I can lie with a straight face, and give nothing away. My breathing doesn't change, I don't sweat, my pupils don't dilate. I'm brilliant at it. The other thing is that I know exactly how to laugh in a convincing manner, and when to laugh so as not to create suspicion.

For me it is strange that while I can be suffering from paralysing depression, I can portray myself so well, no one will ever pick it up.

So my problem is this: am I being a hypocrite?

I demand total honesty from those around me, and you can ask me anything about anything [I'm serious about that, ask anything] and I will answer you honestly, but when it comes to my behavior as a mirror to my emotions I am the best liar I know.

I think that part of my acting is hiding my emotions. If I pretend they're not there, I don't need to confront them. It isn't right but it's what I do. Personally I don't want to change, and I don't think I will. It isn't a problem for me, and I'd rather pretend things are great, and not have to confront emotions than be a wreck all the time.

So what's your opinion? Am a hypocrite? Or am I just normal? Where do you fall into the mix? Are you honestly reflecting your soul, or are you portraying yourself as you wish you were?

I doubt you can lie as well as I can, to yourself or others...