Shallowness

Salam malakim. As I'm sure you've all noticed I haven't blogged in a while, partially because I've been working quite a bit as a Butler, partially because my internet has been permafucked for a while and mostly because I've been thinking about quite a bit in a fair amount of depth.

I've been thinking about quite a few things, but for some reason the topic of love and romance has been rather high on my list of thoughts of late, probably due to the fact that quite a few of my friends have encountered love on some level recently.

Anyway, today isn't about that because I have quite a bit of thinking still to do before I can start formulating any sort of theorem on how all the different levels of love fit together, but today I've been thinking about how things in my life have changed of late.

I saw some pictures of myself on the good book today from about 2 months ago, and I looked like shit. Like, I really looked bad. And now I look pretty good I think. So, what's changed?

Well, I got a hair cut. It's not long anymore, and quite a few people think it's cool. I don't really know but I think it looks better. I've got some facial hair but I don't know how much of a difference that has made, but the really big difference is that I've lost a lot of weight. Like quite a few kgs. But the weird thing is that I haven't done anything different, I've just lost weight.

Because my diet hasn't really changed other than I eat more pizza at the moment, I can only conclude that the reason for my weight loss is the fact that I am no longer on my anti depressants.

If you didn't know this, I was on some fairly strong meds and as a result my body decided that it would be wise to pick up a fair amount of weight. It was rather irritating, particuarly because no matter what I did I couldn't lose much weight. Now that I'm off them I feel and look better.

I was talking to a wonderful man the other day, and he too has had some problems with depression. And this man said that he feels much better because he isn't on his meds anymore either. Not that the depressions is any better or worse, but he feels better because he now knows that when he feels shit it's because he feels shit. And if he feels good it's because he feels good. It's not because the meds are regulating his life, or doing anything weird to his body. It's because that's what he's feeling.

And I can identify with that feeling. Yesterday I woke up and felt awful. But I knew that while my feelings were unfounded they were my feelings. Not a chemical induced emotion, but my emotions. And that's surprisingly comforting irrespective of what you are feeling.

So yes, I've lost weight and I feel better about the fact that I look better. But I guess that's almost inconsequential next to the fact that the emotions I feel now are my own, and not because of all the chemicals I am / was pumping into my body to regulate something that no one could explain or fully understand.

I would like to use this opportunity to thank the aforementioned wonderful man for being such a great guy and I would like to thank my friends for being great people and encouraging me irrespective of what emotion I'm feeling.