Moving Toward A Journey

I am 21 years old and I'm scared because I don't have any clue what I want to do with my life. I don't know what my career should be, I don't know what I enjoy and I don't know how I can improve myself. And I'm scared. Very scared.

You see, I don't know what I should be doing this year. My parents want me to study, but I don't know what I should study even if I choose to do so. I need cash to live, but I haven't got a job and I don't know of any particular sector that I'd like to work in. The only thing I know is that I don't want to fall into mediocrity.

What is mediocrity? Well, it's the person who got a job because they didn't know what they wanted to do, and just never moved on. They've got a house and a spouse, kids [NO NO NO] and a mortgage and they are miserable in their job, so the are constantly drained and don't do anything they enjoy and don't even attempt to better their lives. That scares me.

You see, in many ways I am in that position right now. I don't know what I should be doing, and I don't know how to better my life. I just know that I need to find something to get myself moving.

I guess it's easier to steer a moving ship, but finding the right direction to move in is fairly difficult, especially because I've already moved in 3 directions and I'm not sure that any of them are appropriate for me. I didn't enjoy them and I don't know if I will ever enjoy anything because I get bored so easily.

Sometimes I think that falling into mediocrity is inevitable and there is nothing I can do to avoid it. Sometimes I think I should study so I don't have to work, and whatever happens, happens. I know I'm clever enough to get a doctrine in anything I choose, but I would hate to end up doing something that isn't stimulating and for the rest of my life. And then I get scared and I don't do anything.

This approach isn't working for me. But is taking a risk the right thing to do? Is it what will get me jump started and moving in the right direction? Or am I just depressed?

I know that at the moment I sleep about 12 hours a day, and when I'm awake I'm tired and want to sleep more. I feel numb toward most things in life, and I feel like I'm disconnected all the time. Maybe taking a risk at this stage is a bad thing, because I may not be in the right frame of mind.

But at the same time, is there ever a right time? I think not.

All I know is that I feel disconnected and shit, and I don't want to do anything too risky because I don't want to regret it. I can't live through another upset. There's too much happening at the moment for me to be able to walk away unscathed...

At this stage I'm on a journey, and it's very slow and horribly bumpy right now. I guess all I can do is hold on and trust YHVH and myself, that I'll be able to get up and move on irrespective of what happens.