Humanity sold for an imagined experience. Respect lost by all parties involved. Your corpse is not worthy for the dogs to feed on. Even they realise that.
Your ideal is something your soul detests but your desire out weights your very character. Cunts and tits, their scent the driving force for the pain you inflict upon yourself. This self created obsession will never subside, its fire ever yearning for more of your fibre. Feeding it rots what is left of your being, but its worth had deteriorated beyond redemption. The remains of your soul choose not to resist the disappointment it now relies on.
You are less than nothing, and I am hurt by your condition. But the scarring pain is that which you cause the one I love. Their lives mean less to you than the body you sacrifice and for this you should never recover. Neither will I. I only pray they will.
Hate isn't enough to describe this. I am somewhere between screaming and crying.
Monday, February 15, 2010
God Forgive Me
I don't know what this is. I don't know what I feel; what the world around me looks like. I don't know how to respond to it and I wouldn't know what my response looked like if I acted.
"The world around me has taken a turn for the worst,
I'm left alone crawling through the dark.
Should I jump, should I stay, can I make another day?
Should I jump, should I stay?
I am the one who's wrong.
God forgive me"
I don't remember what is around me, and the memory of the light only serves to show me more darkness. The light which is present brings more uncertainty that the hope of a future and as it fades the certainty that none of this will pass becomes the hope a future should never provide. This hope has become part of what I am, and the fear it brings has defined my sanity for longer than I care to admit.
But at least I'm sane. This comfort afforded me is one I will never forget, but the comfort I will never be able to repay is the true tragedy. This comfort I speak of is the one of knowing I am not alone, that she is with me. I don't know what that means a lot of the time but the knowledge trumps any hope I could ever desire to experience.
And yet his darkness is worse, and the pain I cause unforgivable.
I will forget my darkness, and shun my light to stop this pain.
God forgive me.
"The world around me has taken a turn for the worst,
I'm left alone crawling through the dark.
Should I jump, should I stay, can I make another day?
Should I jump, should I stay?
I am the one who's wrong.
God forgive me"
I don't remember what is around me, and the memory of the light only serves to show me more darkness. The light which is present brings more uncertainty that the hope of a future and as it fades the certainty that none of this will pass becomes the hope a future should never provide. This hope has become part of what I am, and the fear it brings has defined my sanity for longer than I care to admit.
But at least I'm sane. This comfort afforded me is one I will never forget, but the comfort I will never be able to repay is the true tragedy. This comfort I speak of is the one of knowing I am not alone, that she is with me. I don't know what that means a lot of the time but the knowledge trumps any hope I could ever desire to experience.
And yet his darkness is worse, and the pain I cause unforgivable.
I will forget my darkness, and shun my light to stop this pain.
God forgive me.
First Encounters Assault Recon
I felt myself begin to break. I felt the stress and I saw the fractures turn into cracks. My mind began to exhibit the strain I struggled to hide from the people I never turn away from. I counted the days until my return to sanity and security, and when the number was up so was mine. Home had deserted me, its comfort has dissipated like the mist on a winter's morning leaving the bite of the cold, and all around me are the bodies of the battle urging me to press on. Has this work been in vain, or am I simply too selfish to give up on a dream I never carried as my own?
As humans we are told we can do anything we want, we are equal to all around us and we must choose our paths. We are told to celebrate our accomplishments as they are what defines us. But if we can all do anything we want, shouldn't we all be doing everything we can? I think that the thing that separates us from the people around us is not our accomplishments, but rather our fears. It is our fears that drive us in a direction because that is all we have left. It is the only way out and the only way in a direction we convince ourselves is forward. But publishing my fears is not what scares me. My failures are the things that I want to keep under wraps, they are the things that I want to keep away from the rest of the world. Because my failures are what show me and everyone around me that not only am I not moving forward, I'm not moving.
Maybe this is my fear.
As humans we are told we can do anything we want, we are equal to all around us and we must choose our paths. We are told to celebrate our accomplishments as they are what defines us. But if we can all do anything we want, shouldn't we all be doing everything we can? I think that the thing that separates us from the people around us is not our accomplishments, but rather our fears. It is our fears that drive us in a direction because that is all we have left. It is the only way out and the only way in a direction we convince ourselves is forward. But publishing my fears is not what scares me. My failures are the things that I want to keep under wraps, they are the things that I want to keep away from the rest of the world. Because my failures are what show me and everyone around me that not only am I not moving forward, I'm not moving.
Maybe this is my fear.
Crude Honesty
"Artists use lies to tell the truth, politicians use them to cover the truth up."
There is something refreshingly honest about crudeness when it is a lie. I think people tend to hear things that are crude and write the person off as being an idiot, or not worth listening to. But those are the people who are being most honest. They are saying the things we all think but are too afraid to say, and they are the ones who we should be paying attention to.
But when those people's crudeness is a lie, that is when their true feelings come out. That is when their souls are exposed instead of their honesty cast out to the world, and therein lies the beauty of a lie. The perception their language creates is the defence their frail characters crave and the safe haven they run to when their need for vulnerability overtakes their terror.
I have a friend who really likes a girl. She really likes him but because of how things have worked out up until now they can't be together. Not now anyway. But they behave as if they are. The other day they were lying in bed watching tv. She was talking about something and he was sick of it. He turned to her and said "Can't you just shut your mouth and open your cunt."
She of course burst out laughing, and wrote it off as him being crude, but this was him expressing his soul's desire. He doesn't want to fuck her, but he does want to tell her he loves her. He wants to tell her how much he wants to be with her, and he can't do it. So he disguises his love in an attack.
But this attack is a lie, the words were a lie. The emotion was not. And I am convinced that her laugh was a lie too. But the interesting thing about a lie is that it provides the teller a picture of honesty they would have never come by any other way. The reaction and emotion invoked by the lie is what the teller is after. And that is worth all the stigma in the world.
There is something refreshingly honest about crudeness when it is a lie. I think people tend to hear things that are crude and write the person off as being an idiot, or not worth listening to. But those are the people who are being most honest. They are saying the things we all think but are too afraid to say, and they are the ones who we should be paying attention to.
But when those people's crudeness is a lie, that is when their true feelings come out. That is when their souls are exposed instead of their honesty cast out to the world, and therein lies the beauty of a lie. The perception their language creates is the defence their frail characters crave and the safe haven they run to when their need for vulnerability overtakes their terror.
I have a friend who really likes a girl. She really likes him but because of how things have worked out up until now they can't be together. Not now anyway. But they behave as if they are. The other day they were lying in bed watching tv. She was talking about something and he was sick of it. He turned to her and said "Can't you just shut your mouth and open your cunt."
She of course burst out laughing, and wrote it off as him being crude, but this was him expressing his soul's desire. He doesn't want to fuck her, but he does want to tell her he loves her. He wants to tell her how much he wants to be with her, and he can't do it. So he disguises his love in an attack.
But this attack is a lie, the words were a lie. The emotion was not. And I am convinced that her laugh was a lie too. But the interesting thing about a lie is that it provides the teller a picture of honesty they would have never come by any other way. The reaction and emotion invoked by the lie is what the teller is after. And that is worth all the stigma in the world.
Update
So, for those of you who don't know I have had a bit of a rough time of late, and I am still trying to figure out what is going on in my mind on most levels. But I have been writing quite a bit, but haven't put any of it up for two reasons.
The first is that what I have been writing of late has been rather morbid and dark, and people probably wouldn't be able to understand most of it without wanting me to be put under suicide watch or something so I thought that the best way to avoid a lot of misunderstanding would be to not communicate at all.
The second reason is that whenever I write something, before I put it up I read it a few times, and I decide if it is what I am wanting to communicate, as objectively as possible. But the truth is that when I am feeling emotionally thin and overwhelmed I struggle to objectify the things around me. So, I felt that I wouldn't be able to objectify what I had written, and rather than trying to and failing I just left it all.
But I don't know if this was the correct approach. So what I am doing now is putting up a lot of what I have written over the last few weeks because I always want push myself to continue writing and being honest with everyone around me. I have taken a lot of it out, because it was very dark, and I have also left quite a bit out because I didn't finish writing it. These are what is left after I finished, and I hope that you can gain a bit of insight into my mind and what I have been thinking, and I hope it will help you in whatever you are trying to figure out.
Jeb
The first is that what I have been writing of late has been rather morbid and dark, and people probably wouldn't be able to understand most of it without wanting me to be put under suicide watch or something so I thought that the best way to avoid a lot of misunderstanding would be to not communicate at all.
The second reason is that whenever I write something, before I put it up I read it a few times, and I decide if it is what I am wanting to communicate, as objectively as possible. But the truth is that when I am feeling emotionally thin and overwhelmed I struggle to objectify the things around me. So, I felt that I wouldn't be able to objectify what I had written, and rather than trying to and failing I just left it all.
But I don't know if this was the correct approach. So what I am doing now is putting up a lot of what I have written over the last few weeks because I always want push myself to continue writing and being honest with everyone around me. I have taken a lot of it out, because it was very dark, and I have also left quite a bit out because I didn't finish writing it. These are what is left after I finished, and I hope that you can gain a bit of insight into my mind and what I have been thinking, and I hope it will help you in whatever you are trying to figure out.
Jeb
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
The Statue
I know what I want to feel. I know what I want to look like, and it isn't what anyone truly desires, but I don't believe I am worth of being desired. The happiness my beauty affords scares me in a way I don't understand and am still learning to give to others.
It is like a beautiful statue carved of marble, left out to be displayed for all to see and appreciate. As time goes on more and more people appreciate the work, the effort and the sacrifice which has made this piece of art what it is but this delay carries a weight the piece will never recover from. Cracks and stains are left on what was intended to be perfection incarnated but as the price of time is paid, the reward of work becomes richer and deeper.
The lost perfection creates character which identifies the appreciation fewer and fewer people feel but the true reward of the intention becomes an engulfing and life changing event that will be echoed through the years of all parties involved.
My degradation is something I enjoy but it's reward is unbearable. So I deny the cracks my feelings are expressing in a selfish act of maintenance. But perhaps these cracks lead to something that will heal my feelings and assure my fear. Perhaps this is my degradation in an unfamiliar format.
"And I can talk, I place pride on tick and tock"
It is like a beautiful statue carved of marble, left out to be displayed for all to see and appreciate. As time goes on more and more people appreciate the work, the effort and the sacrifice which has made this piece of art what it is but this delay carries a weight the piece will never recover from. Cracks and stains are left on what was intended to be perfection incarnated but as the price of time is paid, the reward of work becomes richer and deeper.
The lost perfection creates character which identifies the appreciation fewer and fewer people feel but the true reward of the intention becomes an engulfing and life changing event that will be echoed through the years of all parties involved.
My degradation is something I enjoy but it's reward is unbearable. So I deny the cracks my feelings are expressing in a selfish act of maintenance. But perhaps these cracks lead to something that will heal my feelings and assure my fear. Perhaps this is my degradation in an unfamiliar format.
"And I can talk, I place pride on tick and tock"
Monday, December 28, 2009
Back from the Future
So for those of you who don't know I have been in Joburg since June doing training to become an Air Traffic Controller. As a result of this I have had no life (literally) for the last six months and have spent all my time trying to get back to Cape Town for a weekend at a time. As a result I have neglected lots of things I wish I had not, including my blogging / writing and reading. So now that I have my life back I shall be starting once again.
So, this is my first blog and I am going to write about something you can all choose to disregard as you usually do, namely Chelsea.
This season they started off rather shakily with a new manager and a new system that didn't seem to be working to well. The 'Anchovy' started out with a classic 4-diamond-2 formation with a holding midfielder, two central midfielders and a playmaking midfielder behind two strikers. The fullbacks were encouraged to move into midfield and the midfielders were asked to attack and create attacks to feed the strikers.
There was one major problem with this: Chelsea's midfield has always been a solid, foundational one rather than a talismanic, creative and attacking one which is what the system called for.
This of course is exactly the system played at AC Milan and was never going to work. Then Ancelotti changed to the system to something closer to what I had originally intended, but not quite there. That was, fullbacks coming forward, three central midfielders and three central strikers. The defence would come from the central midfielders and center halves, the attacks would come from the fullbacks and the three central strikers would play a very fluid system with one striker trailing from midfield, moving to the flanks or dropping in late as required.
The system was working well until the Arsenal game a few weeks ago. After that everything went south, and I know exactly why. You see, Chelsea have three problems. First is the most evident at the moment, their midfield.
Just before the Arsenal game Chelsea picked up a few injuries in midfield and because they only have five players to fill three positions they are now playing with at least one, often two semi injured players in midfield. Because of this they are slow and loose, giving away possession easily and not winning it back. This has a knock on effect resulting in the fullbacks not being able to come forward, extra pressure on the central defenders which leads to fouls, the trailing striker having to drop back into midfield and subsequently the two strikers being isolated.
There is no problem with conceding a goal or two in a game, provided you are scoring three. But with the strikers being isolated they aren't scoring and it is proving costly. If they tighten up midfield the fullbacks with come forward, the trailing striker will be able to assist them and attack, and the strikers will be back in the game and the team will score 3 or more a game once again.
This midfield problem is as a result, however, of the second problem which is their current team. There are four players in the team that should not be there, one who is doubtful and quite a few who need to be brought in.
The first problematic player is Kalou. He is a thoroughly average striker in my opinion. I don't know if it is just his confidence or because he is poor or something but he needs to go. He has good off the ball movement but no ability to finish and is by no means any sort of substitute for Drogba or Anelka. The second troublesome player is Deco. He is being used behind the strikers as a trailing striker but he is the most erratic footballer in history. One day everything he does turns into a chance, he scores wonderful goals and does nothing wrong, and then the next three days are dogged with underwhelming performances where he gives possession away every time he touches the ball, can't get a shot on target and in all honest may as well be playing for the other team. I don't know if this is a confidence issue or not, but as he struggles more he drops further and further back into midfield until he may as well be in central midfield and not trying to attack at all. Personally I think this problem could be remedied by playing him in central midfield, possibly at the base of the diamond where he could spray passes around.
The third player who poses a problem is Belletti. A wonderful right back in his day, he is now over it in my opinion. The Anchovy is keeping him because he is a clever player and is versatile because he can play on the right of central midfield, but in my opinion he should go. End of discussion. Finally, the fourth player who is circumspect is Ferriera. He is a good right back, but with Bosingwa and seemingly Ivanovic ahead of him in the pecking order I don't know where he is going to fit in. He should go too.
Once these four players have been sorted out there are a few who need to come in, with a healthy balance of youth. With Chelsea's system changing to one without wing players a certain amount of change is expected. I think Chelsea are at least one striker 'light' (with Kalou being a fail Drogba and Anelka need cover), they are at least one central midfielder light too (five for three positions, and a defensive player required) and the problem at right back needs to be sorted out. They seem to have three right back players with two being sub par, one being injured and a center half doing a very good job there (Ivanovic), this position needs to be looked at. Either they need to buy a center half so Ivanovic can stay out wide, or they need to buy a right back to play with Bosingwa, sell the two fails and let Ivanovic move back into the center. They also need another attacking midfielder to play with the brilliant Joe Cole, especially because at the moment he is still regaining fitness and form after his long injury, and through all of this the team also need to bring in some youth players, if possible from the academy.
So, here's what I think Chelsea need to do:
Sell - Bellitti, Ferriera, Kalou
Buy - Sergio Aguero, Romleu Lukaku, Lucas Piazon, Jack Rodwell
They need to bring Daniel Sturridge (fast, powerful and strong) and Fabio Borini (clinical striker with wonderful off the ball movement) in as strikers as well as buying Romleu Lukaku (a 17 year old called the new Drogba), and with the three of these players coming in with Drogba, Anelka (both getting on a bit) and Aguero Chelsea will have the best strike force in Europe.
Behind the strikers they should play Joe Cole and Gael Kakuta. Kakuta is ready for the first team in my opinion, passes extremely well and like Joe Cole attacks from deeper back naturally. He is 18 years old and has a lot to learn but with the strike force in front of him, and Anelka or Sturridge able to drop back into this position they will have plenty of cover as well as youth.
In central midfield they need to bring Nemanja Matic and Jacopo Sala through. These are two left and right sided central midfielders respectively, with Sala often playing in the defensive / holding position. They are both technical and solid players able to tackle solidly, pass accurately and provide stability and regulate the tempo of the game which will give the strikers and fullbacks licence to tear around attacking at will.
They should also incorporate Jack Rodwell into this setup in the holding position. Currently at Everton, he could cover for Mikel and Essien during the African Cup of Nations, and would also be able to be dropped into the center half position he is aiming for afterwards. This would mean Chelsea have Lampard, Malouda and Matic on the left. Mikel, Rodwell and Deco in the center. Essien, Ballack and Sala on the right. Later on they can bring McEachran in as a more attacking and creative left footed central midfielder.
As for defense I think they should leave Ivanovic in at right back with Bosingwa and let Jeffrey Bruma come through in the central midfield position. They should have Ashley Cole and Yury Zhirkov at left back and Terry, Alex and Carvalho in at central midfield. The team should bring Michael Mancienne and Sam Hutchison through for the central defense too. They will need to look at attacking fullbacks though for the future. I think they should choose wing players from the academy and bring them in.
So, overall they need to sell three players, buy four and bring quite a few youth through. There is one problem though. The Anchovy doesn't want to buy, so he is trying to bring through the youth quickly. But with all the pressure on him with the side not performing at the moment I don't know how much longer he will be around. Guus may be closer than we all think...
So, this is my first blog and I am going to write about something you can all choose to disregard as you usually do, namely Chelsea.
This season they started off rather shakily with a new manager and a new system that didn't seem to be working to well. The 'Anchovy' started out with a classic 4-diamond-2 formation with a holding midfielder, two central midfielders and a playmaking midfielder behind two strikers. The fullbacks were encouraged to move into midfield and the midfielders were asked to attack and create attacks to feed the strikers.
There was one major problem with this: Chelsea's midfield has always been a solid, foundational one rather than a talismanic, creative and attacking one which is what the system called for.
This of course is exactly the system played at AC Milan and was never going to work. Then Ancelotti changed to the system to something closer to what I had originally intended, but not quite there. That was, fullbacks coming forward, three central midfielders and three central strikers. The defence would come from the central midfielders and center halves, the attacks would come from the fullbacks and the three central strikers would play a very fluid system with one striker trailing from midfield, moving to the flanks or dropping in late as required.
The system was working well until the Arsenal game a few weeks ago. After that everything went south, and I know exactly why. You see, Chelsea have three problems. First is the most evident at the moment, their midfield.
Just before the Arsenal game Chelsea picked up a few injuries in midfield and because they only have five players to fill three positions they are now playing with at least one, often two semi injured players in midfield. Because of this they are slow and loose, giving away possession easily and not winning it back. This has a knock on effect resulting in the fullbacks not being able to come forward, extra pressure on the central defenders which leads to fouls, the trailing striker having to drop back into midfield and subsequently the two strikers being isolated.
There is no problem with conceding a goal or two in a game, provided you are scoring three. But with the strikers being isolated they aren't scoring and it is proving costly. If they tighten up midfield the fullbacks with come forward, the trailing striker will be able to assist them and attack, and the strikers will be back in the game and the team will score 3 or more a game once again.
This midfield problem is as a result, however, of the second problem which is their current team. There are four players in the team that should not be there, one who is doubtful and quite a few who need to be brought in.
The first problematic player is Kalou. He is a thoroughly average striker in my opinion. I don't know if it is just his confidence or because he is poor or something but he needs to go. He has good off the ball movement but no ability to finish and is by no means any sort of substitute for Drogba or Anelka. The second troublesome player is Deco. He is being used behind the strikers as a trailing striker but he is the most erratic footballer in history. One day everything he does turns into a chance, he scores wonderful goals and does nothing wrong, and then the next three days are dogged with underwhelming performances where he gives possession away every time he touches the ball, can't get a shot on target and in all honest may as well be playing for the other team. I don't know if this is a confidence issue or not, but as he struggles more he drops further and further back into midfield until he may as well be in central midfield and not trying to attack at all. Personally I think this problem could be remedied by playing him in central midfield, possibly at the base of the diamond where he could spray passes around.
The third player who poses a problem is Belletti. A wonderful right back in his day, he is now over it in my opinion. The Anchovy is keeping him because he is a clever player and is versatile because he can play on the right of central midfield, but in my opinion he should go. End of discussion. Finally, the fourth player who is circumspect is Ferriera. He is a good right back, but with Bosingwa and seemingly Ivanovic ahead of him in the pecking order I don't know where he is going to fit in. He should go too.
Once these four players have been sorted out there are a few who need to come in, with a healthy balance of youth. With Chelsea's system changing to one without wing players a certain amount of change is expected. I think Chelsea are at least one striker 'light' (with Kalou being a fail Drogba and Anelka need cover), they are at least one central midfielder light too (five for three positions, and a defensive player required) and the problem at right back needs to be sorted out. They seem to have three right back players with two being sub par, one being injured and a center half doing a very good job there (Ivanovic), this position needs to be looked at. Either they need to buy a center half so Ivanovic can stay out wide, or they need to buy a right back to play with Bosingwa, sell the two fails and let Ivanovic move back into the center. They also need another attacking midfielder to play with the brilliant Joe Cole, especially because at the moment he is still regaining fitness and form after his long injury, and through all of this the team also need to bring in some youth players, if possible from the academy.
So, here's what I think Chelsea need to do:
Sell - Bellitti, Ferriera, Kalou
Buy - Sergio Aguero, Romleu Lukaku, Lucas Piazon, Jack Rodwell
They need to bring Daniel Sturridge (fast, powerful and strong) and Fabio Borini (clinical striker with wonderful off the ball movement) in as strikers as well as buying Romleu Lukaku (a 17 year old called the new Drogba), and with the three of these players coming in with Drogba, Anelka (both getting on a bit) and Aguero Chelsea will have the best strike force in Europe.
Behind the strikers they should play Joe Cole and Gael Kakuta. Kakuta is ready for the first team in my opinion, passes extremely well and like Joe Cole attacks from deeper back naturally. He is 18 years old and has a lot to learn but with the strike force in front of him, and Anelka or Sturridge able to drop back into this position they will have plenty of cover as well as youth.
In central midfield they need to bring Nemanja Matic and Jacopo Sala through. These are two left and right sided central midfielders respectively, with Sala often playing in the defensive / holding position. They are both technical and solid players able to tackle solidly, pass accurately and provide stability and regulate the tempo of the game which will give the strikers and fullbacks licence to tear around attacking at will.
They should also incorporate Jack Rodwell into this setup in the holding position. Currently at Everton, he could cover for Mikel and Essien during the African Cup of Nations, and would also be able to be dropped into the center half position he is aiming for afterwards. This would mean Chelsea have Lampard, Malouda and Matic on the left. Mikel, Rodwell and Deco in the center. Essien, Ballack and Sala on the right. Later on they can bring McEachran in as a more attacking and creative left footed central midfielder.
As for defense I think they should leave Ivanovic in at right back with Bosingwa and let Jeffrey Bruma come through in the central midfield position. They should have Ashley Cole and Yury Zhirkov at left back and Terry, Alex and Carvalho in at central midfield. The team should bring Michael Mancienne and Sam Hutchison through for the central defense too. They will need to look at attacking fullbacks though for the future. I think they should choose wing players from the academy and bring them in.
So, overall they need to sell three players, buy four and bring quite a few youth through. There is one problem though. The Anchovy doesn't want to buy, so he is trying to bring through the youth quickly. But with all the pressure on him with the side not performing at the moment I don't know how much longer he will be around. Guus may be closer than we all think...
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