Interlocking Sleeves

At the moment I'm working on a longer blog entry which will explain my view on how Christianity and swearing, smoking and drinking fit together. I'm sure you'll all find this rather interesting, but for now you'll have to be satisfied with today's blog.

So, what is today's blog about? Well, today's blog is more about subtle messages than anything else really. I'm sure you all know that I am, and have for a few years now been seeing a psychologist every week or two. What you may not know is that when I was younger I was one of the most emotionally tender children you would have ever met, and to some extent that part of me is still alive and well.

You see, when I feel emotion I don't really feel it, I experience it. It engulfs me on a level I can't really explain. I literally experience pain when I feel emotion. And I think that as I child found this experience overwhelming and learned to shut it out at a fairly early stage.

Because of this, I think that I've become someone who thinks more than is healthy and avoids emotion. When I do experience emotion it cuts me, leaving scars which serve as a reminder as to why I don't venture into this territory. Instead, I try to understand emotion by rationalising it on a level it's not designed to operate on.

Because of this emotional hypersensitivity I don't engage emotionally with my mom or Cate. It's just too painful. I'm not sure if either of them have ever understood me but I know that I don't understand their actions, or the way they have dealt with the situation that they have been presented with. Their decisions have been their own, but not without consequences. And one of those consequences is my inability to ever connect with them ever again. I love my mom, and Cate is a good person, but I will never be able to do any more than converse with them ever again.

Because of this barrier, I have lost my family. But, in the words of Chris Martin, everything's not lost. I have gained a group of people with whom I feel completely comfortable. I don't feel as if I should be doing something special, I just need to be myself. These people are my friends, and they are the best group of people I've ever encountered. I would do anything for my friends, and I believe they feel the same way about me.

Now I'm sure that this all sounds overly dramatic, but it's the way I feel. If you disagree, it's my blog so fuck off. All I can say is that when my friends cry, so do I. And tonight I feel like crying, so I wanted to tell them what they mean to me.