Encounters With The Third Kind

World Cup

2010-06-14T14:55:00.000-07:00

Right, so I know this is late but I've been saying this for a while. Just haven't published it until now...

Spain and Brazil will make the final, Spain to win.

Germany will make the quarters, in my opinion but Argentina will make it past them to the semis, along with England.

I think England would have been at least 100% stronger if they had Bobby Zamora. He could do the same job as Emile Heskey, except he'd score goals too. Sounds weird, but that's my opinion.

Here are who I want Chelsea to sign:

Igor Akinfeev (goalkeeper to replace Henrique Hilaro)

Gregory van der Wiel (Right back to replace Juliano Belletti)

Romelu Lukaku (Striker for the future, similar to Drogba in build and style of play)

Fernando Torres (...)

I'd like it if they played in a 4-2-1-3 formation, but I shall discuss this more in future.

Untied (This one's for Gareth)

2010-04-24T06:10:00.000-07:00

I often speak about Chelsea, and there is much to think about with the Anchovy declaring that next season there will be at least five youth academy players in the squad replacing current first team players (those being Jeffrey Bruma, Patrick van Aanholt, Nemanja Matic, Gael Kakuta and Fabio Borini) but today I'd like to explore Manchester Untied's transfer options.

The first problem which comes to mind is Owen Hargreaves. That man has been dead to the world for almost two years now. He's a wonderful football player but you have to wonder if he'll ever come back at this rate. Everyone has been hearing about how he's been recovering from his knee surgeries but this week he broke down in training with a calf strain which will delay his recovery again. Needless to say he won't be playing this season, and will hopefully be ready for pre season in July. His injury does however cause a headache for transfers. The team can't really go on without him, but there's no point in buying another player if he's going to come back into the team leaving one of the other on the sidelines.

Ideally the midfield would consist of two positions, with two players per position, those being Carrick, Fletcher, Hargreaves, Scholes and Gibson. I'm counting Scholes and Gibson as one person because the team want to 'ease' Scholes out and 'ease' Gibson in. There has been much talk of United buying James Milner, and personally I think that would be a fantastic buy. He fits their style of play well, he could work on the wing or in central midfield and I think he'd be perfect cover for Darren Fletcher. But if Hargreaves comes back in, there would be too many in there for it to work.

Unless, they actually changed their formation to one which had three central midfielders. One of their big problems this season, in my opinion, has been their formational changing. They have sometimes played with two up front and sometimes they've dropped someone into midfield. I don't know why they've been doing it because it is only half working in both instances. Rooney seems to play better with someone else to help him (a traditional 4-4-2), but their midfield has been weak for all kinds of reasons, so they've tried three in there (sometimes a 4-3-2-1 and sometimes a 4-2-3-1). But it just isn't working. They still aren't retaining possession: that's been their biggest problem this season.

I think they need to choose a formation, and stick to it. Make it work for them in exactly the same way they always have in the past (and indeed all top performing teams tend to) and create some more stability. But their midfield hasn't been the only reason for the formational changes, Berbatov has been a massive problem too.

I read an article a few weeks ago written by Gary Lineker in which he argued that United need many more strikers. He stated that someone who worked for Spurs expressed concern about Berbatov's ability to survive the mental pressure of being a United striker, and being expected to score goals every week. It seems as if that man was spot on, because Berbatov has not performed since moving and it isn't because he's become a horrid football player. I think he just can't cope with the pressure.

And Ferguson not trusting him isn't helping. But you can't blame the manager, the Count just isn't scoring goals. So is replacing him the answer? No. Not in my opinion. I think he just needs the pressure relieved a bit and that can be accomplished by the club buying a top striker, David Villa for example, who can play alongside Rooney and Berbatov and take some pressure of both of them. That way he will be able to play most weeks, but without as much pressure to score because there is someone else to take some of that pressure too.

The other thing to consider is that with three strikers to choose from, it would also leave space for young strikers like Wellbeck and Hernandez to come through. You may be saying "three, but you've forgotten about Michael Owen." Well, I haven't. I think that man should be released to race his horses. He's been mostly useless to the club and everyone else this season. He has scored goals, but he's injured for literally more time than he plays. And that just won't do for a club like Manchester United.

So, Rooney, Villa and Berbatov up front with Wellbeck and Hernandez coming through sounds good. And provided he gets fit, Hargreaves, Carrick, Fletcher, Gibson and Scholes in the center. But what of the wings? Well, Nani is about as consistent as a badly raked patch of gravel while Valencia is the epitomy of what United are looking for and Giggs is on his way out. It seems as if there may be a few problems there. So, before we look at who might be brought in we need to look at anyone coming through. There are three names that come to mind: Tosic, Macheda and Obertan.

Of these three, two look exceptionally promising while Tosic has gone out on loan and has done rather well. The problem here is that these guys need to come through next season. There is no more time to waste. Nani needs to find a way to perform at a good level every week, while Valencia just needs to keep on tearing the right wing up. Obertan needs to pull through on the left, Macheda on the right and Tosic needs to make an impact somewhere.

With that in mind, is there any space for anyone else to be bought? To be honest, I don't know. I don't really think so but I do think that the guys that are there need to make an impact, fast. There is one other problem and his name is Park. The Sweatshop has been played as an attacking midfielder as well as a wing, and I don't really know where he works best. For now I think he should be kept as a utility player, and moved around as injuries dictate.

With the wings, central midfield and the strikers looking good and only one buy so far, we move onto the defence. The team have a good few defenders: Ferdinand (who is perma injured and exceptionally over rated in my opinion), Vidic, Evans, Smalling (new buy for the center), De Laet, Brown, Rafael, Fabio, O'Shea and of course the best left back in the world, Evra. In that collection I think the team have enough good players that if some of them can keep fit (Ferdinand and Brown) there should be no problems.

So, the last position to consider is the other one which I think is a big problem. Goalkeeper. Van der Sar is fantastic but Foster and Kuszczak are woeful. I think that this position will take some planning and investment because I don't think releasing Kuszczak is the answer but perhaps getting rid of Foster is. And there is a need for Van der Sar to be replaced, by someone world class. Lloris has been spoken about, and after his performance for Lyon against Bayern Munich his stock can only have risen. He's a good age, mid 20's as far as I'm aware, and I think with him slotting into goal and Van der Sar dropping to second choice, it would allow a smooth transition. Next season perhaps another can be bought or brought through, but this one could go lots of different ways.

At the end of the day, I think this has been United weakest seasons for a while, and at times they've looked quite poor but the truth is that they've been building for the future for two seasons now and I think it is time for some of those younger players to come through, and relieve the older legs. If things go according to plan, and the team get just a little lucky when it comes to injuries I think they'll have a fantastic squad for next season.

Midfield Magnet

2010-04-17T04:54:00.000-07:00

This week's game against Bolton confirmed my idea that Chelsea and Carlo Ancelotti require a midfield playmaker for success. It is his way, and now it is their way. Jose Mourinho did not want the team to ever require a player in the team for success, and as a result he played a system which never really utilised a traditional playmaker but the Anchovy has in the past and continues to do so. At AC Milan he played Pirlo deep in midfield, and then Kaka further forward doing a similar thing in a different way. And with him as Chelsea's manager, they will need to do the same thing.

In fact, their success at the beginning of the season was dependant on Deco's performance, as a playmaker behind the strikers. At some stage Deco picked up a few knocks and didn't play as well as he had, and the results reflected as much. Then he was injured and the team were eventually forced to change their formation. He came back but was played deeper in midfield, and this worked very well until he was injured once again, and once again the team went through a difficult time. Recently he has come back from injury and the results have picked up drastically.

There is however one major problem with Deco. He is old and susceptible to injury, and while he provides the team with some culture they need more. As a result I think that Chelsea NEED a quality playmaker for next season, I think Rafael van der Vaart would be a good buy, as well as to bring through Gael Kakuta for the position. With a more traditional playmaker in midfield, given the freedom to roam and dictate the team's play, wingbacks on either side allowing the wing strikers to move inside and be playmakers themselves the team would have a very fluid but tactically sound approach to the game which would be focused on zonal pressure and attacking play.

Control midfield with two central midfielders, put three strikers up front, wingbacks to patrol the flanks and allow a playmaker to do whatever the fuck he chooses wherever he wants. Job done.

Transfers

2010-04-07T10:01:00.000-07:00

The first signing of the new season and subsequent transfer window has been made: Arsenal have (finally) signed Chamakh. The prospect of clubs buying and selling always pushes people all over towards thinking about all kinds of deals they think would be best for their club. Another striker or another attacking midfielder? Who should play alongside their star center half? Who would be the perfect holding midfielder? Everyone thinks they know what their team needs, and they think they know who would be perfect for the position.

But I don't think that realistically, most people actually have the bigger picture in mind. As a Chelsea fan, I think I know who they should bring in, and who should go but the truth is that it would be very easy to bring in big players for what I want, and not get what the club actually need. So here's what I think can realistically happen and why...

As I have said before, the core of the team is good, but they need some brilliance to make the difference so that the team can win the prize they desire more than anything else: the Champion's League. In order for this to work, the team needs to become the Anchovy's. And this can only happen when the Anchovy decides how he wants the team to play, and then decided who he'd like to play, and how and where and buys accordingly.

A lot has been said of late about character and identity, and the club not only finding theirs but also enforcing it in the same way like clubs like Manchester United, Arsenal, Inter Milan and Barcelona do. Now there is a lot that goes into the identity of a team, and Chelsea has been seen as not having an identity which I don't think is entirely true. In fact, part of the problem that the manager has been facing is that the formation he wanted to play (the diamond) did not fit with the way the team played. Granted a formation does not define the way a team plays but it does facilitate it. Arsenal's fluid and attacking style of football probably wouldn't work in anything but a 4-3-3, and while Barcelona have recently tried to play more of a 4-4-2 with Messi playing off Ibrahomovic and the left back moving into the wing while being supported by the third midfielder, their predisposition towards zonal pressure and compact team movement means it is actually more of a 4-2-3-1. In the case of Barcelona, their identity is based on attacking and fluid football which is unobtrusively obsessed with possession, and because everyone from their center halves to their strikers try to play inside the penalty area no formation could ever curtail or expand their desire to score as many goals as possible.

Chelsea have, for a while now, been based on the Dutch attacking 4-3-3 system with an extremely strong midfield, a lethal striker and creativity and pace coming off the wings and fullbacks. Mourinho's obsession with controlling the game meant that they often let their opponents make the first and changed accordingly to ensure that they first neutralised their opponents in the most clinical way possible, and then won the game by making their attacking gameplan work. This obsession also meant that the team were always focused on balance too, and that is probably one of their greatest strengths.

Now, the Anchovy is attempting to change this to a certain extent in that he is trying to inject more creativity and flair into midfield and in doing so the team are playing more attacking football. And this is great because it also means that the team are far more balanced in their general movement. He is also trying to get the attacks to start from the back, and the defence to start from the front and has made the entire team move more which means that they stay more compact. But this has only worked to a certain extent and the truth is that in order for this to work effectively the team need to buy a few more players who will fit into the new style of play.

But one can only buy when one knows how the team will line up in the future, and that is directly affected by who is currently available and how they line up. In the past I have spoken about the conundrums that Chelsea need to solve before the team can move forward: Anelka and Drogba, Malouda and Lampard and finally Joe Cole. But these can only be solved once a formation has been decided: Diamond or Dutch 4-3-3. And before this is decided it would be prudent to examine who the team will be inheriting from the youth academy, which is hoping to become as prolific as Barcelona's in the future.

So, who will be becoming available shortly?
Gael Kakuta - A number 10 attacking midfielder able to play on the wings or behind the strikers. He caused a lot of hype and has looked to be brilliant but I guess only time will tell if he does live up to his hype. Looking like he will though. Will be in the squad next season.

Daniel Sturridge - Bought from Manchester City this season and is looking to be a great leading man. Strong, fast and powerful, makes direct and driving runs like Drogba does and is not afraid to shoot. Has already scored a few goals in the FA Cup, and is also English. Not sure about him yet to be honest, but I think playing him on the right is a good idea because he's a left footed player.

Fabio Borini - He is Inzaghi. Plays off the last defender, clinical shot with great movement and link up play. I fear he may not be physically strong enough because he is quite young and small but that doesn't mean he can't make it. Should maybe play on the right wing moving inside, and shooting. Very fast with fantastic off-the-ball movement.

Marco Mitrovic - A tall and athletic Swede who is technically excellent. Bears a remarkable resemblance to Ibrahimovic, with fantastic movement up front. Leads the line exceptionally well, and brings others into the play. Still only 17, so given a few years he, Borini and Sturridge are quite possibly the future of Chelsea's attacking force. A rather daunting prospect for any opposition.

Nemanja Matic - Bought at the beginning of this season, Matic started out as a left sided central midfielder. He's rather strong and technically great. Moved by the Academy (at the Anchovy's request) to a holding role, he will be in the squad next season. And, I wouldn't be surprised if he steals Mikel's starting position because he is more comfortable going forwards as well as being strong sitting deep, passing and winning headers. And Essien-like player, on the left hand side I guess.

Jeffrey Bruma - Also going to be in the squad as of next season. A Dutch center half who started out as an attacking midfielder. Solid in defence and is very comfortable on the ball. Also rather good at free kicks, as his hero (apparently) used to be Gerrard. Looks to be VERY good and has already made a few first team appearances, with reasonable success.

Patrick van Aanholt - An attacking and technical left back. Went on loan to Newcastle for two months where he held down a position in the starting lineup. Has made two substitute first team league appearances and has looked a little reserved but still strong. Put in a few great crosses, and is a good defender. Likely to be in the squad next season, and played as a view to replace Ashley Cole eventually.

Connor Clifford - Plays on the left hand side of midfield, and is a fantastic central midfielder with a really high work rate. Scores a good number of goals, especially quite a few long range drives, with is really impressive. Currently the captain of the youth team. Strikes me as being similar to Lampard in that he does a lot really well, including attacking and defending. Probably only be in the team in a year or two.

Kaby - The perfect cross between Frank Lampard and Michael Essien, equally comfortable moving forwards and defending with a fantastic passing range. Enforces well, and in the youth team he and Clifford support McEachran to move in and out of space as required, while staying deep enough to cover for the overlapping fullbacks.

Josh McEachran - A wonderful 16 year old who has the same sort of attacking play as Kakuta. Brilliant at running a game from midfield. In the youth team he attacks from central midfield, and drifts from side to side playing defence splitting passes as well as moving into space to score. Fantastic left foot. Is also an English player, which is a major plus for the club. Will also only be in the team in a few years time, probably.

Jacopo Sala - A fantastic right footed attacking wing midfielder / striker. Very technically good. Fast, athletic and great with link up play. Tends to move inside to play off the striker.

Goukan Tore - Left footed attacking wing midfielder / striker. Also technically good with an equally matched propensity to drift inside and link up with the striker. Tall and strong, wins headers well.

Right, so after that we should consider how those players are used. The Academy play a 4-3-3 with three strikers up front, one leading the line and an attacking midfielder playing behind the striker, sometimes dropping off and bringing a central midfielder in and other times pushing forwards into the box. Everything runs through that player, with the wings moving inside and outside as they are played into space by the AM. There are two defensive / central midfielders playing on either side who cover for the wingbacks, both of whom are effectively midfielders who get forward and either cut inside or overlap to cross and link up play. The central midfielders and the center halves run the game while the outside players come forward and inside to attack.

This system seems to work rather well, partially because it is / was similar to what the club played in the first team and partially because it is very attacking with lots of emphasis on technical ability, tactical understanding and positioning and fast and decisive passing. These are the elements that the club's identity is based on. With this in mind the Anchovy needs to decide on a system for next season so he can buy and sell accordingly.

Now, at the beginning he wanted a diamond which worked for Drogba and Anelka and didn't work for Lampard, Malouda and Joe Cole. Deco seemed indifferent, and for the most part the fullbacks, center halves and holding midfielder were not affected. The system was then changed to a 4-3-3 which worked for Lampard, Malouda, Joe Cole, Drogba OR Anelka (meaning not both at the same time) and again the defence was not affected. Then the system was altered a bit to be more of a 4-2-3-1 and this worked for everyone including Deco but excluding the holding midfielders (because they are required to play more like central midfielders) and Drogba OR Anelka.

Now, the temptation to revert to the diamond is once again raised because it clearly was the Anchovy's preferred system at Milan, and what he wanted at Chelsea. But the truth is that it was never going to work because of the players he has. At Milan the Anchovy played a Deco style player at the base of the diamond who sprayed passes around with no pressure on himself because he sat so deep. Then there were two attacking wing players who moved out wide to cross, and moved inside to defend. The fullbacks overlapped to create additional width but retreated into their own halves at the first sign of danger. There were two target men in the box, and an attacking midfielder played behind them to link the midfield when the wing players were being pushed back, as well as to create a threat from deep. Kaka performed this role perfectly.

Problem is that there are not enough of the right type of player at Chelsea to do that. They do have two fantastic strikers, but no one to play behind them, only one player can sit deep and distribute (Deco) but his propensity NOT to defend is a problem. Malouda can operate from deep and move outside, but there is no one to do this on the right hand side. To be honest, I think it would take too much adjustment to play this formation because it would mean bringing in another left sided attacking winger, two right sided attacking wingers, hope that Joe Cole can regain form and play behind the strikers with Kakuta being the backup, and something drastic would have to change with players possibly working at the base of the diamond. And then you would be leaving Lampard and Ballack out which would be a problem. And then the youth team has a lot of players who may not be able to fit into this formation...

The most viably option seems, in my opinion to play the 4-2-1-3 formation that the youth team are already playing. That way players will come through and slot perfectly into their positions, with the experience current players are providing. It is, of course, his choice and so I will outline what I think is a problem and then who should be brought in to fix the problem.

Goalkeepers:

The truth is that while Cech is great and Turnbull looks like a good number three goalkeeper, Hilaro is also a number three goalkeeper. And Chelsea need another number one goal keeper to compete with Cech for his starting position. I would bring in someone who can play as a number one and push Cech for his position. Chelsea have a few young keepers but I don't know if any of them are good enough. For that reason I would suggest releasing Hilaro and bringing in Igor Akinfeev who is a fantastic keeper playing for CSKA Moscow. I'm sure with Abramovic's connections he could make a deal happen.
- Cech, Akinfeev, Turnbull

Defence:

In terms of defence, the team are pretty solid. I don't think Terry is going anywhere anytime soon and I think Carvalho will be used less and less over the next season or two but will most likely stay on for a while. Ivanovic is fantastic, and plays in the center or on the right and Alex is, in my opinion, much better than Terry or Carvalho. In fact, I'd like to see Ivanovic and Alex played in the center and see what happens. And with Carvalho with one foot out the door, and Bruma coming through the central defence is well populated.

Left back is sorted with Ashley Cole and Yury Zhirkov being, in my opinion, two of the best left backs in the world. In fact, I think that will be excellent because I think that Zhirkov will be pushing A Cole for his position all the way and that is fantastic. And of course there will be van Aanholt pushing for a position in the starting lineup. I would not be surprised to see Zhirkov played in midfield a few times just to make space for van Aanholt.

Right back is a bit of a problem. With no youth coming through the current options are Bosingwa, Bellitti and Ferriera. Now, I would like to see Bellitti go on seen as his contract is pretty much up, and I am not sure the club would kepe Ferriera on. At the very least they need to bring another young right back in, and if they don't let Ferriera go they need to bring a very good 20 - 23 year old in. No clue who though to be honest but they need to do some shopping around.
- Zhirkov, A Cole, van Aanholt
- Terry, Alex, Ivanovic, Carvalho, Bruma
- Bosingwa, Ferriera, (young right back)

Midfield:

Midfield will consist of two central midfielders and an attacking midfielder. If we assume that the younger players are coming through well, then there isn't too much buying to do. If the Anchovy decided to buy and play someone and Kakuta in the attacking midfield position then the other two positions can be filled by Lampard, Ballack, Essien and Mikel who are currently in the first team. Nemanja Matic will be coming through and I think he may well steal Mikel's position from him but the risk is the age gap between Lampard and Ballack and Connor Clifford and Kaby. If the two of them can start coming through (with Josh McEachran making a few appearances too) then the midfield will be extremely strong. Otherwise it will be stretched thin. I think a wise buy for the 'someone' would be Rafael van der Vaart. He is more disciplined than Joe Cole but could also play on the right wing, he would be a good playmaker at the right age and with him and Kakuta in midfield the strikers would be extremely difficult to stop.

- Lampard, Ballack, (Clifford), (Kaby)
- Essien, Matic, Mikel
- van der Vaart, Kakuta, (McEachran)

Forwards:

I would keep Malouda on the left and alternate between playing Drogba and Anelka in the center depending on what you are looking for with Joe Cole on the right. Between the central striker, wings and attacking midfielder I think there would be plenty of chance creation going on. I have left out Kalou's name on purpose: I think the team should sell him. He is erratic and probably not good enough anyway. With Sturridge and Borini in the squad there is plenty of firepower in terms of creativity, pace, power and precision up front. And of course Mitrovic is coming through to be able to take over from Drogba and Anelka as the man to lead the line with Sala and Tore available in a year or two to take over from Malouda and Joe Cole as 'creative', attacking midfielders supporting the striker(s).
- Malouda, Borini, (Tore)
- Anelka, Drogba, (Mitrovic)
- Joe Cole, Sturridge, (Sala)

In the end I'd go with the 4-2-1-3 which facilitates tactical flexibility, strong attacking football with a high tempo and direct and quick passing, and most importantly is balanced. Basically, Chelsea's identity.

Manchester Untied vs Chelsea

2010-03-31T10:44:00.000-07:00

So, the Anchovy faces rather a conundrum. Anelka and Drogba. The entire team play super well with Anelka up front, and the team play fairly well with Drogba up front. But with Drogba in the center and Anelka on the wing things don't go well. They don't really have anyone to play behind the strikers, and they can't afford to leave Malouda out which means the best bet is to go with the standard 4-3-3, and either Drogba or Anelka in the center, Malouda on the left and Joe Cole on the right.

United like to counter attack, and they seem to prefer playing three in the middle, with an attacking midfielder / trailing striker, which means that Chelsea need to be very disciplined in midfield, and Mikel is going to have to cut out as much of the ball going to the attacking midfielder as possible. Fullbacks are, of course, going to have to stick with the wings tightly, because a lot of play seems to come off them and into the striker, who is likely to be Berbatov.

Now, Berbatov is a fantastic striker but he has the lowest work rate in the world and he doesn't seem to be particularly physical. He also doesn't score many long range driving shots. He does, however, have an amazing first touch and a wonderful pedigree, and with wing players who cross well and an attacking sweatshop named Park behind him to feed him in the box, there's every chance his first touch will make sure his second touch buries the ball.

So, what's the game plan? Well, I have an idea as to what I'd do...

First, to deal with Berbatov I would push my center halves up the pitch. Chelsea like to play with the defenders about 10m further forward than anyone else in Europe, which means that they have a compact team movement, but I would say that they need to do that and possibly a little more to make sure that Berbatov not only has to work much harder off the ball but it will also force him into taking long range shots which are not his forte. Mikel will need to have a game like the one he did against Aston Villa, where he was moving across the pitch a lot to cut out passes, so that he can isolate Park. And he'll have to make sure he keeps an eye on Fletcher too, who likes to get forward when he can.

Chelsea's fullbacks are going to need to be careful. If Zhirkov is caught out of position Valencia will punish him, and we know that Nani likes to cut inside a lot. He can't cross though, and Valencia likes to stay outside for the cross. So, the fullbacks will need to push them up the pitch, and then make sure they keep them on the outside to make sure Nani is forced to cross rather than come inside, and Valencia is forced to cross too late or cut inside on his weaker left foot.

I think if Lampard plays forward, and behind the central striker, he will be able to not only close down on Carrick / Scholes but he will also be able to create for the front three strikers. And Ballack or Deco are going to need to have a rather high work rate, and move the ball quickly.

As for the really difficult part, I have a solution which may not seem obvious and hasn't been tried before, but I think it would work: Malouda - Anelka - Drogba. Malouda is playing so very well this season, he will have lots of space to exploit against Neville down the left wing especially because Neville tends to drift inside towards midfield. I'd put Drogba on the right because he really is a big game player, and his propensity to move centrally will come out irrespective of if he is actually in the center or not. So putting him up against Evra, who attacks too much anyway, means that not only will he have space to move, he'll be able to come inside and lose his marker. It also means that rather than being double marked by the two centre halves, he'll only have a fullback to deal with. And I'd play Anelka up front because his movement is just terrific, he strikes clinically when you lest expect it, and when he moves outside he crosses exceptionally well.

With those three up front, particularly with Anelka bringing Malouda and Drogba inside, and Lampard trailing and pouncing on anything in the box that is lose, I think Chelsea will be able to stretch United thinner than they'd hope.

This is also a forerunner for what I'd like to see Chelsea do next year with an attacking midfielder running the show, and three strikers moving and playing off midfield and each other to demolish defences. And with two second strikers and a target man playing in a second striker role, the line will not be so much led as drawn.

The Hard Line

2010-03-19T10:45:00.000-07:00

There has been a shit load of talk about Chelsea since their defeat to Inter Milan at Stamford Bridge. Some saying the team are old and beginning to look like AC Milan currently do, others saying that Roman Abramovich is about to reinvest a massive amount of money. Some saying that The Anchovy's days are numbered, but most of it is transfer speculation. And a lot of it is stupid.

I think that if we've learned anything this season it is that you can't buy success. Real Madrid are perfect evidence of that, and I have no doubt that this lesson has not been lost on anyone at Chelsea. But I do think that the other thing which must be learned is that a team will only perform when they have one leader, and when the team is formed and built by that leader. Inter were rubbish last year, and it was mostly because they were not Mourinho's team. On Tuesday, the following players who were bought this season played: Eto'o, Milito, Pandev, Sneijder, Lucio, Materazzi and Motta. Six of those started while Materazzi was a substitution late on. This is the reason Inter look so strong this year, they are Mourinho's team. Just like Chelsea were.

Now, while it is true that consistency is vital to any team, there also has to be progression and growth and this is the key element which has not been present in Chelsea. I personally think this is because there have been too many coaches, all trying to make their stamp by buying players. As they say, too many cooks spoil the broth. For example, Nicolas Anelka. He is a wonderful striker who is too good to leave out of the team, but he is being played out of position and is subsequently only about a third of as effective as he could be. So, for it to work he and Drogba need to be played up front together, rather than Anelka being left out wide. But this requires a third player to play behind the strikers and while Deco played very well in this position at the beginning of the season he picked up injuries and his form dropped. With Joe Cole being injured and then out of sorts, the only options were Lampard and Malouda.

Both were rubbish. And both were fantastic in a different position, which brings in another conundrum: Malouda. He plays so well out wide on the left hand side, and is only average from central midfield, you have to play him up front. Which means Anelka and Drogba can't play as a pair, and subsequently means Anelka on the right wing. The only other option is a straight 4-4-2, but Malouda plays best as a 'second striker' on the left, and even if he were to be pushed back there is no one to play on the right wing.

There are just too many problems with personnel, and this is because there has been no single leader over the last two years. Grant bought Anelka, Scolari bought Deco and wanted Robinho while Hiddink bought Zhirkov (not directly, but you know what I mean). No one knows who bought Turnbull or Sturridge. Sure the core of the team is still there, but the core of the team is Mourinho's and no manager will ever get them to do what he wants them to do because of that.

The other thing I think has been, and is still a major problem within the team is the fact that because they've been leaderless they have needed to create a leader and that leader has been John Terry. Power has shifted from the manager to the players and this is not healthy. Mostly because as a result of scandal surrounding Terry and others, the players have become divided.

So, what's the solution? Well, I think that this is a time for courage. That sounds dumb but what I mean by that is The Anchovy needs to have the owner's backing, and then needs to take a critical look at the team and make some difficult decisions which will probably be very unpopular with a lot of people. I don't know what he will decide but there are three things I'd do, and then there are a few players I'd buy.

First thing I'd do is sell Didier Drogba. The players seem to think they are invincible and Drogba's bad example in the Champion's League can't be tolerated. He seems to be well respected, so if they hit him everyone in the team will be scared. But the biggest motivation behind his sale is simple: The team play better without him. During the ACN Anelka led the line, Malouda played on the left and Joe Cole on the right and the team ripped Sunderland seven new ones, tore Birminham City (best defence in the league at the time) to bits and crushed everyone else they came up against. With Drogba the team seem to be one dimensional, but with Anelka leading the line they have far move movement up front and the team really do just look better in general.

Second thing I'd do is sell John Terry. He's caused a lot of trouble with this whole Wayne Bridge sex scandal shit, and I think he's divided the dressing room. He also has too much say, in my opinion, and by getting rid of him The Anchovy would not only scare a lot of players but would also draw a line in the sand. And let's be honest, Terry's form has been awful of late. Alex is a better defender, and Ivanovic is just as good an attacker. I'd replace Terry with Ivanovic and let Carvalho or Alex follow his lead in the same way they currently follow Terry's.

Third thing I'd do is give the players an option. If they don't like what's going on they can leave. If they're prepared to stick around and be successful and win for the club then they need to follow the manager's lead. I'd also have a stern chat with Ashley Cole, and ask him if he would like to clean his act up and stay or leave now.

After that it is a case of choosing a formation and how Ancelotti wants the team to play, and then responding accordingly. I know how I would like them to play, and who I'd buy but it really is up to him. Personally I'd like to see a 4-2-1-3 formation and with that in mind I'd bring another goal keeper in, and sell Hilaro to push Cech for his number one spot. I'd replace Terry with a center half and possibly sell Carvalho. I'd buy another world class right wing(back) and possibly replace Ashley Cole depending on what he decided to do. I'd keep Essien and Mikel for the holding role, because I don't think Mikel is anywhere near as bad as people seem to think he is (there has been a lot of talk about him being sold). I'd buy another central midfielder because I think that Lampard and Ballack together can play 60 games a season, but they can't make an entire season each. I'd get rid of Deco because he's only been trouble since he arrived, and I'd bring another attacking midfielder in. Then I'd sell Drogba and Kalou and I'd bring in three strikers. Currently the team have four strikers to fill six positions (assuming you want two players per position on the field) but I'd play five for six so that there is space for the younger players to come in but not too much pressure on them to perform.

I would love to bring in David Villa, Sergio Aguero and either Angel di Mara or Miroslav Stoch. Stoch is of course one of the club's current young players on loan in Holland but I don't know how good he is. If he's as good as Angel di Mara then yes, bring him through. Otherwise sell him. I'd like the club to play three central strikers with a lot of movement across the front three, a holding midfielder and a central midfielder with an attacking midfielder moving around to feed the strikers, a static centre half pairing and overlapping wingbacks.

This is of course all my own speculation but we'll see what happens. What we do know is that The Anchovy needs the team to play the way he wants them to and based on his old Milan team and the way Chelsea played while Deco was performing that involved decisive passing, tactical positioning, fluid and fast attacking with disciplined and compact movement. It's up to him as to how he'll achieve that.

Inter Milan 3 - 1 Chelsea FC

2010-03-17T10:00:00.000-07:00

Last night Inter Milan knocked Chelsea out of the Champion's League. I'm not angry though because this was not an injustice, like it has been in the past. In fact, I can not be angry because Inter played the way I want Chelsea to play. To be honest, Inter played exactly the game plan I said Chelsea should play for the game. They played 3 central strikers, overlapping wingbacks, an attacking midfielder, a holding midfielder and a central midfielder; a 4-2-1-3. They strangled Cheslea by breaking up midfield play and pushing Anelka and Malouda back, and double teaming Drogba. It was the perfect game which they won by my favorite score line: 3-1.

So, what went wrong? Man for man Chelsea are a better team but last night they were made to look like a bunch of has-been 30 year olds lacking the energy to find the shadows of Inter Milan. Well, they didn't lose tactically. The Anchovy had a decent game plan: play the fullbacks further back, to create stability for midfield, and allow Malouda and Anelka to push forward, Mikel moves 10 yards forward to restrict Sneijder's involvement with the attacking players, Ballack and Lampard mark Cambiasso and Motta and Drogba leads the line.

There was a plan, the team just didn't follow it. In fact, I don't think they wanted to. They were so affected by the fact that they were playing their mentor that they never got out of the "Welcome home" phase. As a result I don't think I saw a single Chelsea player win any individual battles. Every time they went in for a challenge, they lost. Every time Chelsea had possession it was messy and uncontrolled, as if they lacked their confidence in their own ability to beat the opposition.

The truth is, Chelsea haven't yet recovered from losing Mourinho and last night was perfect evidence of that.

The second major problem that was highlighted by last night was Chelsea's lack of options. True, they have a lot of injuries and this limits their options, but there were no real substitutions to make and the options that were available were fairly meaningless. Chelsea took Zhirkov, their least impressive defender, off in order to move Terry out to mark Pandev, Alex to stay with Milito and Ivanovic to stay with Eto'o and then put Kalou up front next to Malouda. They also took Ballack off in order to play a faster, more attacking player there and their only option was Joe Cole. These substitutions were a failure. Joe Cole is not in form and as an attacking player he simply didn't defend enough, and Kalou was left as helpless as the rest of Chelsea's attack simply because the problem was in midfield.

Chelsea were one dimensional, and there was no way to rectify the situation.

The biggest problem which was highlighted was that the Chelsea which played last night was not Carlo Ancelotti's Chelsea. They did not play with his DNA, he did not have the options he would have wanted, but most importantly they were not entirely committed to him. They were torn between the reminder of their victory days with Mourinho, and the attacking, decisive minded play The Anchovy demands. They are not his team and there is a lot of work yet to happen before this will be the case. Chelsea need to buy, and sell, quite a few players. They need another goalkeeper and at least one more center half, another holding midfielder, another central midfielder or two and possibly two or three strikers. They need to be about 24 years old, so that they can bridge the gap between the older, current players and the very promising up and coming players in the Chelsea Academy. They need to play the 4-3-3 system the club is built on, but with the balanced attack that Milan had, based on technical brilliance and commitment. They need his DNA, in the same way Inter have the Special One's DNA.

Trawling

2010-03-05T07:08:00.000-08:00

As a frequent internet trawler I have noticed that there has been a lot of opinion sharing about Joe Cole. As a football fan as well as a Chelsea fan I think he is a fantastic player. In his best season (two seasons ago) he played on the right hand side of a three prong attack at Chelsea, getting into double figures for goals as well as assists. He is well known for being a very good ball carrier and being able to create opportunities and bringing strikers into the mix. He has, of course, struggled since coming back from injury and as a result there have been a lot of people saying he should leave the club, others saying he should take a contract which is below what he wants so he can stay, and most people just being disappointed in his current form.

Personally I would really like to see him stay at the club, but be utilised in a different way. At the moment The Anchovy has been playing Cole behind the striker or strikers, usually on the left hand side. Initially this took the form of being at the tip of the diamond formation, but has since been changed to being on the left hand side with another striker, usually Anelka, playing on the right hand side. While I favor a formation with three central strikers, I do think that Joe Cole could be used deeper in central midfield where he can drift outside as well as play more as an attacking midfielder, which is what he is.

By playing in front of a holding midfielder and next to Lampard he would be required to work harder and move more like a box to box midfielder, but with his natural propensity to drift outside, as well as attack, and his ability to not only hold the ball up but also to thread passes together, playing behind three central strikers would allow him to attack (provided one of the strikers dropped deeper to cover) as well as move outside and play with the fullback while still being able to feed strikers and get into goal scoring positions.

Having said all of this, that position would only work if Chelsea were playing three central strikers. These are the strikers I would like to see being played and appropriately rotated: Drogba, Anelka, Malouda, Kalou, Sturridge, Borini, Mitrovic. I think Marco Mitrovic reminds me of Zlatan Ibrahimovic, and he could become a fantastic technical striker. I think it will be interesting to see what happens when Miroslav Stoch returns from loan, as he is proving to be a wonderful left wing striker, and I think Chelsea NEED to aquire Romleu Lukaku because he would be amazing. Gael Kakuta will also be an amazing right wing feeder, but I think Chelsea should play him in the same way as I would like to see them play Joe Cole, hence his exclusion from the above list.

Solutions

2010-03-01T07:29:00.000-08:00

Chelsea are in trouble. They have two big problems at the moment, and both have the potential to derail the teams efforts to successfully, and in my biased opinion deservedly, win the Champion's League, FA Cup and Premier League. The first problem is simple to identify and potentially dangerous to rectify, and is completely based around John Terry's recent activities.

We all know that he recently had an affair with Wayne Bridge's ex fiance, and it is clear to see that his form has taken a massive dip since the news came out and the entire world started giving everyone their opinion on the matter. I personally don't care what he does off the pitch, but the fact that it has affected his performance is a problem. He needs to be dropped for either Alex, who seems to be suffering from perpetualy 'niggles', or Ivanovic who is playing at right back a lot at the moment.

Unfortunately this will not solve the problem because it seems to be running much deeper than that. The team lack confidence. Against Inter Milan, Chelsea had more opportunities, more possession, more shots on goal but less goals. Granted Kalou should have earned a penalty, but they should have won the game not just drawn. Against Manchester City, Chelsea were by far the overwhelmingly superior team during the first period, but again failed to bury their chances. When a striker doesn't score, it isn't because he can't, it's because he loses concentration or nerve at the last moment. It's because they lack confidence. And it isn't just Anelka lacking confidence, or Drogba, or Kalou, or Lampard or Ballack or Malouda, or Sturridge, or anyone else. It is the entire team.

And this is resulting in the team not scoring when they should, as well as losing 50/50 battles, and subsequently making individual errors which are resulting in goals. It is also creating an upset with the back line, and this is exposing the goalkeepers. Cech was managing the backline to a certain extent, but Hilaro is the substitute and isn't as authoritative. And it is showing. It could cost the team everything if The Anchovy doesn't do something about it.

I don't know what the answer is. I don't know if the club need to strip Terry of the captaincy, and pass it along to Joe Cole or Lampard, or if they need to have some sort of dressing room tear up, or if someone just needs to have the shit beat out of them, but something needs to happen. Personally I think that Terry has had too much say for too long now, and needs to be taken down to size, but whatever happens it needs to happen now because the team have been spiralling downwards since the story broke, and there's no sign of improvement yet.

The second problem is far more complex and far less explosive. It is tactical, and a clinical decision needs to be made. At the beginning of the season Chelsea were playing the diamond, with Lampard at the point, and it didn't work. Then they moved Deco into that position, and it worked better. Then they dropped Anelka back to play the 'Christmas Tree' and it seemed to be doing quite well. But then the team became too predictable and there was a month where they were struggling a lot. Then against Fulham Ancellotti changed the formation to what I suggested at the beginning of the season, playing three central strikers with one withdrawing to create and the fullbacks attacking and playing like wingbacks. A zonally dense 4-3-3. It worked and Chelsea won the game. After that game, the African Cup of Nations withdrew Drogba, Kalou, Essien and Mikel from the squad and Chelsea changed the system again.

Anelka lead the line, and Chelsea played the Christmas tree again, but with the two withdrawn strikers moving out onto the wings, playing alongside Anelka, creating and allowing not only the fullbacks to attack but also smooth and quick interchanging with the midfielders. The new system created lots of space to stretch teams, and Chelsea beat everyone during January. It worked very well.

But with Drogba's return things became far more difficult once again. Anelka is a central striker. Drogba is a central striker. This could be problematic. And now a decision needs to be made. The system has been played as a 4-3-3 with Drogba up front and the wings made up of Anelka, Malouda and on occasion Joe Cole. Against Inter Milan the team played well with the three central strikers again, two withdrawn to create from deeper and move around. Personally I think it worked well and would like to see them go with that formation, but I also think the diamond could work too. Particularly because I think Anelka plays best when he is in the center. Either way, a straight 4-3-3 isn't going to work, and currently isn't working.

Chelsea either need to go for a 'balanced' approach and play the diamond with Joe Cole and Malouda (and Kakuta) withdrawn. Or they need to go for the formation I favour, and would prefer, with Anelka, Drogba and another (Malouda, Joe Cole, Sturridge, Kakuta, Borini etc) playing centrally, working their way outside and dropping deep as required to create spaces and kill the opposition.

These problems need to be sorted out this week. If they don't, United will win the Premier League, Inter Milan will win the Champion's League and only the Lord knows who will win the FA Cup.

Fuel

2010-02-27T05:12:00.000-08:00

One of the things that I value the most, and that I want the most to find in other people is integrity. Internal consistency and the drive and desire to ensure that this is present and stable across every aspect of a persons' life. This is what drives every inquisition I embark upon. It is what invokes my hatred and what sustains my love. It is what justifies my ruthlessness and what absolves my guilt, and without these unobtainable standards I would not be able to hate myself or love others.

I don't know if anyone else does this, but every time I feel an emotion I freeze. My life is stopped in its tracks as I examine the intricacies of my reasoning: its logic, its motivation, its objective. And if I find that the course of action I am considering is in any way influenced by a strong emotion I almost always put an end to the action all together because I am so afraid of acting out of emotion, and impulse.

The truth is that I view emotion as erratic and for the most part, something to detest. They fly in the face of the characteristic which I desire and respect the most and as a result I condemn the decisions they bring about. But I know that emotion is an integral part of humanity, and there is no way to escape its influence in our lives. In fact, one would not want to escape its influence because that would leave you running forever towards a life you would hate anyway. A life devoid of momentary anything. And yet all this running has lead me into a life where I spend every moment in fear and anxiety, and this has caused me to not be able to view anything with any perspective. It has caused me to detest my feelings of pain and anxiety and it drives me to make decisions that will, without regard for the future benefits, deliver me.

I am stuck in a present which is so caught up in a quest for consistency that in order to ensure it, everything stands still. I live in anxiety, so scared that any decision I make will not be congruent with the rest of my life. So scared that I will hurt. So scared that I will progress emotionally. And the last time that happened I wanted to die so badly that I almost broke a promise I hoped I would never have to confront.

So now I am trying to move forward in a different direction, hoping that if I have a separate life running parallel it will be able to take a different course. One that has no history, one that will be different. But I am scared that it won't be different. I am scared that the DNA that has caused every other aspect of my life to behave in the way it has will be intrinsic in the direction I am now embarking upon, and it too will come to a dead stop as I refuse to move once again.

I have no goals, partially because I have no fuel anyway.

Rivers

2010-02-15T13:36:00.000-08:00

Time flows past me like a strong current, lifting my consciousness and quickly pulling me in the direction it chooses. Fighting the momentum my body is accumulating pushes me under where my efforts are hidden from view. All I can do is relax and hope I float.

I don't know what I feel and I don't know how to combat it. This feeling is overwhelmingly familiar but the surroundings are different. What did I do last time? How can I make it stop?

Right now I am just holding my breath but I don't know what I am hoping for.

Someone to Blame

2010-02-15T13:35:00.002-08:00

A single flash, the sign of being forgotten. The love I fixate upon is not forthcoming and the blame I dispense is neither warranted nor expendable. Has anything triggered this? Or am I just searching for a distraction? I look at the situation's symptoms for signs of life, and wish I could respond in a satisfactory manner. But the control I crave I deny with everything in me. I am sure this is what is sending the signal I detest.

Half sacrificing, half controlling. Manipulation. The sacrifice is discarded and the displays misconstrued and I am left alone: another cold day.

What do I let go of? What do I hold onto? How can my compromise lead to the relief required? And what of the pain inflicted? The world around me has turned gray, and my point of reference has fallen away. I have nothing.

I wish I had someone to blame.

The Lion in the World

2010-02-15T13:35:00.001-08:00

Is this what my life has come to? An existence epitomised by clinical disdain for my surroundings. Contextualised by white letters on a black page that no one reads, and wouldn't understand. I will not be remembered for who I am because there are few who know what that looks like.

Letters do not exude character, and characters on a page is what I have been relegated to by myself, and my brain. The anxiety that enthralls my existence coerces my senses into a coma and I am left with the world outside my realm of understanding. I am the lion and the world is filled with people. Their response does not warrant my recoil but theirs is not warranted either.

All I want is the thorn to go away.

The Pyramid

2010-02-15T13:34:00.002-08:00

I'm tired of hiding from my mind. It attacks me from the inside and my only defense is to run and find another dark hole to explore. It is like a pyramid, it's mistaken beauty as much the fault of the perceive as the liar, but the explorer is the one in true danger. Every door leads to another dark passageway, and as the torches burn the oxygen hope of an exit becomes more and more distant. The markings are as daunting as the prospect of backtracking, and the ripples a mistake would create will be echoed in eternity.

The air gets thinner and thinner, security becomes the enemy as the memory of the past becomes as imposing as the steps taken forward. The symmetry which was once thought of as a reference point lies more than it should. It's honesty more confusing to the teller than the hearer, and as the goal posts shift the plan to survive depletes fulfilled promises of their worth.

Maybe there is no exit. Maybe I didn't even enter. Maybe this is where everything has ever transpired. This is what I have been relegated to and there is no grace for relief.

The Walk in Hell

2010-02-15T13:34:00.001-08:00

I despise myself for the promises I have made. My relief is never present and it's promises are an act of betrayal away. My integrity is worth more than the life it protects and less than the reward it reaps. I don't even know if I want the reward today.

If I could leave my loyalty at the door, and walk through hell I would. I am no longer alone but the call of the white light is far more appealing than ever before, and the tunnel grows shorter by the day.

Am I walking towards the light, or is the door behind me just closing? Will it ever open again, or will the light in front of me provide the freedom from expectation I crave? This middle ground has become a compromise between hope and commitment and neither is worth the work.

Contrast is a funny thing. Life has taken a turn for the better but it has also made the depths of my mind deeper and darker than I have ever experienced. It wasn't worth it before and the situation has maintained equilibrium.

Take hold of my hand, for you are no longer alone. Walk with me in Hell.

Repeating Yesterday

2010-02-15T13:33:00.000-08:00

The past and what I remember are all melded with my dreams. My future is part of the present and subsequently inconsequential and vague. My consciousness is lost in the flood of my subconscious and the emotion which ensues only lasts as long as my energy survives. As quickly as it surfaced it sinks in to the murky trenches of failure and disappointment that makes up my perception of my efforts, and I am left with the bitter taste of guilt that I did not do more. Guilt's companion is self doubt but neither stays long enough to ward the numbness off for a consequential amount of time.

Emotion abandons me to intellect and I am left to question what today should be, what yesterday will be and what tomorrow won't become. The questions are secrets and the answers don't exist today. Like a flooded mountain, my character is hidden by the murky water and all that is left is a vacant reflection.

Humanity Lost

2010-02-15T13:32:00.002-08:00

Humanity sold for an imagined experience. Respect lost by all parties involved. Your corpse is not worthy for the dogs to feed on. Even they realise that.

Your ideal is something your soul detests but your desire out weights your very character. Cunts and tits, their scent the driving force for the pain you inflict upon yourself. This self created obsession will never subside, its fire ever yearning for more of your fibre. Feeding it rots what is left of your being, but its worth had deteriorated beyond redemption. The remains of your soul choose not to resist the disappointment it now relies on.

You are less than nothing, and I am hurt by your condition. But the scarring pain is that which you cause the one I love. Their lives mean less to you than the body you sacrifice and for this you should never recover. Neither will I. I only pray they will.

Hate isn't enough to describe this. I am somewhere between screaming and crying.

God Forgive Me

2010-02-15T13:32:00.001-08:00

I don't know what this is. I don't know what I feel; what the world around me looks like. I don't know how to respond to it and I wouldn't know what my response looked like if I acted.

"The world around me has taken a turn for the worst,
I'm left alone crawling through the dark.
Should I jump, should I stay, can I make another day?
Should I jump, should I stay?
I am the one who's wrong.
God forgive me"

I don't remember what is around me, and the memory of the light only serves to show me more darkness. The light which is present brings more uncertainty that the hope of a future and as it fades the certainty that none of this will pass becomes the hope a future should never provide. This hope has become part of what I am, and the fear it brings has defined my sanity for longer than I care to admit.

But at least I'm sane. This comfort afforded me is one I will never forget, but the comfort I will never be able to repay is the true tragedy. This comfort I speak of is the one of knowing I am not alone, that she is with me. I don't know what that means a lot of the time but the knowledge trumps any hope I could ever desire to experience.

And yet his darkness is worse, and the pain I cause unforgivable.

I will forget my darkness, and shun my light to stop this pain.

God forgive me.

First Encounters Assault Recon

2010-02-15T13:31:00.000-08:00

I felt myself begin to break. I felt the stress and I saw the fractures turn into cracks. My mind began to exhibit the strain I struggled to hide from the people I never turn away from. I counted the days until my return to sanity and security, and when the number was up so was mine. Home had deserted me, its comfort has dissipated like the mist on a winter's morning leaving the bite of the cold, and all around me are the bodies of the battle urging me to press on. Has this work been in vain, or am I simply too selfish to give up on a dream I never carried as my own?

As humans we are told we can do anything we want, we are equal to all around us and we must choose our paths. We are told to celebrate our accomplishments as they are what defines us. But if we can all do anything we want, shouldn't we all be doing everything we can? I think that the thing that separates us from the people around us is not our accomplishments, but rather our fears. It is our fears that drive us in a direction because that is all we have left. It is the only way out and the only way in a direction we convince ourselves is forward. But publishing my fears is not what scares me. My failures are the things that I want to keep under wraps, they are the things that I want to keep away from the rest of the world. Because my failures are what show me and everyone around me that not only am I not moving forward, I'm not moving.

Maybe this is my fear.

Crude Honesty

2010-02-15T13:30:00.000-08:00

"Artists use lies to tell the truth, politicians use them to cover the truth up."

There is something refreshingly honest about crudeness when it is a lie. I think people tend to hear things that are crude and write the person off as being an idiot, or not worth listening to. But those are the people who are being most honest. They are saying the things we all think but are too afraid to say, and they are the ones who we should be paying attention to.

But when those people's crudeness is a lie, that is when their true feelings come out. That is when their souls are exposed instead of their honesty cast out to the world, and therein lies the beauty of a lie. The perception their language creates is the defence their frail characters crave and the safe haven they run to when their need for vulnerability overtakes their terror.

I have a friend who really likes a girl. She really likes him but because of how things have worked out up until now they can't be together. Not now anyway. But they behave as if they are. The other day they were lying in bed watching tv. She was talking about something and he was sick of it. He turned to her and said "Can't you just shut your mouth and open your cunt."

She of course burst out laughing, and wrote it off as him being crude, but this was him expressing his soul's desire. He doesn't want to fuck her, but he does want to tell her he loves her. He wants to tell her how much he wants to be with her, and he can't do it. So he disguises his love in an attack.

But this attack is a lie, the words were a lie. The emotion was not. And I am convinced that her laugh was a lie too. But the interesting thing about a lie is that it provides the teller a picture of honesty they would have never come by any other way. The reaction and emotion invoked by the lie is what the teller is after. And that is worth all the stigma in the world.

Update

2010-02-15T13:24:00.000-08:00

So, for those of you who don't know I have had a bit of a rough time of late, and I am still trying to figure out what is going on in my mind on most levels. But I have been writing quite a bit, but haven't put any of it up for two reasons.

The first is that what I have been writing of late has been rather morbid and dark, and people probably wouldn't be able to understand most of it without wanting me to be put under suicide watch or something so I thought that the best way to avoid a lot of misunderstanding would be to not communicate at all.

The second reason is that whenever I write something, before I put it up I read it a few times, and I decide if it is what I am wanting to communicate, as objectively as possible. But the truth is that when I am feeling emotionally thin and overwhelmed I struggle to objectify the things around me. So, I felt that I wouldn't be able to objectify what I had written, and rather than trying to and failing I just left it all.

But I don't know if this was the correct approach. So what I am doing now is putting up a lot of what I have written over the last few weeks because I always want push myself to continue writing and being honest with everyone around me. I have taken a lot of it out, because it was very dark, and I have also left quite a bit out because I didn't finish writing it. These are what is left after I finished, and I hope that you can gain a bit of insight into my mind and what I have been thinking, and I hope it will help you in whatever you are trying to figure out.

Jeb

The Statue

2009-12-29T12:00:00.000-08:00

I know what I want to feel. I know what I want to look like, and it isn't what anyone truly desires, but I don't believe I am worth of being desired. The happiness my beauty affords scares me in a way I don't understand and am still learning to give to others.

It is like a beautiful statue carved of marble, left out to be displayed for all to see and appreciate. As time goes on more and more people appreciate the work, the effort and the sacrifice which has made this piece of art what it is but this delay carries a weight the piece will never recover from. Cracks and stains are left on what was intended to be perfection incarnated but as the price of time is paid, the reward of work becomes richer and deeper.

The lost perfection creates character which identifies the appreciation fewer and fewer people feel but the true reward of the intention becomes an engulfing and life changing event that will be echoed through the years of all parties involved.

My degradation is something I enjoy but it's reward is unbearable. So I deny the cracks my feelings are expressing in a selfish act of maintenance. But perhaps these cracks lead to something that will heal my feelings and assure my fear. Perhaps this is my degradation in an unfamiliar format.

"And I can talk, I place pride on tick and tock"

Back from the Future

2009-12-28T08:13:00.000-08:00

So for those of you who don't know I have been in Joburg since June doing training to become an Air Traffic Controller. As a result of this I have had no life (literally) for the last six months and have spent all my time trying to get back to Cape Town for a weekend at a time. As a result I have neglected lots of things I wish I had not, including my blogging / writing and reading. So now that I have my life back I shall be starting once again.

So, this is my first blog and I am going to write about something you can all choose to disregard as you usually do, namely Chelsea.

This season they started off rather shakily with a new manager and a new system that didn't seem to be working to well. The 'Anchovy' started out with a classic 4-diamond-2 formation with a holding midfielder, two central midfielders and a playmaking midfielder behind two strikers. The fullbacks were encouraged to move into midfield and the midfielders were asked to attack and create attacks to feed the strikers.

There was one major problem with this: Chelsea's midfield has always been a solid, foundational one rather than a talismanic, creative and attacking one which is what the system called for.

This of course is exactly the system played at AC Milan and was never going to work. Then Ancelotti changed to the system to something closer to what I had originally intended, but not quite there. That was, fullbacks coming forward, three central midfielders and three central strikers. The defence would come from the central midfielders and center halves, the attacks would come from the fullbacks and the three central strikers would play a very fluid system with one striker trailing from midfield, moving to the flanks or dropping in late as required.

The system was working well until the Arsenal game a few weeks ago. After that everything went south, and I know exactly why. You see, Chelsea have three problems. First is the most evident at the moment, their midfield.

Just before the Arsenal game Chelsea picked up a few injuries in midfield and because they only have five players to fill three positions they are now playing with at least one, often two semi injured players in midfield. Because of this they are slow and loose, giving away possession easily and not winning it back. This has a knock on effect resulting in the fullbacks not being able to come forward, extra pressure on the central defenders which leads to fouls, the trailing striker having to drop back into midfield and subsequently the two strikers being isolated.

There is no problem with conceding a goal or two in a game, provided you are scoring three. But with the strikers being isolated they aren't scoring and it is proving costly. If they tighten up midfield the fullbacks with come forward, the trailing striker will be able to assist them and attack, and the strikers will be back in the game and the team will score 3 or more a game once again.

This midfield problem is as a result, however, of the second problem which is their current team. There are four players in the team that should not be there, one who is doubtful and quite a few who need to be brought in.

The first problematic player is Kalou. He is a thoroughly average striker in my opinion. I don't know if it is just his confidence or because he is poor or something but he needs to go. He has good off the ball movement but no ability to finish and is by no means any sort of substitute for Drogba or Anelka. The second troublesome player is Deco. He is being used behind the strikers as a trailing striker but he is the most erratic footballer in history. One day everything he does turns into a chance, he scores wonderful goals and does nothing wrong, and then the next three days are dogged with underwhelming performances where he gives possession away every time he touches the ball, can't get a shot on target and in all honest may as well be playing for the other team. I don't know if this is a confidence issue or not, but as he struggles more he drops further and further back into midfield until he may as well be in central midfield and not trying to attack at all. Personally I think this problem could be remedied by playing him in central midfield, possibly at the base of the diamond where he could spray passes around.

The third player who poses a problem is Belletti. A wonderful right back in his day, he is now over it in my opinion. The Anchovy is keeping him because he is a clever player and is versatile because he can play on the right of central midfield, but in my opinion he should go. End of discussion. Finally, the fourth player who is circumspect is Ferriera. He is a good right back, but with Bosingwa and seemingly Ivanovic ahead of him in the pecking order I don't know where he is going to fit in. He should go too.

Once these four players have been sorted out there are a few who need to come in, with a healthy balance of youth. With Chelsea's system changing to one without wing players a certain amount of change is expected. I think Chelsea are at least one striker 'light' (with Kalou being a fail Drogba and Anelka need cover), they are at least one central midfielder light too (five for three positions, and a defensive player required) and the problem at right back needs to be sorted out. They seem to have three right back players with two being sub par, one being injured and a center half doing a very good job there (Ivanovic), this position needs to be looked at. Either they need to buy a center half so Ivanovic can stay out wide, or they need to buy a right back to play with Bosingwa, sell the two fails and let Ivanovic move back into the center. They also need another attacking midfielder to play with the brilliant Joe Cole, especially because at the moment he is still regaining fitness and form after his long injury, and through all of this the team also need to bring in some youth players, if possible from the academy.

So, here's what I think Chelsea need to do:
Sell - Bellitti, Ferriera, Kalou
Buy - Sergio Aguero, Romleu Lukaku, Lucas Piazon, Jack Rodwell

They need to bring Daniel Sturridge (fast, powerful and strong) and Fabio Borini (clinical striker with wonderful off the ball movement) in as strikers as well as buying Romleu Lukaku (a 17 year old called the new Drogba), and with the three of these players coming in with Drogba, Anelka (both getting on a bit) and Aguero Chelsea will have the best strike force in Europe.

Behind the strikers they should play Joe Cole and Gael Kakuta. Kakuta is ready for the first team in my opinion, passes extremely well and like Joe Cole attacks from deeper back naturally. He is 18 years old and has a lot to learn but with the strike force in front of him, and Anelka or Sturridge able to drop back into this position they will have plenty of cover as well as youth.

In central midfield they need to bring Nemanja Matic and Jacopo Sala through. These are two left and right sided central midfielders respectively, with Sala often playing in the defensive / holding position. They are both technical and solid players able to tackle solidly, pass accurately and provide stability and regulate the tempo of the game which will give the strikers and fullbacks licence to tear around attacking at will.

They should also incorporate Jack Rodwell into this setup in the holding position. Currently at Everton, he could cover for Mikel and Essien during the African Cup of Nations, and would also be able to be dropped into the center half position he is aiming for afterwards. This would mean Chelsea have Lampard, Malouda and Matic on the left. Mikel, Rodwell and Deco in the center. Essien, Ballack and Sala on the right. Later on they can bring McEachran in as a more attacking and creative left footed central midfielder.

As for defense I think they should leave Ivanovic in at right back with Bosingwa and let Jeffrey Bruma come through in the central midfield position. They should have Ashley Cole and Yury Zhirkov at left back and Terry, Alex and Carvalho in at central midfield. The team should bring Michael Mancienne and Sam Hutchison through for the central defense too. They will need to look at attacking fullbacks though for the future. I think they should choose wing players from the academy and bring them in.

So, overall they need to sell three players, buy four and bring quite a few youth through. There is one problem though. The Anchovy doesn't want to buy, so he is trying to bring through the youth quickly. But with all the pressure on him with the side not performing at the moment I don't know how much longer he will be around. Guus may be closer than we all think...

Airplane Seats

2009-06-21T09:24:00.000-07:00

so for those of you who do follow my blog you'd have noticed that I've been rather quiet of late. There's a simple explination for this, I've been thinking about something that I didn't want to put online. About two months ago I met a wonderful woman named Carianne and I started thinking about relationships and if I was ready for one, or if I would ever be ready for one. After much thought and quite a few mostly sleepless nights I decided to ask her if she would be interested in a romantic relationship, and she was in fact rather pleased by this news because she had been thinking the same thing for a while too apparently.

So on the first of June I got my first girlfriend and it has been, and continues to be the best experience of my life. There was of course a shit load to think about, not least because today I have embarked on yet another new journey in my life which has had a major effect on our relationship.

You see, today I left to go to Joburg for three months so that I can train to become an Air Traffic Controller. I'm currently sitting in an airplane feeling rather scared and sad, but with some sense of hope that things will actually work out in the end.

This hope is of course fuelled partially by the fact that Carianne, Pierre and possibly a few of my other friends are likely to road trip to visit me in a few weeks time, but mostly because I am confident in not only my ability but also the fact that I am doing the right thing.

I am starting a career and am actually doing something with my life, and that's a good feeling. Up until now I've not known what I was going to do, or indeed what I wanted to do, but now I know that this is something that I can do, and hopefully well. It is a strange feeling though because I haven't actually started training or anything like that, but I just have a feeling that I can do this.

Now, I'm sure that I shall be blogging a lot more over the next few months, and possibly longer so please do check back for updates. I will also be on various IMs so when I get a chance I will always be ready for a chat. Right now I just don't want to cry too much so I'm going to try and get some sleep.

Shallowness

2009-05-22T07:45:00.000-07:00

Salam malakim. As I'm sure you've all noticed I haven't blogged in a while, partially because I've been working quite a bit as a Butler, partially because my internet has been permafucked for a while and mostly because I've been thinking about quite a bit in a fair amount of depth.

I've been thinking about quite a few things, but for some reason the topic of love and romance has been rather high on my list of thoughts of late, probably due to the fact that quite a few of my friends have encountered love on some level recently.

Anyway, today isn't about that because I have quite a bit of thinking still to do before I can start formulating any sort of theorem on how all the different levels of love fit together, but today I've been thinking about how things in my life have changed of late.

I saw some pictures of myself on the good book today from about 2 months ago, and I looked like shit. Like, I really looked bad. And now I look pretty good I think. So, what's changed?

Well, I got a hair cut. It's not long anymore, and quite a few people think it's cool. I don't really know but I think it looks better. I've got some facial hair but I don't know how much of a difference that has made, but the really big difference is that I've lost a lot of weight. Like quite a few kgs. But the weird thing is that I haven't done anything different, I've just lost weight.

Because my diet hasn't really changed other than I eat more pizza at the moment, I can only conclude that the reason for my weight loss is the fact that I am no longer on my anti depressants.

If you didn't know this, I was on some fairly strong meds and as a result my body decided that it would be wise to pick up a fair amount of weight. It was rather irritating, particuarly because no matter what I did I couldn't lose much weight. Now that I'm off them I feel and look better.

I was talking to a wonderful man the other day, and he too has had some problems with depression. And this man said that he feels much better because he isn't on his meds anymore either. Not that the depressions is any better or worse, but he feels better because he now knows that when he feels shit it's because he feels shit. And if he feels good it's because he feels good. It's not because the meds are regulating his life, or doing anything weird to his body. It's because that's what he's feeling.

And I can identify with that feeling. Yesterday I woke up and felt awful. But I knew that while my feelings were unfounded they were my feelings. Not a chemical induced emotion, but my emotions. And that's surprisingly comforting irrespective of what you are feeling.

So yes, I've lost weight and I feel better about the fact that I look better. But I guess that's almost inconsequential next to the fact that the emotions I feel now are my own, and not because of all the chemicals I am / was pumping into my body to regulate something that no one could explain or fully understand.

I would like to use this opportunity to thank the aforementioned wonderful man for being such a great guy and I would like to thank my friends for being great people and encouraging me irrespective of what emotion I'm feeling.

Reasoning

2009-05-06T17:06:00.000-07:00

It's not often that I feel this way, but at the moment I would love to say a few things that would not be in line with my principles. In fact I'd love to do a few things that are not in line with my principles too, but I'm more tempted to say than do things today.

Now, the question is then asked, is there something wrong with my principles or with my emotional state? I'm not sure there's a clear cut answer in this case. I have a belief system that dictates how I respond to various situations and for the most part I find that my emotions are in line with this system so when my emotions aren't in line is that a problem?

I don't think so. Just because you feel a specific way doesn't mean you should act on that feeling. So if you feel a specific way and you don't express that feeling are you failing to uphold your integrity? I'm not sure, but possibly.

For me, part of integrity is expressing my feelings and being real about the way I react to various situations. But I suppose expressing yourself correctly and accurately is extremely important, and it's the expression of an emotion that makes a difference.

So, at what stage is your integrity then compromised? I suppose when you start lying. Whether it be to yourself or others, honesty is key. But the truth is that for me I almost feel as if I'd rather compromise my integrity than hurt people. Is that really compromise anyway? If you know the truth and don't share it? I guess it depends on the circumstance and the individual, but I'm inclined to say yes.

That doesn't mean I should run around calling random people cunts, but it does mean that I should be honest with them where possible, and should do it with as much tact as possible. But I'm not entirely sure I should be volunteering this information. If I don't like someone I'd rather just avoid them / ignore them.

I don't really know. At the moment I'm a bit torn so I'll just bite my tongue for now. I'm not at the end of the road yet.

A Quick Rant

2009-05-06T08:14:00.000-07:00

So I've written two blogs today about cocks in the world, and I deleted both of them because they end up being rants that were not constructive in any way. I have decided that all I want to say is this: If you are one of the cunts in the world who has mastered the art of pretending to take responsibility for your actions while manipulating people into casting you as a victim, I hope you die in a fire. If you a person who lies about being a friend and then bails when life becomes real I hope you drown in the icy waters. That is all.

Anyway, no that I've had my say, we move onto a topic that I'm sure drives you all mad: Football. Chelsea are playing Barcelona for the second time in 8 days tonight and this time they are playing at Stamford Bridge. Last week, in Spain, Chelsea walked away with what I think was a reasonable result, namely a 0 - 0 draw. I would have preferred a 1 - 1 draw, but by not conceding things are looking good.

Guss Hiddink's squad choice last week did surprise me though. He played a 4-2-3-1 formation with Essien playing on the right wing and Mikel in the holding role. This clearly worked out, but there was very little happening when the team went forward.

I do, however, have an idea as to how they can win this game and it does involve sitting back quite a bit. You see, Barcelona are the best football team in the world at the moment and when they go forward and attack they truly are amazing. So, there is no point in fighting fire with fire. Chelsea need to do something similar to what they did last week, and stifle the opposition's movement. By cutting off the supply from Xabi the team are limited to passing sideways, which means the ball is only going to be fed to Iniesta, Messi or Alves.

So, if Chelsea can play with A Cole marking Messi, Bosingwa marking Henry, Terry marking Eto'o and Alex sweeping up, then the only worry will come from midfield. Now, if Essien can remove Iniesta from the game and Lampard can limit Xabi then Ballack can play in a holding role as well as release Anelka or Malouda for attacks.

You see, with Alves playing at right back, he tends to come extremely far forward. So if Malouda can time his runs well he can get behind Alves and play him out of position, thereby allowing Anelka and Drogba to move inside and create havock for their inexperienced center halves.

All the attacks are going to have to go down the wings for Chelsea simply because central midfield is just too congested, so it's lucky that Malouda and Anelka are both playing really well at the moment.

The only problem I can see is that when Chelsea go forward and attack they are going to open up quite a bit, so I suspect the full backs are going to have to come forward and protect midfield while Ballack will probably have to stay back and make sure that no long balls make it from the box to the forwards.

I suspect that this game will be either a 2 - 1 game or a 5 - 4 game. Personally I'd rather see a 2 - 1 game because it'd be tighter, but who knows. As long as Chelsea go through I'm happy...

Christianity vs The Bible Part 4

2009-05-05T12:57:00.000-07:00

This is the final part in my blogs on Christianity and the Bible. Enjoy.

So, of the arguments that I've ever heard I don't believe any of them are relevant. So if there is no valid argument, in my opinion, against swearing is there an argument for swearing? For me, yes. In fact it's quite simple: integrity.

I believe that because Christians believe that they should be "showing the world who Christ is through their lives" they try to project an image of themselves as being perfect people who never falter in any way. But because I don't believe that's the message I should be communicating I don't try to show that to people. I believe that my life is worth more to people when it is shown for what it really is than what I wish it was or what I think it could or should be.

For that reason, when I get frustrated I don't try and show people what I think they should see, I show them what's really going on in my mind. And often that is "Fuck!" I believe that by showing people what's really going on I am not only living a life of integrity, but I am showing more respect toward them. And in my mind that translates to open dialogue, which is the beginning of communication, and that is one of the greatest ways of demonstrating love. Again, this is all my opinion.

The other thing is that any word has an assigned meaning, so if you assign the word "shit" a negative connotation, you will view it accordingly. But if you assign it a neutral connotation, people won't care. Words like cunt and fuck are really just strong words, in the same way that anguish and agony are strong words. So what makes the former unacceptable? I honestly don't know. But I guess that's why we need to spend time talking to people and finding out what people find offensive and what they don't. If someone finds the word "cunt" offensive I won't use it in front of them, but again, this is only evident after a relationship has been established and communication has been started.

Why not just not swear at all? Because I have to have a benchmark, and that benchmark is determined by what I find comfortable. And the truth is that I honestly don't mind talking about anything [literally anything] with anyone. I don't mind swearing, or drinking, or smoking so that's my benchmark. Perhaps I'm too liberal, and perhaps that will change but for now I'm happy with that. If you aren't contact me and we'll chat.

At the end of the day if you are applying Christ's principles to your life with integrity, and to the best of your ability no one can really complain.

Christianity vs The Bible Part 3

2009-05-03T03:58:00.001-07:00

Part 3 has arrived, so make sure you know what happened yesterday and then read away.

Another argument against swearing, smoking, drinking or just behaviour that people may classify as "ungodly" is that as Christians we should be showing the world Christ through our lives. Usually the verse which accompanies this argument is Romans 12:2 which states "Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world but be transformed by the renewing of your mind..."

I believe that this argument is half right, but only because it's based on half a verse. The rest of the verse says "...Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - his good, pleasing and perfect will."

This argument raises the question, should we be reflecting Christ at all? My answer to that question is: Yes, but not the way most people believe we should. Many Christians believe that we should become like Christ, and that means that we should become little Christs. Doing what he would do in every circumstance and the like. While I believe that is admirable, how much do we really know about Christ? And where do we draw the line? Do we now say that we need to listen to the same music Christ would? Does this mean that because Christ woke up early in the morning we should too?

For me the answer is an emphatic no. We should, however, be changing our belief system to match Christ's belief system. Based on this belief system we can then make decisions which we believe would match God's good, pleasing and perfect will. That doesn't mean that I should have to pray long and hard as to whether I should choose chicken or beef, but it does mean that I should read the Bible, and based on my adopted principles I should interpret Scripture with integrity, to the best of my ability.

Questions like "would Christ say fuck?" are about as relevant as saying "would Christ listen to speed metal?" because I don't believe we should be trying to recreate the man today, but rather trying to stand for the ideals he stood for.

There are a fair number of Christians who have a big problem with drinking too, but the Bible doesn't actually define drinking as a sin. It does however define it as unwise. And that is something I can wholeheartedly agree on. But why is it unwise? Well, the first thing that jumps to mind is the health factor. The truth is that alcohol is a poison and in large quantities your body doesn't agree.

So if the problem simply comes down to making a wise decision, why is drinking frowned upon, but drinking coffee isn't? The truth is that coffee is about as addictive and about as bad for you in large quantities. Does it really just come down to which one is more socially acceptable? Because if that is the case, then that's an awful argument. If you're prepared to eat McDonald's every day, why aren't you prepared to drink a beer or smoke a cigar.

I'm not saying that excessive drinking should be encouraged, but I am saying that it should come down to a person's choice rather than some random rule that you've decided is Biblical. Excessive drinking or smoking, just like eating McDonald's for every meal, should be seen as an unwise decision made by a person, and that's as far as it should go.

In rare cases I've encountered people who have a problem with Christians going to clubs. Now, the truth is that in one of these cases the man who told me I shouldn't be going to clubs also defined Satanism as having long hair, wearing black, drinking cat's blood and listening to heavy metal. For the most part, the people who draw these conclusions are so conservative they don't believe in different interpretations of the Bible. And in most cases I will hear their argument, and then disregard it without replying simply because they aren't actually open to hearing another view.

But for the record, both of the men who have told me that going to clubs is wrong have used Ephesians 5:1-5 as the basis for their argument. Now, if you remember the context of Ephesians, and you read the text you will quickly find that Paul was speaking to a group of people and encouraging them to ensure that the values and principles from the past were completely abandoned and changed to what Christ's are / were. He's not telling people to avoid sinful environments, but he is telling them to not mix up their past with their future.

Part 4 will be the last part, and will be up tomorrow. Remember, if you disagree or agree feel free to post your views and discuss away...

Christianity vs The Bible Part 2

2009-05-02T04:46:00.000-07:00

So, here's part 2. We're picking up where we left off so have a good 'un.

This also means that there is far more emphasis on individual relationships because decisions concerning faith should be made on a personal and individual level. Now, while this may be fantastic on the surface it does bring about some serious problems when it comes down to living this way, simply because every person will have a different interpretation of how to live out various principles, which in turn mandates all Christians to approach each other openly and honestly with the goal of not only sharing one's perspective, but also to hear and consider another's perspective.

Having said that, Christ's belief system isn't a license to go mad and do whatever the fuck we want. On the contrary, it requires a much higher standard be upheld when it comes to studying and understanding Scripture on account of the fact that there is no set way of living.

Ok, so we've established that, in my opinion, Christianity isn't a lifestyle which can be set or dictated by anything. Rather it is the belief and acceptance that Jesus was the Christ, and that the principles that governed His life are the principles that are required to be present in our lives in order for us to be called righteous.

So how does swearing, drinking, smoking or clubbing fit in to this outlook on my faith? And if it does fit in, why are people so upset about it? Well, if I'm completely honest I don't think that most people who complain about swearing or anything else on my list actually know why they believe it's wrong. In fact, I think they just complain because it doesn't match their outlook on what Christianity should be. But these people continue to complain, and pull out scriptures such as Ephesians 4:29 or Colossians 3:8.

Then they move onto Romans 12:2 and Matthew 12:36 and conclude with something like "I'll pray that the Holy Spirit convicts you." So why are all of these things wrong? And why, if they aren't right, am I right? Well, we'll start off my addressing the issues raised by the people who do object.

We'll start off with people who object to swearing. In my experience, most people find this to be quite offensive because it is easily noticeable so it is the first thing that people complain about. In most instances the two passages of scripture which are pulled out are Ephesians 4:29 or Colossians 3:8.

Now, Ephesians 4:29 says "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those that listen"

And Colossians 3:8 says "But now you must rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander and filthy language."

While at first glance these scriptures both seem to be supporting the no swearing view, we haven't set any sort of historical or theological background. So, before we interpret the above, let's find out what each book is actually about.

Ephesians was written by Paul, and was directed at pretty much all the churches on the west coast of Asia Minor. The Ephesians lived in Ephesus [big surprise] and their church was the largest in the area, hence the name. Now, the area was quite a popular spot for ships to stop off and resupply between Rome and the East, and as a result it had a fairly large variety of people. With this different variety of people came a wide variety of different religious beliefs. This naturally had a very large impact on how people who had lived in the area and had converted to Christianity applied the Bible.

Ephesians is a very general letter which is really just designed to get people to think about their newly gained faith, and how to apply it to their lives. Paul urges the reader to ensure that they have left their old lives behind and have removed all the impurities from their lives. Now I'm not sure how people draw the conclusion that the word "wholesome" means "don't swear" because it's clear that Paul is speaking about building people up, rather than breaking them down. In my mind, it makes more sense that Paul would be referring to breaking people down by calling them idiots than rather than telling people not to use potentially rude language. For me this verse really is irrelevant in the argument, but we'll use some other aspects from the book later.

The next book we encounter is Colossians. Now, the Colossians had lost the plot a bit because they had started teaching a false gospel. In this book Paul is basically trying to correct the Colossians by encouraging them to return to the simple truth of the gospel rather than complicating it.

Now, this verse seems to support the "No swearing" idea quite strongly if it weren't for the fact that this is completely out of context. In this passage Paul is speaking about how the Christians in Corinth spoke about each other. He wasn't saying that you may not have anger, he was saying that you shouldn't speak of each other with anger for one another. He wasn't saying that you may not use filthy language, he was saying that you shouldn't speak in a manner that will bring each other down. Basically he is reiterating what he had already said in Ephesians. In other translations, instead of saying filthy, you would read "offensive". In the context it makes a little more sense.

For me it is quite clear that when read with the full picture, these verses make much more sense, and are speaking of building one another up, rather than banning people from saying specific words.

Another thing that people try to throw in there is Matthew 12:36, or an equivalent, which states "But I tell you that men will have to give account on the day of judgement for every careless word they have spoken." At this stage people will try and argue that every word you speak will be brought up and used against you when we enter Heaven / eternal life and we should therefore consider our words carefully. In this case Christ is being quoted so out of context it raises the question, did this person actually read the text in its entirety? Because based on that reaction it's unlikely.

That's the end for today. Part 3 will be up tomorrow.

Christianity vs The Bible Part 1

2009-04-30T14:14:00.000-07:00

For some reason I've recently encountered quite a few people who would classify themselves as Christians and have some rather firm objections to swearing, drinking and smoking. In some extreme circumstances they even object to Christians going to clubs, or being in places that they associate with 'sin' or something equally ridiculous like that.

Now, as I'm sure you all know I consider myself to be a Christian. I also happen to love a good debate. So, I thought it would be cool to explain my view on the above things in my blog, over the next few days.

Before I start, I would like to make it clear that I am open to being wrong about any of the following, and this is just my opinion on the matter. The other thing to bear in mind is the fact that much of what I will elude to is part of my theology as a whole, so I can't explain everything. If I were to try and explain my theology as a whole, I would be writing a volume of books rather than a few pages.

Right, so people often hear me, or my friends who are also Christians swearing and can't understand why we swear, or how we can match our lifestyles with the fact that we are Christians.

These people will usually argue one or more of the following things: swearing, drinking, smoking or clubbing isn't what Christ would have done, and we need to show the world who Christ is; swearing, drinking, smoking or clubbing is a sin and we shouldn't be sinning for obvious reasons; Christians should be removed from the world, therefore we should remove ourselves by not partaking in 'worldly' activities such as smoking, clubbing etc.

Now, before I start let me say that many people have an idea of what Christianity is in their heads, meaning they have defined Christianity by a lifestyle and if your lifestyle isn't almost exactly the same you are wayward and are no longer glorifying God. This, in my opinion, is false.

John 20: 30 - 31 says "Jesus did many other miraculous signs in the presence of his disciples, which are not recorded in this book. But these are written so that you may believe that Jesus is Christ, the Son of God, and that by believing you may have life in his name."

Romans 6:15 to 8:17 speaks of how we die when the law comes into our lives, but as we believe in Christ we surpass the law of old and cling to a new set of beliefs, or principles, which can be found in Christ's life. Christianity is in my opinion a belief system which consists of principles that govern our lives. By living a life of integrity our behaviour will adhere to these principles.

Now, in saying this I believe that I am abolishing almost all set laws for living life, with these laws being substituted for a life governed by principles, and in doing so Christianity becomes something which is accessible to any culture, rather than creating a set of laws and requiring conversion to a culture the way that the old law, or Judaism, did.

That's the end of Part 1, check back tomorrow for Part 2.

Interlocking Sleeves

2009-04-29T16:49:00.000-07:00

At the moment I'm working on a longer blog entry which will explain my view on how Christianity and swearing, smoking and drinking fit together. I'm sure you'll all find this rather interesting, but for now you'll have to be satisfied with today's blog.

So, what is today's blog about? Well, today's blog is more about subtle messages than anything else really. I'm sure you all know that I am, and have for a few years now been seeing a psychologist every week or two. What you may not know is that when I was younger I was one of the most emotionally tender children you would have ever met, and to some extent that part of me is still alive and well.

You see, when I feel emotion I don't really feel it, I experience it. It engulfs me on a level I can't really explain. I literally experience pain when I feel emotion. And I think that as I child found this experience overwhelming and learned to shut it out at a fairly early stage.

Because of this, I think that I've become someone who thinks more than is healthy and avoids emotion. When I do experience emotion it cuts me, leaving scars which serve as a reminder as to why I don't venture into this territory. Instead, I try to understand emotion by rationalising it on a level it's not designed to operate on.

Because of this emotional hypersensitivity I don't engage emotionally with my mom or Cate. It's just too painful. I'm not sure if either of them have ever understood me but I know that I don't understand their actions, or the way they have dealt with the situation that they have been presented with. Their decisions have been their own, but not without consequences. And one of those consequences is my inability to ever connect with them ever again. I love my mom, and Cate is a good person, but I will never be able to do any more than converse with them ever again.

Because of this barrier, I have lost my family. But, in the words of Chris Martin, everything's not lost. I have gained a group of people with whom I feel completely comfortable. I don't feel as if I should be doing something special, I just need to be myself. These people are my friends, and they are the best group of people I've ever encountered. I would do anything for my friends, and I believe they feel the same way about me.

Now I'm sure that this all sounds overly dramatic, but it's the way I feel. If you disagree, it's my blog so fuck off. All I can say is that when my friends cry, so do I. And tonight I feel like crying, so I wanted to tell them what they mean to me.

The Blue Note

2009-04-25T04:41:00.000-07:00

Now, this week I didn't have a New Adventures blog simply because I hadn't blogged in about 3 weeks, and it would have been far too long for a single sitting, and I can't remember everything that happened. So, from next week there will be New Adventures on a Thursday, as usual. But this week I'm just going to tell a funny story or two, and give you a general idea of what's happening.

On Thursday I went with Pierre, Justin and Gareth to Gareth's university for a few reasons. First was to meet Gareth's potential lady friend, second was to have a good time and third was because I had no reason not to.

Anyway, while we were there we met up with a friend of the Jizzer's, and subsequently a friend of ours, Melissa. We decided to grab some lunch together because we [actually Gareth] had a free period and coffee time had arrived again. I gave Jan a call and let him know where we were, and he pulled through for a chat.

We were talking and having a laugh when I got up to throw a tin away. Now for those of you who don't know, at the university they have bins for different materials, each one with a different colour lid. So, the green one is for 'Other', the blue one is for 'Paper', the yellow one is for 'Plastic' and the red one is for 'Tin'.

So, I throw the tin away, and then want to throw the straw away, but at the time I didn't know which bin was the correct one [I hadn't read the lids yet]. I asked before walking across to find the appropriate bin. When I returned I said "I put it in the yellow one... That's what she said."

We all had a good lol, and then Jan says "Necrophelia - I put it in the blue one." Everyone stared blankly before packing out in laughter. I teared up a little I was laughing so much.

Later I regaled Matt with the story, to which he replied "I would have died of laughter. And then Jan would have fucked me." That was a classic rofl moment.

Anyway, the rest of the day was reasonably good too, so great. Today is Kelly's 21st party, and the truth is that I'm rather nervous because I still haven't managed to swap my Butler's shift out. Well that's not entirely true because I originally thought the party was on Friday, so I did swap my shift out. But it turned out it was on Saturday, and I now am supposed to work. I really don't want too though, because it means I'll only finish at like 22h30, if not later.

I phoned the manager, Marcell yesterday, and asked him if he could try and organise something for me. He's going to try, but I suspect that I'll end up working. If I do, I'm going to inform them that I will be leaving early. So, no qualms. Well, hopefully anyway.

This has been a completely meaningless blog, but I hope you laughed at the story. Jan truly is a wonderful man.

Hearing My Brain

2009-04-20T15:12:00.000-07:00

I'm not sound of mind. On some sort of fundamental level, deep under the conscious thought patterns I've structured, something is brewing. It never stops. It never goes away. It just bubbles away: formulating, conjuring, processing and taunting.

I often catch myself sitting alone, in deep thought, rocking myself as if somehow swaying to and fro will stabilise the cauldron that is my subconscious. I've read research that indicates that this motion is employed when the mind is trying to find security. I suspect this may be true.

There are days when the cauldron bubbles over a bit, and I am overrun with feelings of exasperation and anguish. There are days when the cauldron overflows and my thoughts become violently scattered, emotion is numbed and the world looks darker.

But the days to be feared are the days when the cauldron is rocked off its legs. On those days the mind becomes a black hole of death and violence. The world falls out of view and reason is submerged in agony.

We have a society that loves to cover these things up. People don't talk about their problems, they smile and shake hands. They meet the social requirements so they can lie to people because they know what they would do to someone who admitted they felt the way they do. But who's truly sicker? The man who stands up and says "I'm depressed" or the man who goes home and masturbates to child porn?

There's a Dream Theater song entitled Repentance, and at the end of the song John Petrucci makes a wonderful observation. A man says "You're only as sick as your secrets, but the truth shall set you free", to which John responds "The truth is the truth, all you can do is live with it"

I don't know if it's because my mind processes things on a different level, but I do believe my demons are different to the average person's. I don't believe it's normal to rock yourself to security when you are alone in thought. I don't believe it's normal to feel truly exasperated by morals, or social norms, or humanity itself.

But as long as I notice myself rocking, I believe I'm a lot more sound of mind than most of the people I meet. I don't believe I'll ever stop rocking when I'm alone. Over the last seven years it's become a security in itself, a sign of sanity. It's not going away, it's part of my truth. All I can do is live with it.

Now, I didn't write this blog to let you all know how far down the rabbit hole I may be, I wrote it to provoke a question: What is your truth that you have to live with?

Core Beliefs

2009-04-19T07:11:00.000-07:00

Today's blog is about a saga that's been going on in my life since the Easter weekend. I put some lyrics up in my status on Facebook and got a reply from someone who clearly didn't agree with what the lyrics had said. The way he came across was rather rude so I decided to attempt to engage with this man in a more private conversation, namely email.

I started off by explaining how I interpreted the lyrics, and then finding out what he believed the problem was. His reply to this was rather confusing, and it was at this stage that I started thinking that his definition of core Christian beliefs may be different to mine.

His reply confirmed the fore mentioned suspicion when he stated that he believes all sinful nature is gone based on Christ's sacrifice. This is not what I believe, and it's not what I believe the Bible teaches.

At this stage this man also stated the following: "i myself am immune to sickness, poverty, failure , etc simply bcoz i know what the bible says. e.g 'greater is he who is in you, than he who is in the world' "

Now, at this I became rather enraged because I don't believe that anything in the Bible teaches anything like this. In my head I said "Mother fucker, this is the prosperity gospel." I did a fair amount of research and thinking before replying and asking him to read Romans 5 - 8:17, and quoted Romans 7:21 - 25 which states:

"So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God - through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God's law, but in the sinful nature a slave to the law of sin."

His response claimed that the passage spoke about awareness, and that if you are aware of sinful nature being gone, it is. I don't remember anything in the passage even slightly hinting at any sort of awareness leading to a desired outcome. At this stage I felt that he was not even reading or considering what I had to say and tried to call a truce.

It didn't work. He responded with something he tried to sell as an argument, but was actually just a list of almost true statements. Things like "we are made in Christ's image." and obscure verses from Psalms.

I read everything he stated in depth and after calming down I responded by addressing everything he had said in a Biblical context before saying that as long as he believed that he was doing what was right, I didn't mind. I did however, urge him to reassess his beliefs from a theological, historical and literary critic's perspective, to which he replied with some more almost-truths before telling me that no context was needed.

Then he accused me of being a Christian who was too 'young' to understand righteousness, and quoted Hebrews 5:11 - 14. I don't believe he knows what that passage is actually speaking about, but anyway.

I sent a firm message back saying that I believed that what he had said made sense if you read all the random versus he'd pulled out as blank statements, and not part of a larger work; so if you read them out of context. I also said that his raping of the Bible enraged me and I'd prefer if we stopped debating because I don't believe he's hearing me out and we're doing more harm than good.

This man's final response said that he felt sorry for me because I didn't know God and that "your knowledge will take you nowhere, ur "context" will bring you nothing.. if you read what i told you to, then you will know that what i am saying is truth."

Now, the fact that we disagree didn't anger me. The fact that he wouldn't consider what I had to say irritated me, but the fact that he continues to destroy the Bible makes me immensely angry.

I just don't understand how he can choose to disregard context. If I were to read a James Bond book without any context I would have the most distorted view of the cold war, humans and technology, but when I understand that it is a fictional book I suddenly realise it's not supposed to be an accurate reflection of humanity or a period of time.

The same principle applies to the Bible. Without a clear picture of who the writer was, when it was written, and what the overall picture is we can't begin to understand what a single verse may be trying to say.

So, the reason I've put this up is to find out what you think. Was I being unreasonable? Am I being overly strung up? Or am I completely right? What are your views?

Shorthand Messages

2009-04-18T03:53:00.000-07:00

Well, hello all once again. It's been about 2 weeks since I last blogged, and the truth is that I've missed it. I haven't blogged for a few reasons, mostly because I've haven't had much to say, but I really want to carry on writing, so I'll continue to blog 5 - 7 times a week, and you can let me know if it's become a load of shit.

A fair amount has happened since I last blogged: I've met some wonderful people, and made a few good friends, I ran into the ocean mostly naked in front of a large number of strangers to save a friend [which later turned out to be less heroic than I'd hoped because he didn't need as much saving as I'd been led to believe], I've become a pizza delivery boy until I go to Joburg in June, I've gotten some great new music and I've encountered some people that have angered me immensely.

Now, I shall blog on a few of the above incidents, but today's blog revolves around a man who astounded me more than angered me, but by doing so has given me some food for thought.

Before we think about what he said, let's consider something that is related. Do you ever think about what you wear? Do you ever get up in the morning, and wear specific clothes so as to 'say' something? When you buy your clothes do you consider the message it will send to people you encounter?

I know I do. You may not consider it on a conscious level, but the truth is that these things are processed by our brains, and we send the same message or reiterate that message, by our body language every minute of every day.

Example, I am a fan of metal and hardcore and I like to think that I send that message by the clothes I wear. If you've never met me, I wear mostly black. So, I like wearing black t shirts and shirts, black jerseys, black shoes and occasionally black blazers [I like blazers, but for the most part the climate doesn't agree]. I usually wear dark blue jeans, just to make the different textures noticeable [yes I've thought of the different textures]. I also have long hair.

Now, I may have thought this through more than most people but the same is true for everyone, just to varying degrees. So, the question is, should this principle be carried through to other aspects of our lives?

Recently a few of my friends attended a charismatic church, and the preacher used the story of Moses and the burning bush to justify his idea that all churches should have big sound, bright lights and the like because we need to "sell the gospel" effectively. Now, this made me rather upset because besides the fact that you can't in any way extrapolate that from Exodus 3, I've never read anything in the Bible that tells we need to "sell the gospel".

But the truth is that, while he may have been taking that to the next level, we do send a message to people and if we're hoping that people are going to accept Jesus we should be intentional about the message we send. That doesn't mean we need big lights and pyrotechnics, but maybe just keeping the seats clean would help.

So, was what he had to say worthy of the reaction it provoked from me? Well, what he had to say contained an element of truth, but by trying to make Exodus 3 fit into it, well that's what truly upset me.

You see, I believe that most of what people say contains some amount of truth, irrespective of how small. There is usually some truth to be found. It's why I almost never disregard what anyone has to say. There are of course times when what people have to say is just a big load of shit, but even then if we can dig through our own perceptions and judgement, there's something we can learn.

I know this is a weak blog, but it's just a short one this time. There will be some better ones in the coming days, I hope.

Work

2009-03-30T07:22:00.000-07:00

Right, so I haven't blogged for a while and the truth is that I've had very little to say that I can fit into one to two pages. This is all about to change because I now have a problem / dilemma.

Here's the deal, I have a job and it's starting in June. Until then I have pretty much nothing to do, and as a result pretty much no money. Now, Donovan got a job delivering pizzas recently, and through this so did Gareth. Now, I have the opportunity to do the same, but I don't know if I want to do it.

The reasons I am not sure are very simple and pretty stupid actually. First, I have a fantastic friend, Justin's birthday on Saturday and if I start working then I will need to work on Saturday night. Now the party will be in Betty's Bay which is quite a way away so to work until 23h00 and then drive through isn't really an option. So, I'm thinking either I tell them that I can't work and that's that or I just start working from next week.

The second thing is that I feel pretty shit working for them for literally 8 weeks and the quitting. It doesn't seem right to me, but perhaps I should just go for it.

Anyway, I'm going to be earning great cash working as an ATC from June, so bargain either way. At this stage I just have to decide if I want some cash now, which I do, but how badly? I think I should just do it and get over myself. It's not that big a problem, but who knows? Life...

New Adventures 19th - 26th

2009-03-26T08:40:00.000-07:00

Friday

Friday afternoon Pierre came over and we had some coffee before going through to buy some drinks for a party we were going to have that evening. After picking it all up we played some FIFA while having a hub. It was a good game, mostly because I won but also because it was a fantastic hub, so good one Pierre.

We arrived at Daddy Long Legs in Long Street as the gig was starting, and I got to see an old friend for the first time in a while. Hugh is a truly wonderful man who loves Star Wars more than anyone else I know, which I think is fantastic.

Unfortunately Hugh had to leave a few minutes later on account of the fact that he too was performing a gig that evening. So, I went outside where I found Pierre and Gareth chatting to some random engaged women. I can't remember her name but I do remember that she was engaged, and had only gotten engaged on Tuesday. Her 'to be husband's' name is Kenny and he is an Engineer in America. Very random conversations, but good fun nonetheless.

We also met a Polish man who's family had come over to South Africa during World War 2. His father played the trombone, and he was a system analyst. He was really nice, but I have no idea how to spell his name.

Shortly after making friends with random people, and seeing Shelly again, the Jizzer arrived from a trip to the beach. He was not as happy as he had wished he would have been so we decided to leave and get some dinner.

After stopping off at Steers, we headed back to Pierre's flat. He and I had decided to have a good time that evening and I had arranged to sleep over, which wasn't part of the fore mentioned good time.

After a few really tight games of FIFA, Matt and Tessa arrived and we had some interesting conversations. At about 22h30 or so Gareth and Justin decided to leave and we had another hub. I think it was around this time that we realised that Tessa was fairly drunk and Pierre and I were mostly ok. It was pretty funny actually...

After Matt coerced Tessa into leaving we spent about an hour trying to get Pierre's Toneport to work before watching a movie and later I watched some football.

I slept on the couch until about 09h00 when Mavis, Pierre's domestic worker, arrived. I realised that I was going to be in this poor woman's way so I went to Pierre's room and climbed into the bed. I saw that he wasn't wearing a shirt, and I could see his feet and shins. I didn't know if he was wearing pants, but I was too tired to care. I just got in and went to sleep.

Saturday

After some good coffee Pierre and I went through to my house and had some lunch with the family. My gran, being the mental she is, provided Pierre with some comic relief, and the rest of us with a reason for our pre-existing insanity.

From there we did the rounds picking everyone up before heading out to visit Candice Lotter, all the way in Paarl.

I don't know why but the drive there always seems much longer that the drive back, but it was fairly bearable so no qualms. We got there first, and after meeting all the relevant parties [namely Candice's parents] we went outside and sat on some blankets.

Shortly after we arrived some more people came and introduced themselves, and amongst this group of people was a true gem. A wonderful man named Riaan. He and his girlfriend couldn't be more opposite, based on what I've seen, but they are both fairly friendly people who strike me as being honest.

Riaan gave us some new music, so I immediately loved him. He played paintball so Matthew immediately loved him and he studied Theology so Justin immediately loved him. All in all, a wonderful man.

After some fantastic chats with Riaan, he and a large group of people left quite early and we continued to chat to Val, Mandy and Candice. Matthew regaled us with some amusing stories before we eventually left sometime after midnight I think.

A good evening, or I thought so anyway. I think everyone enjoyed.

Monday

Monday evening Pierre, Justin and I went through for Mercury Monday, and while it wasn't our best evening there ever we did get to see Failing Forward and the 'good spell' of music was longer than normal.

If we're honest Failing Forward were quite a fail. Not only were their riffs sloppy, but pretty much the entire band was out of time and the vocals were not very good. They had fantastic gear though, so good times there.

After some good headbanging we decided to call it a night and ended up leaving at about 01h00 which was an early evening for us.

Tuesday

Tuesday was a good day. Well, actually Tuesday evening was a good evening. I saw a fantastic film entitled "Watchmen". Probably one of the best films I've ever seen. So great, I'll talk about it later.

Wednesday

I had family from Joburg around so I couldn't go to Bible Study, but I did go through to the Oxford Arms where I met up with Val and Candice which was good. After debating prices of prostitutes we had a few drinks with Donovan, Riaan, Alex and Charlie before leaving at about midnight again. Good times.

Bleak

2009-03-23T10:26:00.001-07:00

I've had a weird day. Today I feel overwhelmed. Nothing's different, nothing's changed but today I feel like everything in my house is just too much. Like the walls are closing in, and I don't know why.

So what's so overwhelming? Well, it's actually only two things. First, Cate. Second, my gran. I don't know why but today they are both just irritating me with pretty much everything they do. Rubbing me up the wrong way, and it's not fun.

Now, I realise that this irritation is a symptom, but I don't know what it's a symptom of and I think that's adding fuel to the fire.

I believe that when you feel an emotion, it doesn't need to be fixed or taken away, it's part of life and while it's there it should be experienced. That doesn't mean that the emotion isn't there for a reason, or that the deeper meaning behind the emotion shouldn't be addressed.

If you're angry with the world, there's usually a reason. And while denying the fact that you're angry is the wrong approach, disregarding why you may be angry isn't the right approach.

So today I'm irritated, and I don't know why. I'm not tired, but maybe I'm just worn out. Maybe the emotional boxing ring that is my house is winning, and defeat is imminent.

I don't know what defeat would mean, but I do know that emotionally I'm worn thin.

Perhaps there is no deeper meaning than I am struggling to live with a woman who should be my father and a woman who spends her time telling everyone what they are doing wrong.

But I suspect there is. I don't know what it would be but I think that it's there. So I'll keep on looking for now, hopefully something will turn up.

New Adventures 12th - 19th

2009-03-19T15:28:00.000-07:00

Friday

Friday evening I went through to a new friend of mine's 21st which was being held at a cricket club down the road from my house. I got there and found out that the alcohol was free, so bloody bargain.

We sat outside greeting people for a while before getting a few drinks and listening to some good old power metal. Nothing super special happened in the evening, other than drinking a fair amount, eating some fantastic spring rolls and headbanging to Lamb of God.

Charlie is a wonderful man, and so is his family [inside joke, sorry] so to celebrate his birthday with him was great fun. We heard some good stories and Donovan and Alex actually stopped mocking him for an evening which was a welcome change for us all actually.

So, Charlie you are a fantastic friend and a truly generous man. Have a good 'un.

Saturday

Saturday was a fairly normal day, until lunch time. Liverpool played Manchester United at Old Trafford, and I got much more than I expected. I think everyone did actually. I was expecting quite a tight game, but it wasn't really, with Liverpool raping United 4-1. After that, Chelsea's standing in the Premier League looked really good, so I was immediately happy about the result.

From there Justin, Candice, Gareth and I went through to another get together at a bar in Edward's street for another friend's 21st. To be honest I actually don't really know the guy at all, but I've met him at a few parties and spoken to him a few times on Facebook so he wasn't a complete stranger.

The evening was rather strange but in the end it was ok. After a weird start it ended up being fairly chilled which was cool I guess.

Sunday

On Sunday I watched BSG and then went through to Justin's house to watch Chelsea play Manchester City. The game wasn't particularly good because while Chelsea dominated the entire 90 minutes, they didn't score a lot of goals. In fact, it looked as if Manchester City just weren't trying or something although I suspect they were.

After the game we headed through to church where the pastor spoke on Col 1:9 - 20. It wasn't anything theologically challenging, but it was the gospel and I enjoyed that immensely.

After church, Johann joined Justin, Pierre, Gareth, Matt and I at Val's house for some coffee and biscuits. The biscuits didn't turn out as Val had hoped but they were great anyway, and we had some interesting chats. Always fun.

Monday

Monday was quite a lazy day, but we had decided to go through to Mercury in the evening. I don't know how it happened but Pierre, Justin and I ended up going without anyone else, which turned out to be a bit of a bad decision.

We got there and noticed that a car parked behind mine had its window smashed. First sign of trouble. After talking to a disinterested car guard I resolved to move my car immediately and continued with the evening.

The three of us walked in, hoping for a good metal song to get us going. The truth is that every week we go to Mercury we sort of dance, sort of mock people while we wait for a hard rock / metal song. When the heavier song comes along we headbang violently and usually draw a fair amount of attention before returning to sort of standing around. It's good fun, but for some reason they just weren't playing any good rock or much good music for that matter.

We were a bit despondent but decided to make a night of it so we stuck it out. We were semi dancing when two girls ended up dancing next to us and sort of made a move to join us which we semi-reluctantly accepted. One of the girls started talking to Pierre, asking him his name. Now, I'm sure you all know that clubs are pretty loud, and in order to hear each other talking you have to lean toward each other and pretty much shout over the music.

Pierre being a seasoned clubber, leaned in to tell the girl his name and as he did this the girl in question did the same. Their heads met with a firm bang sound, followed by Pierre apologising profusely and this girl looking as if she may cry. Pierre looked at me and I just shouted "FFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUU"

We had a good lol, not expecting to see the girls again. One of them left, and the other went to say goodbye and the evening continued. Shortly thereafter they headbutted girl returned and continued to dance with us.

Then she asked Pierre if we come here often because we don't fit in. At least she's forward.

A little later some heavier songs were played and we went mental, and ended up headbanging with this other random guy who was pretty cool, and he had who seemed to be his sister and two girls with him. After some good System of a Down and The Narrow we did some normal 'semi dancing semi mocking' moves and continued to sing along to some of the more ridiculous songs they play.

The headbutted girl, named Anika, hovered around us the entire night before eventually saying goodbye. She did eventually leave, but not before requesting Pierre's phone number. Pierre panicked and gave her a fake number. Such a lol.

At about 02h00 we left and decided we would never go back without a girl. It was just weird being three guys...

Tuesday

Battlestar Gallactica. That's it.

Wednesday

Wednesdays are our day for going to a pub in Durbanville named the Oxford Arms, but this week we had arranged to go to Johann's Bible study beforehand, and it was pretty cool. We broke up into groups of 12 - 15 people and then read different passages of scripture before studying them and discussing how we interpret them and could apply the newly gained knowledge to our lives.

Pierre and I ended up in a group of people who are currently working through Romans, and we read Romans 3: 21-26. The passage was fairly straight forward, with a bit of a twist in the end. I have my ideas on what it means, but I think it will require some study to entirely understand how versus 25 and 25 fit into the Old Testament, Salvation and Jesus' life.

Our group was very quiet and they didn't seem to grasp a lot of what was said, but perhaps they weren't saying anything because there were new people in the group. I don't know. Pierre and I did however enjoy the time and will be returning, probably every week. The people are really nice, and they are actually interested in the intricacies of scripture which truly is a rare trait.

Aggressively Outgoing

2009-03-18T15:54:00.000-07:00

So I was talking to my mom on Tuesday afternoon and I was telling her about a situation one of my friends is currently in, and my mom said that I need to be more supportive. I said to her "What makes you think I'm not being supportive?" and she replied by saying "I know you and I know that you are very strong with people and tend to push them overly hard. You need to stop talking and just listen."

Then, on Wednesday afternoon she told me I must be careful because I can come across overly aggressively and people can get the wrong message simply. Now, to some extent this it true. I love breaking people's perception, and irrespective of whether I think they are right or wrong I like making people think about why they believe something, or why they think something.

I don't care what their conclusion is, and I don't care if I agree with their conclusion I just want them to think about why they believe something. And in most cases I will push people pretty hard, and fairly far before I am happy that they believe something for a reason.

Now, I know that by doing this I probably alienate quite a few people but I guess for me the truth is that if you aren't willing to hear what I have to say then we're going to have a problem anyway. I probably do come across as overly strong at times, but for the most part it isn't intentional. I want to be firm, but I don't want to shatter people's lives.

I don't like being wrong, and perhaps that's why I push people so hard. I believe that truth and being right is what really makes a difference in the world. I don't really care if you're wrong, I just want to be right. In fact, I don't mind being wrong if it means that I know what is right. And I push myself even harder than I push the people around me. Why I say, do or believe anything is more important to me than living at all.

So do you think that by pushing people around me I push them away? Should I be pushing the people around me at all, or should I just let them be? In my opinion if you can't take hearing what I have to say then we're probably not going to be good friends at all because I spill the beans on any topic at any time. No qualms.

To be fair, I probably should shut up a bit more though...

Once Burnt, Twice Shy

2009-03-17T14:46:00.000-07:00

I actually hate that saying but it was the first thing that jumped to mind when I wanted to name this blog so whatever. Anyway, I'm scared of getting into a romantic relationship because I've seen quite a few of my friends burnt badly by being in relationships.

I'm fairly sure that if we looked at the numbers we would find that the majority of relationships fail, but that isn't what is causing my apprehension. I have not one, not two but three friends who were in what they would classify as fulfilling, long term relationships only for the relationship to end rather unexpectedly for reasons initially unknown and probably still not understood.

In all of these cases my friends were male and were totally committed to the relationship. In two of the cases these friends were seriously considering marriage and I would consider these friends of mine to be good men who didn't deserve the heartache they had to endure.

Now I understand the idea that it was much better to have found out that your significant other isn't as committed as you are before marriage than after, but in all of these cases the relationship in question lasted for over 2 years, and in one of the cases it lasted for almost 4 years.

Now surely after a year of dating someone you know them well enough to be able to say if you would be able to live with them at all, if not for the rest of your life. And if the answer is "No, I can't live with this person" then isn't it your responsibility to be honest and either work on your relationship or part ways amicably?

But in all three cases my friends trusted their partner completely and felt that they were being totally honest with each other. Which means that either the other person just hadn't thought about it or the other person had decided that being in a relationship was convenient enough that they didn't want to upset their own lives.

I understand that I'm seeing this all from the outside and it is tainted by my experiences. Perhaps I'm being overly critical, but it seems as if someone was being dishonest...

So what is the answer? I don't know. Let's not lie to ourselves, the divorce rate in the world is fucking high and I don't think that's because there are a lot of people having shotgun weddings. In fact, I don't know if there is any sort of pattern that can be found which contributes to divorces but I can say that based on the relationships I've observed and the statistics I've seen I don't know if I believe in marriage. More to the point, I don't know if I believe in romantic relationships.

Based on what I've seen people put in an immense amount of effort and it seldom pays off with more than unbearable heartache. My mother thought she knew my father until one day he said "I want to be a woman". Now he wears women's clothing and is getting his cock cut off.

Truth is that I've never experienced a romantic relationship, and I don't know if I want to. I'm just not sold on the idea. Perhaps that's why the only relationship I'm likely to enter [at this point in time] is one where both parties are as independant as possible with an almost clinical approach as to who does what, when and why. I honestly don't know...

Holding Midfield

2009-03-17T13:25:00.000-07:00

On Tuesday last week Chelsea played Juventus in Turin and on Sunday they played Manchester City and in both games they did something that I wasn't expecting, from a tactical perspective.

In both games I expected Essien to play in the holding midfielder's position taking over from Mikel but in both cases he played on the right of central midfield. For the first game the team played a slightly more defensive formation of 4-1-3-2 with Mikel in the holding midfield position and Anelka playing further back than he usually would.

But the really interesting game was on Sunday against Manchester City when they played their standard 4-1-2-3, with Ballack in the holding midfielder's position. Theoretically it should be fine because as a box to box midfielder all he would do is play a slightly more defensively than normal, but for Hiddink to have chosen him for this role instead of Mikel surprised me a bit.

So, I got thinking about what the role of a holding midfielder really is, and after some reading and thinking I have found that the holding midfielder has two jobs. First, he is there to stop any cross or pass which may come from midfield to the strikers and will do this by placing himself in the path of the opposition midfielder and the forwards who may be trying to get behind the defence. By doing this the opposition are unable to push any long balls forward, and greatly reduces their ability to counter attack, thereby slowing their entire game down.

The second role is to initiate attacks. In order to do this the holding midfielder has to be an extremely quick thinker so that he may assess the field placement and decide who to pass to so as best to set the team up for a tactically strong attack. He also has to be able to cover small distances in a very short period and would of course have to be able to accurately and quickly pass the ball from any position on the field.

After thinking about this it is clear to me that Essien isn't a holding midfielder. Sure he can play in that position, but he is strongest in central midfield where he can make strong tackles and provide through balls for the forwards.

And while Mikel is effective in his defensive role, his attack initialisation is not up to scratch. Sure he's young and I suspect he'll get much better in this position over the next few years, but Chelsea need someone to fill this position now and think Hiddink may have made the best decision by choosing Ballack.

He can with out a doubt make extremely strong tackles, but his experience is what will make his transition to this role so smooth. Not only will he be able to anticipate attacks, he can start them just as easily as we saw on Sunday.

So, I suspect Ballack will be filling the holding midfield position for a while, with Mikel sitting in the background learning for the next few months.

I don't think Ballack will be leaving Chelsea at the end of the season even though there is talk of the squad being revamped, I do think that at least 5 and possibly even up to 7 players will be leaving at the end of May with at least as many, and probably close to 10 players coming in with a new manager, said to be Frank Rijkaard.

These are the players I think will be leaving: Deco, Mineiro, Malouda, Del Pierro, and possibly Belletti, Ferreira, Anelka and Hilaro.

These are the positions I think need to be filled: Second and possibly third string goal keeper, left back, right back, central midfield x 2, left wing x 2 and striker.

With a new coach coming in these players would be bought specifically for a role and formation and as Jose Mourinho as shown, doing this can prove to be extremely successful.

Playing Second Fiddle

2009-03-16T10:51:00.000-07:00

Do you ever get the feeling that you're just not good enough? Like you're doing your thing as best you can but in a specific aspect you're just not up to par? I do.

I'll be honest with you, I feel inferior when it comes to any aspect of romantic relationships. I think I'm a great guy who has a lot to offer the people around me but when it comes to relationships of a romantic nature I don't believe what I have to give is worth anything. And it bothers me, more than I wish it did.

One of my greatest friends, Justin, has a way with women. He knows how they work, he knows how to communicate with them and he is so confident it amazes me. When I look at how he carries himself, how he speaks and reacts I know I could never do that.

Now, before people start building a story in their minds let me be clear, there is no girl I am currently trying to hook up with. There is no conflict of interest, I'm just trying to improve myself.

But it seems to me that relationships of a romantic nature are built in a specific way, they are approached in a specific way and if they are not approached in that specific manner they don't go anywhere. And the truth is that I don't fully understand how to build these types of relationships.

And the parts that I do understand feel wrong. I just can't do 'those' things. Example, I was talking to another friend of mine, Matt and I said I could never tell a girl I love her while flirting with her. He said "Take for example, a girl says 'my favorite band is Lamb of God' and then I could respond 'I think I love you'"

While I understand the premise for this response, I just can't do that. It feels wrong. I don't have a reason why, it just feels wrong, almost deceptive.

But I'm scared that if I don't do these things I won't ever be able to approach a relationship in the correct manner, and will therefore never be able to have any sort of romantic relationship.

I should point out at this stage that I have never had a girlfriend, and don't regret that at all. Perhaps I am overly conservative, or maybe I just take life to seriously but on some level I feel that not doing things I don't feel comfortable with will be a good thing in the end. I don't know. Maybe I'm just destined to be alone or something else much less terrible than it sounds.

So, what do you think? Am I just being a coward? Should I just do some of the things I feel uncomfortable with? Or am I making the right decision but applying my 'trade' in the wrong way? Or am I just over thinking this whole thing?

What are your experiences with romantic relationships and approaching them?

Fix You

2009-03-14T09:15:00.000-07:00

So, recently I read a note on Facebook written by a girl I know but am not really friends with. She's sort of a friend of a friend who I've met two or three times and while I don't really know her I can clearly identify with what she wrote in her note.

In the note she says that she has been hiding from everyone because she doesn't want to lie to them anymore, she says she feels as if she has a 'sad soul' and this has left her feeling helpless and with nowhere to turn. She feels as if she needs to change because she believes in the Lord but as much as she prays nothing is changing or getting any better. And as she tries to find the answers, she slowly but surely wears herself thinner and thinner.

Now, I chose not to reply to this note because I don't really know this girl or her circumstances well enough to respond in a way that would carry any meaning. I do however understand how she feels.

As I finished reading the note I saw that quite a few people had responded to this note, and what they had to say angered me immensely.

The first person said

"your cup will fill up again..continue to have faith.
WE LOVE YOU"

and as I read that I exclaimed "for fuck's sake..."

Most of the comments that followed were equally meaningless and and only served to intensify my rage. People said things like "It all works out for the best" and "Trust in the Lord" and I remembered people saying the same things to me. None of it ever helps, in fact I would say that nothing will really help.

I remembered speaking to my psychologist a few years ago and saying "Why am I not allowed to feel sad? Why can't I be depressed?" and after a few sessions I came to the conclusion that people see sadness as a problem. If there is a reason you feel sad it doesn't matter. The problem isn't the problem, sadness is the problem for most people. And it makes me very angry.

I believe that sadness is an emotion in the same way happiness or anger are emotions. These emotions need to be felt and experienced and not justified. Sadness doesn't need to be reasoned away, it should be embraced.

The trick to life isn't sorting everything out or fixing things, it's living with the reality we're faced with and making the best decisions we can. That's it, nothing else.

People don't need to be fixed, they need to be loved. This is not a hit and run where we can help someone get better and then walk away looking for the next broken wing case, friendships are created and as people go through shit we go through it with them, that's what it's about. It's not about dispensing life lessons, it's about sitting in the room with that person in their darkest hour.

Now, I'm not saying that everyone who replied to that note was a cunt, far from it. Many of her true friends said they love her and would like to help in any way they could, but the superficial fools who say things like "Your cup will fill up again" can fuck off in my opinion.

New Adventures 5th - 12th

2009-03-12T12:57:00.000-07:00

Before I start, I'd like to let everyone know that I have decided to cut back my blogging from every day to about 5 times a week. I don't want my blogs to ramble, I want them to be meaningful and to write that much which is worth reading is fairly difficult. Anyway, here we go...

Friday

Friday got off to a good start, with Pierre coming over to my house to drop off Battlestar Gallactica [BSG] seasons. He and I ended up having a good chat over some lunch and just hanging out for the afternoon.

I'm not sure when, but at some stage we decided to go through to meet up with an old friend of his in Long Street at a place called 'The Waiting Room'. We arrived to find that Shelly, the friend in question, had not yet arrived so we decided to get a drink and take a walk around for a bit.

The place was really cool and the atmosphere made it feel more like a house party than a club. After walking up an extremely narrow flight of stairs that must have ascended at least three stories we encountered a fairly narrow 'lobby' area. The first thing I noticed was that the floors were wooden and there were some deliberate details on the walls. Lighting was pleasant, and the music was forceful but not loud.

There were couches everywhere and 'funky' rugs on the ground to break the spaces. The bar was in one corner, and opposite was a long balcony inviting people to sit and look over Long Street. Another set of stairs was found next to the bar. After getting our drinks we went upstairs to find another area which had been strategically broken into two smaller and more intimate areas.

This area lead to a sheltered outside area where we found some picnic benches where we could sit and chat. Because we were further away from the sound system, the music became more atmospheric and less forceful, which was great.

From this outside area we found yet another narrow staircase that lead to the roof, and on the roof were many couches, picnic benches and tables. It was fantastic.

Needless to say, I thought the 'club' was great, even if the bar was quite awful. Ok, it wasn't awful but our drinks were warm, and with the temperature already being at least 30, probably more, this wasn't ideal.

We sat in the first outside area, hoping that seats on the roof would eventually open up while we waited for Shelly. The seats never arrived, Shelly did. We went inside and started telling random stories, some of which were funny others were just weird.

Shelly seemed like a nice enough girl, but she was a little reserved. Can't blame her though, she only met Gareth and I that evening.

At some stage Gareth let us know he wanted to go dancing. I wasn't too keen, but I figured it'd be best to just go along with it and see what happened. We went looking at all the clubs, but things weren't looking up.

First stop was a place called Fiction. We didn't actually make it inside because the people outside told us it was dead. So we moved on to a place Pierre thought might be good: Joburg. Not the city, it's apparently also a shit club.

After Pierre payed for Gareth and I to get inside, it was the biggest let down ever. The dance floor was about the size of a coffee table, with the worst music ever, and the people were mostly just drunk. After about 5 minutes we all knew this was going south quickly and we needed to leave.

After fighting our way past the bar, we went to Zula Bar, which was also dead. If Zula Bar is dead at midnight, you know there are problems. Not knowing what to do next, we decided to try an old hang out place Pierre knew called Pixies. When we got there it was closed, not sure why but it was.

So, we crossed the road and went to Rafiki's. We got a good table outside and just sat talking about French, and speaking French for that matter. I didn't know what was cutting...

At about 01h00 or so we decided to leave and assured Shelly we'd see her again. Don't know when but I think we'll see her again.

Saturday

Saturday started off quite slowly, I finished watching Heroes season 3, and was not impressed. Far too predictable, and clinical to some extent. The plot did have a few interesting moments, but that was it. I'm sure lots of people disagree, but I don't care.

At about 19h00 or so, Justin gave me a call and told me he had spoken to a 'new' friend of ours, Candice. I had met her once before at a party on Valentine's day, and knew she lived in Paarl. That's far away, in case you don't know. Anyway, Justin was talking to her on Facebook chat and found out that she couldn't use the car, so he suggested that we go through there for a fairly chilled evening. I had nothing to do, and thought it would be cool to have a change of scenery so off we went.

Candice lives on a golf estate, and it's bloody big. After getting lost trying to find the place, we worked out that we should have turned left at a circle and after about 10 minutes of driving we found her house.

After meeting her parents and her sister's boyfriend we went outside for a cup of coffee and had a good chat. We ended up staying until about 2am, having some fairly interesting conversations with her and her sister's boyfriend, Royce. I don't know if that's how to spell his name, so please forgive me if I got it wrong.

A little after leaving, Justin told me that he was hungry, and so was I. We contemplated stopping off at a petrol station to get something to eat but decided that we'd be fine after all. We weren't. About 2 kms after passing the petrol station both of us decided we needed food, and before we got home.

I remembered that the McDonald's at N1 City is now 24 hours, so we decided to stop off there for dinner. When we got there, the que was much longer than you'd expect it would be at 3am, but figured most of the guys were probably drunk and needed food to sober up, so whatever.

We stopped behind a red golf, and the guy in the car had left a fairly large gap between his car and the car in front. Thinking that he was just looking at the menu or something we disregarded it. After at least 2, probably closer to 3 minutes of no movement we started wondering if he was awake of if he'd passed out. As we were wondering what was going on he started pulling forward quite slowly.

He rounded the corner and just before the window where you place your orders, I saw a woman's head pop up from his lap.

We were like, what the fuck just happened. Clearly this woman had 'gone down' on him while in the line to order food. Justin and I just laughed.

After he got his milkshake he got his order and left.

Good story...

Sunday

Sunday I started watching BSG, before going to church on Sunday evening. Pierre, Justin, Matthew and I all though the pastor's sermon was good, but he viewed the text from an extremely conservative perspective, which I didn't entirely agree with. He spoke from John 8:31-59, and referenced it to John 20:30-31. If you're interested read it, and we'll have a chat.

After church we went through to Val's house where we had some good q&a time with her and Mandy.

Apparently next week we're getting coffee and cookies, so bargain.

Monday

BSG. That's all I have to say.

Tuesday

Tuesday evening Chelsea played the away leg against Juventus, and drew. On aggregate they went through to the next round which I was quite happy with.

We also went to see one of Gareth's friend, Len, perform with his band at a really cool pub named The Eye Of Horus. They had a really good live performance, and I wish them good luck for the battle of the bands competition.

Wednesday

Wednesday evening Pierre came over to my house for dinner and after a fairly rushed dinner we got ready and headed out to the Oxford Arms for drinks. While I was picking Matthew up I noticed Jan had sent me an sms asking if I would be able to pick him up. Being a fantastic friend, I drove through to his res just below UCT and from there we went through to Durbanville for a good time.

We've met Johann's friends a few time, and every time we meet them they warm up to us a little. This week they arrived before Johann and greeted us which was great. They seem like really nice people, and we sort of watched some football together which was nice. I think they are taken aback by our vulgar language and possibly our honesty. We just call it as we see it, and I think a lot of people hear that and think we're weird or something.

Anyway, this time they only started withdrawing toward the end of the evening, so we got a good few words in beforehand. Johann is a wonderful man, and we took some pictures for Beard Challenge before leaving at around midnight.

Interaction

2009-03-10T11:22:00.000-07:00

Humanity truly is amazing. We're all fucked up. And we're all incredible. When I think of my life, and how rich it is, and then begin to try and understand how it could be that every other person I meet has a life that is just as rich; well I struggle to understand it.

Each person has a unique set of ideals and principles, a unique past and as a result a unique perception of the reality they are being faced with. Within this reality there are so many outside influences that we just don't have the capacity to control, even if we could control them.

Based on the above it doesn't surprise me that people are murdered, raped, abused or stolen from every day. At the same time it doesn't surprise me that people are also respected, loved, honoured and appreciated every day.

I believe that we all need each other far more than we care to admit, not only to support and love each other, but to give a different perspective on problems, to push each other, to bring us down to earth when we need it and sometimes to create an escape from the reality that's abusing our minds.

Our lives don't fit in with each other, we don't have a perfect balance where you have an experience to a specific degree and I have the exact opposite. But we have all got something in common, irrespective of what level it may be on. For some it's at the core of what we are, a primitive requirement. For others it's on a spiritual level, where we yearn for something more, and for others it's on a much more advanced level, possibly a taste in music, a sense of humor or even the same political outlook.

Irrespective of what level it may be on, we need each other. And it's not because of who you are, it's because of what you are.

Your life is more interesting than you think, I'm fairly sure of it.

Sodium Pentathol

2009-03-09T08:20:00.000-07:00

I listen to Eminem. I don't really like a lot of his music, but I love his lyrics. His commentary on society is wonderful. One of my favorite songs by Eminem is "The Real Slim Shadey", and there's a section of the song that goes like this:

"I'm like a head trip to listen to, cause I'm only givin you
things you joke about with your friends inside your living room
The only difference is I got the balls to say it
in front of y'all and I don't gotta be false or sugarcoated at all
I just get on the mic and spit it
and whether you like to admit it I just shit it
better than ninety percent of you rappers out can
Then you wonder how can kids eat up these albums like Valiums"

It's so fantastic, and for the most part it's true, particularly that last line.

You see, I believe people appreciate honesty. The world is filled with people who will lie to you for all kinds of reasons, some people want to win your affection, others your trust and some people just don't want to get into trouble. But for the most part, people have an agenda and in pursuit of their goal they are prepared to lie.

But people don't want to be lied to, even when they have something they want to hear. And that's often fairly difficult to get around, because it's easier to tell someone what they want to hear than it is to go on an often uncomfortable emotional journey.

Now, I hope that those of you who know me would say that I'm an honest person. It's something I value highly, and I strive to be honest in all situations irrespective of how difficult it may be.

Granted, just saying things isn't always the wisest decision, but I suppose that's where integrity and trust come in. Trusting yourself to know when to say things, and how to say things is fairly important. But I suppose that trust needs to come from the person holding the information as well as the person receiving the information.

At the same time, not being arrogant or crushing with honesty is equally important, and this is something that I struggle with. I tend to be very firm and often extremely harsh when being honest. By doing that you can end up doing more harm than good, and that's not what I want.

Sometimes I wish I could emit a sodium pentathol aura. Truth serum, just so people would have to be honest all the time, but I guess that would make things too easy...

Future Growth

2009-03-08T03:00:00.000-07:00

I don't want to grow up. I like being the way I am. My life is great just the way it is, and not only do I not want my life to change, I want everyone around me to stay the same too. But it doesn't work like that because people grow up and their goals in life change and then the world we know becomes a memory.

It's quite a daunting thought, but the truth is that of my current circle of friends most of us aren't going to live in the same city in 5 to 10 years time. Now, at the moment these people are my support group, they are like family to me, and to think that they are going to fade from my life doesn't exactly encourage me.

Sure I'll see them and speak to the regularly but I won't be seeing them every two or three days like I do at the moment.

Let's be honest, Matt is studying Game Design and won't get a job working in that field in Cape Town, Pierre may be going to Berlin as soon as the beginning of next year to work as a programmer, Justin is unlikely to get a job lecturing at any university in Cape Town, and possibly not even in South Africa, Gareth will end up spending at least 10 months a year on tour and Donovan will end up shooting all over the world. By staying in Cape Town I'm not winning anything...

So is my life destined to be relegated to aimlessly wandering the world or am I actually going to have people I'm willing to sacrifice for like I do now?

While the future may look quite bleak at the moment, it is in fact quite bright. You see, I could easily end up working as an Air Traffic Controller in London, and would then be able to travel throughout Europe to visit Pierre or any of my other friends, go to football matches, see my favorite bands play live and meet new people as I go along.

I suppose it is at this stage that the idea of 'sibling love' and a romantic relationship surfaces, simply because these are the people who are most likely to journey through life with me the closest.

I have a lot of research to do before I can address these issues, but I can say that growing up is something that we should expect and take part in, not something we should fear or try to put off. It's part of life, and has been since the beginning of time. Friendships change, they grow closer and further apart as time goes on, the dynamic will change but the influence those people have or have had on our lives is what makes them special.

So I am choosing to enjoy what I have now, and look forward to seeing the people around me succeed in their lives.

Duck and Run

2009-03-06T16:00:00.000-08:00

So, I've had a cool day, with a bit of fail in the middle, but you'll have to wait until New Adventures on Thursday to read about it. For now, I'm going to try and get some sleep because I've got a long and tiring day ahead of me tomorrow.

This is my blog dodge so read tomorrow for something substantial.

New Adventures 19th - 26th

2009-03-05T12:56:00.000-08:00

Friday

Friday evening was a bit of a let down, I went to a concert at my brother's school, and then went to Matt's house. I wrote a post about it on Saturday entitled 'Rickie's Undate' so check it out if you haven't already.

Saturday

Saturday was cool, we all headed out to Gandalf's and just hung out a bit. I got to meet a few dota fiends who I've played against but had never met. Matt and Tessa came along too, which was cool. I know Matt's not into the whole club vibe, so it was lucky that Gandalf's was quite empty that evening.

Sunday

Sunday evening we had a wondeful time going to Johann's church. I think this is going to be my new church, even though the drive through is a bit of a mission. It's in Durbanville, but it's was the first time in a very long time that I've heard a truly Biblical sermon in church and I literally felt better afterward.

Nothing they say or do is because they think it's a good idea, they only do it if it's backed up by something in the Bible, and that makes me glad. And the sermon was more like sitting in a lecture, which I really enjoyed too. It wasn't really a lecture at all, but it had that kind of feel to it. And after all the research and reading I do, I want a church to feel that way, so I was happy.

Anyway, after church we went to Val's house for some coffee and a chat. Good times.

Monday

Monday night we went to Mercury again, but took Pierre along this time. After Pierre cock blocked Donovan, we had a good time dancing and whatever. Pierre met up with one of his old friends, Lauren, and I got to see an old friend of mine, Willie, too.

There were these three random girls who somehow knew Pierre's name who kept on trying to dance with us. I don't know if they were drunk or something but I just wanted them to leave me alone.

Eventually we just went and sat down and they left us alone, which was nice. We also saw this girl who was clearly very high on something dancing against a wall, and men were literally paying her. I don't know why, or how but I just stayed out of it.

We got there at about 22h00 and left around 02h30, so R10 well spent.

Tuesday

Dota. That's all I have to say.

Wednesday

Wednesday evening we went through to the Oxford Arms in Durbanville, and met up with a guy who went to school with Justin and I. We also met up with Johann and his Bible study group, which is always fun because Johann usually sits with us and has a lol while the rest of the group aren't sure what to make of us, and are therefore fairly aprehensive.

Chris, our old friend, bought us all Jager-bombs and I had one for the first time. It's not bad at all, but I think I'll stick to my Jack and lime. The barman tried to do a cool trick with the Jager-bombs but failed quite hard. So we got a free one, which was cool. Bit of a let down though...

After Pierre downed a lot of Donovan's beer, we left and I think they went to dota but I watched some episodes of Heroes season 3. I'm going to finish the season tonight and I'll start of Battlestar tomorrow. Good times...

Football Tactics

2009-03-04T04:43:00.000-08:00

Right, so as you all know I analyse everything around me all the time, and the other day I was listening to some music and got thinking about football tactics.

It seems to me that there are two schools of thought when it comes to football tactics, and then within one of them another two ways of executing the specific style. The two main approaches are Reactive and Proactive.

Reactive

The Reactive style of football is a very 'organic' style of football, where the players go where the ball goes, and rather than having a specific method of attack, the players attack by passing a lot and waiting for openings, and simply defend where ever the opposition take the ball. It's a very Brazilian style of football, and requires the team to work as a single unit, with a lot of flexibility and just pushing forward as much as possible.

It's almost as if there is no structure to this style, and usually the team is set in a standard formation like 4-4-2 or 4-3-3. I suppose it also requires a fairly high work rate because the players end up running around a lot.

Proactive

This seems to be the more favored style of football, with players in specific positions within a formation, and playing with a specific attacking and defensive method. Within this style there are two approaches I have noticed.

Player Influence

This approach is used by Manchester United, and in this style there is a standard formation and a standard attaching method used for pretty much every game, but specific players are chosen to play within the formation because of their style of play.

So in Manchester United's case, they always play 4-4-2. But when they need to defend, they play more defensive players in midfield, and when they need to attack they play more attacking players in midfield. Their formation never changes, and their method of attach never changes. They always attack down the wings, but depending on what is required they will change who plays in central midfield, or on the wings or upfront or whatever the case may be.

Formation

This approach is favored by Chelsea, and requires specific players in every position, but relies on tactical changes for attacking and defending, primarily through formation changes. It is similar to the 'Player Influence' approach because it requires specific players to play differently in specific positions on the field, but is more tactically 'correct' and more structured.

So, in Chelsea's case they play a very direct style of football, which requires the players to be very strong and fast, but also to stay in their specific position. Chelsea have always played different variations of the 4-3-3 formation, but depending on if they need a stronger midfield, a wider style of play, or a more aggressive style of play they will play 4-1-4-1, 4-1-3-2 or 4-1-2-3 respectively.

But irrespective of the formation, each player is required to do a specific job within his position in the formation, rather than just playing his style of football.

None of these approaches are wrong, they just work differently for different clubs. Every club has a different style of play, and they buy players accordingly. Because they players are there, it doesn't matter if the manager changes the style of play won't change [hence Scolari's failure at Chelsea].

Anyway, this is just my own opinion based on my limited observation, I could be wrong. Tell me if you think I am, and tell me why. Otherwise just bugger off...

Slothfulness

2009-03-03T06:01:00.000-08:00

I don't know if it's in my nature, or if I'm just bloody lazy but I really could do nothing all day. Maybe not nothing, but almost nothing. So, pretty much if I could be paid to do what I do at the moment, I would be a happy man.

For those of you who don't know, I have a job as an Air Traffic Controller, but I have to wait until June before my training starts. Now this isn't a big problem but it does make getting a job difficult because people don't want to employ me because I'm only going to work for a few months. And while I don't mind doing nothing, my parents do. Which is a valid objection, but it doesn't change how potential employers feel about me.

Anyway, so at the moment I 'have' a job, but I have nothing to do in the meantime, and I love it. I can wake up at any time in the day, I can go to bed at any time and not worry about having to be up for anything. Pretty much all I do is listen to music, read, dota, go out with my friends and then a little housework. So I water the garden, wash up and clean the bathroom. That kind of thing. And if I had a choice I would live like this for the rest of my life. It is brilliant.

But I meet lots of people who just can't bring themselves to do nothing. They have to do something all the time, even if there is very little to do. I have a friend who is at university, and less than half way through his holidays he was happy to go back. He'd had enough time off and wanted to start working again. That's not me.

When I was at school people used to get bored during holidays and want to go back to school. I never wanted holidays to end. I've just never had that feeling of 'I need to get back to work'. I could just sit around thinking and reading all day, no qualms.

But is it because I'm lazy? Or is it because I'm just wired that way? I don't know, but I suspect it's a bit of both.

The other thing is that unfortunately life doesn't work the way I wish it did, and I will actually have to do some work in order to live, which is a pity. So, I guess I'll have to go to my job in June, and I'll have to just make the best of earning money, even though it's not my goal.

To be fair, earning money isn't difficult to get used to...

Family Dynamics

2009-03-02T05:57:00.001-08:00

I don't believe in family. Or at least the traditional picture of what a family should be.

Actually that's not entirely true. I think a more accurate statement would be that I have never experienced, nor do I desire, the traditional ideal of a family. Because I have never experienced this ideal, not only do I not believe it exists, I don't want to create anything like it in my life.

I was talking to my parents the other day and I said that I don't feel as if I've ever had any specifically 'child-mother' relationship or 'child-father' relationship with either of them, and that I don't see them as my parents.

This probably upset them to a certain extent, but it's the truth. I don't feel any sort of 'unbreakable bond' with anyone in my family, and I have no idea why.

So how do I view the people in my family? Well I view my parents as people who are experienced in life, who love and know me and who want the best for me. But, I treat them the same way I treat most people I meet in life. They don't really stand out in my life as people who are the cornerstone of my beliefs or as people who are involved in every aspect of my life or anything like that.

I wouldn't say that they are 'replaceable' or anything like that, but the way I talk with them, reason with them and relate to them is the same way I relate to my friends and other older people in my life.

They have caused me as much pain in my life as my friends have, they have brought me as much security in my life as my friends have and they have given me as much love as my friends have.

And while this is clearly working because I feel I have a good relationship with my parents, I don't know if it's right.

I look around at my friends, and many other people I encounter, and they have all have a really special relationship with their parents. They have a special way of relating to them, a special level of respect, a special love and the whole idea really is foreign to me.

When I spoke about it to Cate and my mom, Cate said she thought it was probably because we are all introverts [Which we are, to different degrees], and that changes the dynamic because only 25% of people are introverts. Then to have a family of introverts is an even more unique situation, so our relationships with each other are very different.

I don't know if this is the reason, but it sounds feasible.

Perhaps the reason I don't like the idea of a family is because I hate anything that requires blind trust, or blind love. And the family ideal requires people to not only blindly love each other but also to blindly trust each other, and I strongly disagree with both these 'takes' on love and loyalty.

So, I don't believe in family because I don't believe that people should be bound to one another without a choice. Marriage is very different because there is a choice involved at the beginning, but I didn't choose my parents, in the same way I didn't choose where I was born so why should I be required to fulfill any requirement if I haven't made a choice?

But we are born into families, and we are born into a country, so what should the family dynamic be?

Well, I can only speak from my perspective but I would say that family shouldn't require anything from anyone, but should be generous and should love. That's it. Any relationship that grows from that is a bonus. And I believe that's what I have with my family.

I won't lie, it's fucking difficult with Cate at times because I have been hurt badly by the him to her transition, but it is what it is. And I can't really complain about that. And I love my mom, and I love my brother, and they love me so what more can I ask for?

Such is life...

Rickie's Undate

2009-02-28T07:32:00.000-08:00

So, I was chatting to a friend of mine, Rickie, and he's recently moved away from home and started reading my blog. Anyway, he said he missed my blog on Friday [cause I didn't blog on Friday] and wants an update. So here it is...

Friday wasn't the best day I've ever had. It started off quite badly, being woken up far too early for my liking. I had also only gone to bed at about 4am, watching Heroes, so I wasn't feeling very receptive.

Sidebar: Heroes has never been my favorite show. I think the story is cool, but that's it. It's cool. Not great, not awesome just cool. The production is wonderful, and to be honest that's most of the reason I watch the show.

Anyway, Volume 1 was ok, but Volume 2 has not yet impressed. The stories don't interlink strongly enough and everything is extremely predictable. Nothing has come as a surprise yet, including 'Who is Adam Monroe'. Anyway...

So, after not enough sleep, I got up and started reading. Then did nothing for a few hours before starting to try and play a game of dota. We had at least 3 fail games before we got a real one, and then I played like an idiot, which made me extremely angry.

Now, for those of you who don't know what dota is, it's an online strategic role-playing game. Meaning there is an overall strategy as to how to win the game, and then every person plays a character, hence the role-playing aspect. It's quite a lot more complicated than that because every character has to be played differently, and there are 93 characters, you also have to know how to play against characters, or heroes, so you need to know your hero and all the others in the game.

And of course, there are about 70 items to buy, each one having a different impact on each hero, so knowing how the items react with each hero is equally important, then combining that with the strategic element of the game, it's quite complicated.

Well, that's not entirely true. You have to think a lot throughout the game, but it's not difficult. It also requires you to remember a lot, but that's fairly easy too, just takes practice.

Now, I take my dota seriously because I think about it, work on it and do my best in every game, and when I play badly I get fucking pissed off with myself. There's no excuse for playing badly, so it usually puts me in an aggressive mood quite quickly.

So, after a few failed dota games [meaning other people ruined the game for me] we got a good game which I failed in. Not good.

After the failed game I had to get ready to go through to my brother's school where their big band and jazz bands were playing. Now I wasn't really looking forward to it but I wanted to go because my brother was doing sound, so I figured I'd show some support.

But before I left I got some horrible news which didn't brighten my mood, but it's part of life. I went to the concert which lasted about an hour longer than I though it was going to, and while some of it was good, a lot of it wasn't.

After the concert I was hungry but had calmed down and decided to just hang out so I went through to Matt's house, where I stayed until about midnight before coming home for another lame dota. Then I watched more episodes of Heroes which failed to impress, and never blogged.

So, there's your update, I'll post something more meaningful later...

New Adventures 19th - 26th

2009-02-25T14:52:00.001-08:00

Friday

I don't actually remember what happened during the day, but on Friday evening one of Alex's friends was going home after holiday so we went to Gandalf's to say goodbye, and it was bloody full. I honestly don't remember it being that full before. Like, it is always full on a Friday but it was extremely full this week.

I don't mind it being full, but I do mind when they play crap music, and they played rubbish music all night which wasn't fun. Having said that it was good fun to see some old friends, including one of the greatest men I know, Wayne.

While it was unpleasantly full and the music was rubbish, the evening wasn't a complete loss on account of the fact that I met a whole host of new people. I met two new guys, Andrew and Jason. Andrew is a baker and invited me to go with him to a strip club. I declined and told him to enjoy himself, which I sure he did. Nice guy though. Jason seemed like a really cool guy with a good sense of humor, but I didn't get to talk to him a lot.

The two girls I met were friends of another girl I already know, Tracey. They were Bronwyn and Nicky. Bronwyn had some pretty cool tattoos, and Nicky hooked up with one of my friends which was nice for him until he was cock blocked by a great man who was drunk and therefore a terrible wingman.

Friday was actually hook up night, with another of my friends hooking up with another old friend of mine, and I'm not sure that's going to turn out all that well, but it was probably fun at the time.

I am not really into the whole 'hook up with a random' thing, but I suppose if both parties are on the same page then it could be fun. I just wouldn't choose to do it. Not saying it's wrong or anything like that, just saying I wouldn't do it. Partially because I've never had a significant other and partially because I don't know if I would be able to separate the physical and the emotional.

Either way, we left at about 1 or so, and it was a mostly cool evening.

Saturday

Saturday was a pretty cool day, which started out fairly slowly. At about lunch time I went to watch Donovan, Alex and Charlie play cricket. We got there and they weren't doing well. Charlie went in and did a really good job at batting, making an impressive total while the rest of the team sort of tried but didn't do all that well.

Donovan was batting well until he made a mistake and then it was over. He did however keep wicket really well, and Charlie continued his streak of being a winner in life by bowling really well and taking a few wickets. The team lost though, so that's a pity.

We left before the game ended so we could get ready to go through to Matt's house where we were going to watch the Pro 20 cricket final. To be honest I was enjoying chatting to Pierre and Gareth more than I watching the cricket so I ended up not really watching the cricket but fun was had in the end so no qualms.

After a really awful display of fire making, we successfully cooked most of the meat. The chicken was still a dodge, but it worked out in the end, I think. The Cobras [our team] won the final in the end which was rather entertaining, and put a smile on pretty much everyone's face.

I did get some news that truly upset me, but in this case there is very little I can do other than be a good friend, so that's what I am going to do.

After the Jizzer arrived at Matt's house we all left and Donovan, Alex, Charlie, Justin, Gareth and I went through to Mercury to see New Altum's new music video launch. The gig was good, with two other bands playing. The first band was pretty good, New Altum were decent and the sound was really good, and the final band, Yes Sir! Mister Machine, were really good too. They were much heavier which I liked, but they had that whole prog vibe going too. The sound was awful though, and as a result I couldn't hear the kick drum, so that was a fail.

After the gig, I hung out a bit upstairs, before Donovan gave me my second double cripple nipple of the night, which resulted in me kicking him very hard in the leg and accidently hitting his nuts too. I felt bad for hitting his balls, but not for kicking him. Then we went downstairs before Gareth and I left.

Charlie was feeling pretty down and so the guys decided to leave, but his night didn't get better after that. I'm not sure exactly how things happened, but basically Charlie really needed to piss so he walked into the corner of the alley and when he came back he had stood in human shit. He tried to clean it off, with very little success.

On the way home, everyone was feeling very sorry for him but they were all super cold because they had the windows open to try and get rid of the smell. It didn't work.

Sunday

Sunday was a quiet day, and all we did was dota and go to church. Church was a bit of a fail though. The music was good, with one of the better mixes I've ever heard there but the sermon was balls. The preacher missed some fairly big points, and then didn't really actually follow the text at all. It was quite a disappointment because it's the second crap sermon in two weeks, so not much fun.

That evening we just went home and played more dota. I can't remember how the game went, but I suspect I did well because over the last 3 weeks or so I've been doing consistently well, so getting much better.

Monday

Monday was a lazy day, and all I did was listen to the new Lamb of God and read a bit. I didn't even write much, which was lame.

In the evening we had a great time though. The Jizzer wanted to meet up with some friends, so we all went through to Mercury for student night and we just went mental. To be fair we usually do go mental, but for some reason Mercury on a Monday night always turns out well. They play mostly good music and we all just dance for 3 - 4 hours solid.

Donovan managed to clear a space on the dance floor before going mental, and at least 30 people stopped dancing and just watched him and Justin dance away in a rather provocative manner, which is always fun. Then a little later they played some rock and the Jizzer and I wanted to headbang but it wasn't quite heavy enough so we let it go. Then a little after that, success. They played some Rage Against The Machine and some Blur and we went mental. Some guys started joining in, headbanging with us and as more space was cleared we went more mental. Eventually about 40% of the people were just watching us and cheering us along, good times.

Later on Donovan managed to create a dancing circle where people were cheering each other along and taking turns in dancing and whatever.

We got there at about 22h00 and left at about 01h00, and it was great.

Tuesday

After Monday night I was keen to just watch some football, so that's what I did. I was a bit surprised by the result between Lyon and Barca, as well as the result between United and Inter. I expected Barcelona to rip Lyon a new one, and Inter to beat United 1-0, but both ended in ties.

Wednesday

After Tuesday's results I felt sure that Chelsea could beat Juventus, and thought Real Madrid would beat Liverpool. Chelsea didn't disappoint, dominating the game and beating Juventus 1-0. It could have been 2-0 but that's how it goes, and I am sure they will beat Juventus in the second leg, but Real surprised me. They lost to Liverpool, simply because they didn't play well. They were just so slow on the ball, I didn't expect that.

Oh well, I guess that's how it goes sometimes.

Swings

2009-02-25T13:08:00.000-08:00

I don't know if I'm analysing the situation too much or if it really exists but I have noticed that things in life go through phases. In this case I am referring primarily to romantic relationships and the idea that 'love is in the air'. It seems to me that at times, lots of people are breaking up and at other times lots of people are getting together.

In my view it's very similar to the economy. There are upswings, and downswings, times of prosperity and times of recession. And it seems to apply to most areas of life, which is why I believe it is imperative that we are constantly assessing our lives to find out where we are in the cycle so we can respond appropriately.

The reason I raise this is recently quite a few of my friends have entered romantic relationships, and while in most cases these friends know each other, there are cases where these friends don't know each other at all.

Which begs the question: is it a coincidence or is there a group mentality that pushes people toward a specific thought pattern? And how much of this is related to the resolve that one person has to pursue a relationship with a specific person? And why don't I 'suffer' from this group mentality?

I have seen this cycle run its full course at least three times now, on each occasion studying it trying to find some answers and yet not many seem to be coming my way. On each occasion I notice some sort of spark within one person's approach toward another person, and it seems to be contagious because usually this spark spreads until quite a few people have a changed mindset and are all doing things differently. Every time this happens I just don't seem to catch the spark though, and I'm not sure if it's a good thing or a bad thing, but more on that later.

It is at this stage that the person with the 'spark' changes their attitude and how the react to either a group of people or a specific person and after a few days to weeks a target is aquired. Shortly thereafter the target makes his or her first move. Either they walk away or they engage on some or other level with the original person, and thus begins the flirting etc.

I have noticed that at this stage there are usually a minimum of 5 people engaging differently and at the end of the process at least 50% of them have engaged in a romantic relationship, with the other 50% having been turned down by their target.

Of course the actual pursuit and entering into a relationship is never the same, and can take anywhere from a few hours to a few weeks to complete but it really interests me that it happens to different people in the same way.

I don't understand it, and I also don't understand why I have never felt this 'spark' but it makes for interesting analysis. So, give it some thought and if you have some answers comment and let me know.

I haven't done any research into this but I have given it some thought and it is quite strange on one level and yet totally understandable on another. Perhaps I'm just a weirdo and that's why I don't catch this spark. Either way it scares me a little...

Social Science

2009-02-24T13:57:00.000-08:00

Don't you think it's weird how people interact? There are these arbitrary rules that various societies put in place which dictate how people should approach one another, how we should make small talk, what we may or may not share and while these rules keep us within our comfort zone it amazes me at how different the social outlines are from one community to another.

I have a friend who is an amazing guy, but he's seen by many as being somewhat socially retarded, even though he isn't really. But why is he seen that way? It's not because he's that different from any of us, it's because he will, on occasion, break the social norms in some rather surprising manner that makes everyone somewhat weary of him.

And yet I don't think he sees himself as breaking the norm. He comes from a different community and nothing he is doing is blatantly weird, it's just the small things that are not what we'd expect. The way he carries himself makes all the difference...

You see, when people are pushed from their comfort zones they either sink or swim, and most people would rather paddle back to shore than go diving. Ok, that's a crap way of saying it but you know what I mean.

I love hanging out with this friend of mine simply because he makes other people uncomfortable. I find it so amusing to see how people try and interact with this person who isn't doing anything wrong and yet they are on edge. Also, he's a really great guy.

I for one, absolutely love adhering to social norms in some ways so that I can break them in other ways, thereby getting a far more violent reaction from people. I'll wear a collared shirt and then headbang to Lamb of God, or speak about a passage of scripture and then call someone a cunt. It's wonderful. That look on their face, the expression in their eyes; priceless.

But who decided that these are the rules we should follow? Who decided that this is how we should interact? I don't know how these norms were formed, although I'm sure the debate would be extremely interesting and would require a massive amount of research, but I am glad that they exist. Without them people would be on edge even more than they already are, and I would have been cheated of some of the most entertaining moments in my life.

Another Chelsea Post

2009-02-23T16:15:00.000-08:00

So, I've got about 30 daily readers now, so hello all. I also know a few of you hate it when I talk about Chelsea, but I don't care so here we go.

The team have had rather a busy time of late, having lost a manager and gained a new one. I had my doubts about Scolari, and specifically his tactical abilities. He just seemed to run out of ideas far too often and the team never seemed as if they were on top of things after the opposition neutralised their biggest play, which was their full backs.

But since he's left the team look like they have more ideas, they look sharper and have more width and pace in their game, and they've only played twice since Scolari was sacked.

I do however think that Chelsea need at least 5 new players, especially since Scolari sold 6 players and only replaced one of them. I also think that some of the players that are currently in the squad should be worried, because they aren't playing at the level they should.

So, here's what I think Chelsea need:
A new left back [Wayne Bridge was sold]
A new goalkeeper [Carlos Cudicinni was sold]
A new central midfielder [Claude Makelele was sold]
A new winger [Shaun Wright-Phillips was sold]
A new striker [Andriy Shevchenko was sold]

And here are the players that I think may find themselves in hot water:
Deco [hasn't really done what you'd hope since he arrived]
Richardo Quaresma [Only on loan, so he might not be bought]
Brainslav Ivanovic [Always looks a bit shakey at the back]
Flourent Malouda [I haven't seen him perform well in a long time]

I think that Guus Hiddink will stay on after the end of this season, and I think that he'll probably be a long term fixture, simply because he is working well with the team, he and Roman Abramovich seem to be close and the RFU have hinted that they don't foresee any problems with him combining two jobs.

I think he'll work well with the team because he's known for his technically correct style of football, as well as his tactical abilities, which is what Chelsea are in need of.

He also seems to favor the diamond formation, which is the same formation that Jose Mourinho founded the team on, and as a result the core of the team are built around. Why fix something which isn't broken? Sure they have lost a few players, but only one of them was a central player, Makelele, but the rest of the team are still there, and they can either replace Makelele or train someone to do a similar job.

Now that I've had my say, I wont' talk about football for a while, so you can relax...

What Are You Doing At The Moment?

2009-02-22T14:12:00.000-08:00

So I didn't know what to blog about, so I figured I'd just blog about how I feel right now. To sum it up in one word, disappointed. I'm not sure what exactly is causing me to feel disappointed, but it's how I feel.

Disappointment should theoretically only be brought about when someone's expectations haven't been met, irrespective of how irrational those expectations may be. Now, because I don't know what's caused me to feel disappointed, I need to look at everything that's happened of late, and then asses how they turned out and if I had any expectation as to how I wanted them to turn out. If the two don't match up, that's where the problem probably lies.

The first thing that springs to mind is church. I went to church tonight, and it was a let down of note. You see I've been looking around for a church for a while now, and my top priority is finding a church that actually preaches from the Bible every week. This is proving to be far more difficult that I'd hoped, but I suspect it'll be worth the wait. Anyway, tonight I went to a church that usually does preach from the Bible, but this week [and last week] they didn't really follow the text on any level which made me sad. In fact, not only did the preacher not follow the text, but he spoke a fair amount of shit too. Not great, but not the source of my disappointment, because I don't care enough to make me this disappointed.

I played a few games of dota today, and did fairly well in most of them so I don't think that's the source of my disappointment either.

The other things that have happened were all involving relationships I have, and surprisingly all involve women.

The first is more of a family vibe. My mom and I had a massive debate this afternoon about National Service, which I think is dumb and wrong. She clearly doesn't see it that way. Now, I love a good debate, and will often get fairly worked up, and end up crushing a person because of their views on some or other topic. I don't see it as a personal attack, but rather part of the debate, and this afternoon I crushed my mom pretty badly, and she took offence. I apologised, but I felt a bit bad about it. Possibly a contributing factor, but the reason.

I also had a heavy discussion with Cate [who used to be my father] about our relationship yesterday, and I was very honest about how I saw our relationship before the sex change, and since, and I think that went well. So, probably not the source of the problem either.

The final one has to do with a friendship where I feel as if I have given to this particular person, and while I don't know what I should be expecting in return, I also do expect something, and nothing is forthcoming. It's a strange situation, and I suspect that this is where most of the problem is coming in. I think that my expectations could be a bit high, but possible not unreasonable. At the same time, even if I lowered my expectations they still wouldn't be met at this moment in time.

But because of how the relationship has worked out in the past I don't feel as if I should say anything at all, so I am just going to leave it for now.

I'm still disappointed though, partially in other people's reactions to what I have done and partially in my reaction to what other people have done. And I'm not sure what to do, but I guess it's all part of the journey...

Middle Ground

2009-02-21T15:42:00.000-08:00

I make sexually inappropriate jokes. I make them often and I'm unlikely to stop any time soon simply because I find them very funny. I crack "that's what she said" jokes the most, and they always put a smile on my face.

Now, these jokes provoke two different reactions. First is laughter. Someone hear's the joke and has a lol because they also find it funny. I suppose that's the reaction I'm going for, and it's the reaction I usually have to these jokes.

The second reaction is that of disgust. People here these jokes and are immediately offended. This is not the desired reaction, but it is one that I encounter from time to time. Now, clearly these people are offended in some way or another, but why?

One is only offended when his or her values are violated in some way, and while this is never my objection it is unlikely to stop me from doing what I was doing because I don't know if your values are relevant or founded on what I believe to be truth.

I don't want to go into the debate as to how we define truth, or how we create values and principles [even though those are wonderful debates] because in this case I am more interested in the reaction people have to sexual jokes.

There are two extremes when it comes to people's perception of sex. On the one side we have people who don't value sex at all, and will have it at any time with anyone for any reason. On the other side we have people who believe that sex is a sacred act that may only be performed with a single, specific person in their lives and should never be spoken about ever.

Now, having a lot of sex all the time is appealing, but doesn't fit into my idea of how things should be done, but at the same time the idea of never speaking about sex doesn't seem right either. So where is the middle ground? Should there even be a middle ground?

I think that I fall somewhere in the middle, leaning more toward the 'sex with one person' ideal, but I am [as I'm sure you've picked up] open to talking about anything, including sex, and as a result I don't respond to sex in a very violent way. I don't feel offended when people talk about sex, and I don't feel offended when people make sexual jokes. I won't have sex until I get married though.

I don't know if my ideal is too liberal, or not conservative enough, but it's honest and that's what makes the difference for me.

Take the Good with the Bad

2009-02-20T03:29:00.000-08:00

I have an idea, and there are a few people who share this idea, that the true meaning of anything can only be determined when there is a relevant reference point with which to contrast the truth which is being portrayed. The darkness is only as dark as the light which has been revealed.

If a man has lived in a 'bubble' his whole life, with all of his needs and wants fully met, even the smallest event, perhaps his favorite plant dying, would be a life changing event. In the same way, a child who has grown up in abject poverty, without parents or siblings may appreciate a smile more than many would ever imagine.

Of course there are external factors that come into play, such as the man seeing photos of people suffering from famine, or the child meeting a wealthy family in his area, but these experiences are only as effective as his understanding of what he is seeing.

So, as a person who is trying to convey a truth, it is imperative that not only the truth be portrayed accurately, but the context in which the truth resides must be subject to the same scrutiny.

Now, the big problem comes in when we are trying to understand people rather than truths about life, the universe and everything; simply because we can't understand the context of a person's perception without knowing their history, which is also subject to their interpretation.

Their interpretation of their history does however give us a glimpse into a person's reasoning behind decision making. This indicates their state of mind as well as the principles by which they are likely to govern their lives.

So, does one ever know a person? If the facts about their lives are tainted by not only their perception but our perception too, do we ever have clear, unmanipulated facts? Well, many would argue that we don't. I would argue that it doesn't matter.

I believe that principles are what make a person who they are, not their experiences. The defining point in any one's life is how they react to the difficult situations they find themselves in rather than the situation itself.

The way you control what you can is what makes you who you are. Integrity.

New Adventures 12th - 19th.

2009-02-19T04:55:00.000-08:00

Friday

Friday morning Justin, Gareth, Stacey and I went through to UCT to hang out and watch aKing play. The day didn't get off to a good start. After sitting in traffic for quite a while, we got to UCT only to find out that Gareth had missed two of his first classes, thinking they only started on Monday. We met up with one of our friends, Lauren, and walked around getting the times of all of Gareth's classes for the coming week, still hoping to see a good band and meet up with some other friends.

I called my good friend Matt, only to find that he hadn't gone in that day, so we decided to head through to find out when the band was playing. To our surprise nothing was set up and it wasn't looking as if a band was arriving at all. We asked around before deducing that the band was playing at an event in the evening, and we wouldn't see them at all.

Justin then called one of our other friends, Melissa and we decided to wait for her before we could have a chat. We hung out for about an hour having a good chat and meeting some cool new people.

After a disappointing adventure we went home and got ready to go to the cricket, which was also a bit of a fail. The Dolphins batted really well, but the Cobras failed to impress, resulting in an unsurprising defeat which put a bit of a dampener on an already below average day. The evening wasn't a complete failure though, as Justin and I got to meet up with an old friend from school, Cassandra.

After cricket we all headed home and had a two games of dota, both failures because while Matt, Justin, Donovan and I did well the fifth member in our team lost the game for us twice. All in all, a bad day redeemed by meeting new people and old friends.

Saturday

Saturday was a mellow day for me. I had a good discussion and then went with the Jizzer and Gareth to Canal Walk where we sort of hung out and walked around doing things all guys do. Shop. Ok, that's a joke but we did go shopping. Good times.

After that we organised lifts and then went through to a friend's valentine's party, which was fun. Callie is a great girl, and we all went through to hang out and have a braai with a bunch of mostly single people. There were a few couples, but no one was hanging on anyone else, looking as if the world were about to end and they needed to make the most of their time now, which I appreciated.

It was there that I had my wonderful chat with the guy, Scott, from New York. He's a really great guy who has very similar interests. He's a thinking kind of person which I really enjoyed. But he's also very practical, giving Matthew (and everyone else) a lesson in 'manscaping'. He and Lee (his boyfriend, also one of the greatest people I've ever met) really knew what they were talking about, and it was a lot of fun.

Feeling the need to prove his manhood, Donovan taught Janice and I how to play 'Death Rock-Paper-Scissors' before proceeding to play and thereby inflict extreme amounts of pain upon one another. I don't think we can hold Janice full responsible for his actions, because he was poisoned at the time. You see, Janice took a Styrofoam cup filled with some sort of vodka mixture and put it on the braai. The cup proceeded to melt, releasing 'poisonous fumes' into the liquid. Seeing the melting Jan decided that he should immediately down the rest of his drink. I don't know why but he did. Hence his poisoning.

At about 01h30 we all piled into my car and headed home after having a great time.

I would like to thank Callie for a great party, even though I know she hates my blog and won't read this.

Sunday

Sunday was a fairly good day. We played dota all afternoon, then went to Common Ground where we heard a less than impressive sermon, and then went home and played another two games of dota. The first one was a fail because I had a fool in my lane who fed a Tidehunter who then proceeded to kill me while I tried to save the fool. Donovan and Justin also fed a bit, but to be fair it was a very difficult lane. After that it was gg, with the entire team fed there was nothing we could do.

The second game was far more successful, all of us choosing appropriate heroes and then working well together, we pretty much raped the opposition team, ripping them a new one, no qualms.

Monday

Monday was a fail day. I drove around all day getting stuff together for my job application, then later finding out that I can only go on training in June. Not great. After that I got a new cellphone, which was already broken. Damn thing won't charge. Then my mom asked me not to go out, for no apparent reason. Good times...

Tuesday

Early start to the day, which I didn't enjoy, and a lot of driving made Tuesday a rather long and tiring day. In the end I drove about 150km, a lot of it during peak traffic, which really wasn't fun.

At the end of the day my car started smoking and there was a burning smell. I took it to the service place only to find that the car was simply missing its oil cap. I don't know why or how, but it was gone and I had to get another one.

Then we had an average game of dota, and I played Lion for the first time and didn't fair well, but I reckon I can learn him eventually.

After dota I had an interesting conversation with a rather funny girl named Brianna. Funny 'haha' not funny weird, although she could turn out to be weird in the end. I don't know.

Wednesday

For some reason my mother invited about 15 people to my house on Wednesday, without thinking about what they were going to have for dinner, when she was going to get of work to prepare the said dinner, or who was going to clean the house. I don't know how or why, but I ended up spending a lot of the day cleaning, driving around fetching things and generally helping.

When the guests arrived I ducked out, and went to see a film that I regret paying for: Seven Pounds. It was shit. Don't see it, ever. The first hour of the film, the characters don't develop in any way and there's just a lot of crying. Then there's more crying with an emotional connection between two of the characters, and then the entire story is told in 10 minutes at the end. I was sad I'd seen that film, really I was.

After the film we, being Donovan, Justin, Matt and I, went to have a drink with Johann. We ended up talking about tv shows, dota and relationships. Anyone can guess which one the Jizzer is winning at, as well as which one Matt is winning at...

After a good chat Johann told us that he's an avid D&D fan, and that we should have a game. I've never played, but have wanted to for a long time, so I'm really keen. Pierre also plays so it'll be good fun.

After hanging out for a while, I went home and watched a film named 'Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang' which was really good, and in comparison to 'Seven Pounds' it looked even better. So if you have a choice, watch 'Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang'.

Blocks

2009-02-18T16:00:00.000-08:00

So, today I had a fairly busy day, and when I sat down to blog I had very little energy and not much motivation. I watched a bit of a dvd and listened to some music trying to find inspiration, but didn't really feel like writing about anything.

Well, that's not true, I did feel like writing about a few things, but they would have taken far too long to write, so I decided to put it off for now.

Tomorrow will be New Adventures, so I'm sure you'll all have a lol, and on Friday I'll have something better for you to read.

25 Random Facts

2009-02-17T02:25:00.000-08:00

So I was tagged in this thing where someone gives 25 facts about themselves, and then you have to do the same or something, so instead of doing in on fb I did it on my blog. Enjoy.

1) I believe I'm one of the smartest people I know because I did an IQ test and the psychologist told me my result was too high to be accurately measured by any testing. As a result I believe I can do anything I want in life.

2) My biggest fear in life is success. I don't know how to deal with it. It feels wrong.

3) My deepest desire is that I'll die. I can't imagine any greater relief than to not have to do anything ever again. Unfortunately I don't believe it works that way.

4) I hate computers and technology because none of it ever works the way it should. That's why I dropped out of IS Engineering.

5) I truly hate children, but I love my cats. I call then 'my boy' and other things parents call their children because I feel like their father or something. Sometimes I walk around at night calling their names because I want to know where they are. I don't want any of them to get hurt.

6) I don't read as much as I wish I did.

7) I've never gotten on with my father. Its not that we fought or anything, there just wasn't ever any connection. In an attempt to get my dad to live up to what my mom thought were his obligations, she used to make us go on monthly 'outings' when I was 10 or so. I hated them because we would do something stupid like go to Kirstenbosch Gardens and walk around for a few hours, not saying a single word to each other.

8) I love my friends more than anything else in the world. Up until the age of 20 I felt alone in the world, but now I feel as if there are people around me who not only have a similar outlook on life, but actually understand me.

9) Romance scares me. I've never known how to deal with it so I run from it. I don't know if I'll ever have a girlfriend because of it.

10) I watch football, trawl the internet and play dota as an escape from my mind.

11) I worry about other people's happiness too much. If any of my friends are sad I literally feel pain in my body, especially if I can't help their situation.

12) I believe in total honesty and don't mind telling anyone anything about my life as long as they are open to not only hearing it but also engaging in conversation.

13) There are three things I believe in when it comes to life: God / YHVH, people and knowledge / philosophy. Everything else is meaningless.

14) I don't believe people ever change; you just see a different side of them.

15) Of the things in life I love, music is the thing I love the most. Music has quite literally kept me alive and I listen to it for about 16 hours a day.

16) Some people have told me that my life is sad, but I don't think it is. Everyone's life is equally sad because it's all relative to your experience of life. I do however feel that I embrace my emotions more than most people do.

17) Other than music, I absolutely love films, theater, philosophy, theology and science. Pretty much anything I can analyise and obsess about.

18) I hate working with my hands. I can't build things, paint things or get my hands dirty in any way.

19) I can't take it when things are disorganised, cluttered or just not neat. It literally gives me anxiety.

20) When I become interested in a topic I pursue it relentlessly until I understand it fully. Once I know what's going on, and usually know most of what there is to know, I discard it and usually never look at it again because I find it boring.

21) The last time I cried was in 2003, because I was tired and couldn't figure out how to remember some elements on the periodic table. While crying I realised that I will survive almost everything I encounter in life, so instead of getting emotional I should just do things. I do often feel pain inside my body though, whether it be because of heartache, nerves or disappointment. I don't think it's healthy but I don't know how to cry.

22) I have a very dry sense of humor, and most people don't understand why I find some things funny. Often people will make a sarcastic remark and I will almost fall over laughing but no one else thinks it's even slightly amusing. I think that's why I find it funny actually...

23) If someone dares me to, or askes me to do something they don't think I will I almost always do it immediately.

24) 'Female' biology makes me feel lightheaded. And I have a mild phobia of vaginas because of it. I think its because I did fairly extensive research into the female repoductive organs and the pictures on Wikipedia didn't help. I do however really want to have sex. That's for sure.

25) I really feel uncomfortable wearing bright or light colours. I can't bring myself to wear white, and I even feel uncomfortable wearing a pale blue shirt I own. I wear mostly black because I feel comfortable in it.

The Saga Continues

2009-02-16T03:11:00.000-08:00

Ok, so today I imported my blog into Facebook, so if you're my friend on FB you can read there but you can also continue to visit the blog or receive an RSS feed if that's what you're more comfortable with. No qualms.

Anyway, for those of you who have been reading oveer the last few weeks you'll know that I applied for a job as an Air Traffic Controller and after some psychometric testing and a follow up interview I was accepted. After that things started going pear shaped though...

I went to see the doctor for a medical exam and I told him that I'd been on anti depressants in the last 2 months. I had a feeling that it would be a problem but decided to tell the truth, and it turns out it was a problem. I had to go to my psychiatrist, Eugene, and he gave me a report which I could only give to the doctor on Monday (today).

This, however, was a problem because the documentation needed to be in Joburg by Friday. Not great.

After getting the report to the doctor this morning I took the relevant information to the airport, only to find that the lady I had been dealing with is currently on leave for two weeks. And the new lady wasn't sure what to say to me, but I suspected she knew something I didn't.

Later that day I contacted the office again and it turns out that the doctor had spoken to the recruitment office in Joburg and they had decided that they want to employ me but because of the medication it can only be in June.

So I will be working as an Air Traffic Controller, but will only start training in June.

At the moment I am sad because I wanted to start working soon, but also relieved because I finally have an answer. The truth is that ever since I started the application process things have felt very disorganised, and as a result I have been very reserved and have felt uneasy about the process. When the doctor told me that the medication was going to be a problem I sort of knew that I would only be going in June, but decided to do my best and see what happened.

I'm happy to be able to say that I've done my best and things may not have worked out the way I was hoping they would, but such is life.

I believe that very few people are called to some massive task, and in most cases we should just shut up and get on with out lives living the best way we can. So that's what I'm going to do.

NT's Wright

2009-02-15T05:57:00.000-08:00

I read this in NT Wright's book "The New Testament and the People of God", and can be found on page 10. This is exactly what I have been thinking for about 3 or 4 years now but haven't been able to put across anywhere near as eloquently as this brilliant man has. Have a read, it's very interesting...

"Here is the paradox that lies at the heart of this whole project. Although the Enlightenment began as, among other things, a critique of orthodox Christianity, it can function, and in many ways has functioned, as a means of recalling Christianity to a genuine history, to its necessary roots. Much Christianity is afraid of history, frightened that if we really find out what happened in the first century our faith will collapse. But without historical enquiry there is no check on Christianity's propensity to remake Jesus, never mind the Christian god, in its own image. Equally, much Christianity is afraid of scholarly learning, and in so far as the Enlightenment programme was an intellectual venture, Christianity has responded with the simplicities of faith. But, granted that learning without love is sterile and dry, enthusiasm without learning can easily become blind arrogance. Again, much Christianity has been afraid of reducing a supernatural faith to a rationalist categories. But the sharp distinction between the 'supernatural' and the 'rational' is itself a product of Enlightenment thinking, and to emphasize the 'supernatural' at the expense of the 'rational' or 'natural' is itself to capitulate to the Enlightenment worldview at a deeper level than if we were merely to endorse, rather than marginalize, a post-Enlightenment rationalist programme.

"It is, therefore, impossible of Christianity to ignore or relativize the 'modernist' challenge of the eighteenth and subsequent centuries. This does not mean, of course, that we must simply endorse the Enlightenment critique; merely that its questions must remain on the table. And, as I shall argue later, the postmodern critique of the Enlightenment itself, while placing very necessary restraints on Enlightenment ambitions, does not (as some would like to think) invalidate the 'modern' project lock, stock and barrel. While the dispute between the tenants continues, it would be a bold person who presumes to speak for the Owner.

"All this may sound very negative. Reading the New Testament seriously, at the present moment in Western culture, sounds so problematic that some may feel like giving it up. The vineyard is overcrowded and apparently unfruitful. But this response, too, would be inappropriate. Whatever one's viewpoint, this text matters. If the Christian clams for the New Testament are anywhere near the truth, we cannot see it as a safe garden into which Christians can retreat from their contemporary world. It must function as part of the challenge and address of the creator god to the contemporary world. If, however, the Christian claims about the New Testament are false, then (as critics since the eighteenth century have been saying) the sooner its deficiencies are pointed out, the better. Whether, therefore, one has a Christian or non-Christian point of view, a thorough examination of this text is a necessary responsibility."

Emotions Running Deep

2009-02-15T01:23:00.000-08:00

So for those of you who don't know me personally I will discuss anything. Literally anything. It's actually part of the reason I don't enjoy hanging out with Christian people, because there are so many taboo topics. And even when I did hang out with a lot of Christian people, I was often trying to discuss things people don't like to talk about because they are either 'worldly' or 'impolite conversation' or whatever.

But with non-Christians you can talk about anything. No only that, but in my experience they are far more open and honest than Christians usually are. I've had the most wonderful chats with men and women, gay and straight, about the strangest things, and people are totally honest about their thoughts and feelings, it's wonderful.

In the last week I have spoken about the menstrual cycle, personal hygiene, stages within a relationship, financial management, what Ephesians 4 and 5 really means, what the book of John is all about and what it is like to live in New York City.

Now, I'm not having a go at Christians or Christianity, it's just that I would prefer that people were honest about their feelings, emotions and physical urges rather than just not talking about them, or even worse denying them all together.

But that's not the point of today's blog at all, I'm actually just saying that I will talk about anything. Last night, however, I spoke about a sensitive topic and learned more than I thought I would.

I was chatting to a wonderful gentleman named Scott, who lives in New York City, and he was telling me about what it's like to live in downtown Manhattan which was quite interesting. Then I asked a question which got rather an emotional response, and that shocked me to some extent. I asked him if he was in New York on September 11, and he said yes.

Immediately he started to get very emotional and I could see that he had pain in his eyes just by bringing the topic up. I asked him if he would prefer not to talk about it and he said yes. I respect that and stopped asking questions, but it really did help me to put a face to an emotion.

For an outsider, it's very easy to sit back, look at the numbers and come to a conclusion based on that, but when you take into account the lives involved, the figures really just aren't enough to convey the message. I had a similar experience recently when I watched Valkyrie, and I even blogged on this very topic this week I think.

But to meet someone, and to see the pain in their eyes, it realy is an amazing experience. I know it's easy to fall into the trap of saying, "More people die of starvation every day than those who died in the World Trade Center" but that doesn't mean that we can detract from the immensity of 9/11, it just means we need to increase our effots to reduce starvation.

So here's the lesson I've learned: Human life is more valuable than we could ever imagine, and tragedies are almost always much bigger than we, or at least I, give them credit for. I don't think I need to take time to cry every day for people who have died, but I do think that I should be more mindful of people's sacrifices, particuarly the people I meet in day to day life.

Stray Arrows

2009-02-14T15:44:00.000-08:00

So today was Valentine's day and it was very uneventful. I went to Canal Walk with a few friends and did some shopping and then went to a party at a friend's house. The party was good, had a few good times and got to meet some cool people.

With it being Valentine's day there were quite a few couples around and yet it was great because only one of the couples there were hanging on each other all the time, and no one really noticed to be honest. Usually at parties couples can't stop groping each other.

Anyway, I suspect there may have been some mixed signals throughout the evening, but I'll get back to you on that when it makes sense...

Solitude

2009-02-13T14:42:00.000-08:00

I've never experienced love. Well, romantic love. I've never been in love with a girl, I've never experienced companionship and the truth is that when I look at the variables I don't know if I want that in my life.

From what I've been told, a romantic interest grows from a mutual friendship / interest and in order for a relationship to succeed it needs to be based on and grow from a friendship. Now, I know it doesn't always start the same way but at the end of the day if you aren't friends with your significant other, you've got big problems.

But why change things? If you are friends with someone why risk that friendship with a romantic interest that is likely to not only change how the friendship operates but also how it will end.

Many of my friends have been in relationships over the years, and the truth is that people in relationships seem to spend at least 50% of their time either fervently working on their relationship or in fear that it will be the end of their relationship soon. Of the other 50%, about 25% is spent enjoying the relationship while the other 25% is spent preparing for or recovering from a major fallout.

Now, with my friends I spend about 95% of my time enjoying our friendship and 5% of the time working through issues. Why would I want to cut that down from 95% to 25% of the time?

Another thing is companionship. Is that all it's really cracked up to be? People say it's great to have someone you can go through life with, but at the end of the day when you lie awake at night it's only you awake. No one else is there. No one else can experience your anguish, nor should they. A person can only journey with you so far, after that you really are on your own.

And even if a person could journey with you all the way, why would you do that to people? I have experienced the most terrible nights in my life where I truly feel as if there is no hope, and my emotions are crushing my intellect, body and soul. Why would I want anyone to go through that? I wouldn't wish the anguish I've felt on my worst enemy, let alone someone I'm supposed to love with all my heart.

So why do people engage in relationships? I don't know, I don't understand it. Perhaps if I experience a relationship my viewpoint would change, but for now I think I'll stay in my comfort zone. So far it's working just fine...

New Adventures 5th - 12th

2009-02-12T06:25:00.000-08:00

This week is a bit of a lame New Adventures because I did it in a rush, but I'm sure you'll get the idea...

Friday

Friday evening was my good friend Gareth's birthday so we all headed through to his house for a braai and a hub. Matt and I got him a great cigar for his birthday, which I am sure he will enjoy immensely. The party was fun, and Pierre and I had a great chat about principles in the Bible and what we should expect from each other over a cigar. I really like cigars by the way, so the evening was a good one. We ended up just hanging out and chatting until about 01h30 before Matt, Donovan and I left to have a dota. It ended up being a bit of a fail, but we did do a bit of experimentation with a new strategy which didn't work in the end.

Saturday

Didn't do much. I watched V for Vendetta with my brother after going shopping with him, and then had a few games of dota. Everyone was busy so I just hung out at home and had a mellow evening. Ended up writing a reasonable blog though...

Sunday

Sunday afternoon we went to Donovan's house to watch some football, and then we headed through to a great church called Common Ground. It was Matthew's first adventure to a new church in a while, and Jan came along too which was great. The sermon wasn't amazing or anything like that, but it was Biblical and the worship was heartfelt and I appreciated that.

Janice also came along, and I think he enjoyed it, so that was good.

Monday

Monday I did some shopping and in the evening we started having a dota, which turned out to be a fail game. The second game we tried was also a fail because we were ripping the opposition team a new one, so it wasn't going to be any fun. Then Justin called Donovan and told him he was going to meet a friend at Mercury and would he like to go along.

We all abandoned our games of dota and Gareth, Donovan, Justin and I headed out to Mercury. We left at about 22h00 and after meeting up with the new friend we pretty much danced for 4 hours straight. No qualms. We also met up with Cruz and Nicole, both of whom are people we knew from church, and it was great also.

The music got much better at about 01h30, and we ended up having a great time headbanging to Nirvana and SOAD, which of course got us a lot of attention, even though it didn't work out for anyone in the end.

Tuesday

Tuesday morning I had my medical exam for my application to become an Air Traffic Controller. It was less fun than you'd hope, although I did get my first EKG and x-ray which was fun. I had to strip down to my boxers while the doctor poked me all over the place to test nerve reactions and blood pressure and all that. Then I had to piss in a cup, before doing a lung test. Apparently my lungs are 20% bigger than someone my age and height's should be, so I think that's good.

After sitting there for quite a while, I was told that because I had been on anti depressants I needed to go and see a psychiatrist and get a report, otherwise I would have to wait until June to partake in training, which was rather a daunting thought. After making my appointment I had a fail dota with a bunch of idiots, but whatever.

Wednesday

I saw Andre [my psychologist] and then went to fetch my brother from school. I hate doing that because I hate traffic but it needs to be done and I love him, so roll with the punches.

After the most dreadful trip along the M5 I had a great game of dota with two guys from the top clan in South Africa. Wow, those guys are really good. Then I went out with some friends to see the new Ricky Gervais movie, Ghost Town. It was ok, nothing amazing, but it was enjoyable. It's about a guy who accidentally dies and is then brought back to life during a surgery. After this experience he can see dead people and has to learn to be a kind person. It's funny but not the best film I've ever seen. Come to think of it, of all the films in my favorites category, only one or two of them are comedies...

After the film I came home and read a bit, then watched another two films at home. The first was called "The Heartbreak Kid". It was ok, but the story didn't inspire me to take a risk on girls at all, which is something that I have been thinking about a lot of late. So, probably shouldn't take any of the lessons learned to heart. After that I watched a great film called "Numb". Numb is about a man who suffers from depression and depersonalisation disorder, and his journey from trying to find a cure to realizing that the only cure is to learn to live with it. I think that I enjoyed the film because I could relate to it really strongly, specifically because I have experienced a lot of what the character does in the film, and I have made the same journey. When you are depressed you do dumb things, and nothing feels real. I can clearly remember being in a room, but feeling as if I was watching from a third person perspective and not knowing if I am dreaming or if I am awake. It's the most strange feeling that comes and goes even now, but learning to live with it is the only way to improve. If you don't know how depression works it's worth a watch.

Thursday

Thursday wasn't a good day. I started out by going to the psychiatrist and getting the report, only to find that the medical results needed to be in Joburg along with a signed contract by Friday. Unfortunately the doctor I need to see is not available until Monday, so I may only be able to start training in June, which is what I was trying to avoid. Well, life doesn't always work out the way you want it to, but I suppose it's all part of the journey...

I'm going to sit in traffic again now, as I have to fetch Jon from school, which won't be fun.

The Baby in the Bath

2009-02-11T04:38:00.001-08:00

No one interprets things the same way. We all have a past and that past directly influences our outlook on the present. Its not a negative thing, it's reality, and knowing how other people's past influence their perception is imperative because it helps us to 'correct' our perception where we need to. The key really is finding a middle ground.

But this is much easier said than done, not only because we are human and see what we want to but also because without a reference point we don't know where the middle ground is. It's fine to bridge the gap between two people, but what do you do when there are 5 or 6 people in a community who have different ideas? At this point finding a middle ground becomes somewhat lopsided.

And this is where 'Absolute Truth' comes into play. Now, Absolute Truth is an extremely tricky topic, and I could probably write an entire book about how I perceive it to work, and where it comes into play, and how it is moulded versus what it actually is and about a thousand other things, but I try to keep my blogs between one and two pages so we won't go there just yet.

But I will say that if we are to bridge the gap between people we need a truth, even if it isn't Absolute Truth, to use as a reference point. So, problem solved. No, you see everyone has a different interpretation of the 'truth' in question, and very few of the people are going to be right. Sure they will agree on the basics in most cases, but there will always be details that will be debated over until the cows come home.

Take for example programming. You can give four programmers the same objective and they will all go about achieving those objectives in completely different ways. Sure the basics will be the same but the actual execution of knowledge will differ. As long as all the parties have the basics nailed, no one will be wrong.

This same concept applies to anything, including Christianity. There is however one major problem with Christianity in my opinion. The bar is far to low. Modern day Christianity requires people to have 'faith' and that's it. No one needs to have any reasons, just faith. This means that while people believe they have the basics, they actually don't. And this leads to much bigger problems, like misinterpretation of doctrine and a misunderstanding of faith. In some cases people don't even know what being a Christian actually requires.

But the problem isn't that people are idiots, or that they are lazy or anything else like that. The problem is that people dismiss things they don't entirely understand as being meaningless in favor of 'blind faith', and by doing so they throw the baby out with the bathwater.

You see, faith is meaningless without action, but if you don't understand what is required you'll never know what action to take, thereby making your faith meaningless too.

Now you may be saying, "Well this man is an intellectual person and he is going to take things further than they need to be taken", and that is true to some extent but there has to be a middle ground. I'm willing to have more faith if you're willing to do some thinking, and that's what the world needs. Some people to sit down and use their brains..

Simply The Best

2009-02-10T07:48:00.000-08:00

People are quick to judge, but are only supportive when it benefits them which I find rather interesting. What's made me say this? Well at the moment I'm going through the process of getting a job as an Air Traffic Controller, and as a result of my depression, and being on anti-depressants, I may be turned down for the job.

It's not an ideal situation, but it is what it is. At the moment I'm saying to myself "I'm here to do my best, and that means doing what I can and being honest" but from another perspective one could simply look at the results and see that at the moment it's looking as if I might not get the job. And the situation would be even worse if in a few weeks I don't get the job, people could easily look at the situation and come to the conclusion that I have failed in my attempt to get this job. That's not an inaccurate statement, but it is one that hasn't been completely researched.

So which one is the correct approach? Well I guess it depends on which answer you were looking for. If you were hoping I'd get the job then you'd say "Well he did his best" but if you were indifferent then you'd be far more likely to say "He failed."

My personal opinion is that if I hadn't told the truth then I would have failed, simply because I value my integrity more than I value this job. As a result of that I chose to tell the truth and this is the consequence. It isn't a punishment, it's life.

But it has made me think, how often do we look at results and come to conclusions that may or may not be valid? If a man with down syndrome doesn't become a brilliant physics does that mean he has failed? If a man with a good family becomes a drug addict does that mean he has failed? If a woman becomes a brilliant physicist does that mean she has succeeded? One can not make these types of judgements without investigating the situation of the person in question, but at the same time we can't become personally acquainted with everyone we meet. It's just not possible.

So what's the solution? I suppose it's different for every person, but for me the solution is to hold back on the judgement in general, and take an interest in people who are in 'the room' with me at the time. If you don't get to know people you'll never impact anyone, and that would be a pity.

Facts do lie...

The Anonymity of Ideology

2009-02-09T08:26:00.000-08:00

This Saturday I watched one of my favorite films again; V for Vendetta. Every time I watch that film I learn something new about our society and the lives we live. For those of you who haven't seen the film I strongly recommend watching it because it's bloody brilliant.

In the film the government controls ever thing and everyone, and a masked man who calls himself 'V' decides to do something about it. He does this by creating chaos in rather brilliant ways. Toward the end of the film he sends out hundreds of thousands of masks, the same mask he wears, and allows people to pledge their allegience to him by wearing them. The people who receive these masks believe that they are now part of something bigger than themselves and launch themselves into chaos. By wearing these masks they adopt V's principles and rules and are thereby no longer bound by social morals.

This got me thinking about Christianity and the church as a whole. It's easy for us to say "Well, the church has made mistakes in the past" and not take any responsibility for it, when the truth is that it was people who made those mistakes and in order to make things better for ourselves and others we need to carry the can now.

At the same time, people like to believe things that work for them and when they are questioned why they reply "I'm a Christian". That type of response is not only useless but it demeans the person trying to get an answer and it makes you look like a dickhead because you can't string more than one doctrine together.

And this is where the problem comes in for me. I actually don't want to be associated with the church or Christianity simply because the average church goer doesn't ever think about anything but rather takes what they can and hides behind the term "Christian" or "Church" because up until now it has worked for them. They think that by adopting the term "Christian" they are becoming part of something bigger than themselves, which isn't the case at all. They also think that in order to become part of this 'larger entity' they need to adopt a way of thinking which is only partially true.

But by not associating with those people I suspect I am doing more harm than good. Not only because the church is God's plan, but also because I am not improving anything at any stage, and that's not right.

So where do we draw the line? Where do we say "I can't be a part of this" and where do we say "I need to make a difference?" I'm not sure if people's perception should be making a difference in our lives, but by not associating we are doing harm, and that's not the plan. I think it's a journey everyone needs to make, and making a difference is almost always worth the work. One has to have integrity and rely on our own decision making abilities to find where we draw that line.

I suspect that if we were to stop worrying about perception and think more about truth and people, we would stop doing harm and start making a difference...

Wet Pants

2009-02-08T04:05:00.000-08:00

For those of you who may not know, last week I received a call from the airport letting me know that after my second interview I had been successful in my job application, and am now a medical checkup and an NIA background check away from signing a contract to start training and ultimately become an Air Traffic Controller.

This is good news because it gives me an international qualification, a career and the ability to earn some decent cash, which I think will be great. There is however one major problem. I am piss scared.

Not scared about doing the work, but about the training. You see, I'm an analyst. I analyse everything around me all the time. I take in as much information as possible and then come to viable conclusions at every step. It's what keeps me alive, but in this case I have a problem. I haven't been able to get much information.

All I know is that I am going to training in Joburg for about 12 weeks and the training is supposed to start on the 23 of February. I don't know anything else and it really worries and scares me.

So what else do I need to know? Well, will I have Internet? Where will I be staying? How often will I be able to do washing? Will I get to go to the shops or do I need to take 3 months of deodorant? Will I need to cook for myself? Will I be sharing a room?

These are the questions I want answers to and I haven't been able to find anything out. It scares me because I don't know how to prepare.

Fear is a strange thing. Theoretically we should only fear things that have an immediate negative threat on our lives, and yet we fear things that have almost no lasting impact on our lives. In this case I know everything will work out irrespective of how it all goes, and I will come out on the other end without any lasting impact. The worst thing that can happen is that I will have to wear a dirty pair of jeans.

And yet this keeps me awake at night. I guess it comes down to what you value the most, and in my life I clearly value information more than I value my own physical safety, literally. I think that our way of thinking has evolved to such an extent that we don't even consider our physical needs. Or at least I don't.

Is this the right approach? I'm not sure, but it sure seems to be an appropriate one.

So should we be changing? I don't know but I'm unlikely to before the end of this month. So for now I will continue my quest for information and not rest until I have more, in every aspect of my life not only this one.

Rome Bound Part 6

2009-02-07T09:26:00.000-08:00

Ok, so I know you all hate it when I talk about football in my blog but I don't care. So here's how I see Chelsea's hopes in the three leagues/cups I care about...

Premier League

While it is feasible that Chelsea could win the Premier League it's highly unlikely. The truth is that the team have suffered so many injuries that consistency is almost impossible, and combined with the fact that it is Luiz Feliepe Scolari's first season as coach and that he has the smallest squad in many years the likelihood of them winning is very low. I think they will probably come second, possibly third but not first. That ship has, in my opinion, already sailed.

UEFA Champions League

I think Chelsea can still do really well in Champions League. Chelsea have a very attacking style of play with Scolari, which I love, and things are just starting to come right with the defence really tightening up and the midfield working well with the forward three. Who knows what will happen? If Chelsea string a few good results together, like they have started doing now, they will have the confidence to win. With Drogba being an amazing player and starting to show signs of getting better perhaps he can help the team to lift their game and then I think they will go very far. They probably won't win it this season, but I think that they will win it next season simply because it'll be Scolari's second season in charge and he will have all the money he wants at the end of this season to buy players to fit into what he wants to do. I see good times coming ahead.

FA Cup

Chelsea have done ok in the FA Cup so far this season, and I don't see them suddenly doing badly. I think they want to win it, and they might just do it this season, who knows...

End of the day, Chelsea have struggled with a smaller squad and injuries this season, as well as inexperience, but I don't think it is the end for them. Financially they are in a brilliant position, with no debt, and they have great players and a wonderful budget so as to get even more brilliant players. This is not the end, it's the same thing that all teams go through when you change coach, and it's to be expected.

New Adventures Characters Part 2

2009-02-06T01:44:00.000-08:00

Ok, here's the continuation of the introduction to the main characters in 'New Adventures'. I'll tell you all about the more minor characters as we go along...

Pierre

I met Pierre while I was in high school and from the first time I met him I thought "This man know what he's talking about". Pierre is one of those people who reads about a lot in life, and then considers until he has an answer. He doesn't say anything unless he has and understanding of what he is saying, and because he reads a lot he knows a lot. I wish I read as much as Pierre does. Whenever I have a question I am exploring Pierre is my first stop, I don't know how he does it but everytime I talk to him I gain clarity about all kinds of things. Pierre is also an amazing friend in ever arena, extremely supportive and he really has a genuine interest in my life, as well as all of his other friends.

Kelly

Kelly is Pierre's girlfriend, and an amazing girl too. She is also an extremely supportive person who is open to pretty much anything. Ready to explore any topic and open to hearing people out, Kelly really is a great advice giver especially when it comes to girls. I never know what to do but she always does. Wonderful saviour. Having said that I still don't have a girlfriend, but that's not her fault. Another thing about Kelly is that she's super tolerant, she just takes a lot of crap that I wouldn't and does it smiling because she believes that helping her friends doesn't always meaning giving them a piece of her mind.

Stacey

Stacey is a very quiet girl who truly cares for everyone she meets. She is always happy to give of herself, and never scared of really getting to know someone. While she is quiet most of the time I suspect that if you got her to speak up she'd say a lot more than anyone bargained for, most of it being absolutely true. Stacey is also a very resiliant person who doesn't give herself enough credit for what she's accomplished but is truly respected by all.

Gareth

Of all our friends Gareth is the easiest to read. He really does wear his heart on his sleeve. Ok not literally but you know what I mean. He is one of those guys who you just know wants the best for everyone around him at all times, and really does show it. He's studying at music and shares my passion for music. He and I often exchange music across all genres and with Gareth I find I can listen to some death metal and love it and then listen to some hip hop or jazz or anything else and enjoy it just as much. And he plays guitar much better than I do, although that's not difficult...

Mike

Mike is one of the most considerate people I've ever met. He is always thinking about other people before he thinks about himself, and I've never seen anyone have a stronger feeling of compassion than he does. If you tell him about something in your life he actually feels pain for you, it's amazing. Mike also has very high standards and doesn't give himself enough credit for his achievement or what he's come through in his life. He's really an amazing person.

New Adventures Characters Part 1

2009-02-05T02:20:00.000-08:00

So this week I was going to start New Adventures, but it's been a fairly uneventful week and I figured many of you may not know the characters in my life, so I've decided to put in a short introduction to each person:

Richard [on dota it's jeb]

I'm the writer of this blog in case you didn't know, so everything is directly related to me in some way or another, otherwise it wouldn't make it into the blog. I've recently been accepted for a job as an Air Traffic Controller, so I will have to go to Jo'burg for a while at the end of this month, and then I will be back. I'm trying to get a laptop so I can still blog, surf the net and dota while I'm away, but it's proving to be slightly more difficult than I'd hoped. Any ideas?

Donovan [Tessa on dota, but we all just call him Donovan which he doesn't like]

Donovan is a wonderful man who is studying film. He writes wonderful scripts for all kinds of films, and he is a great actor. Donovan has a very dry and somewhat dark sense of humor, and he is extremely honest at all times which I love. He also loves pushing people's buttons to wind them up. I just let him do it and then have a laugh, but some people hate it. Having said all of this Donovan is also the most generous person I've ever met, and would stand by anyone through thick and thin, no qualms.

Justin [Jizzer on dota, we call him this in real life too]

Justin is currently doing an honours degree in Theology and is one of the most wonderful men I've ever met. He is so tolerant and understanding it's incomprehendable. He is also always open to listening to anyone at any stage, and is a hopeless romantic which is a good thing in my books. Justin also has quite a dry sense of humor and is a much stronger person than he gives himself credit for. Justin is also probably the most self controlled person I've ever met, and is extremely dependable too.

Matt [Steven_Gerrard on dota, but we just call him Matt]

Of all my friends, I've known Matt the longest. He and I first met when I was 14 I think, and right from the beginning I liked him. We didn't really know each other, and were very different in many ways, but there was some sort of understanding between us, and since our friendship has grown slowly but surely. Matt is possibly the most analytical person I've ever met. He truly is a genius, and has an amazing ability to take in all the facts and variables and come to a viable conclusion in any situation. He is also very objective in any situation, unless of course he has made a decision, in which case there is no turning back.

Tessa [she doesn't play dota, but Donovan would disagree]

Tessa is Matt's girlfriend, and in my opinion he couldn't have made a better choice. Tessa is a very warm person, who just gets on really well with everyone. She's a really easy going person, happy to meet new people and go new places. Other than she enjoys holidays in Thailand and at one stage she was a dancer, I don't know much about her, but I've yet to see something I didn't like, so thumbs up to Tessa.

Well, you'll have to wait for Part 2 to meet the rest of the characters, so see you tomorrow.

Logs of Wood

2009-02-04T04:44:00.000-08:00

So recently I've realised a major problem I have. I would clasify myself as someone who listens quite well to whatever people say, but after a good job of listening to people, I always make the same mistake. I relate the person's problem to one of my own.

Like, someone may talk about a time when they have had a fallout with a family member, and they have said something they now regret. Instead of just leaving it at that, acknowledging their feelings and encouraging them to do what they want to, I always give an example of when something similar happened to me, and I think it's a problem.

Sure on occasion giving an example is a good thing, but I'm not here to fix people's problems, I'm here to help them out as best I can without making them feel like they are obligated to do something.

The truth is that I don't want people to fix my problems, so why do I continue to try and fix other people's problems? Perhaps it is one of those things that irritates you in others that can be found within yourself.

So, from now on I shall do my best to not fix but rather just support and listen. I won't try and take away from other people's experiences but rather acknowledge their emotions and support their decisions.

At this stage I would like to apologise to anyone I may have offended. I did not mean to imply that your problem is meaningless, or that you are wrong. I was merely trying to help you, which I now see may have been the wrong way to do it. I hope you can forgive me.

Facing Your Past

2009-02-03T08:25:00.000-08:00

So many of you will know that up until recently I have been involved in a church which I am no longer affiliated with. Tonight I am going back to my old small group and I am expecting to have to answer some completely valid questions. Questions like why aren't you involved in the church any more? What changed? Why have you come to this conclusion?

There is nothing wrong with any of these questions but answering them is problematic simply because for me it has been a very long journey, probably about 3 years or so, and to try and explain everything in a way that doesn't alienate people is rather challenging.

You see, I was the perfect boy. I had my blue eyes and blonde hair because I did everthing right first time. I dotted my I's and crossed my T's every time, and I hated it.

But why did I do it? Well, that's a difficult question to answer. I think it had something to do with me buying into a lie that this is how Christianity is lived out. I believed that by devoting all of my time to the church I was elevating myself as a Christian, and was more likely to find the answers to my questions. I believed that what I was doing was the path to find the answers to my questions. But I still don't have the answers.

The truth is that it was also what I thought I had to do in order to be accepted as a friend. I thought that without doing it I couldn't be a Christian and have friends that valued the same things as I did.

And finally I did it because it was comfortable. I got involved when I was 13 years old and did the same thing until I was about 19 or 20. While what I was doing wasn't getting my questions answered, it did give me an escape which was viewed as a good thing, as well as provide me with friends.

But eventually I got tired of not knowing why things were right or wrong, and not being able to explore topics like freewill or any other theological doctrine for that matter. I got tired of hanging out with people who refused to engage in the topics I wanted to explore, and I got tired of doing things I didn't believe were meaningful. I got tired of sacrificing for something I don't believe in.

Most of the time I don't believe in the church, and have felt that way for about 3 or 4 years now. The church doesn't support people in their journey, they provide people with a stereotype to fit into, and if you don't you're seen as a sinner. Now this isn't wrong because it works for some people, but for me it never has worked, and it probably never will.

I'm a clever person, and I love exploring things irrespective of whether they are seen as Christian or Satanic, releveant or irrelevant, meaningful or meaningless, the thought process is what excites me and in the process strengthens my faith.

But where I've come from, that type of thing is looked down on, or so I felt. This may not be the case but it's how I view the situation.

So I no longer buy these lies, that there is one way to live out my faith, or that I have to meet certain requirements in order to change things within a community. That doesn't mean that the church isn't making a difference, it just means that I can't live like that anymore.

Strategic Dodge

2009-02-01T14:07:00.000-08:00

So, I've been trying to think about what I should write about all day, and nothing in specific has come to mind. Then something happened and I've been thinking about that ever since, but I can't talk about it now, so I thought I'd post two poems by one of my favorite writers instead:

"He Wishes For the Cloths of Heaven" by William Butler Yeats

Had I the heaven's embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and the half-light,

I would spread the cloths under your feet:
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.

"The Second Coming" by William Butler Yeats

Turning and turning in the widening gyre
The falcon cannot hear the falconer;
Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold;
Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world,
The blood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere
The ceremony of innocence is drowned;
The best lack all conviction, while the worst
Are full of passionate intensity.

Surely some revelation is at hand;
Surely the Second Coming is at hand.
The Second Coming! Hardly are those words out
When a vast image out of Spiritus Mundi
Troubles my sight: somewhere in sands of the desert
A shape with lion body and the head of a man,
A gaze blank and pitiless as the sun,
Is moving its slow thighs, while all about it
Reel shadows of the indignant desert birds.
The darkness drops again; but now I know
That twenty centuries of stony sleep
Were vexed to nightmare by a rocking cradle,
And what rough beast, its hour come round at last,
Slouches towards Bethlehem to be born?

Breaking Point

2009-01-31T15:24:00.000-08:00

We all have limits. Not only within ourselves, but also with regards to other people. We all have to draw a line in the sand. But I always wonder, do we sometimes draw that line just a little too late? Or a little to early?

A while ago someone told me a statistic which I don't believe is true but I do believe that the principle behind the statistic is true. He said "If 70% of businesses went 10% further they would be a success". Now, that really doesn't sound like a researched statistic, but it does reflect a sentiment, that if we all pushed a little bit further things would probably work out for the better.

At the same time I think that same sentiment can be turned around and used in a negative way, and it would be just as true. If we had drawn the line just a little bit earlier we would not have had to go through many of life's hardships. Whether this is a good thing or a bad thing is up to you to decide, but it's an interesting concept nonetheless.

So, is the reason that we don't succeed but rather fail because we just don't see that we need to push on, or that we should draw the line [in the case of failure], or is there something else at play here?

I believe that if you can see that pushing a little further is going to cause failure then you should be able to see that pushing a little further will bring success, but I also believe that people are more afraid of success than failure. I know I am.

I can usually see when things are getting better or when things are going south, but I would rather face failure than success because success usually brings change, and that's something I really don't want to introduce in my life at the moment.

A perfect example is with this potential job to become an Air Traffic Controller. The idea of getting in is in most cases classified as success, but it really scares me, and I'm not sure if I should push that far because I don't know if I actually want that success and change in my life. It would be far easier to go back to everyone and say that I didn't get the job than it will be for me to go to my friends and say that I got the job and now I have to potentially move city. I don't know if I would survive that. Really I don't.

At this stage I have to define what I see as success, and then look at which decision would bring about the most amount of success in my life. Pushing through that last 10% is the hardest, not because it's the most amount of work, but because at that stage you can see the success, and indeed the changes coming, and perhaps that's the biggest deterrent.

Character Traits

2009-01-30T16:04:00.000-08:00

I have a theory which states "What irritates you about others is likely to be a downfall in your own character." This is of course my own theory and is only based on my experience, so it's not proven in any way, shape or form. I do believe it to be true. Here's an example: I hate it when people are under pressure, and then disregard people in pursuit of their desired outcome, but that is exactly what I do when there is a high pressure situation. I automatically become excessively aggressive in order to get the 'job' done.

Now some people see this as a necessity, but I don't. I actually see it as a problem, and something I need to work on.

But this trait can work for good as well as for bad, and as long as you are out there to improve yourself, it's a very good thing in every situation.

Here's another example in my life. I love a show called "The Big Bang Theory". Basically it's a sitcom about five people, with two characters being the main characters. In the story, there are two geniuses who live together in a flat, with one of them being socially retarded and exceptionally brilliant, while the other is more socially advanced but is still intellectually superior and would easily fall into the category of 'nerd'.

Now, the more socially advanced 'nerd' has a crush on the girl who lives across the hallway, in the opposite flat. She of course isn't particularly clever, but is extremely good looking and has a heart of gold. The story revolves around the interaction between the geniuses and their 'nerd' friends, and this hall neighbour.

Now, in case you don't know I have a very high IQ. I don't feel bad about, I don't make it a thing, it is what it is. At the same time, I can clearly see in myself similarities with Leonard and Sheldon (the main characters), and I know that the average person sees me as a weirdo because of it.

In some cases I don't think of it as a problem, but in others I do. I suppose that as long as you are open to accurately and open mindedly assessing the situation there are no problems. The trick is being able to admit you're wrong and having a good attitude about it.

So next time you see something in someone else that really grinds your tits, think about yourself before you start telling people to jump in a lake.

New Adventures Message

2009-01-29T15:18:00.000-08:00

So I have been rather bad with my blogging of late, but I promise I'm on the 'mend' and will be blogging every day from now on, and next week will be the first New Adventures in a while, so I hope you have all been missing it and will read next week.

My apologies once again.

Exploring Interests

2009-01-28T06:54:00.000-08:00

Everyone has different ways of looking at things, at doing things and at exploring things. Some people like to pour milk into their tea before taking the bag out, others insist on removing the bag beforehand, some people don't take the bag out at all. Are any of these people wrong? I should think not. They just have a different way of doing things.

This principle extends throughout every aspect of life, down to the finest detail. Even within larger 'cultures' there are massive differences, and these differences are all part of what makes the world such a rich and intricate place to live.

One of the topics I have recently been thinking about is how people profess their faith. I am a thinking person, and when I love something, irrespective of whether it be quantum mechanics or football, I read about it. I read, then think, then read some more, then discuss and then read again. I often don't come to a concrete conclusion because I just like to read and hear about both sides of the argument, and that's actually what I end up enjoying more that I enjoy the football itself.

Now for me to express my faith, all I need to do is read the Bible every day, pray and read books about the Bible, theology and other philosophical books to do with religion, morals, free will or anything pertaining to a higher being for that matter. I don't agree with it all, and I don't condone a lot of it either, but if I never read it then I'll never be able to connect with the average person who asks questions about 'Natural Selection' or any other topic for that matter.

But my way of expressing my faith is not the same as everyone else's. I have friends who see it as pointless to sit around and discuss things like free will, because they see it as inconsequential in the bigger picture of Salvation. The believe that if you accept Salvation, then you don't really need to do any more research but rather just serve people. For them they only want to be involved at a church, serving in the community and other people. That is how they express their faith.

Now neither of those is wrong, but I'd also say that neither of those is negligible within your life. You need to have both, even if you enjoy one much more, and therefore have much more of it in your life.

For example, I may sit around pondering the importance of historical context, but if I never help an old lady across the road, she's never going to see me as anything more than some 'leeching youngster'. Perception is as important as works in many cases, not all but many.

I'm on a journey at the moment, and the truth is that the further down the rabbit hole I go the more I realise that having a balance isn't compromise but rather wisdom. The balance doesn't have to be perfect, but without it you lose much of your influence, and that's what you need to make a difference.

Inner City Pressure

2009-01-27T01:52:00.000-08:00

No matter how you value things, and irrespective of how that value system differs from society's value system, there are certain thing you just have to do in life. Not because people expect it or because it's the right thing to do but rather because it's actually what you need to do to live. Mediocrity isn't as bad as it sounds.

For example, in my life the things I value are people, God / YHVH, wisdom and knowledge, standard of living, music and having fun. Society however paints a different picture. The general consensus is that we should be striving to push ourselves forward, gaining as much wealth as possible so as to ensure security, and we should trust only ourselves because we are the only people we can rely on day in and day out. The easiest way to push yourself forward while achieving these things is by having a career we can focus on and build into. But the truth is that I don't value a career.

I do however value a standard of living. I want to eat reasonably well, drink good coffee and bourbon, wear neat clothes, live in a well equipped and good looking home, enjoy entertainment over weekends with friends and have enough money to buy things I want. Clearly if I work in an average retail shop for the rest of my life that won't happen. Having said that, I don't really value a career enough to sacrifice for it, especially if it isn't necessary.

So where is all of this coming from? Well, at the moment I'm faced with quite a problem. I have potentially got two jobs lined up. The first will be working in a music shop selling drumming equipment, which I think would be great for now but doesn't really have much of a sustainable future other than me moving into some sort of management position which probably won't pay much anyway. The second is more of a career, potentially receiving training to become an Air Traffic Controller [ATC].

The pros for the job as an ATC are fairly clear. Higher pay, lifetime career option and international accreditation. The cons however are that I would have to sign a 5 year contract with the company which says that they can place me in any position at any airport around the country without warning or any compensation. So they can decide that I need to move to Upington, or Joburg, or George without consulting me or any required forewarning. The other thing is that I don't want to get into a job I end up hating and having to stay in it for 5 years. That would suck. The other thing is that the job requires shift work, all year round.

The pros of working at the music shop are less responsibility, easy and relaxed environment, I can stay in the city, set and easier hours and I would be around musical instruments all the time. It also keeps me in the music industry which is where I have been working for the last year or so, and I'd get to meet international bands when the shop supplies their gear for tour etc. The cons are that I would have lower pay, less possibility of career development, it may be seen as a job that is not respected and would often have to work on Saturdays.

I have no idea which one is likely to open up for me, or which one I'm going to pursue, but all I can do right now is wait and see. It's killing me, but it's all I can do.

Waiting For God

2009-01-25T15:03:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I sit around just waiting for the world to end, or at least to die. I feel so worn out by life, I just think "the only break I'm ever going to get is when I die." But at the same time I've done some research into the 'end' [based on the fact that I believe in the Bible, and Revelation] and I know that I've got at least another 1000 years ahead of me before making it to the New Jerusalem, and that's not going to be what the average Christian / person thinks or hopes it's going to be.

The truth is that hanging onto some sort of hope of abysmal relief isn't the answer to my problem, but finding the answer is proving to be rather difficult.

Initially I thought that if we are all eternal beings then every moment is infinitely meaningless, unless an entirely engulfing emotion is being experienced in as many moments as possible. This however brings about a mentality which causes one to chase high after high, simply because it is impossible to experience strong emotions all the time. And who wants to experience anguish? Or despair? Or hatred? So you spend your time chasing after pleasant emotions, which is a never ending battle and entirely meaningless and inconsequential.

I happen to know that the requirement for wealth is equally meaningless, if only because most of the world will be destroyed before we make it to the New Jerusalem [often referred to as 'heaven'].

So that brings me to the conclusion that the only things worth chasing after are things that I can take with me after I've died and things that last longer than 75 years [average lifespan of a human].

This brought me to the conclusion that the only thing worth running after is wisdom, and as a result thereof, knowledge. These things are however just as much a let down as the others, because the more wisdom I find, the more sorrow I find; and the more knowledge I find the bigger my burden becomes. Apparently I'm not the first person to feel this way either, "For with much wisdom comes much sorrow; the more knowledge, the more grief." [Ecc 1:18]

It is at this stage that many people would jump up and say "well it is because life isn't about you it's about God" or something equally unfounded. As far as I'm aware the Bible never tells us that our lives are intended for worshipping any god, but rather that the Father is worth of our praise and all glory.

I'm a big fan of looking at initial intentions, and in the beginning the Father told man, "Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it. Rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air and over every living creature that moves on the ground." [Gen 1:28]

Now there's nothing here about glorifying the Father, but is this perhaps the answer I was looking for all along? Is it this simple? If I'm honest I don't think it is, simply because a lot has changed since then.

In the end I think it comes down to a healthy mixture of everything. Very seldom is it wise to be extreme about anything, and finding a happy medium is not so much compromise as it is a good balance irrespective of the situation or consequence thereof.

I don't know a lot for sure, but I do know that at the moment I'm feeling like most of life is meaningless and that the only things that are worth investing in are people, wisdom and the Father. It may be somewhat of a bleak outlook, but that's where I stand at the moment and it only gets more complicated the further in you go. At the same time I'm already in this rabbit hole, and I'm not planning on coming out alive...

I'd like to stress at this point that I may be wrong about anything and am happy to discuss any of my philosophical or theological believes or views with anyone who is willing to share theirs and hear me out. I don't claim to know everything, or even be close to being right all the time, but I believe that life is about living and learning, so that's what I'm here to do.

That Type of Person

2009-01-24T05:39:00.000-08:00

Have you ever seen a film named Crash? If you haven't, it's really a must see. Basically it highlights how people react to situations based on stereotypes, how they are created and how they are broken. Believe it or not, you have stereotypes in your mind, and they affect everything you see, read and hear.

I have a problem with stereotypes, because I tend to 'prepare' myself for what people might do based on a preconceived idea I have of them. While I don't think of myself as someone who judges people, I have experience with types of people, and I 'brace' myself for what they are going to say or do based on what type of person I think they are. Now, I have been proven wrong on a number of occasions, but most of the time I'm right. That's why it's a stereotype.

Here's an example. You may not know Facebook, but it's an application where you can meet and network with business associates, friends or family, or just express your ideas and preferences online. Part of the application entails you detailing 'what you are doing right now' in a box called 'Status'. From this people can see what you are thinking, experiencing or just want to say at any stage.

Now, as soon as I see a girl putting things in her status that have to do with glorifying God I immediately see them as a shallow, frivolous person whose lives are in a permanent state of panic. I hate it. I'm all for people giving glory to the Father, but when they do it with Facebook I feel that it cheapens the experience because you can't fully explain what happened. And in my experience the people who put these types of things in their status are people who live in constant fear, without control of their lives, hoping that God will guide them to what they should eat for lunch today.

At the same time you can look at a guy with long hair and immediately see him as a dirty and forward person who probably listens to heavy metal and can barely string three sentences together. Now, some of the time the stereotype is going to ring true, some of the time you will be wrong and some of the time the truth is a mixture of the two.

This isn't a problem if you can choose to look past these stereotypes and actually get to know the person, but in my case, and almost entirely when it comes to potential girlfriends, this is mostly impossible because I write the woman off before I've even said hello.

You see, I'm an analyst. I love to analyse anything and everything from the word go, and it affects my perception of people. And for me it's a problem because as a result of this, directly or indirectly, I've never had a girlfriend because all the girls I've ever gotten to know I've written off before I really knew them.

And now I'm scared, because even if I did like a girl I wouldn't actually know how to approach it without coming on too strong, or alienating the person, I wouldn't know how to read the 'signs', assuming there are any and I wouldn't know how to look past the things I see immediately. I don't know.

The other thing of course is that I could spend all day finding excuses as to why I can't do anything right now: I don't know if I'll have to move for work, I'm currently broke because I don't have a job, stress at home and about a thousand other reasons.

I guess in this case, the first thing to do is to choose to look past the stereotype, and then to take a risk. I'll probably get burned a few times and make quite a few mistakes, but I'll just have to wing it. At the end of the day the timing isn't going to be perfect, and neither am I so it's all a risk really.

I guess it's time I broke some of my stereotypes...

The Other Side of the Pancake

2009-01-23T02:10:00.000-08:00

This is one of my 'things'. Everyone has things that they value very strongly; ideals and principles that they strive for in their day to day living, and hearing both sides of the story is one of my 'things'. Other things I value are honesty and integrity, not being emotionally governed, justice / fairness [not the same but usually go hand in hand] and never judging or imposing your ideas on anyone else.

Now, recently a friend of mine challenged me about my lifestyle. He believes that my current lifestyle is not in line with Christianity and I need to make changes. Now, I don't mind people challenging me, in fact I love it, but I don't enjoy it when it's executed as a judgement rather than a conversation.

Before we can conclude if my lifestyle is not in line with the lifestyle of a Christian, we have to determine what the requirements are for one to be seen as a Christian.

Not everyone agrees with this, but I believe that being a Christian means two things: Accepting Jesus as your Savior and then living by the principles that governed his life, and are laid out in the Bible. This however is where the problem comes in.

The question of how to define salvation is a difficult one, and the answer is rather convoluted, but basically it means that we acknowledge that if Jesus hadn't given up His perfect life, we would all be going south very fast. But that's not where it ends, but rather where it starts.

From there the basic idea is that we have to improve our lives by reading the Bible and applying the principles that are outlined in the Bible, which are also the same principles that Jesus lived by when he was around. Now, this is an extremely simplified version because there are many different things in the Bible that people can interpret differently based on their own ideals and experiences.

Example, Ephesians 5v3 states "But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God's holy people." [NIV]

Now I may read that and say, "Cool, I don't drink to get drunk, I don't do drugs, I am a virgin, I'm not greedy, so I'm good"

But another person may come along and say "Drinking is wrong because alcohol is a poison therefore it's impure, therefore it's wrong. Smoking is an impurity, therefore it's wrong. Any sort of sexual activity, irrespective of how small [I'm talking about holding hands, kissing etc] is wrong, and wanting anything in life is greedy because all we need is air, therefore we should not want anything so that's wrong too."

Now, is one of these wrong? I'm not entirely sure, but this is why listening to both sides of the story is imperative.

My friend believes that any sort of drinking is wrong, any sort of smoking is wrong, and even going to a club where there are people doing drugs is wrong. I don't feel that way. I believe that drinking or smoking done in moderation, and responsibility, is the way to go. If you can do these things and go into a club and have a good time without having to be drunk or high or hook up with some girl, then you're more likely to make an impact on people you meet than someone who just comes in and believes everything around him or her is wrong.

Having said that, you can go into a club and not partake in any of the activities around you, and still make an impact on the people around you. At the end of the day, how much of an impact you make comes down to your attitude.

If you have a rubbish attitude, people don't want to talk to you. I have made a bigger influence by going to clubs, having a drink and chatting to drunk people than I ever did when I was trying to be the perfect Christian. But again, that's just my view of things, and it's not guaranteed to be right.

At the end of the day, I hope to be able to always hear people out, not to judge people and to be true to what I believe is right based on what the Bible says. Sure it's unlikely that I'll agree 100% with anyone in the world, because we all have different experiences and different interpretations of what we believe, but if you are happy to hear me out then I'm happy to chat.

No matter how flat you make a pancake, there are still two sides.

Rome Bound Part 5

2009-01-21T07:36:00.000-08:00

This post has more to do with Chelsea and their recent rumors than Champion's League, but I suppose that changes in the club directly influence their success in CL, so I guess it's appropriate.

Recently there have been a huge amount of rumours going around about all kinds of things, some of them being Luiz Felipe Scolari being fired, Roman Abramovich selling the club, Ivanovic transferring [could happen], Terry transferring, Malouda transferring, Drogba being kicked out, Valencia being bought and Robinho coming to Chelsea. Of the above a few are likely, some could happen and one or two are NEVER going to happen. I'll take a look at each, give my opinion, and then put my own opinion out there as to what I think Chelsea should do.

Before we start, I would just like to say that I believe, and the general consensus is that Chelsea need new players, if not now then before next season, simply because the team have had so many injuries, as well as having a slightly 'thinner' squad than in previous years, and indeed than most top flight clubs. Chelsea have 25 players in their first team squad, while Manchester United have over 30 and Real Madrid have nearly 40.

Rumor 1 - Luiz Felipe Scolari being fired.

Luiz Felipe Scolari is a very successful coach who is clearly very good at his job, but has fallen victim to some unlucky times due to player injuries. The team haven't been performing well in the last 6 - 8 weeks, and as a result he has come under fire. Theoretically he is only the second coach since Abramovich bought the club [Avram Grant doesn't really count], and so there really isn't any evidence that Chelsea fire their managers if they don't win immediately. But people talk, and their was a rumor that he would be fired if the team didn't beat United, which the didn't do. Luckily for him, he still has his job and the team are doing 'better'. At the end of the day he's a great coach and I really think it would have been dumb to have fired him.

Rumor 2 - Roman Abramovich selling the club

I have no idea where this one came from, but it's unlikely that it'll happen soon simply because he's put too much money into the club, and there's no one who is likely to pay $1 bn for Chelsea during this economic climate. And if some Saudi family did buy the club, that would be a good thing, not a bad thing, because they would have hundreds of millions of pounds to flash around buying players like Ricardo Kaka, or Lionel Messi or whoever tickled Scolari's fancy. At the moment's Abramovich is suing a newspaper, so I don't think he's going to sell anytime soon.

Rumor 3 - Ivanovic transferring

This one could happen, because since moving to Chelsea, he hasn't really impressed much, even though he's a great defender, and I don't think his style of play really works for the club. There's a rumor that Inter Milan are trying to buy him, and apparently so are Manchester City [no surprise there...] but I think it's more likely that he'll move to Inter Milan because they are prepaired to give Chelsea another Portuguese defender, as well as money which is nice. If I remember correctly the Portuguese defender [I can't remember his name] has worked with Scolari before, and is very good, so this deal looks like it will go through in the next week...

Rumor 4 - Terry moving to Manchester City

Mark Hughes really has lost the plot, bidding 40 mil for Terry. Besides the fact that he'd never move, I don't know if 40 mil is enough. If you're willing to spend 263 mil on Kaka, then Terry is probably worth a little more...

Rumor 5 - Malouda Moving

People say that Malouda has been a flop ever since joining Chelsea, but I don't agree with that. He may not have been what people were expecting but he's a great right wing, and I hope the club don't sell him, or at least not now. I guess if they choose to sell him after the season, and they get a good price, it may be worth it. But I like him, he's second string behind Joe Cole, and he's got a great eye for a cross as well as making some really energetic runs.

Rumor 6 - Drogba Moving

I really don't know what's going on here. There are so may rumors going around that Scolari hates him, he hates Chelsea, he's in love with France etc. Personally I don't want him to leave because he's a better striker than Anelka [my opinion] and he's had some injury problems but he's all good now so I can't see him not playing really well. I say keep Drogba until his contract runs out, and if he's not playing well in 2 years time sell him, otherwise please keep him because he's awesome.

Rumor 7 - Valencia

I think this one might be true, because since the beginning of the season when the club lost out on Robinho, they have been struggling on the left wing and central midfield. As a result I think the team needs at least one more wing player and one more central midfielder, and I think Valencia will be a great addition to the team.

Rumor 8 - Robinho

People are saying that Robinho is unhappy at Manchester City, but I don't know what's happening there. All I can say is that it sucks that he didn't go to Chelsea, and it woud be great if he ends up there soon.

Rumor 9 - Teves

Chelsea have put a bid in to buy Teves from United, and I really want him to join the team. His contract ends at United at the end of the season, and with him playing second string to Rooney and Berbatov, I reckon he'll move no qualms. Apparently Real Madrid have also officially registerd their intent to buy him, but I think he'll want to stay in England, that is why he chose West Ham in the first place...

Ok, so here's what I think. Chelsea are a great team with great facilities. They have a few great players who are you and are not the best in the world now but will probably be in 3 years time and I think they need their chance to train with the best and play in the squad. Having said that, you still need stability within the rest of the squad, so I think they need one new winger, Teves if I had my way, and one new central midfielder or a new left back because if they get a new left back then Belletti can play in midfield instead of right back, where Paulo Ferriera has moved from.

If they can get a new left back, then Ferriera can move back to right back with Bosingwa, so the central midfielders would then be Lampard, Ballack, Belletti and Deco. Wings would be J Cole, Malouda, Kalou and one more, and strikers would be Drogba and Anelka. Di Santo and Stoch play on the wings, Kakuta plays central midfield and Mancienne plays full back.

I don't know if it'll happen but it'll be great if it does...

Rings

2009-01-21T05:53:00.000-08:00

Commitment. I don't know if it's a universal thing, but it sees that it's always that is taken very seriously, and needs to be considered long and hard before making a decision about a commitment, and the longer the commitment the longer the thinking involved.

Now, there's a stereotype which says that guys have a problem with commitment. I don't know if this is founded on anything but I think I may have a problem with commitment. Not really anything in specific, but I just really don't like to say yes or no to anything I can't follow through on, and more so with anything I don't have a guarantee that I can't follow through on.

I don't like to commit to anything that could end up being, or will be, long term. And I don't like to commit to anything that will have changing conditions. I guess that's part of why I'm having such a rough time deciding on a career, and in the more immediate future, this job as an Air Traffic Controller.

I haven't heard back from them yet, other than that they want my Matric Certificate which I don't have and am waiting to get, but the idea of working in a company where I need to sign a 5 year contract literally keeps me up at night. And the situation is made worse because I may need to move around the country and work in different airports wherever they may need me.

I don't know why but I literally have anxiety all the time about this situation as well as other situations like what's going to happen to my gran? She can't move into the place she needed to go to, so now she has to move in with my family, but that is not going to be good. Trust me.

At the same time I have a whole lot of other stuff going on with friends and this isn't making the situation any better. I am just very scared that I'm going to make a commitment that I can't get out of, and end up hating my life 6 months after taking the job, or whatever the case may be.

I don't know if it's just me being silly and not wanting to commit at all, or if it's me being being pessimistic, or if I'm actually being wise in considering everything. I know I can't run away from my problems but at the moment facing them is fairly difficult.

I don't want to end up in a situation where commitment in general is a problem, so if that is the root problem then maybe dealing with that now is the way out, but I also don't want to waste time not making a decision.

Either way I need to face everything and hope it doesn't kill me. I need to eventually make a decision and stick by it, and then not make everyone else's life a living hell. I guess all I can do is make the best decisions possible in every situation that comes my way, and then hope that it all works out...

No Rest For The Wicked

2009-01-17T14:13:00.000-08:00

I won't lie to you, I'm having a shit time at the moment. A friend of mine who has had some rather 'world shaking' experiences of late called me 'wicked'. Now, if you aren't from a Christian background you may not know this, but in the Bible the term 'wicked' is reserved for demons and Lucifer. Satanists are described as having a wicked lifestyle but aren't actually called wicked. To be called wicked is probably the harshest thing you can call anyone...

Now, whenever anyone accuses me of anything, I have two choices.

1 - Disregard their opinion.

I only do this if the person is a complete random, and they have made no attempt to understand my theology, beliefs, views or situation. This is the type of thing I do when a person enters my life and immediately passes judgment.

2 - Consideration and assessment

This is my default option. It doesn't really matter what any person has accused me of, I will almost always consider what they have said, look at it from their viewpoint, look at it from my viewpoint, talk to people and then make an assessment. If I feel I need to change something I will do so, and if I disagree I do my best to put it behind me, which is almost always easier said than done.

Now in this case I have chosen to assess what this person has said to me simply because I know him very well and have respect for him. My problem is that I have no idea what he is basing this accusation on, and I can't think of anything that would set me apart as a 'wicked' person. He told me that I am a lukewarm person based on a parable in the New Testament [which I've studied and I believe he has the wrong interpretation of anyway] but I can't actually see anything that I am doing in my life that is blatantly against the word of God.

Here's what I think has happened. I think that my friend has had his world rocked, and as a result is reverting to a very idealistic and fundamentalism view of the world and Christianity, and because what he believes has been rocked he is clinging onto the purest form of what he believes to be right and sees everything else as completely wrong. He is not open to discussion or interpretation of the Word and won't even engage in a discussion where he hears anyone's side of the story and then not pass some sort of sweeping judgment.

I have a huge amount of respect for my friend, and love him with all my heart, and I hope that I can walk away without carrying hurt in my heart, because I do feel hurt at the moment.

Anyway, on a lighter note, it seems as if my gran might survive her latest trip to the hospital which is actually going to cause more stress for the family than if she were to peg. Now we need to sell her house and move her into a new home with frail care without offending her so badly that she never wants to talk to any of us ever again. Lots of stress because my uncle is going back to Australia next week.

I'm also having a really rough time with Cate at the moment, and I've recently come off my anti-depressants to try and help my fatigue, and I think I'm getting sick too.

All in all I feel really drained, and it's not really anyone in specific's fault, and I'm not sure what to do to make it better. And having to possible move cities isn't helping either.

Oh well, I've had my rant now. It's time to get better and do some more thinking...

Still!

2009-01-17T02:28:00.000-08:00

Ahoy all. Sorry for still not blogging, my life is slowly being made more and more complicated, and every time I get home I'm worn out and just want to sleep or dota. I have a band meeting now which has the potential to be very awful, and I'm tired and have a headache so I'm not looking forward to it.

I am also quite irritated with someone I know, and things aren't looking up in that field.

At the same time, my job interview went really well, so hopefully something will come from that, but I'll have to wait and see.

I promise I will blog something meaningful [I have about 4 half finished blogs on things like work, money and equality, as well as one on compromise] before the end of the weekend...

Recent Events

2009-01-15T08:06:00.000-08:00

Ok, so tomorrow morning is my job interview, and to be honest I'm getting nervous. I was supposed to organise my matric certificate to show that I'm actually not a fool, but unfortunately I couldn't get it from my old school because they are moving building, so I'm going to tell them that I'll get it to them early next week. Other than that I'm quite anxious to see what type of quetions they ask me, because they are supposed to ask me some questions about aviation and flight and logistics. Now the logistics don't worry me too much, but I'm not an expert when it comes to flight and aviation, but take it as it comes.

So spare a thought for me tomorrow morining at 08h00 when I go for my interview, I suspect it'll be slightly nerve wracking but I'll learn from it and hopefully score a sweet job in the process.

Other than that, things are not looking up with family business. My gran is sick and she may actually pull through [again] from this pneumonia, but this has caused much family fighting because people disagree about how is the best way to look after her. Should she move out of her house, or should she stay? Where should she go? Where is the money coming from? These questions are not condusive to family relations.

As a result I have quite a bit of stress in my system and actually have neck aches and sore shoulders and often have headaches. It's part of life I guess.

Tomorrow I'll fill you all in on what happened in the interview, as well as a New Adventures and some food for thought about working and the like. So check back tomorrow...

As Honest As A Book

2009-01-14T06:13:00.000-08:00

Right, I haven't been blogging of late, because I have had quite a lot going on, and to be honest I've been really emotionally and intellectually drained, and haven't really had much to give for blogging. For that I apologise. So what's been going on? Well, here's the deal.

My mom's mother is pretty sick, and she's probably going to die soon, so we've been spending a lot time arranging our lives around visiting hours, as well as seeing my uncle and his partner who are both down from Australia. It's really nice to see them again, but the circumstances really suck.

It was my brother's birthday the other day, and he's really having a rough time with all the stress in the house, and he and Cate don't get on well, I think. He never shares his emotions with anyone, but he's been feeling sick and that only really happens when the stress just becomes too much for him. I feel really bad because on one hand I know he needs to go through this and experience everything in order to get over it, but on the other hand I feel like I should be doing something to make it all better, I mean he's only 16. It's a really hectic thing to go through, and I'm sure he wishes he had a father, but he doesn't and I can't be that for him.

I've also been pretty nervous about what I'm going to do in the future, and now I have a wonderful job opportunity to be trained and work as an Air Traffic Controller. Everything is still up in the air [pun intended] at the moment, but I'll find out more on Friday after my interview.

I have also been told to get my thyroid tested because I've been feeling so lethargic of late, which is a bit of a worry, but you never know. Maybe that's why I've been feeling like I need to sleep for 12 hours a day.

Other than all of those things, I've been reading a wonderful book by a man named NT Wright called "The New Testament and the People of God". It's an amazing book which has kept me super interested since I started it and I'm sure there will be blogs to come about various theological issues, one of them being context of scripture and another being styles of preaching.

Anyway, now you know and I'm sure things will get better shortly...